In most cases, a wife needs to feel loved and to actually *know* by her husband's demonstration that she is loved. She needs to feel valued in the areas of affection, sacrifice, and intellect. Furthermore, not only does she need to know that she can trust her husband, she needs to be able to actually *see* her husband's loyalty - not necessarily in the sole area of marital fidelity. (I have friends who would deny that they need to *see* their husbands' loyalty because they relate that thought to jealousy. But it does not necessarily have anything to do with jealousy. Many wives observe their husbands' reactions when other beautiful women walk by. We also compare our husbands' sacrifice for us to their sacrifice for others after we've been placed on the back burner at certain points in time.)
A wife wants to be assured of her place in her husband's life and how she is prioritized. Many men have become frustrated with demonstrating their love. Many attempts of demonstrating his love for his wife may not be what she needs in order to feel secure. And many women will show appreciation for those attempts but still find themselves longing for more than demonstrations of love through sex and other routine gestures. Simple gestures yet sometimes complex, thought-out sacrifices reach women's hearts. For instance, a simple warm cuddle at night can assure a wife that her husband delights in touching her without always having to be sexual. Also, for certain women, the sacrifice of cooking her a special dinner can reach deeper into her heart than taking her out to dinner for the fifth time in a month. In order to understand her needs that she sometimes can't or won't verbalize due to the complexity of her heart, begin with the following:
Step1-
Listen to her. Listening to her does not mean just letting her talk. Respond verbally and demonstratively with long-term actions. This does not mean that you have to do every single thing she tells you to do. But demonstrate that you've taken mental notes of her concerns. And along the way, speak to her about what you are doing in light of what she has mentioned. Even if you have to make a choice about something that she has verbally objected to previously, voluntarily tell her that you understand her reservation but that you had to make a decision based on... Listen to her and communicate to her, in various ways, what you've heard her tell you.
Step2-
Ask for her opinion on different important issues. You may find she will express her opinion about a number of things based on her innermost heart. Some women like to talk about how they feel and will take every opportunity possible to do so. Others, who don't talk much, need opportunities - like being asked their opinions - in order to open up. This can prove effective over time. So, do not get discouraged after a few attempts that yielded limited or no results.
Make a habit of asking for her opinion and communicate that opinion with her. You just might actually learn something from your wife about very technical subjects, like repairs.
Step3-
Listen to those who knew her before you or those who talk on the phone with her all the time - like any family and/or friends who have a positive relationship with her. Listen to funny stories about her. There is something new to learn about her all the time. You may have been married for twenty years and can still receive some insight about your wife. Sometimes close friends know more intimate details than you. And the intimate details can be how she might feel about minor issues that you never thought existed.
Step4-
Strike up little conversations with her while she is very sleepy - without exhausting her. Have talks with her in the night before bed. You can find out a little more of what might be on her mind when she expresses it approaching slumber - especially if she's taking worries to bed. For example, if she mumbles some concerns about your child's school work in a very relaxed state-of-mind, during that week she would love to see you making an extended effort to help the child with the school work.
Step5-Finally, be open with her about your own concerns and your own activities. Be willing to be transparent. And when you open up, don't present yourself as somebody who has no shortcomings or as somebody who can't bounce back from any shortcomings. Doing so, you will find that she can open up more. Over time, you can begin to understand your wife more.
Note:
I understand that there are some men who don't always feel like hearing their wife's innermost thoughts. (My husband sometimes gets exhausted by my verbalized thoughts.) But just stick it out sometimes. And after you've proven to her that you can stick out listening over time, at other times, gently tell her that you know there is a need to hear what she has to say but at another time (and be up-front, specific about the time so that she'll know you care enough to follow up).
This does not apply to all wives - but to many.
