Are you having the romantic life you have always wanted�in your imagination? Welcome to the club that has many members who feel and live exactly the way you do! Romance is always simple and carefree when it is being acted out in our imaginations. We can come up with the most unbelievable and breathtaking ideas and play scenes that make the best romantic movies look amateur. The only catch to all this however, is that they are developed in our fantasies and stay there, without ever actually taking place in our real lives. Why is that? Why is it so easy for us to fantasize about the most amazing romances, but can never find such romances that really exist? Does it just not happen? Is there no such thing?
No, there is no such thing as a romantic dream come true�until you create its existence. That�s right, you carry the key that will open the magical door to making all of your romantic dreams come true. What did you expect to find out? That someday an invisible wand will be waved over you, miraculously bringing you and your meant to be honey together? Well, if that is what you are counting on and waiting for, prepare to keep on waiting! Do not get the wrong idea here, of course there are situations where two people meet and have an instant connection, but things do not just stop there. Many make a mistake in believing that once they found someone they make a great connection with, everything else will fall into place perfectly and all of their romantic fantasies will come true automatically.
If you want your fantasies to become a reality, then you must introduce them to reality. Our partners are not mind readers, yet we tend to believe they are, expecting them to act out and the things we picture them doing in our imaginations. You do not necessarily have to ask your partner to act a certain way or do a certain thing, but you can introduce your romantic ideas by starting to act them out yourself. This will paint a clear picture for your partner, helping him or her see what kind of romantic personality you have, and what you enjoy. You will also learn more about your partner, because you will see their response to your romantic suggestions, which is why is it extremely important that you do this at the beginning of your dating process, or in the beginning of your relationship. If you do not, you could very well be setting yourself up for deep disappointment.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
10 Ways to Propose
True love is so rare and worth cherishing. It is no wonder you want to stay all your life with the person you love with all your heart. Today, trust in marriage is fast depleting because both parties are more interested in themselves than in pleasing each other. If you happen to be of a different mindset and would not mind going that extra step to ask your beloved to be with you, you should propose her//him immediately when you believe you are ready.
A marriage proposal can become the most memorable event in your and the other person’s life. It is necessary that you are absolutely sure that the person you are proposing to says ‘yes’ when you propose or else it will lead to disappointment. At the same time ensure that you are not late in proposing.
A memorable proposal will always be the one which is interesting, creative and innovative. You should ensure that the person you are proposing to enjoys this event thoroughly and that you are paying complete attention to this person. There are so many ways you can propose to a person, make him/her feel wanted and welcomed into your life forever. Check out some of these very interesting and innovative ways for proposing:
1) Book: This is one of the most complimentary methods of proposing to someone. If your sweetheart is an avid reader or literary genius, you can check out this unique option. This book is especially fruitful if your relationship has been a long one. You can bring up unique and happy memories of your relationship. You can write about this person in detail and reasons why you value him/her so much. Write the book yourself or get it written from a professional writer. Publish a single copy and present it to your beloved with the proposal on the last page.
2) Garden: If you love gardening and your beloved loves flowers, this is an ideal and a very touching way to propose. However, this method requires you to plan out your garden meticulously. Keep a separate patch for this purpose, plant and grow flowers in letters that will spell ‘Marry Me’ with the name, wait until the flowers grow full bloom and bring your beloved to this garden blindfolded and surprise him or her.
3) Boat Ride: Nothing can be more romantic as going out in the sea or a lake with nothing but the nature around you and your beloved. If you and your sweetheart are water lovers and related sports activities, this is a great way to propose. Take your sweetheart for a boat ride and propose.
4) Music: Are you a good crooner? You can sing love songs with most ease? Assemble one or two people to play music instruments for you and start recording love songs, and when you want to propose you should sing a love song with a proposal song for your beloved, a sure way to win his/her heart and a partner for a long time.
5) Adventure Outing: If both of you love adventure, you could go out on an adventure holiday and you could propose to your sweetheart at a time when you are at the most perfect point or place during the outing. It could be atop a hill you have just climbed or in the darkest of woods or on a starlit night in middle of nowhere. You could increase your happiness ten fold through the adventure outing.
6) Greeting Cards: This is another great way of proposing and surprising your partner at the same time. This is useful if you live in or occasionally do go to stay with each other. Greeting cards are a great way to express, therefore do not choose just a single card - instead, you could choose a series of cards showing your affection. Place each card in every room your partner is most likely to visit in the morning. Let the words ‘Marry Me’ card be in a place your partner is fond of. This method is inexpensive, making just the right choice or cards would make it worthwhile.
7) Emails: Add mystery and adventure to your proposal. Send emails anonymously; make emails - soft and comfortable that speaks only of your feelings and nothing else. Let your partner wait of another email each day, ensure you send your name with the propose email. This is the method so many people use for proposing the next person.
8) Create a Video: An artist or a good performer would love this surprise. Create a video of yourself painting or acting or dancing for a love song, towards the end you can propose to your beloved in the video. It is absolutely necessary to watch the video with your sweetheart if you want an instant answer.
9) Cook Up A Proposal: Learn a special dish your sweetheart loves, invite the person over for a romantic dinner, make sure everything is perfect. Create an unbeatable romantic mood, a perfect dinner date. And serve what your sweetheart loves, make sure that is perfect too and propose.
10) Agreement: Write promises that you will make at the time of marriage to your beloved, sign it yourself, and ask your beloved to sign the agreement if your sweetheart agrees to the proposal, a fun and surprising way for proposing.
So check and try the method you will use for proposing to your sweetheart. The above unique methods will surely win your beloved’s heart!
A marriage proposal can become the most memorable event in your and the other person’s life. It is necessary that you are absolutely sure that the person you are proposing to says ‘yes’ when you propose or else it will lead to disappointment. At the same time ensure that you are not late in proposing.
A memorable proposal will always be the one which is interesting, creative and innovative. You should ensure that the person you are proposing to enjoys this event thoroughly and that you are paying complete attention to this person. There are so many ways you can propose to a person, make him/her feel wanted and welcomed into your life forever. Check out some of these very interesting and innovative ways for proposing:
1) Book: This is one of the most complimentary methods of proposing to someone. If your sweetheart is an avid reader or literary genius, you can check out this unique option. This book is especially fruitful if your relationship has been a long one. You can bring up unique and happy memories of your relationship. You can write about this person in detail and reasons why you value him/her so much. Write the book yourself or get it written from a professional writer. Publish a single copy and present it to your beloved with the proposal on the last page.
2) Garden: If you love gardening and your beloved loves flowers, this is an ideal and a very touching way to propose. However, this method requires you to plan out your garden meticulously. Keep a separate patch for this purpose, plant and grow flowers in letters that will spell ‘Marry Me’ with the name, wait until the flowers grow full bloom and bring your beloved to this garden blindfolded and surprise him or her.
3) Boat Ride: Nothing can be more romantic as going out in the sea or a lake with nothing but the nature around you and your beloved. If you and your sweetheart are water lovers and related sports activities, this is a great way to propose. Take your sweetheart for a boat ride and propose.
4) Music: Are you a good crooner? You can sing love songs with most ease? Assemble one or two people to play music instruments for you and start recording love songs, and when you want to propose you should sing a love song with a proposal song for your beloved, a sure way to win his/her heart and a partner for a long time.
5) Adventure Outing: If both of you love adventure, you could go out on an adventure holiday and you could propose to your sweetheart at a time when you are at the most perfect point or place during the outing. It could be atop a hill you have just climbed or in the darkest of woods or on a starlit night in middle of nowhere. You could increase your happiness ten fold through the adventure outing.
6) Greeting Cards: This is another great way of proposing and surprising your partner at the same time. This is useful if you live in or occasionally do go to stay with each other. Greeting cards are a great way to express, therefore do not choose just a single card - instead, you could choose a series of cards showing your affection. Place each card in every room your partner is most likely to visit in the morning. Let the words ‘Marry Me’ card be in a place your partner is fond of. This method is inexpensive, making just the right choice or cards would make it worthwhile.
7) Emails: Add mystery and adventure to your proposal. Send emails anonymously; make emails - soft and comfortable that speaks only of your feelings and nothing else. Let your partner wait of another email each day, ensure you send your name with the propose email. This is the method so many people use for proposing the next person.
8) Create a Video: An artist or a good performer would love this surprise. Create a video of yourself painting or acting or dancing for a love song, towards the end you can propose to your beloved in the video. It is absolutely necessary to watch the video with your sweetheart if you want an instant answer.
9) Cook Up A Proposal: Learn a special dish your sweetheart loves, invite the person over for a romantic dinner, make sure everything is perfect. Create an unbeatable romantic mood, a perfect dinner date. And serve what your sweetheart loves, make sure that is perfect too and propose.
10) Agreement: Write promises that you will make at the time of marriage to your beloved, sign it yourself, and ask your beloved to sign the agreement if your sweetheart agrees to the proposal, a fun and surprising way for proposing.
So check and try the method you will use for proposing to your sweetheart. The above unique methods will surely win your beloved’s heart!
Surviving a Long Distance Relationship
Challenging and difficult, though they may not be what we want to hear, are the words that best describe long distance relationships. Keep in mind however, that the words are challenging and difficult, not impossible. Many people choose to give a long distance relationship a try, with the constant curiosity if it was the right decision to make and if it even stands a chance. The truth is, a long distance relationship has just as much a chance of succeeding as any other relationship!
Long Distance Relationships share the same facts as an average relationship. It involves two people who share an interest in each other�s lives, care for one another and of course have a love for each other that they hope will only continue to grow. On the other hand, a long distance relationship does have its differences as well. It takes away your ability to see each other on a frequent note, as well as the choice of being intimate whenever you desire, not to mention that there would be major trust required. Being unable to spend time together in a physical presence makes it harder to hang on to, but does not spell out doom for your relationship.
The first step is to make an agreement of what your expectations are in the relationship and how much of a commitment you are willing to give and receive. If the two of you decide to be monogamous, then it is clear that neither of you will be dating anyone else as long as your romantic relationship exists. Being clear about what you both want is extremely important, especially in a long distance relationship, in order to prevent future misunderstandings and mistakes. Do not feel afraid to tell your partner what you really need and want from him or her, you deserve the chance to speak from your heart and he or she deserves to know the truth and judge whether they can give it to you.
Trust is a major necessity if you wish to have your relationship from a distance. Without trust and honesty, the relationship is in for danger and unsuccessfulness, just as it would be any other relationship. By accepting the challenge of a long distance relationship, you also accepted the fact that you will have to have the trust and faith that your partner will not be seeing anyone else as promised. Being paranoid and accusing will only grow doubts, insecurity and tension between you and none of those three will help the relationship survive successfully.
Long Distance Relationships share the same facts as an average relationship. It involves two people who share an interest in each other�s lives, care for one another and of course have a love for each other that they hope will only continue to grow. On the other hand, a long distance relationship does have its differences as well. It takes away your ability to see each other on a frequent note, as well as the choice of being intimate whenever you desire, not to mention that there would be major trust required. Being unable to spend time together in a physical presence makes it harder to hang on to, but does not spell out doom for your relationship.
The first step is to make an agreement of what your expectations are in the relationship and how much of a commitment you are willing to give and receive. If the two of you decide to be monogamous, then it is clear that neither of you will be dating anyone else as long as your romantic relationship exists. Being clear about what you both want is extremely important, especially in a long distance relationship, in order to prevent future misunderstandings and mistakes. Do not feel afraid to tell your partner what you really need and want from him or her, you deserve the chance to speak from your heart and he or she deserves to know the truth and judge whether they can give it to you.
Trust is a major necessity if you wish to have your relationship from a distance. Without trust and honesty, the relationship is in for danger and unsuccessfulness, just as it would be any other relationship. By accepting the challenge of a long distance relationship, you also accepted the fact that you will have to have the trust and faith that your partner will not be seeing anyone else as promised. Being paranoid and accusing will only grow doubts, insecurity and tension between you and none of those three will help the relationship survive successfully.
Building the Bond in your Relationship
A bond (relationship wise) is when two people have a connection. Being attracted to each other and sharing common values and interests brought the two of you together as a couple, but the bond has not been set completely. Besides the fact that you have love and care between you, you also need to see whether or not the two of you are friends. Is it possible to be friends? Absolutely! As a matter of fact, it is a must if the two of you are going to build a lasting bond.
Having a strong longing and passion for another is important, but is not enough fuel to keep the bond running. With friendship, your relationship will remain having that strength under all kinds of circumstances. There will be times, for example, when you as a couple are not living in your most passionate times. This is natural and does not mean there is no longer love or desire. As your relationship deepens, you will go through many experiences and stages that may put your romance and frequent hot sex aside for a while. This is where friendship comes in and why it is so important. You should be there for each other and understand your partner�s situations and concerns. Just take a look at your friends. See what makes your friendship with them so great. You then need to see if your partner has those same similarities or exact (sticking up for you when you need the back up for instance) qualities. Another point to keep in mind is keeping yourself aware of what behavior you would not except from a friend. You should definitely not accept those behaviors from your mate (like standing you up all the time) either.
It is not easy to put our friends and lovers in the same comparison because we are in love with our partners, and therefore will be more patient with them than we would with our friends. You can easily blind yourself due to the love you feel for that person and not even realize when he or she is not being a good friend and partner to you. How can you tell? A true friendship is basically the same as the true qualities that define real love. The difference is, we are in love and have a deep desire for our mates, with commitment and a goal of building a future, and perhaps even getting married and making a family together. The list below will help you see if your lover is a friend to you as well.
You can talk to and confide in each other about anything.
Your partner is there for you when you need to talk to someone.
Being able to always rely on each other when one is counted on.
Having a permanent shoulder to cry on when we need it
Having many things in common
Accepting one another for who we are
Listening to us and considering our opinions important
Do not feel guilty for having higher expectations from your lover either. People often feel like they should be more lenient and understanding when it comes to their lovers. Even though it is important to keep an understanding attitude (to avoid misunderstandings and arguments), you should never let things always slide or make up excuses for your partner�s wrong doings. You should expect better and not except such behavior. You deserve better. After all, you invest most of your emotions and time into your partner, so always remember that you are entitled to receive the same.
Having a strong longing and passion for another is important, but is not enough fuel to keep the bond running. With friendship, your relationship will remain having that strength under all kinds of circumstances. There will be times, for example, when you as a couple are not living in your most passionate times. This is natural and does not mean there is no longer love or desire. As your relationship deepens, you will go through many experiences and stages that may put your romance and frequent hot sex aside for a while. This is where friendship comes in and why it is so important. You should be there for each other and understand your partner�s situations and concerns. Just take a look at your friends. See what makes your friendship with them so great. You then need to see if your partner has those same similarities or exact (sticking up for you when you need the back up for instance) qualities. Another point to keep in mind is keeping yourself aware of what behavior you would not except from a friend. You should definitely not accept those behaviors from your mate (like standing you up all the time) either.
It is not easy to put our friends and lovers in the same comparison because we are in love with our partners, and therefore will be more patient with them than we would with our friends. You can easily blind yourself due to the love you feel for that person and not even realize when he or she is not being a good friend and partner to you. How can you tell? A true friendship is basically the same as the true qualities that define real love. The difference is, we are in love and have a deep desire for our mates, with commitment and a goal of building a future, and perhaps even getting married and making a family together. The list below will help you see if your lover is a friend to you as well.
You can talk to and confide in each other about anything.
Your partner is there for you when you need to talk to someone.
Being able to always rely on each other when one is counted on.
Having a permanent shoulder to cry on when we need it
Having many things in common
Accepting one another for who we are
Listening to us and considering our opinions important
Do not feel guilty for having higher expectations from your lover either. People often feel like they should be more lenient and understanding when it comes to their lovers. Even though it is important to keep an understanding attitude (to avoid misunderstandings and arguments), you should never let things always slide or make up excuses for your partner�s wrong doings. You should expect better and not except such behavior. You deserve better. After all, you invest most of your emotions and time into your partner, so always remember that you are entitled to receive the same.
Recipe for a Healthy Relationship
First off, it is important to ask yourself what you consider a real relationship to be. You need to understand what your needs and desires are from another person, and what you are willing to give them. This way, you can see early in your first dates, if you wish to continue and work towards a future together, and if the other person feels the same of course (both sides count).
Once you have decided to have an official relationship, you both need to remember what brought the two of you together in the first place. For instance, what attracted you to each other both physically and emotionally? What do you admire about his or her personality? This will help not taking the other for granted, which can often happen after two people have been together for a long time. This does not mean the love is fading, but it does mean that there is lack of effort. People tend to get lazy after a while, because they feel comfortable and safe. This problem can be solved when both people are willing to make the time and effort. Read also our Love Pullution article.
Everyone is independent in their own beliefs and ideas about things, so never expect a person to always see things your way. However, it is important to have similar expectations out of a relationship, if you wish to avoid frequent arguments. Look for things like whether or not it is important for the both of you to see each other everyday, or have sex often. While seeing each other on a daily basis seems wonderful and healthy to some people, others may feel smothered and need space to have some alone time. Or if sex is on the top of your list, but is not on your partners, you might want to consider that, unless you do not mind waiting or taking care of yourself once in a while�depending on how long you have to wait!
Patience is one of the main keys to a healthy relationship. There are times when our partner will not respond in a way in which is pleasing to us, but this does not mean we have to take it so seriously or personally. Always slow down, take a deep breath and think of reasons why your partner may be acting a certain way. Assuming and jumping to conclusions is always an unhealthy step to take because it shows your partner that they are not entitled to act freely and they feel attacked, not to mention it shows that you automatically assume the worst of them. Give your partner some time and let them know that you will be there for them when they are ready to talk. No matter what the situation may be, patience is golden in a relationship, unless your partner never wants to discuss matters with you (which would mean you need counseling or leave the relationship).
Honesty is also at the top of everyone�s list when it comes to what people want out of a relationship. A person needs to know that they can trust their mate because it builds a zone of safety and comfortableness around them. They need to know that they can at least rely on their loving partner to tell them the truth, no matter what. Being human means NOT being perfect, which means we will make mistakes. Now, we should not let that fact lead us to making mistakes we already know are wrong ahead of time. If your partner deliberately makes mistakes or you knowingly make mistakes, it shows that you or your partner lacks respect and care for the other. This is unhealthy for the relationship. What is healthy however, is realizing that the mistake you committed is a mistake. You or your partner need to know that what they did was wrong and they need to feel the sympathy for what they did. Once you or partner have realized this, you can then figure out a way of how you will confess your wrong doings to the other.
Once you have decided to have an official relationship, you both need to remember what brought the two of you together in the first place. For instance, what attracted you to each other both physically and emotionally? What do you admire about his or her personality? This will help not taking the other for granted, which can often happen after two people have been together for a long time. This does not mean the love is fading, but it does mean that there is lack of effort. People tend to get lazy after a while, because they feel comfortable and safe. This problem can be solved when both people are willing to make the time and effort. Read also our Love Pullution article.
Everyone is independent in their own beliefs and ideas about things, so never expect a person to always see things your way. However, it is important to have similar expectations out of a relationship, if you wish to avoid frequent arguments. Look for things like whether or not it is important for the both of you to see each other everyday, or have sex often. While seeing each other on a daily basis seems wonderful and healthy to some people, others may feel smothered and need space to have some alone time. Or if sex is on the top of your list, but is not on your partners, you might want to consider that, unless you do not mind waiting or taking care of yourself once in a while�depending on how long you have to wait!
Patience is one of the main keys to a healthy relationship. There are times when our partner will not respond in a way in which is pleasing to us, but this does not mean we have to take it so seriously or personally. Always slow down, take a deep breath and think of reasons why your partner may be acting a certain way. Assuming and jumping to conclusions is always an unhealthy step to take because it shows your partner that they are not entitled to act freely and they feel attacked, not to mention it shows that you automatically assume the worst of them. Give your partner some time and let them know that you will be there for them when they are ready to talk. No matter what the situation may be, patience is golden in a relationship, unless your partner never wants to discuss matters with you (which would mean you need counseling or leave the relationship).
Honesty is also at the top of everyone�s list when it comes to what people want out of a relationship. A person needs to know that they can trust their mate because it builds a zone of safety and comfortableness around them. They need to know that they can at least rely on their loving partner to tell them the truth, no matter what. Being human means NOT being perfect, which means we will make mistakes. Now, we should not let that fact lead us to making mistakes we already know are wrong ahead of time. If your partner deliberately makes mistakes or you knowingly make mistakes, it shows that you or your partner lacks respect and care for the other. This is unhealthy for the relationship. What is healthy however, is realizing that the mistake you committed is a mistake. You or your partner need to know that what they did was wrong and they need to feel the sympathy for what they did. Once you or partner have realized this, you can then figure out a way of how you will confess your wrong doings to the other.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
To Love or To Be Loved by Dr. John Douillard
Have you ever asked yourself, "Am I my authentic self?"
Is there a deeper more real version of yourself waiting for the right time to show up, but for the most part letting that person out is just way too risky?!
Maybe when you were three years old, someone hurt your feelings and to survive you had to protect. To do this you employed the services of your mind to help you create a personality that would keep you safe. Maybe you became the class clown, a straight A student or Mom's best helper - the better you played these roles the more they liked you. You were safe, loved and appreciated - who could ask for more?
We are all playing a lead role in a movie made by our minds designed to protect us from getting hurt and we try very hard to make a movie that everyone will like. We casted ourselves in this part when we were three years old and we are still reading the same lines from the same script in that same movie thirty of forty years later. Instead of pleasing our parents we find ourselves pleasing our boss, our spouse and even our kids because the script says if I do these things they will like me. Our minds have convinced us that in order to feel loved we have to continue to perform - even into a state of exhaustion. Soon we become resentful because while bending over backwards for everyone else, sooner or later they will let you down. "For crying out loud! I do so much for them, you would think they would show some appreciation!" When we expect everyone in our world to love us back as a return on the investment we made to them, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and disaster.
The mind has created this world of illusion to keep us safe at a time when our senses, emotions and intellect were not yet developed. When we were two, we needed this type of protection, but now at thirty-two we can become the director of our movie and change the script, create a new scene and even take on that role that you were always meant to play - your real, vulnerable, loving and powerful self. Living a life without access to this part of yourself will be, in due time, a very depressing experience. Our senses will only offer you temporary pleasure, your emotions will only distract you from the yearning to be yourself for so long until - sooner or later you have to step into this new role. The problem is that the mind has got you convinced that you can't do this. "If you just be yourself and love everyone unconditionally and they don't love you back you will be hurt, devastated, it is way too risky. Just play it safe and stick with what has been working."
The mind will use your senses and emotions to distract you. It will use fear to make sure you never cross over and drive this chariot to the true - real and powerful part of yourself. It has convinced you that you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, skinny enough so you better stay put, safely living out a life in the illusion of the mind.
In the world of illusion we can only be happy when something good happens, if something bad happens we become un-happy. Our happiness is totally dependent on "what's happening!" The joy of our soul is available to all of us, all the time. It is not dependant on something happening - it is the expression of our true nature -- and by definition, truth never changes. It is the emotions that change, or mood changes but who we really are is all-ways there for us. A flower, for example, doesn't count the number of bees that come nor does it pump up its smell just when you walk by. Its nature, as is ours, is to expand itself no matter if anyone ever loves you back. We think that we will feel better when Mr. Right comes along and loves us, fully making all our dreams come true. The reality is that this kind of love will never satisfy you.
Please try this exercise: Take a piece of paper and write a love letter to someone you love fully, completely. Someone you trust with all your heart. Tell them all the ways that you love and appreciate them - really go for it. While writing it know that they will never read this letter - it is for your eyes only. As you write it - become aware of how you feel writing this letter. If possible write that now and then come back and finish this article after you've finished. You will see that as you write this letter you will actually feel loved, feel appreciated, you will feel cared for and even feel important. All the things we so desperately think we need from someone else to make us feel good, we actually experience all by ourselves when we give love freely - without any concern that they will read it and then love you back.
This is the game the mind has been playing on us for all these years. To win this game we have to taste the vulnerability of true love by allowing us to love them without the need for any return of investment. "I love you --- but it is no concern of yours" means I now know that what I really seek is to love rather than to be loved.
True Love is Just a Breath Away
Next time your husband/wife hurts your feelings or irritates you it may be the perfect time to test the water of true love. When hurt, we want them to make up - prove they love us. But maybe we seek permission to love them. So next time he/she leaves the cupboards open, try my One Minute Meditation. Go in the next room, sit comfortably and bellows breathe for 30 seconds, followed by 30 seconds sitting still, both with your eyes closed. A bellows breath is a long, deep and fast nasal breath, using your entire rib cage. This will oxygenate the blood in your brain - disarm your protective nervous system and allow you to reset your access to the truth - which is - you love him/her. Go back, hug and kiss him or her and see how insignificant the cupboard was in a moment of true love
Is there a deeper more real version of yourself waiting for the right time to show up, but for the most part letting that person out is just way too risky?!
Maybe when you were three years old, someone hurt your feelings and to survive you had to protect. To do this you employed the services of your mind to help you create a personality that would keep you safe. Maybe you became the class clown, a straight A student or Mom's best helper - the better you played these roles the more they liked you. You were safe, loved and appreciated - who could ask for more?
We are all playing a lead role in a movie made by our minds designed to protect us from getting hurt and we try very hard to make a movie that everyone will like. We casted ourselves in this part when we were three years old and we are still reading the same lines from the same script in that same movie thirty of forty years later. Instead of pleasing our parents we find ourselves pleasing our boss, our spouse and even our kids because the script says if I do these things they will like me. Our minds have convinced us that in order to feel loved we have to continue to perform - even into a state of exhaustion. Soon we become resentful because while bending over backwards for everyone else, sooner or later they will let you down. "For crying out loud! I do so much for them, you would think they would show some appreciation!" When we expect everyone in our world to love us back as a return on the investment we made to them, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and disaster.
The mind has created this world of illusion to keep us safe at a time when our senses, emotions and intellect were not yet developed. When we were two, we needed this type of protection, but now at thirty-two we can become the director of our movie and change the script, create a new scene and even take on that role that you were always meant to play - your real, vulnerable, loving and powerful self. Living a life without access to this part of yourself will be, in due time, a very depressing experience. Our senses will only offer you temporary pleasure, your emotions will only distract you from the yearning to be yourself for so long until - sooner or later you have to step into this new role. The problem is that the mind has got you convinced that you can't do this. "If you just be yourself and love everyone unconditionally and they don't love you back you will be hurt, devastated, it is way too risky. Just play it safe and stick with what has been working."
The mind will use your senses and emotions to distract you. It will use fear to make sure you never cross over and drive this chariot to the true - real and powerful part of yourself. It has convinced you that you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, skinny enough so you better stay put, safely living out a life in the illusion of the mind.
In the world of illusion we can only be happy when something good happens, if something bad happens we become un-happy. Our happiness is totally dependent on "what's happening!" The joy of our soul is available to all of us, all the time. It is not dependant on something happening - it is the expression of our true nature -- and by definition, truth never changes. It is the emotions that change, or mood changes but who we really are is all-ways there for us. A flower, for example, doesn't count the number of bees that come nor does it pump up its smell just when you walk by. Its nature, as is ours, is to expand itself no matter if anyone ever loves you back. We think that we will feel better when Mr. Right comes along and loves us, fully making all our dreams come true. The reality is that this kind of love will never satisfy you.
Please try this exercise: Take a piece of paper and write a love letter to someone you love fully, completely. Someone you trust with all your heart. Tell them all the ways that you love and appreciate them - really go for it. While writing it know that they will never read this letter - it is for your eyes only. As you write it - become aware of how you feel writing this letter. If possible write that now and then come back and finish this article after you've finished. You will see that as you write this letter you will actually feel loved, feel appreciated, you will feel cared for and even feel important. All the things we so desperately think we need from someone else to make us feel good, we actually experience all by ourselves when we give love freely - without any concern that they will read it and then love you back.
This is the game the mind has been playing on us for all these years. To win this game we have to taste the vulnerability of true love by allowing us to love them without the need for any return of investment. "I love you --- but it is no concern of yours" means I now know that what I really seek is to love rather than to be loved.
True Love is Just a Breath Away
Next time your husband/wife hurts your feelings or irritates you it may be the perfect time to test the water of true love. When hurt, we want them to make up - prove they love us. But maybe we seek permission to love them. So next time he/she leaves the cupboards open, try my One Minute Meditation. Go in the next room, sit comfortably and bellows breathe for 30 seconds, followed by 30 seconds sitting still, both with your eyes closed. A bellows breath is a long, deep and fast nasal breath, using your entire rib cage. This will oxygenate the blood in your brain - disarm your protective nervous system and allow you to reset your access to the truth - which is - you love him/her. Go back, hug and kiss him or her and see how insignificant the cupboard was in a moment of true love
9 Parenting Tips for Building Character in Children by JeanTracy
Are you unsure about your child’s character? Do you know how he really thinks and acts? If you’d like 9 fun parenting tips for building his character, look inside.
The father of a second grader bragged, “Jesse received 100% on his math and spelling tests.”
“Wonderful!” said his grandparents.
Jesse smiled, “It’s because I have a big brain.”
We grill our kids about homework. We fuss when it’s sloppy. Good report cards make us proud. Why? We want our children to succeed. Like the father in the story, we love bragging about their “big brains.”
What about Character?
Would you like to brag, “Yesterday my children earned 100% in character?” Training your children to do homework is easy. Training them to do the right thing is harder unless you have the right tools.
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said,
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.”
9 Parenting Tips and Tools for Building Character:
Become the Character You Want Your Children to Follow.
If you don’t want your children to swear, don’t swear.
If you don’t want your children to gossip, speak kindly of others or say nothing at all.
If you don’t want your children to lie, tell the truth.
Get Your Children to Think about Character:
Go to the library. Ask the librarian for inspiring stories about character.
Read and discuss those stories with your children.
Choose simple character quotes and sayings to inspire them too.
I remember my mother’s voice, “A stitch in time saves nine.” That quote still inspires me to take care of problems before they become too large.
Other Character Building sayings included:
Don’t air dirty laundry
Actions speak louder than words
Walls have ears
Always look on the bright side
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
Will you use wise sayings to inspire your children?
Get Your Children to Talk about Character.
Use dilemma discussions. Children love to give their opinions. It makes them feel you value them. Here are 3 of 50 problems from my Dilemma Discussion Kit:
Pretend a bully lives next door to you. He calls you names, puts you down in front of other kids and punches you. What will you say? What will you do? Why?
Pretend you earned a bad report card. You don’t want to show to your parents. What will you do? Why?
Pretend your friends are outdoors playing your favorite game. You’re supposed to finish your chores before you play. Your parents might not notice if you play before you work. What will you do? Why?
Dilemmas like those are easy and fun for children to discuss.
Praise them for their good solutions. When the real dilemmas test their characters, they’ll remember their own good advice. Your discussions will help them do the right thing.
One more thing, don’t easily jump in with your opinion or tell them they’re wrong.
Conclusion for Building Character in Children:
Building character doesn’t have to be difficult. Use the right tools. Be the model you want your children to follow. Get them to think with character building stories. Inspire them with wise sayings and quotes. Encourage them to talk by using dilemma discussions. These are some fun ways to build their smart brains and caring hearts. Start today. Help them earn 100% in character.
The father of a second grader bragged, “Jesse received 100% on his math and spelling tests.”
“Wonderful!” said his grandparents.
Jesse smiled, “It’s because I have a big brain.”
We grill our kids about homework. We fuss when it’s sloppy. Good report cards make us proud. Why? We want our children to succeed. Like the father in the story, we love bragging about their “big brains.”
What about Character?
Would you like to brag, “Yesterday my children earned 100% in character?” Training your children to do homework is easy. Training them to do the right thing is harder unless you have the right tools.
Ralph Waldo Emerson once said,
“What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.”
9 Parenting Tips and Tools for Building Character:
Become the Character You Want Your Children to Follow.
If you don’t want your children to swear, don’t swear.
If you don’t want your children to gossip, speak kindly of others or say nothing at all.
If you don’t want your children to lie, tell the truth.
Get Your Children to Think about Character:
Go to the library. Ask the librarian for inspiring stories about character.
Read and discuss those stories with your children.
Choose simple character quotes and sayings to inspire them too.
I remember my mother’s voice, “A stitch in time saves nine.” That quote still inspires me to take care of problems before they become too large.
Other Character Building sayings included:
Don’t air dirty laundry
Actions speak louder than words
Walls have ears
Always look on the bright side
An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure
An apple a day keeps the doctor away
Will you use wise sayings to inspire your children?
Get Your Children to Talk about Character.
Use dilemma discussions. Children love to give their opinions. It makes them feel you value them. Here are 3 of 50 problems from my Dilemma Discussion Kit:
Pretend a bully lives next door to you. He calls you names, puts you down in front of other kids and punches you. What will you say? What will you do? Why?
Pretend you earned a bad report card. You don’t want to show to your parents. What will you do? Why?
Pretend your friends are outdoors playing your favorite game. You’re supposed to finish your chores before you play. Your parents might not notice if you play before you work. What will you do? Why?
Dilemmas like those are easy and fun for children to discuss.
Praise them for their good solutions. When the real dilemmas test their characters, they’ll remember their own good advice. Your discussions will help them do the right thing.
One more thing, don’t easily jump in with your opinion or tell them they’re wrong.
Conclusion for Building Character in Children:
Building character doesn’t have to be difficult. Use the right tools. Be the model you want your children to follow. Get them to think with character building stories. Inspire them with wise sayings and quotes. Encourage them to talk by using dilemma discussions. These are some fun ways to build their smart brains and caring hearts. Start today. Help them earn 100% in character.
Lover's Leap: Falling into True Intimacy by Martha Beck
Why are many of us so frightened to reveal our true selves, be fully open and fall in love? Columnist Martha Beck examines the issues and offers tips on how to get past our fears, be truly intimate with another and leap into love.
Psychologists tell us we're born afraid of just two things. The first is loud noises. Do you recall the second? Most people guess "abandonment" or "starvation," but neonatal dread was simpler than that: It was the fear of falling. Today we all have a much richer array of consternations, but I'll bet falling is still on your list. Why give up the prudent concern that brought your whole genetic line into the world clutching anything your tiny fists could grab? Fear of falling is your birthright!
Perhaps that's why most of us, at least some of the time (and some of us most of the time), are frightened by another deeply primal experience: intimacy. Allowing yourself to become emotionally close is the psychological equivalent of skidding off a cliff; hence the expression "falling in love." This gauzy phrase usually describes a sexual connection. But love has infinite variations that can swallow the floor from under your feet at any moment.
You're securely installed in a relationship, marching through life, keeping your nasal hairs decently trimmed. Then boom! You hear a song and know that the composer has seen into your soul. Or you wake up, bleary with jet lag, in a city you've never seen before and feel you've come home. Or the wretched little mess of a kitten you just saved from drowning begins to purr in your arms. Suddenly — too late — you realize that your heart has opened like a trapdoor, and you're tumbling into a deep, sweet abyss, thinking, God, this is wonderful! God, this is terrible!
The next time this happens, here's a nice, dry, scientific fact to dig your toes into: The sensation you're feeling is probably associated with decreased activity in the brain region that senses our bodies' location in the physical world. When this zone goes quiet, the boundary between "self" and "not self" disappears. It isn't just that we feel close to the object of our affection; perceiving ourselves as separate isn't an option. Some being that was Other now matters to us as much as we matter to ourselves. Yet we have no control over either the love or the beloved.
The horror! The horror!
We focus attention on stories about people, from Othello and Huckleberry Finn to the lusty physicians on Grey's Anatomy, who trip into versions of intimacy (passion, friendship, parental protectiveness) they can neither escape nor manage. These stories teach us why we both fear and long for intimacy, and why our ways of dealing with it are usually misguided. Two of these methods are so common, they're worth a warning here.
Bad Idea #1: Guard Your Heart
There's an old folktale about a giant who removes his own heart, locks it in a series of metal boxes, and buries the whole conglomeration. Thereafter, his enemies can stab or shoot him, but never fatally. Of course, he also loses the benefits of having a heart, such as happiness. The giant sits around like Mrs. Lincoln grimly trying to enjoy the play, until he's so miserable he digs up his heart and stabs it himself.
This grisly parable reminds us that refusing to love is emotional suicide. Yet many of us fight like giants to guard ourselves from intimacy, boxing up our hearts in steel-hard false beliefs. "I'm unlovable" is one such lockbox. "Everyone wants to exploit me" is another. Then there's "I shouldn't feel that" and "I have to follow the rules," etc. Whatever your own heart-coffins may be, notice that they're ruining your happiness, not preserving it.
As poet Mary Oliver puts it,
Listen, are you breathing just a little,
and calling it a life?…
For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters,
caution and prudence?
Fall in! Fall in!
If you've buried your heart to keep it from hurting, you're hurting. You're also in dire danger of using …
Bad Idea #2: Control Your Loved One
"If you don't love me, I'll kill myself. If you stop loving me, I'll kill you." Some people believe such statements are expressions of true intimacy. Actually, they're weapons of control, which destroy real connection faster than you can say "restraining order." Though few of us are this radically controlling, we often use myriad forms of manipulation and coercion. We can say, "Sure, whatever makes you happy," in a tone that turns this innocuous phrase into a vicious blow. To the extent that we try to make anyone do, feel, or think anything — whether our weapon is people-pleasing, sarcasm, or a machete — we trade intimacy for microterrorism. So, if neither control nor avoidance works, what does?
Good Idea #1: Be Willing
In The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams reveals the secret of flying. Just launch yourself toward the ground, and miss.
"All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt … if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard."
This is the best advice I know for coping with fear of intimacy. Avoidance and control can't keep our hearts from falling, or cushion the landing. Why not try throwing yourself forward, being willing not to mind that it's going to hurt? Please note: "Being willing not to mind" isn't the same as genuinely not minding. You'll mind the risks of intimacy — count on it. Be willing anyway.
How? Simply allow your feelings — all of them — into full consciousness. Articulate your emotions. Write about them in a journal, tell them to a friend, confess them to your priest, therapist, cab driver. Feel the full extent of your love, your thirst, your passion, without holding back or grasping at anything or anyone (especially not the object of your affection). The next suggestion will show you how.
Good Idea #2: Go "Whoo-Hoo"
Author Melody Beattie took up skydiving and was scared senseless. Another diver told her, "When you get to the door and jump, say 'Woo-hoo!' You can't have a bad time if you do."
This phrase works as well when you're falling emotionally as when you're falling physically. When fear hits, when you want to grasp or hide, shout "Woo-hoo!" instead. While there is never — not ever — a sure foundation beneath our feet, the willingness to celebrate what we really feel can turn falling into flying. You don't need an airplane to practice woo-hoo skills. For instance: I'm writing these words at 2:15 in the morning, because writing, like other intimate pursuits, often occurs at night. As I type each word, I come to care about how it will be read — about you, there, reading it. Caring is scaring. It makes me want to stop right now, or spend years composing something flawlessly literate. Unfortunately, my deadline was yesterday, and Shakespeare I ain't, so … woo-hoo!
Now it's 2:20 a.m. My writing partner, a fat, aged beagle named Cookie, snores contentedly at my feet. I'm revisited by a worry that was born the day I fell in love with his puppy self: the dread of the moment that snuffly breathing stops. This is my cue to throw myself forward, drop deeper into my affection for this ridiculous dog. Tomorrow I will let Cookie teach me to roll in the grass, to howl in ecstasy at the sight of good food. Of any food, actually. Woo-hoo!
It's 2:30 a.m. Upstairs, my son, Adam, is dreaming dreams I'll never quite understand, because his brain is different from mine. Shortly before his birth, I learned that he has Down syndrome, which put mothering him well above skydiving in my Book of Fears. I yelled a lot during Adam's birth. Eighteen years later, I'm still yelling "Woo-hoo!" And so far, the only consequence of that particular plunge is love.
Which takes me to my final point.
In Preparation for Landing
What I really panic about nowadays isn't falling; it's landing. But even that concern is fading, because I've realized there are only two possible landings for someone who embraces intimacy, and both are beautiful.
The first possibility is that your beloved will love you back. Then you won't land; you'll just fall deeper into intimacy, together. This is how bald eagles prepare to mate — by locking talons and free-falling like rocks — which is deeply insane and makes me proud to call the eagle my country's national bird.
The other possibility is that you'll throw yourself forward, yell "Woo-hoo!," and smash into rejection. Will it hurt? Indescribably. But if you still refuse to bury your broken heart, or force someone to "fix" it — if you just experience the crash landing in all its gory glory, you'll create a miracle.
A Jewish friend told me this story: A man asks his rabbi, "Why does God write the law on our hearts? Why not in our hearts? It's the inside of my heart that needs God." The rabbi answered, "God never forces anything into a human heart. He writes the word on our hearts so that when our hearts break, God falls in." Whatever you hold sacred, you'll find that an unguarded broken heart is the ideal instrument for absorbing it.
If you fall into intimacy without resistance, despite your alarm, either you will fall into love, which is exquisite, or love will fall into you, which is more exquisite still. Do it enough, and you may just lose your fear of falling. You'll get better at missing the ground, at keeping a crushed heart open so that love can find all the broken pieces. And the next time you feel that vertiginous sensation of the floor disappearing, even as your reflexes tell you to duck and grab, you'll hear an even deeper instinct saying, Fall in! Fall in!
Psychologists tell us we're born afraid of just two things. The first is loud noises. Do you recall the second? Most people guess "abandonment" or "starvation," but neonatal dread was simpler than that: It was the fear of falling. Today we all have a much richer array of consternations, but I'll bet falling is still on your list. Why give up the prudent concern that brought your whole genetic line into the world clutching anything your tiny fists could grab? Fear of falling is your birthright!
Perhaps that's why most of us, at least some of the time (and some of us most of the time), are frightened by another deeply primal experience: intimacy. Allowing yourself to become emotionally close is the psychological equivalent of skidding off a cliff; hence the expression "falling in love." This gauzy phrase usually describes a sexual connection. But love has infinite variations that can swallow the floor from under your feet at any moment.
You're securely installed in a relationship, marching through life, keeping your nasal hairs decently trimmed. Then boom! You hear a song and know that the composer has seen into your soul. Or you wake up, bleary with jet lag, in a city you've never seen before and feel you've come home. Or the wretched little mess of a kitten you just saved from drowning begins to purr in your arms. Suddenly — too late — you realize that your heart has opened like a trapdoor, and you're tumbling into a deep, sweet abyss, thinking, God, this is wonderful! God, this is terrible!
The next time this happens, here's a nice, dry, scientific fact to dig your toes into: The sensation you're feeling is probably associated with decreased activity in the brain region that senses our bodies' location in the physical world. When this zone goes quiet, the boundary between "self" and "not self" disappears. It isn't just that we feel close to the object of our affection; perceiving ourselves as separate isn't an option. Some being that was Other now matters to us as much as we matter to ourselves. Yet we have no control over either the love or the beloved.
The horror! The horror!
We focus attention on stories about people, from Othello and Huckleberry Finn to the lusty physicians on Grey's Anatomy, who trip into versions of intimacy (passion, friendship, parental protectiveness) they can neither escape nor manage. These stories teach us why we both fear and long for intimacy, and why our ways of dealing with it are usually misguided. Two of these methods are so common, they're worth a warning here.
Bad Idea #1: Guard Your Heart
There's an old folktale about a giant who removes his own heart, locks it in a series of metal boxes, and buries the whole conglomeration. Thereafter, his enemies can stab or shoot him, but never fatally. Of course, he also loses the benefits of having a heart, such as happiness. The giant sits around like Mrs. Lincoln grimly trying to enjoy the play, until he's so miserable he digs up his heart and stabs it himself.
This grisly parable reminds us that refusing to love is emotional suicide. Yet many of us fight like giants to guard ourselves from intimacy, boxing up our hearts in steel-hard false beliefs. "I'm unlovable" is one such lockbox. "Everyone wants to exploit me" is another. Then there's "I shouldn't feel that" and "I have to follow the rules," etc. Whatever your own heart-coffins may be, notice that they're ruining your happiness, not preserving it.
As poet Mary Oliver puts it,
Listen, are you breathing just a little,
and calling it a life?…
For how long will you continue to listen to those dark shouters,
caution and prudence?
Fall in! Fall in!
If you've buried your heart to keep it from hurting, you're hurting. You're also in dire danger of using …
Bad Idea #2: Control Your Loved One
"If you don't love me, I'll kill myself. If you stop loving me, I'll kill you." Some people believe such statements are expressions of true intimacy. Actually, they're weapons of control, which destroy real connection faster than you can say "restraining order." Though few of us are this radically controlling, we often use myriad forms of manipulation and coercion. We can say, "Sure, whatever makes you happy," in a tone that turns this innocuous phrase into a vicious blow. To the extent that we try to make anyone do, feel, or think anything — whether our weapon is people-pleasing, sarcasm, or a machete — we trade intimacy for microterrorism. So, if neither control nor avoidance works, what does?
Good Idea #1: Be Willing
In The Ultimate Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Douglas Adams reveals the secret of flying. Just launch yourself toward the ground, and miss.
"All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it's going to hurt … if you fail to miss the ground. Most people fail to miss the ground, and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard."
This is the best advice I know for coping with fear of intimacy. Avoidance and control can't keep our hearts from falling, or cushion the landing. Why not try throwing yourself forward, being willing not to mind that it's going to hurt? Please note: "Being willing not to mind" isn't the same as genuinely not minding. You'll mind the risks of intimacy — count on it. Be willing anyway.
How? Simply allow your feelings — all of them — into full consciousness. Articulate your emotions. Write about them in a journal, tell them to a friend, confess them to your priest, therapist, cab driver. Feel the full extent of your love, your thirst, your passion, without holding back or grasping at anything or anyone (especially not the object of your affection). The next suggestion will show you how.
Good Idea #2: Go "Whoo-Hoo"
Author Melody Beattie took up skydiving and was scared senseless. Another diver told her, "When you get to the door and jump, say 'Woo-hoo!' You can't have a bad time if you do."
This phrase works as well when you're falling emotionally as when you're falling physically. When fear hits, when you want to grasp or hide, shout "Woo-hoo!" instead. While there is never — not ever — a sure foundation beneath our feet, the willingness to celebrate what we really feel can turn falling into flying. You don't need an airplane to practice woo-hoo skills. For instance: I'm writing these words at 2:15 in the morning, because writing, like other intimate pursuits, often occurs at night. As I type each word, I come to care about how it will be read — about you, there, reading it. Caring is scaring. It makes me want to stop right now, or spend years composing something flawlessly literate. Unfortunately, my deadline was yesterday, and Shakespeare I ain't, so … woo-hoo!
Now it's 2:20 a.m. My writing partner, a fat, aged beagle named Cookie, snores contentedly at my feet. I'm revisited by a worry that was born the day I fell in love with his puppy self: the dread of the moment that snuffly breathing stops. This is my cue to throw myself forward, drop deeper into my affection for this ridiculous dog. Tomorrow I will let Cookie teach me to roll in the grass, to howl in ecstasy at the sight of good food. Of any food, actually. Woo-hoo!
It's 2:30 a.m. Upstairs, my son, Adam, is dreaming dreams I'll never quite understand, because his brain is different from mine. Shortly before his birth, I learned that he has Down syndrome, which put mothering him well above skydiving in my Book of Fears. I yelled a lot during Adam's birth. Eighteen years later, I'm still yelling "Woo-hoo!" And so far, the only consequence of that particular plunge is love.
Which takes me to my final point.
In Preparation for Landing
What I really panic about nowadays isn't falling; it's landing. But even that concern is fading, because I've realized there are only two possible landings for someone who embraces intimacy, and both are beautiful.
The first possibility is that your beloved will love you back. Then you won't land; you'll just fall deeper into intimacy, together. This is how bald eagles prepare to mate — by locking talons and free-falling like rocks — which is deeply insane and makes me proud to call the eagle my country's national bird.
The other possibility is that you'll throw yourself forward, yell "Woo-hoo!," and smash into rejection. Will it hurt? Indescribably. But if you still refuse to bury your broken heart, or force someone to "fix" it — if you just experience the crash landing in all its gory glory, you'll create a miracle.
A Jewish friend told me this story: A man asks his rabbi, "Why does God write the law on our hearts? Why not in our hearts? It's the inside of my heart that needs God." The rabbi answered, "God never forces anything into a human heart. He writes the word on our hearts so that when our hearts break, God falls in." Whatever you hold sacred, you'll find that an unguarded broken heart is the ideal instrument for absorbing it.
If you fall into intimacy without resistance, despite your alarm, either you will fall into love, which is exquisite, or love will fall into you, which is more exquisite still. Do it enough, and you may just lose your fear of falling. You'll get better at missing the ground, at keeping a crushed heart open so that love can find all the broken pieces. And the next time you feel that vertiginous sensation of the floor disappearing, even as your reflexes tell you to duck and grab, you'll hear an even deeper instinct saying, Fall in! Fall in!
10 Quirky Facts About Kissing by By Laura Schaefer
Think you know a thing or two about kissing? You probably do. But the facts below are so off the beaten path, we’ll bet you don’t know them all — and they could come in handy. Not only could they provide some steamy "did you know…?" chit chat, but they’ll help you see all the benefits a satisfying lip lock can bring into your life. Happy smooching!
1. Two out of every three couples turn their heads to the right when they kiss.
2. A simple peck uses two muscles; a passionate kiss, on the other hand, uses all 34 muscles in your face. Now that’s a rigorous workout!
3. Like fingerprints or snowflakes, no two lip impressions are alike.
4. Kissing is good for what ails you. Research shows that the act of smooching improves our skin, helps circulation, prevents tooth decay, and can even relieve headaches.
5. The average person spends 336 hours of his or her life kissing.
6. Ever wonder how an “X” came to represent a kiss? Starting in the Middle Ages, people who could not read used an X as a signature. They would kiss this mark as a sign of sincerity. Eventually, the X came to represent the kiss itself.
7. Talk about a rush! Kissing releases the same neurotransmitters in our brains as parachuting, bungee jumping, and running.
8. The average woman kisses 29 men before she gets married.
9. Men who kiss their partners before leaving for work average higher incomes than those who don’t.
10. The longest kiss in movie history was between Jane Wyman and Regis Tommey in the 1941 film, You’re in the Army Now. It lasted 3 minutes and 5 seconds. So if you’ve beaten that record, it’s time to celebrate!
1. Two out of every three couples turn their heads to the right when they kiss.
2. A simple peck uses two muscles; a passionate kiss, on the other hand, uses all 34 muscles in your face. Now that’s a rigorous workout!
3. Like fingerprints or snowflakes, no two lip impressions are alike.
4. Kissing is good for what ails you. Research shows that the act of smooching improves our skin, helps circulation, prevents tooth decay, and can even relieve headaches.
5. The average person spends 336 hours of his or her life kissing.
6. Ever wonder how an “X” came to represent a kiss? Starting in the Middle Ages, people who could not read used an X as a signature. They would kiss this mark as a sign of sincerity. Eventually, the X came to represent the kiss itself.
7. Talk about a rush! Kissing releases the same neurotransmitters in our brains as parachuting, bungee jumping, and running.
8. The average woman kisses 29 men before she gets married.
9. Men who kiss their partners before leaving for work average higher incomes than those who don’t.
10. The longest kiss in movie history was between Jane Wyman and Regis Tommey in the 1941 film, You’re in the Army Now. It lasted 3 minutes and 5 seconds. So if you’ve beaten that record, it’s time to celebrate!
Always Kiss Each Other Good Night by Sandra Magsamen
Don't let the magic fade after years of marriage. Sandra Magsamen, author of "Living Artfully" and an expert on making meaningful moments, offers advice on how to make love last ─ including ending each day with a smooch, for real.
If you ask 100 people to share a bit of advice regarding how to make a happy marriage, I'll bet you'll get 100 different thoughts on the subject. I'm pretty sure that everything from housekeeping to home wrecking would be covered in the responses you'll hear.
In my experience, the advice people share comes mostly from their own lives, and more often than not it's advice they might want to consider taking themselves. The advice I have to impart certainly falls in that category. I've been married 26 years and, without oversharing, can honestly say it's been a pretty darn fine ride. Don't get me wrong — there have been difficult days, lessons learned and obstacles faced, but I've always known that's pretty much how life goes.
The way I see it, life is a journey. Sometimes it's stormy and you get caught in a downpour, sometimes you dance in the sunlight and occasionally you get to see a big, bright, beautiful rainbow. What makes the journey so interesting is who travels with you and how you decide to travel. I'm pretty sure the bumper sticker that reads, "The joy of the journey is not in reaching the destination but in the ride," is one of those simple truths and is most assuredly an ancient wisdom.
If along the journey you meet someone you want to marry, my advice in a nutshell is, "Never forget to kiss each other good night." I know it seems like surprisingly basic and pleasant advice, but it is also time-tested and downright good for you.
Let's face it: We are running so fast through life. Our days are packed with work, chores, obligations, dirty dishes, laundry, phone calls, text messages, the Internet, e-mails, high gas prices, low stock prices and more to do than we want to. Although we have every intention of putting our partners first, sometimes we get swept up in the tsunami of life and they get washed out with our good intentions.
Without knowing it, we suddenly find ourselves floating in a sea of things to do and, although not intended, our relationships are taken for granted. We don't plan it — we really don't even see it or feel it — but before we know it, we have floated away from each other.
When you never forget to kiss each other good night, you create a life raft, and you can't float away so quickly because you acknowledge each other, pause, connect and express your love. The golden rule seems to work here. If you treat your partner the way you want to be treated, you'll have a really great shot at creating the kind of marriage that you want. If you stretch throughout the day my advice of never forgetting to kiss each other good night and create small ways to put love in your life, you'll build intimacy and closeness and your kindness and care will honor your partner and grow your relationship.
There are as many ways to connect and express your love as there are stars in the sky. I am not talking about the big stuff like the gift of jewelry or throwing surprise parties. I am suggesting you infuse and nourish your relationship with small, thoughtful, meaningful acts of love. Let your imagination run wild. Be creative, playful, romantic, silly and, above all, be yourself.
1. Tape a little love note on the bottom of your loved one's glass of milk or juice. Watch as he or she finds the treasure at the bottom of the glass.
2. Start the day off by bringing your partner coffee in bed or with a little love by making heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast.
3. Say thank you for the little things you share.
4. Be gentle and conscious about creating a relationship and a home that is a safe, loving oasis.
5. Instead of dinner at the dining room table, surprise your partner with a picnic on the living room floor or in the backyard if it's a beautiful evening.
6. Wrap a candy bar in a note that says, "You're my sweetheart," or "You're the sweetest thing in my life" or "Have a sweet day."
7. Leave a little note on the steering wheel that reads, "I love you with all of my heart."
8. Have a CD of you partner's favorite music or a book on tape they have wanted to hear waiting on the dash of his or her car, with a note, telling him/her to listen.
9. Surprise him or her at the office with a special lunch brought in for two.
10. Send a text message that reads, "Thinking of you" or "You're hot" or something sassy and sexy.
11. Cut a bunch of flowers from the garden or just one and place in a vase on the night stand.
12. Leave a little note under the pillow that simply says, "I love you."
13. Create a simple, elegant, handmade card by cutting a heart out of a paper you like (a piece of wrapping paper, newspaper, tissue or floral wallpaper) and gluing it to a blank card. Fill the inside of the card with quotes on love.
Try these ideas and create a million more of your own. Each of these gestures is a small acknowledgment of the love you feel in your heart, and they will resonate with the one you love. I promise you these little acts will multiply in a big way. Simple, heartfelt acts beautifully break through the chaos of your days, infusing them with a gentle order. Time slows, and the person you touch will feel inclined to pass along this newfound sense of happiness and love.
If you ask 100 people to share a bit of advice regarding how to make a happy marriage, I'll bet you'll get 100 different thoughts on the subject. I'm pretty sure that everything from housekeeping to home wrecking would be covered in the responses you'll hear.
In my experience, the advice people share comes mostly from their own lives, and more often than not it's advice they might want to consider taking themselves. The advice I have to impart certainly falls in that category. I've been married 26 years and, without oversharing, can honestly say it's been a pretty darn fine ride. Don't get me wrong — there have been difficult days, lessons learned and obstacles faced, but I've always known that's pretty much how life goes.
The way I see it, life is a journey. Sometimes it's stormy and you get caught in a downpour, sometimes you dance in the sunlight and occasionally you get to see a big, bright, beautiful rainbow. What makes the journey so interesting is who travels with you and how you decide to travel. I'm pretty sure the bumper sticker that reads, "The joy of the journey is not in reaching the destination but in the ride," is one of those simple truths and is most assuredly an ancient wisdom.
If along the journey you meet someone you want to marry, my advice in a nutshell is, "Never forget to kiss each other good night." I know it seems like surprisingly basic and pleasant advice, but it is also time-tested and downright good for you.
Let's face it: We are running so fast through life. Our days are packed with work, chores, obligations, dirty dishes, laundry, phone calls, text messages, the Internet, e-mails, high gas prices, low stock prices and more to do than we want to. Although we have every intention of putting our partners first, sometimes we get swept up in the tsunami of life and they get washed out with our good intentions.
Without knowing it, we suddenly find ourselves floating in a sea of things to do and, although not intended, our relationships are taken for granted. We don't plan it — we really don't even see it or feel it — but before we know it, we have floated away from each other.
When you never forget to kiss each other good night, you create a life raft, and you can't float away so quickly because you acknowledge each other, pause, connect and express your love. The golden rule seems to work here. If you treat your partner the way you want to be treated, you'll have a really great shot at creating the kind of marriage that you want. If you stretch throughout the day my advice of never forgetting to kiss each other good night and create small ways to put love in your life, you'll build intimacy and closeness and your kindness and care will honor your partner and grow your relationship.
There are as many ways to connect and express your love as there are stars in the sky. I am not talking about the big stuff like the gift of jewelry or throwing surprise parties. I am suggesting you infuse and nourish your relationship with small, thoughtful, meaningful acts of love. Let your imagination run wild. Be creative, playful, romantic, silly and, above all, be yourself.
1. Tape a little love note on the bottom of your loved one's glass of milk or juice. Watch as he or she finds the treasure at the bottom of the glass.
2. Start the day off by bringing your partner coffee in bed or with a little love by making heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast.
3. Say thank you for the little things you share.
4. Be gentle and conscious about creating a relationship and a home that is a safe, loving oasis.
5. Instead of dinner at the dining room table, surprise your partner with a picnic on the living room floor or in the backyard if it's a beautiful evening.
6. Wrap a candy bar in a note that says, "You're my sweetheart," or "You're the sweetest thing in my life" or "Have a sweet day."
7. Leave a little note on the steering wheel that reads, "I love you with all of my heart."
8. Have a CD of you partner's favorite music or a book on tape they have wanted to hear waiting on the dash of his or her car, with a note, telling him/her to listen.
9. Surprise him or her at the office with a special lunch brought in for two.
10. Send a text message that reads, "Thinking of you" or "You're hot" or something sassy and sexy.
11. Cut a bunch of flowers from the garden or just one and place in a vase on the night stand.
12. Leave a little note under the pillow that simply says, "I love you."
13. Create a simple, elegant, handmade card by cutting a heart out of a paper you like (a piece of wrapping paper, newspaper, tissue or floral wallpaper) and gluing it to a blank card. Fill the inside of the card with quotes on love.
Try these ideas and create a million more of your own. Each of these gestures is a small acknowledgment of the love you feel in your heart, and they will resonate with the one you love. I promise you these little acts will multiply in a big way. Simple, heartfelt acts beautifully break through the chaos of your days, infusing them with a gentle order. Time slows, and the person you touch will feel inclined to pass along this newfound sense of happiness and love.
How to Get Thicker Hair by Erin Quinn.
The saying "thin is in" may be true for laptops, cell phones, and, up to a point, models, but it's never been true for hair. Most women would happily have plump hair, but nature doesn't always work in our favor. Even those born with thick hair may be vexed by thinness at some point in their lives. Some hair thinning is temporary, such as the kind that occurs during pregnancy. When a woman reaches her 40s, hormones cause the diameter of each hair strand to shrink, while the number of active hair follicles starts to decrease. If your scalp is visible in patches or your part is noticeably wider, see a dermatologist to determine whether there's a medical cause. For less severe cases, products and styling techniques can make hair look thicker -- or fatter.
Wash
Wash hair with a volumizing shampoo that contains protein.
Follow with a lightweight conditioner labeled for fine or thin hair, and apply it just from the ears down. Once out of the shower, gently blot your hair with a towel.
Prep
Apply a volumizer that has panthenol or resins throughout damp hair.
Spritz on a heat-protecting spray, avoiding the roots, then gently untangle the hair with a wide-tooth comb, starting at the ends and working your way up.
Blow-dry
Remove your dryer's nozzle, then set the heat to medium.
Flip your head upside down and blow-dry while running a vent brush through hair. When hair is almost dry, flip your head up and finish drying with a medium-size round brush.
Add Volume
Working in small sections, lift your hair off your scalp with your fingers as you aim the dryer, set on cool, at your roots -- this roughs up the cuticle to build volume.
Do this all around your head, then lightly smooth hair with a brush.
Strengthen
Once a week, do a hot-oil treatment on damp hair -- it's lighter than a mask and won't weigh down hair.
Pick one with jojoba oil, which protects against breakage, and proteins, which fatten strands. Avoid applying to roots.
Products
Protein-containing volumizing shampoo and conditioner leave deposits to thicken each strand. We like Biolage Volumathérapie Shampoo and Conditioner and Garnier Fructis Body Boost Shampoo and Conditioner (Biolage, matrix.com; garnierusa.com).
To reduce breakage, use shampoo and conditioner with strengthening provitamin B5. Try Neutrogena Triple Renewal Volume-Boosting Shampoo and Conditioner or Pantene Pro-V Full & Thick Shampoo and Conditioner (neutrogena.com; pantene.com).
For fine hair that's color-treated, try Pureology PureVolume Shampoo and Conditioner (at left) or Nexxus Dualiste Color Protection + Anti-Breakage Shampoo and Conditioner (pureology.com; nexxus.com).
For maximum benefits, apply a hot-oil treatment before shampooing. We like Queen Helene Jojoba Hot Oil Treatment (queenhelene.com).
Cheat Sheet
Shampoo hair with a volumizing formula; apply a conditioner for fine hair from your ears to the ends. Blot hair with a towel.
Work a volumizing spray or mousse throughout damp hair, then spritz a heat-protecting spray everywhere but the roots. Gently comb hair, starting at the ends and inching up.
Flip your head over; blow-dry hair without the nozzle on medium heat with a vent brush. When it's nearly dry, stand up and finish with a medium-size boar-bristle round brush.
Switch the dryer to cool, then lift hair with your fingers. Point the air at your roots for several seconds to build volume. Repeat all around your head, then brush the hair.
Once a week, apply a hot-oil treatment containing jojoba oil and proteins from just below the roots to the ends.
Tricks of the Trade
The right haircut makes a difference. Ask your stylist for minimal layers (heavy ones can look flat), or try deep bangs.
Condition very fine or sparse hair before shampooing -- you'll get just enough moisture without weighing hair down.
To boost volume, set dry hair in Velcro -- not hot -- rollers for ten minutes
Revive limp hair with dry shampoo. then massage your scalp with your
When wearing a ponytail or the hair no more than twice to
Certain supplements help strengthen Doctors advise 500 milligrams 1,000 micrograms of biotin per hair loss, see your doctor.
Toolbox
Some volumizers bulk up hair; some weigh it down and end up being counterproductive. For lightweight lift, try Fekkai Root Lifting Spray, L'Oréal Professionnel Texture Expert Mousse, or Suave Professionals Volumizing Mousse (fekkai.com; lorealprofessionnel.com; suave.com).
Heat-protecting sprays work by coating the cuticle with a lightweight silicone. Redken Hot Sets 22 Thermal Setting Mist and Tresemmé Thermal Creations Heat Tamer Spray won't weigh down fine hair (redken.com; tresemme.com).
Dry shampoo makes hair look thicker. We like Big Sexy Hair Volumizing Dry Shampoo (sexyhair.com).
A vent brush, such as the Goody Ouchless one, helps add fluffiness while you blow-dry (goody.com).
Scunci Smooth and Shine round brush, which is made with boar bristles, is gentle on fragile hair (scunci.com).
Battalia by Spornette Velcro rollers (below) add bounce but won't flatten the cuticle, as hot rollers can (folica.com).
Wash
Wash hair with a volumizing shampoo that contains protein.
Follow with a lightweight conditioner labeled for fine or thin hair, and apply it just from the ears down. Once out of the shower, gently blot your hair with a towel.
Prep
Apply a volumizer that has panthenol or resins throughout damp hair.
Spritz on a heat-protecting spray, avoiding the roots, then gently untangle the hair with a wide-tooth comb, starting at the ends and working your way up.
Blow-dry
Remove your dryer's nozzle, then set the heat to medium.
Flip your head upside down and blow-dry while running a vent brush through hair. When hair is almost dry, flip your head up and finish drying with a medium-size round brush.
Add Volume
Working in small sections, lift your hair off your scalp with your fingers as you aim the dryer, set on cool, at your roots -- this roughs up the cuticle to build volume.
Do this all around your head, then lightly smooth hair with a brush.
Strengthen
Once a week, do a hot-oil treatment on damp hair -- it's lighter than a mask and won't weigh down hair.
Pick one with jojoba oil, which protects against breakage, and proteins, which fatten strands. Avoid applying to roots.
Products
Protein-containing volumizing shampoo and conditioner leave deposits to thicken each strand. We like Biolage Volumathérapie Shampoo and Conditioner and Garnier Fructis Body Boost Shampoo and Conditioner (Biolage, matrix.com; garnierusa.com).
To reduce breakage, use shampoo and conditioner with strengthening provitamin B5. Try Neutrogena Triple Renewal Volume-Boosting Shampoo and Conditioner or Pantene Pro-V Full & Thick Shampoo and Conditioner (neutrogena.com; pantene.com).
For fine hair that's color-treated, try Pureology PureVolume Shampoo and Conditioner (at left) or Nexxus Dualiste Color Protection + Anti-Breakage Shampoo and Conditioner (pureology.com; nexxus.com).
For maximum benefits, apply a hot-oil treatment before shampooing. We like Queen Helene Jojoba Hot Oil Treatment (queenhelene.com).
Cheat Sheet
Shampoo hair with a volumizing formula; apply a conditioner for fine hair from your ears to the ends. Blot hair with a towel.
Work a volumizing spray or mousse throughout damp hair, then spritz a heat-protecting spray everywhere but the roots. Gently comb hair, starting at the ends and inching up.
Flip your head over; blow-dry hair without the nozzle on medium heat with a vent brush. When it's nearly dry, stand up and finish with a medium-size boar-bristle round brush.
Switch the dryer to cool, then lift hair with your fingers. Point the air at your roots for several seconds to build volume. Repeat all around your head, then brush the hair.
Once a week, apply a hot-oil treatment containing jojoba oil and proteins from just below the roots to the ends.
Tricks of the Trade
The right haircut makes a difference. Ask your stylist for minimal layers (heavy ones can look flat), or try deep bangs.
Condition very fine or sparse hair before shampooing -- you'll get just enough moisture without weighing hair down.
To boost volume, set dry hair in Velcro -- not hot -- rollers for ten minutes
Revive limp hair with dry shampoo. then massage your scalp with your
When wearing a ponytail or the hair no more than twice to
Certain supplements help strengthen Doctors advise 500 milligrams 1,000 micrograms of biotin per hair loss, see your doctor.
Toolbox
Some volumizers bulk up hair; some weigh it down and end up being counterproductive. For lightweight lift, try Fekkai Root Lifting Spray, L'Oréal Professionnel Texture Expert Mousse, or Suave Professionals Volumizing Mousse (fekkai.com; lorealprofessionnel.com; suave.com).
Heat-protecting sprays work by coating the cuticle with a lightweight silicone. Redken Hot Sets 22 Thermal Setting Mist and Tresemmé Thermal Creations Heat Tamer Spray won't weigh down fine hair (redken.com; tresemme.com).
Dry shampoo makes hair look thicker. We like Big Sexy Hair Volumizing Dry Shampoo (sexyhair.com).
A vent brush, such as the Goody Ouchless one, helps add fluffiness while you blow-dry (goody.com).
Scunci Smooth and Shine round brush, which is made with boar bristles, is gentle on fragile hair (scunci.com).
Battalia by Spornette Velcro rollers (below) add bounce but won't flatten the cuticle, as hot rollers can (folica.com).
Five Things Happy People Do by Gabrielle LeBlanc
There just may be a hidden formula for joy! Experts reveal the secrets of happy women.
Sages going back to Socrates have offered advice on how to be happy, but only now are scientists beginning to address this question with systematic, controlled research. Although many of the new studies reaffirm time-honored wisdom ("Do what you love," "To thine own self be true"), they also add a number of fresh twists and insights. We canvassed the leading experts on what happy people have in common—and why it's worth trying to become one of them:
They find their most golden self. Picture happiness. What do you see? A peaceful soul sitting in a field of daisies appreciating the moment? That kind of passive, pleasure-oriented—hedonic—contentment is definitely a component of overall happiness. But researchers now believe that eudaimonic well-being may be more important. Cobbled from the Greek eu ("good") and daimon ("spirit" or "deity"), eudaimonia means striving toward excellence based on one's unique talents and potential—Aristotle considered it to be the noblest goal in life. In his time, the Greeks believed that each child was blessed at birth with a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way they envisioned the daimon was as a golden figurine that would be revealed by cracking away an outer layer of cheap pottery (the person's base exterior). The effort to know and realize one's most golden self—"personal growth," in today's lingo—is now the central concept of eudaimonia, which has also come to include continually taking on new challenges and fulfilling one's sense of purpose in life.
"Eudaimonic well-being is much more robust and satisfying than hedonic happiness, and it engages different parts of the brain," says Richard J. Davidson, PhD, of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "The positive emotion accompanying thoughts that are directed toward meaningful goals is one of the most enduring components of well-being." Eudaimonia is also good for the body. Women who scored high on psychological tests for it (they were purposefully engaged in life, pursued self-development) weighed less, slept better, and had fewer stress hormones and markers for heart disease than others—including those reporting hedonic happiness—according to a study led by Carol Ryff, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
They design their lives to bring in joy. It may seem obvious, but "people don't devote enough time to thinking seriously about how they spend their life and how much of it they actually enjoy," says David Schkade, PhD, a psychologist and professor of management at the University of California, San Diego. In a recent study, Schkade and colleagues asked more than 900 working women to write down everything they'd done the day before. Afterward, they reviewed their diaries and evaluated how they felt at each point. When the women saw how much time they spent on activities they didn't like, "some people had tears in their eyes," Schkade says. "They didn't realize their happiness was something they could design and have control over."
Analyzing one's life isn't necessarily easy and may require questioning long-held assumptions. A high-powered career might, in fact, turn out to be unfulfilling; a committed relationship once longed for could end up being irritating with all the compromising that comes with having a partner. Dreams can be hard to abandon, even when they've turned sour.
Fortunately, changes don't have to be big ones to tip the joy in your favor. Schkade says that if you transfer even an hour of your day from an activity you hate (commuting, scrubbing the bathroom) to one you like (reading, spending time with friends), you should see a significant improvement in your overall happiness. Taking action is key. Another recent study, at the University of Missouri, compared college students who made intentional changes (joining a club, upgrading their study habits) with others who passively experienced positive turns in their circumstances (receiving a scholarship, being relieved of a bad roommate). All the students were happier in the short term, but only the group who made deliberate changes stayed that way.
They avoid "if only" fantasies. If only I get a better job…find a man…lose the weight…life will be perfect. Happy people don't buy into this kind of thinking.
The latest research shows that we're surprisingly bad at predicting what will make us happy. People also tend to misjudge their contentment when zeroing in on a single aspect of their lives—it's called the focusing illusion. In one study, single subjects were asked, "How happy are you with your life in general?" and "How many dates did you have last month?" When the dating question was asked first, their romantic lives weighed more heavily into how they rated their overall happiness than when the questions were reversed.
The other argument against "if only" fantasies has to do with "hedonic adaptation"—the brain's natural dimming effect, which guarantees that a new house won't generate the same pleasure a year after its purchase and the thrill of having a boyfriend will ebb as you get used to being part of a couple. Happy people are wise to this, which is why they keep their lives full of novelty, even if it's just trying a new activity (diving, yoga) or putting a new spin on an old favorite (kundalini instead of vinyasa).
They put best friends first. It's no surprise that social engagement is one of the most important contributors to happiness. What's news is that the nature of the relationship counts. Compared with dashing around chatting with acquaintances, you get more joy from spending longer periods of time with a close friend, according to research by Meliksah Demir, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Northern Arizona University. And the best-friend benefit doesn't necessarily come from delving into heavy discussions. One of the most essential pleasures of close friendship, Demir found, is simple companionship, "just hanging out," as he says, hitting the mall or going to the movies together and eating popcorn in the dark.
They allow themselves to be happy. As much as we all think we want it, many of us are convinced, deep down, that it's wrong to be happy (or too happy). Whether the belief comes from religion, culture, or the family you were raised in, it usually leaves you feeling guilty if you're having fun.
"Some people would say you shouldn't strive for personal happiness until you've taken care of everyone in the world who is starving or doesn't have adequate medical care," says Howard Cutler, MD, who co-authored The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World with the Dalai Lama. "The Dalai Lama believes you should pursue both simultaneously. For one thing, there is clear research showing that happy people tend to be more open to helping others. They also make better spouses and parents." And in one famous study, nuns whose autobiographies expressed positive emotions (such as gratitude and optimism) lived seven to 10-and-a-half years longer than other nuns. So, for any die-hard pessimist who still needs persuading, just think of how much more you can help the world if you allow a little happiness into your life.
Sages going back to Socrates have offered advice on how to be happy, but only now are scientists beginning to address this question with systematic, controlled research. Although many of the new studies reaffirm time-honored wisdom ("Do what you love," "To thine own self be true"), they also add a number of fresh twists and insights. We canvassed the leading experts on what happy people have in common—and why it's worth trying to become one of them:
They find their most golden self. Picture happiness. What do you see? A peaceful soul sitting in a field of daisies appreciating the moment? That kind of passive, pleasure-oriented—hedonic—contentment is definitely a component of overall happiness. But researchers now believe that eudaimonic well-being may be more important. Cobbled from the Greek eu ("good") and daimon ("spirit" or "deity"), eudaimonia means striving toward excellence based on one's unique talents and potential—Aristotle considered it to be the noblest goal in life. In his time, the Greeks believed that each child was blessed at birth with a personal daimon embodying the highest possible expression of his or her nature. One way they envisioned the daimon was as a golden figurine that would be revealed by cracking away an outer layer of cheap pottery (the person's base exterior). The effort to know and realize one's most golden self—"personal growth," in today's lingo—is now the central concept of eudaimonia, which has also come to include continually taking on new challenges and fulfilling one's sense of purpose in life.
"Eudaimonic well-being is much more robust and satisfying than hedonic happiness, and it engages different parts of the brain," says Richard J. Davidson, PhD, of the University of Wisconsin-Madison. "The positive emotion accompanying thoughts that are directed toward meaningful goals is one of the most enduring components of well-being." Eudaimonia is also good for the body. Women who scored high on psychological tests for it (they were purposefully engaged in life, pursued self-development) weighed less, slept better, and had fewer stress hormones and markers for heart disease than others—including those reporting hedonic happiness—according to a study led by Carol Ryff, PhD, a professor of psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison.
They design their lives to bring in joy. It may seem obvious, but "people don't devote enough time to thinking seriously about how they spend their life and how much of it they actually enjoy," says David Schkade, PhD, a psychologist and professor of management at the University of California, San Diego. In a recent study, Schkade and colleagues asked more than 900 working women to write down everything they'd done the day before. Afterward, they reviewed their diaries and evaluated how they felt at each point. When the women saw how much time they spent on activities they didn't like, "some people had tears in their eyes," Schkade says. "They didn't realize their happiness was something they could design and have control over."
Analyzing one's life isn't necessarily easy and may require questioning long-held assumptions. A high-powered career might, in fact, turn out to be unfulfilling; a committed relationship once longed for could end up being irritating with all the compromising that comes with having a partner. Dreams can be hard to abandon, even when they've turned sour.
Fortunately, changes don't have to be big ones to tip the joy in your favor. Schkade says that if you transfer even an hour of your day from an activity you hate (commuting, scrubbing the bathroom) to one you like (reading, spending time with friends), you should see a significant improvement in your overall happiness. Taking action is key. Another recent study, at the University of Missouri, compared college students who made intentional changes (joining a club, upgrading their study habits) with others who passively experienced positive turns in their circumstances (receiving a scholarship, being relieved of a bad roommate). All the students were happier in the short term, but only the group who made deliberate changes stayed that way.
They avoid "if only" fantasies. If only I get a better job…find a man…lose the weight…life will be perfect. Happy people don't buy into this kind of thinking.
The latest research shows that we're surprisingly bad at predicting what will make us happy. People also tend to misjudge their contentment when zeroing in on a single aspect of their lives—it's called the focusing illusion. In one study, single subjects were asked, "How happy are you with your life in general?" and "How many dates did you have last month?" When the dating question was asked first, their romantic lives weighed more heavily into how they rated their overall happiness than when the questions were reversed.
The other argument against "if only" fantasies has to do with "hedonic adaptation"—the brain's natural dimming effect, which guarantees that a new house won't generate the same pleasure a year after its purchase and the thrill of having a boyfriend will ebb as you get used to being part of a couple. Happy people are wise to this, which is why they keep their lives full of novelty, even if it's just trying a new activity (diving, yoga) or putting a new spin on an old favorite (kundalini instead of vinyasa).
They put best friends first. It's no surprise that social engagement is one of the most important contributors to happiness. What's news is that the nature of the relationship counts. Compared with dashing around chatting with acquaintances, you get more joy from spending longer periods of time with a close friend, according to research by Meliksah Demir, PhD, assistant professor of psychology at Northern Arizona University. And the best-friend benefit doesn't necessarily come from delving into heavy discussions. One of the most essential pleasures of close friendship, Demir found, is simple companionship, "just hanging out," as he says, hitting the mall or going to the movies together and eating popcorn in the dark.
They allow themselves to be happy. As much as we all think we want it, many of us are convinced, deep down, that it's wrong to be happy (or too happy). Whether the belief comes from religion, culture, or the family you were raised in, it usually leaves you feeling guilty if you're having fun.
"Some people would say you shouldn't strive for personal happiness until you've taken care of everyone in the world who is starving or doesn't have adequate medical care," says Howard Cutler, MD, who co-authored The Art of Happiness in a Troubled World with the Dalai Lama. "The Dalai Lama believes you should pursue both simultaneously. For one thing, there is clear research showing that happy people tend to be more open to helping others. They also make better spouses and parents." And in one famous study, nuns whose autobiographies expressed positive emotions (such as gratitude and optimism) lived seven to 10-and-a-half years longer than other nuns. So, for any die-hard pessimist who still needs persuading, just think of how much more you can help the world if you allow a little happiness into your life.
Why You Haven't Met 'The One' by Amy Spencer
If you're stuck in an unsuccessful dating rut and wondering why The One is so elusive, perhaps it's time to change your thinking about how and whom you date. Read on!
It happens to the best of us: There you are, going on date after date, but none of them seem to be panning out. Maybe you’re just having a string of bad luck. But then again, sometimes — just sometimes — there’s more out there for you than you’ve noticed. Just because you’re keeping your eyes peeled for love doesn’t mean your heart is entirely open. If you can’t put your finger on why you’re still looking, check our list of the most common dating ruts. If you’re in one of them now, you have the power to change your outlook. Then, when someone with potential crosses your path, you’ll recognize it immediately and be ready to pounce!
Problem: You aren’t feeling instant sparks
Solution: Forget romance for a sec and use the "friend" filter
When we go on a date, we’re usually looking for some hit-us-over-the-head romantic chemistry, and when we don’t feel it, we think the date is a waste of time. But that’s not true! "If you have a strong negative reaction to someone you meet, that’s one thing, but a neutral or unsure reaction to a person can turn into chemistry down the line — and those who shut the door right away won’t get to find that out," says Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D., author of the Boomer’s Guide to Dating (Again) and creator of Wakingdesire.com. So how can you be sure you’re open to later-blooming chemistry? Simple: Instead of using the "romance" filter that measures that love-at-first-sight chemistry, use the "friend" filter on your next date. Think about it: When you talk to a new person at a party, you don’t use cocktail conversation to search out what the two of you don’t have in common; you look for the things you do have in common. Try doing that on your next date. Instead of casting off your date too quickly (as in "Oh, he’s not into music," or "Oh, she’s far too quiet compared to me"), hone in on whether you both love Frasier reruns, have similar views on immigration, or can’t stand cheese plates.
The pursuit of friendship takes the pressure off by making the goal of the date learning about the person," says Dr. Helgoe. Which, let’s be honest, is what a first date should be anyway. Because the more common ground you discover, the more likely chemistry can develop later.
Problem: Your dates look great on paper… but that’s it
Solution: Pay attention to how you’re feeling vs. your date’s résumé
So this person has a ton of wonderful qualities. That’s fine, for a start. But amazing chemistry isn’t just about finding someone you admire or think would be a great life partner. It’s about how you feel when you’re with that person. For instance, if the date you had last night was friendly and gregarious, but you felt more meek or quiet than usual in his or her shadow, that doesn’t make for strong chemistry. "You want to really feel like yourself — your happiest, most excited self," explains Rhonda Findling, author of The Dating Cure. So on your next rendezvous, don’t merely ask, "Do I like this person?" Also ask yourself, "Do I like myself when I’m around this person?" And with an attitude like that, you just may recognize something brilliant very soon.
Problem: You don’t think this person has long-term potential
Solution: Try the "Carpe date-’em" trick
We single people are so afraid of "settling" that we can’t help looking ahead to the future in the first few minutes on a date. In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson asks Diane Keaton if she wants to go for a walk along the beach. She stammers and wavers until finally he says, "It’s just a walk, not a marriage proposal!" Try to think of your dates the same way. It’s not a long-term commitment... it’s a latte. Take it one step at a time. You know that saying "carpe diem" — in Latin, it means seize the day? Instead of carpe diem, carpe date-’em! Go one a date for what it is, and don’t start obsessing about whether this person wants the same number of kids as you do. Going slow is fine.
Problem: You swear all the good ones are taken already
Solution: Look again… at people you usually pass over
Thanks to all the adorably hopeful romantic comedy movies they keep making, it’s sometimes hard to shake the thought that someone, somewhere, someday, will sweep you off your feet and move with you to an old vineyard in Italy. But what about your neighbor who hits the same coffee shop in the morning 30 seconds after you do? Like traffic accidents, love accidents often happen close to home. You may be looking for a fairy tale, but remember that sometimes, the fairy tale is finding someone when you’re taking out the trash.
"Think about the happy ending in Bridget Jones’ Diary," says Dr. Helgoe. "She didn’t end up with her sexy boss… she ended up with the guy she met at the family party wearing a reindeer sweater!" So keep your antenna up 24/7 and the next time you wonder, "Where are all the good single men and women?" remind yourself they may be standing next to you on line at Old Navy or Whole Foods.
Problem: You feel down about yourself and not date-worthy
Solution: Give yourself a pre-date pep rally
After traveling a few miles on the road to nobody special, it’s easy to start blaming yourself. You wind up going out and socializing or turning up on a date with a sad-sack attitude. (Hint: Not a turn-on…) Nobody wants to date a downer, so it’s time to corral the cheerleaders in your life to remind you why you’re such a catch. One hour before your next date, give one of your cheerleaders a call. Maybe it’s an older brother who says, "Dude, you are a fine specimen. Go get ’em!" When I’m having a down dating spell, I email my gay friend (the Will to my Grace) my latest dating sob story just so he’ll write back, "Are you kidding? You’re the prettiest girl in the world! If I liked girls, I would have wanted to marry you five years ago!" Is it hokey? Yes. Does it work every time? You betcha.
It happens to the best of us: There you are, going on date after date, but none of them seem to be panning out. Maybe you’re just having a string of bad luck. But then again, sometimes — just sometimes — there’s more out there for you than you’ve noticed. Just because you’re keeping your eyes peeled for love doesn’t mean your heart is entirely open. If you can’t put your finger on why you’re still looking, check our list of the most common dating ruts. If you’re in one of them now, you have the power to change your outlook. Then, when someone with potential crosses your path, you’ll recognize it immediately and be ready to pounce!
Problem: You aren’t feeling instant sparks
Solution: Forget romance for a sec and use the "friend" filter
When we go on a date, we’re usually looking for some hit-us-over-the-head romantic chemistry, and when we don’t feel it, we think the date is a waste of time. But that’s not true! "If you have a strong negative reaction to someone you meet, that’s one thing, but a neutral or unsure reaction to a person can turn into chemistry down the line — and those who shut the door right away won’t get to find that out," says Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D., author of the Boomer’s Guide to Dating (Again) and creator of Wakingdesire.com. So how can you be sure you’re open to later-blooming chemistry? Simple: Instead of using the "romance" filter that measures that love-at-first-sight chemistry, use the "friend" filter on your next date. Think about it: When you talk to a new person at a party, you don’t use cocktail conversation to search out what the two of you don’t have in common; you look for the things you do have in common. Try doing that on your next date. Instead of casting off your date too quickly (as in "Oh, he’s not into music," or "Oh, she’s far too quiet compared to me"), hone in on whether you both love Frasier reruns, have similar views on immigration, or can’t stand cheese plates.
The pursuit of friendship takes the pressure off by making the goal of the date learning about the person," says Dr. Helgoe. Which, let’s be honest, is what a first date should be anyway. Because the more common ground you discover, the more likely chemistry can develop later.
Problem: Your dates look great on paper… but that’s it
Solution: Pay attention to how you’re feeling vs. your date’s résumé
So this person has a ton of wonderful qualities. That’s fine, for a start. But amazing chemistry isn’t just about finding someone you admire or think would be a great life partner. It’s about how you feel when you’re with that person. For instance, if the date you had last night was friendly and gregarious, but you felt more meek or quiet than usual in his or her shadow, that doesn’t make for strong chemistry. "You want to really feel like yourself — your happiest, most excited self," explains Rhonda Findling, author of The Dating Cure. So on your next rendezvous, don’t merely ask, "Do I like this person?" Also ask yourself, "Do I like myself when I’m around this person?" And with an attitude like that, you just may recognize something brilliant very soon.
Problem: You don’t think this person has long-term potential
Solution: Try the "Carpe date-’em" trick
We single people are so afraid of "settling" that we can’t help looking ahead to the future in the first few minutes on a date. In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson asks Diane Keaton if she wants to go for a walk along the beach. She stammers and wavers until finally he says, "It’s just a walk, not a marriage proposal!" Try to think of your dates the same way. It’s not a long-term commitment... it’s a latte. Take it one step at a time. You know that saying "carpe diem" — in Latin, it means seize the day? Instead of carpe diem, carpe date-’em! Go one a date for what it is, and don’t start obsessing about whether this person wants the same number of kids as you do. Going slow is fine.
Problem: You swear all the good ones are taken already
Solution: Look again… at people you usually pass over
Thanks to all the adorably hopeful romantic comedy movies they keep making, it’s sometimes hard to shake the thought that someone, somewhere, someday, will sweep you off your feet and move with you to an old vineyard in Italy. But what about your neighbor who hits the same coffee shop in the morning 30 seconds after you do? Like traffic accidents, love accidents often happen close to home. You may be looking for a fairy tale, but remember that sometimes, the fairy tale is finding someone when you’re taking out the trash.
"Think about the happy ending in Bridget Jones’ Diary," says Dr. Helgoe. "She didn’t end up with her sexy boss… she ended up with the guy she met at the family party wearing a reindeer sweater!" So keep your antenna up 24/7 and the next time you wonder, "Where are all the good single men and women?" remind yourself they may be standing next to you on line at Old Navy or Whole Foods.
Problem: You feel down about yourself and not date-worthy
Solution: Give yourself a pre-date pep rally
After traveling a few miles on the road to nobody special, it’s easy to start blaming yourself. You wind up going out and socializing or turning up on a date with a sad-sack attitude. (Hint: Not a turn-on…) Nobody wants to date a downer, so it’s time to corral the cheerleaders in your life to remind you why you’re such a catch. One hour before your next date, give one of your cheerleaders a call. Maybe it’s an older brother who says, "Dude, you are a fine specimen. Go get ’em!" When I’m having a down dating spell, I email my gay friend (the Will to my Grace) my latest dating sob story just so he’ll write back, "Are you kidding? You’re the prettiest girl in the world! If I liked girls, I would have wanted to marry you five years ago!" Is it hokey? Yes. Does it work every time? You betcha.
Are Your Friends Toxic? by Sean Cunningham
Take our test to see if any of your buds should be left off the next guest list.
For Your Single Friends
1. After weeks of stressing and obsessing, you get the promotion. She says:
a. "I knew you would do it. Let's celebrate!"
b. "Wait, you were up for a promotion? Did you mention this?"
c. "That's great! I remember being really happy when my career reached that level a few years ago."
2. If she's with your husband and doesn't know you're watching, she's likely to:
a. Chat about politics, TV shows, and whatever else comes up (they've always gotten along).
b. Search for an excuse to walk away (they didn't hit it off initially and, while she isn't openly rude, she's given him the cold shoulder ever since).
c. Laugh way too loudly at his jokes and have so much physical contact with him that it could qualify as a lap dance.
3. After your first big fight, you show up almost hyperventilating at her place and ask if she thinks you rushed into marriage too soon. She says:
a. Very little (she does, however, listen to everything you have to say, and once you've said it, you feel a lot calmer).
b. "I'd love to talk about this, but it's going to have to be quick because I have a date in an hour."
c. "Hey, let's face it: You should be counting your blessings. You have a man."
4. If you had a serious problem, she'd probably be:
a. The first person you call.
b. Someone you might call, provided a number of other friends were unavailable.
c. The last person you'd contact (yes, even after the mother-in-law who still doesn't think you're good enough for her baby).
For Your Couple Pals
1. You go out to dinner with friends. The tab winds up being much more than expected, so you cover their share as well as your own. Based on experience, they'll:
a. Pay you back the next day and thank you again.
b. Pay you back two weeks later after a polite reminder (which is fine --when you drink that much, stuff slips your mind too).
c. Pay you back a month later after a few increasingly pointed reminders, clearly annoyed you could be so gauche as to want your own money.
2. The two of you have a secret that you're very sensitive about, but you share it with them because you feel so burdened by it. They're likely to reveal this:
a. Only after several hours of waterboarding.
b. If they consume a few too many cocktails (they'll be very embarrassed the next day).
c. To another set of their couple friends that night who will repeat it to virtually everyone they meet as an icebreaker.
3. You agree to meet at a restaurant of your choice. They arrive:
a. Five minutes early and are ready to have a good time.
b. Twenty minutes late -- which wouldn't be a big deal, except you told them you were hoping to have an early night. They then insist on having dessert, coffee, and a nightcap, so you have fun but doze off in a meeting the next day.
c. In a foul mood, and while you know they have stressful jobs, you wish they didn't have to complain that much about the restaurant you picked (and refuse to leave when you offer to go somewhere else).
4. When you introduce them to other couples, they tend to:
a. Charm them immediately. What do you expect from people who are open and funny?
b. Keep them at arm's length. You know they've always been reserved, but you wish they could be a little friendlier.
c. Ignore the new folks completely and seek to monopolize your time, making the dinner party you spent two weeks planning an exercise in social awkwardness.
Scoring: For every "A", award yourself 10 points; for every "B", give yourself 5; and each "C" gets you 0.
25 to 40 points: Keepers
Consistently demonstrate that they support you, are thoughtful of your feelings, and will always have your back. Plus, you have a great time together. What's not to like?
15 to 24: Could Be Worse
Fun to be around, but unreliable. Recognize this type of friendship has its limits; while perfect for the good times, it won't be your rock when things are tough.
14 or less: Catastrophic
Whatever your friendship may once have been, it's devolved into a mix of resentment, jealousy, and general uneasiness. Life's too short; move on.
For Your Single Friends
1. After weeks of stressing and obsessing, you get the promotion. She says:
a. "I knew you would do it. Let's celebrate!"
b. "Wait, you were up for a promotion? Did you mention this?"
c. "That's great! I remember being really happy when my career reached that level a few years ago."
2. If she's with your husband and doesn't know you're watching, she's likely to:
a. Chat about politics, TV shows, and whatever else comes up (they've always gotten along).
b. Search for an excuse to walk away (they didn't hit it off initially and, while she isn't openly rude, she's given him the cold shoulder ever since).
c. Laugh way too loudly at his jokes and have so much physical contact with him that it could qualify as a lap dance.
3. After your first big fight, you show up almost hyperventilating at her place and ask if she thinks you rushed into marriage too soon. She says:
a. Very little (she does, however, listen to everything you have to say, and once you've said it, you feel a lot calmer).
b. "I'd love to talk about this, but it's going to have to be quick because I have a date in an hour."
c. "Hey, let's face it: You should be counting your blessings. You have a man."
4. If you had a serious problem, she'd probably be:
a. The first person you call.
b. Someone you might call, provided a number of other friends were unavailable.
c. The last person you'd contact (yes, even after the mother-in-law who still doesn't think you're good enough for her baby).
For Your Couple Pals
1. You go out to dinner with friends. The tab winds up being much more than expected, so you cover their share as well as your own. Based on experience, they'll:
a. Pay you back the next day and thank you again.
b. Pay you back two weeks later after a polite reminder (which is fine --when you drink that much, stuff slips your mind too).
c. Pay you back a month later after a few increasingly pointed reminders, clearly annoyed you could be so gauche as to want your own money.
2. The two of you have a secret that you're very sensitive about, but you share it with them because you feel so burdened by it. They're likely to reveal this:
a. Only after several hours of waterboarding.
b. If they consume a few too many cocktails (they'll be very embarrassed the next day).
c. To another set of their couple friends that night who will repeat it to virtually everyone they meet as an icebreaker.
3. You agree to meet at a restaurant of your choice. They arrive:
a. Five minutes early and are ready to have a good time.
b. Twenty minutes late -- which wouldn't be a big deal, except you told them you were hoping to have an early night. They then insist on having dessert, coffee, and a nightcap, so you have fun but doze off in a meeting the next day.
c. In a foul mood, and while you know they have stressful jobs, you wish they didn't have to complain that much about the restaurant you picked (and refuse to leave when you offer to go somewhere else).
4. When you introduce them to other couples, they tend to:
a. Charm them immediately. What do you expect from people who are open and funny?
b. Keep them at arm's length. You know they've always been reserved, but you wish they could be a little friendlier.
c. Ignore the new folks completely and seek to monopolize your time, making the dinner party you spent two weeks planning an exercise in social awkwardness.
Scoring: For every "A", award yourself 10 points; for every "B", give yourself 5; and each "C" gets you 0.
25 to 40 points: Keepers
Consistently demonstrate that they support you, are thoughtful of your feelings, and will always have your back. Plus, you have a great time together. What's not to like?
15 to 24: Could Be Worse
Fun to be around, but unreliable. Recognize this type of friendship has its limits; while perfect for the good times, it won't be your rock when things are tough.
14 or less: Catastrophic
Whatever your friendship may once have been, it's devolved into a mix of resentment, jealousy, and general uneasiness. Life's too short; move on.
Six Little Ways to Be a Better Friend by Lauren Bradshaw
Some of the most important people in our lives are our friends. Have you shown them lately what they mean to you? These small gestures will let your pals know how much you value their friendship.
Sure, a girls' weekend in Cabo would be lovely right about now. But barring that, these tiny but meaningful ideas from Melina Gerosa Bellows, author of The Fun Book for Girlfriends, will show your friends how much you heart them.
1. Put her on your to-do list
"Remember when Oprah talked about her weight battle and said, 'I'm putting myself on the list'?" says Bellows. "Why not put your friends on yours? They're often the first thing women drop when life gets hectic." Even one fun thing per week -- from an evening cooking class together to a quick 10-minute phone catch-up -- counts.
2. Be there in the bad times, too
When her life sucks, you may not know what to say, but you don't need all of the right words. Just show up. Go to the funeral. Be the getaway car when she has to pick up her belongings from her ex's place. Bring her soup when she's sick and résumé paper when her job goes poof.
3. Don't over-advise
"Sometimes friends want advice, and sometimes they just want you to sign their permission slip and give your OK," says Bellows. How to tell the difference? Wait and see if she asks what you'd do. Then, and only then, should you give your opinion, says Bellows -- even if it stings a little.
4. Accept her weaknesses
So she isn't the best listener -- that doesn't mean you should cross her off your list entirely. "I have less-than-sensitive friends I'd never go to about a serious problem," says Bellows. "But they'd be so much fun on a road trip." Recognize your friends' shortcomings and play to each of their individual strengths. Says Bellows: "You don't expect a man to be everything for you; why would you put that pressure on a girlfriend?"
5. Be cash-conscious
In this economy, it pays to be sensitive to her budget when making plans or divvying up a check. "It's also a great time to be resourceful with what you already have," says Bellows. "I'm gifting some of my frequent-flier miles to a friend so she can visit her family overseas."
6. Look out for her -- even when she's not looking
Talk her up, tag only flattering pictures of her, and in general show the same thoughtfulness Bellows does when she shops the sales racks: "I always check for my friends' sizes, too. I just found one a great J.Crew sweater!"
Sure, a girls' weekend in Cabo would be lovely right about now. But barring that, these tiny but meaningful ideas from Melina Gerosa Bellows, author of The Fun Book for Girlfriends, will show your friends how much you heart them.
1. Put her on your to-do list
"Remember when Oprah talked about her weight battle and said, 'I'm putting myself on the list'?" says Bellows. "Why not put your friends on yours? They're often the first thing women drop when life gets hectic." Even one fun thing per week -- from an evening cooking class together to a quick 10-minute phone catch-up -- counts.
2. Be there in the bad times, too
When her life sucks, you may not know what to say, but you don't need all of the right words. Just show up. Go to the funeral. Be the getaway car when she has to pick up her belongings from her ex's place. Bring her soup when she's sick and résumé paper when her job goes poof.
3. Don't over-advise
"Sometimes friends want advice, and sometimes they just want you to sign their permission slip and give your OK," says Bellows. How to tell the difference? Wait and see if she asks what you'd do. Then, and only then, should you give your opinion, says Bellows -- even if it stings a little.
4. Accept her weaknesses
So she isn't the best listener -- that doesn't mean you should cross her off your list entirely. "I have less-than-sensitive friends I'd never go to about a serious problem," says Bellows. "But they'd be so much fun on a road trip." Recognize your friends' shortcomings and play to each of their individual strengths. Says Bellows: "You don't expect a man to be everything for you; why would you put that pressure on a girlfriend?"
5. Be cash-conscious
In this economy, it pays to be sensitive to her budget when making plans or divvying up a check. "It's also a great time to be resourceful with what you already have," says Bellows. "I'm gifting some of my frequent-flier miles to a friend so she can visit her family overseas."
6. Look out for her -- even when she's not looking
Talk her up, tag only flattering pictures of her, and in general show the same thoughtfulness Bellows does when she shops the sales racks: "I always check for my friends' sizes, too. I just found one a great J.Crew sweater!"
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
10 Ways To Improve Your Marriage While It’s Raining by Corey Allan
Your environment has a dramatic impact on your mood. You wake up in the morning and glance outside, the sun is up without a cloud in the sky, you get in the sunny day mood. Perhaps you feel a bit more energy, You want to get outside and enjoy the weather. On cold blustery days you long to sit by the fire with something warm to drink, or the other extreme of throwing on extra layers and playing in the snow. But nothing has more impact than when it’s raining. If you’re like most of us, you feel apathetic, tired, you want to crawl back into bed even though you just climbed out 5 minutes earlier.
Let’s say it’s been raining for several days in a row, you’re bored, cooped up, and to top it off, so is your spouse. You’re feeding off each other’s mood. It’s a vicious spiral.
Before you reach the point of needing therapy in order to climb out of your depression, recognize the weather’s influence on your mood. You are stronger than the weather. You can’t control it, weather forecasters can’t even accurately predict it, but you can choose how you react to it. I have often thought about moving to Seattle and opening a therapy practice specializing in depression, but I digress.
What if you chose to try something with your spouse while it’s raining? Make the most of the time. Here are few suggestions:
Read. Seek out a comfortable place for both of you and read. This can be to each other or different books for each of you. Just be together. Sit by each other. Intertwine your legs. You may fall asleep, that’s ok. Then you both get to enjoy a nap. Nothing wrong with that.
Sit on the porch. My wife and I love to sit on our deck while it’s raining. It’s wonderful to just sit together and listen to the rain. Add a cup of something warm to drink and you’ve got a relaxing time together.
Play a game. Break open the game closet and play something together. Yahtzee, Monopoly, or find a deck of cards. Interact. Have fun. You could even crank up the Wii. Just play something together. No time pressures. Play.
Talk. Plan something for the future. Tackle an issue that’s been bugging you. Catch up on your spouse’s life. Find a comfortable place to sit. Relax. Have a conversation.
Work around the house. You are both already stuck inside. Finish some of the projects around the house. Organize an area. Declutter. Go through your clothes and get rid of things. When the sun returns, your house will be more organized and simplified. A double boost of energy.
Go for a walk. Some of my wife and I’s favorite memories are of walking together in the rain. We live by the saying: there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad gear. Even if you don’t have the gear to keep you completely dry, so what. You’re not going to melt.
Have sex. What better way to break out of feeling down? Rain can be very romantic. Light some candles. Maybe open the window a bit to hear the raindrops. Climb into bed together and take your time. Maybe it’s time to establish the “naked rainy day” policy with your spouse.
Listen to good jazz. While you don’t have to listen to jazz, turn on music you enjoy. Relax. Add in any of the other ideas to this one. Good music often improves whatever is going on together.
Dance. This naturally goes with the good music suggestion. In fact, this could lead to another suggestion as well. Either way, dance with your spouse. Seek them out and ask them to dance. It’s a great way to add spark to your marriage.
Watch a movie. Pop some popcorn. Dim the lights. Cuddle with each other and turn on a good movie
Let’s say it’s been raining for several days in a row, you’re bored, cooped up, and to top it off, so is your spouse. You’re feeding off each other’s mood. It’s a vicious spiral.
Before you reach the point of needing therapy in order to climb out of your depression, recognize the weather’s influence on your mood. You are stronger than the weather. You can’t control it, weather forecasters can’t even accurately predict it, but you can choose how you react to it. I have often thought about moving to Seattle and opening a therapy practice specializing in depression, but I digress.
What if you chose to try something with your spouse while it’s raining? Make the most of the time. Here are few suggestions:
Read. Seek out a comfortable place for both of you and read. This can be to each other or different books for each of you. Just be together. Sit by each other. Intertwine your legs. You may fall asleep, that’s ok. Then you both get to enjoy a nap. Nothing wrong with that.
Sit on the porch. My wife and I love to sit on our deck while it’s raining. It’s wonderful to just sit together and listen to the rain. Add a cup of something warm to drink and you’ve got a relaxing time together.
Play a game. Break open the game closet and play something together. Yahtzee, Monopoly, or find a deck of cards. Interact. Have fun. You could even crank up the Wii. Just play something together. No time pressures. Play.
Talk. Plan something for the future. Tackle an issue that’s been bugging you. Catch up on your spouse’s life. Find a comfortable place to sit. Relax. Have a conversation.
Work around the house. You are both already stuck inside. Finish some of the projects around the house. Organize an area. Declutter. Go through your clothes and get rid of things. When the sun returns, your house will be more organized and simplified. A double boost of energy.
Go for a walk. Some of my wife and I’s favorite memories are of walking together in the rain. We live by the saying: there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad gear. Even if you don’t have the gear to keep you completely dry, so what. You’re not going to melt.
Have sex. What better way to break out of feeling down? Rain can be very romantic. Light some candles. Maybe open the window a bit to hear the raindrops. Climb into bed together and take your time. Maybe it’s time to establish the “naked rainy day” policy with your spouse.
Listen to good jazz. While you don’t have to listen to jazz, turn on music you enjoy. Relax. Add in any of the other ideas to this one. Good music often improves whatever is going on together.
Dance. This naturally goes with the good music suggestion. In fact, this could lead to another suggestion as well. Either way, dance with your spouse. Seek them out and ask them to dance. It’s a great way to add spark to your marriage.
Watch a movie. Pop some popcorn. Dim the lights. Cuddle with each other and turn on a good movie
Remembering First Love by Alex Blackwell
My first love recently found me on Facebook. When I saw her friend request I left the present and went back to 1979. 30 years ago, I was a junior in high school driving my ’69 Volkswagen Beatle while listening to the Bee Gees on the AM-only band radio and not realizing the power love would have in my life.
It also never occurred to me there would come a day when I would be in my mid 40s forgetting what it was like to be young. At 16-years-old, there was a whole life in front of me and with no need to rush.
Like most, when I was a child I had several childhood crushes. I had crushes on a few teachers, girls I saw on television, and I had a huge crush on a young lady in Kindergarten named Sonya who always wore plaid jumpers. These crushes eventually lead me to my first intimate relationship and to my first love.
It was in this relationship when I first considered what it would be like to share a life with someone else and what I wanted from love. It was an awakening, an awareness, that I was worthy to give and receive love unconditionally. I experienced my first love almost a lifetime ago, but the lessons learned are still with me today.
The power of first love
Before falling in love, I didn’t realize I get to choose who to love. We can naturally love our parents and siblings without even thinking about it. The power of our first romantic love extends our view of the world and provides the awareness we are free to experience the pleasure of love and not just the presence of love.
When we become teenagers, the separation from our family of origin begins to widen and our focus is turned inside-out. The temptation of a world we can now reach in our cars and, once we get there, enjoy the touch and kiss of another becomes too great to resist.
The power of first love tells us we are becoming adults. We now have the right equipment to love another person, even though we may have skipped over a few important pages from the user’s manual. Nevertheless, we fall into love fast and we can fall very hard. The power of first love is never repeated in subsequent relationships; nor should it be.
I guess in a perfect world, we would wake up and find ourselves in our second relationship, but we would miss out on an experience filled with so much euphoria that our appetite to want to be in love and experience the joy it can bring might be diminished to the point it could keep us from ever sharing our hearts in the first place.
The power of our actions
Falling in love for the first time showed me the power my actions can have. It was in the spring of 1979 when my girlfriend and I found ourselves in love and committed to one another exclusively.
Months of passing notes in class, flirting and finding the courage to act on an exciting curiosity lead to our first date and to the awareness our feelings ran deep. It was this way throughout the rest of the spring and into the summer.
During the summer of 1979 I worked as a lifeguard. When school started later in the fall, I noticed other girls were interested in me, too. I felt confident with my lifeguard’s tan and broad-shouldered build that I initiated the break-up to make myself available for those interests.
Without warning and without good cause, I abruptly ended the relationship. It never occurred to me the pain my actions would cause. When I asked for forgiveness and reconciliation, it was not granted.
At that moment, now as a 17-year-old, my awareness of life and love shifted from a selfish mindset to one that showed me the power my actions have to bring happiness and sadness alike into the life of another. The world was no longer all about me – my actions affected the lives of others.
My first love created the force necessary for the final push. My fall from adolescence was now complete. I had become an adult whether I was ready or not.
The power of passion and intensity
The emotions experienced in first love can be very intense. Most free time is spent together and those seemingly endless moments turn into long, passionate kisses when it’s time to say goodbye. After the final kiss is over and both find themselves alone, the phone will ring when one cannot stand time away from the other any longer.
First love tells us the type of partner we want and it demonstrates the kind of partner we can be. First love also teaches us the value of passion and how it can be used to provide the inspiration to live passionately and with great faith in the other parts of our life.
Our hearts come alive with our newfound ability to share what’s inside. Before we fall in love for the first time, our hearts beat to the familiar. We may love those in our life, but we haven’t quite recognized the enormous amount of hope we have to find someone special; someone just for us and with whom we can make a heart connection.
It’s take courage to hold your heart in the palm of your hand while someone else takes your fingers and, one-by-one, peels them back to reveal the gift that is waiting. Sometimes the gift is cherished and sometimes it is not. Either way, we learn to surrender to passion because of the promise of what it can deliver.
Lessons learned
I accepted her friend request and thought for a moment about what type of comment I should write. The first thing that came to mind was to ask, once again, for some forgiveness. She provided that in her reply. Time may not cause us to forget, but it does provide some space for some healing.
After exchanging a few more messages which attempted to cover the past 30 years, I logged out and went on with my day although the feelings that were churned up stayed with me.
Somewhere along the way, I had forgotten that teenager who had a whole life in front of him. Like most 16-year-olds, I felt invincible and incapable of aging. The world was mine to shape into anything I wanted it to be. Dreams of medical school and experiencing fantastic adventures filled my mind with great anticipation. And then, I found love and someone who made my heart beat differently than it had ever had before.
Falling in love for the first time didn’t cause me to stop dreaming. Just the opposite. My first love helped me to realize a life with meaning is intended to be enjoyed together. We have the ability to accomplish whatever we set our minds to achieving, but having someone to share our life with makes all the difference.
My first love taught me the lessons of passion and the power my actions can have on another. It taught me I was worthy to be loved unconditionally. My first love prepared me to be a better lover next time.
My 46-year-old heart now knows the power of love and hope. There is still plenty of life left in front of me and there is no need to rush. I learned these things from my first love.
It also never occurred to me there would come a day when I would be in my mid 40s forgetting what it was like to be young. At 16-years-old, there was a whole life in front of me and with no need to rush.
Like most, when I was a child I had several childhood crushes. I had crushes on a few teachers, girls I saw on television, and I had a huge crush on a young lady in Kindergarten named Sonya who always wore plaid jumpers. These crushes eventually lead me to my first intimate relationship and to my first love.
It was in this relationship when I first considered what it would be like to share a life with someone else and what I wanted from love. It was an awakening, an awareness, that I was worthy to give and receive love unconditionally. I experienced my first love almost a lifetime ago, but the lessons learned are still with me today.
The power of first love
Before falling in love, I didn’t realize I get to choose who to love. We can naturally love our parents and siblings without even thinking about it. The power of our first romantic love extends our view of the world and provides the awareness we are free to experience the pleasure of love and not just the presence of love.
When we become teenagers, the separation from our family of origin begins to widen and our focus is turned inside-out. The temptation of a world we can now reach in our cars and, once we get there, enjoy the touch and kiss of another becomes too great to resist.
The power of first love tells us we are becoming adults. We now have the right equipment to love another person, even though we may have skipped over a few important pages from the user’s manual. Nevertheless, we fall into love fast and we can fall very hard. The power of first love is never repeated in subsequent relationships; nor should it be.
I guess in a perfect world, we would wake up and find ourselves in our second relationship, but we would miss out on an experience filled with so much euphoria that our appetite to want to be in love and experience the joy it can bring might be diminished to the point it could keep us from ever sharing our hearts in the first place.
The power of our actions
Falling in love for the first time showed me the power my actions can have. It was in the spring of 1979 when my girlfriend and I found ourselves in love and committed to one another exclusively.
Months of passing notes in class, flirting and finding the courage to act on an exciting curiosity lead to our first date and to the awareness our feelings ran deep. It was this way throughout the rest of the spring and into the summer.
During the summer of 1979 I worked as a lifeguard. When school started later in the fall, I noticed other girls were interested in me, too. I felt confident with my lifeguard’s tan and broad-shouldered build that I initiated the break-up to make myself available for those interests.
Without warning and without good cause, I abruptly ended the relationship. It never occurred to me the pain my actions would cause. When I asked for forgiveness and reconciliation, it was not granted.
At that moment, now as a 17-year-old, my awareness of life and love shifted from a selfish mindset to one that showed me the power my actions have to bring happiness and sadness alike into the life of another. The world was no longer all about me – my actions affected the lives of others.
My first love created the force necessary for the final push. My fall from adolescence was now complete. I had become an adult whether I was ready or not.
The power of passion and intensity
The emotions experienced in first love can be very intense. Most free time is spent together and those seemingly endless moments turn into long, passionate kisses when it’s time to say goodbye. After the final kiss is over and both find themselves alone, the phone will ring when one cannot stand time away from the other any longer.
First love tells us the type of partner we want and it demonstrates the kind of partner we can be. First love also teaches us the value of passion and how it can be used to provide the inspiration to live passionately and with great faith in the other parts of our life.
Our hearts come alive with our newfound ability to share what’s inside. Before we fall in love for the first time, our hearts beat to the familiar. We may love those in our life, but we haven’t quite recognized the enormous amount of hope we have to find someone special; someone just for us and with whom we can make a heart connection.
It’s take courage to hold your heart in the palm of your hand while someone else takes your fingers and, one-by-one, peels them back to reveal the gift that is waiting. Sometimes the gift is cherished and sometimes it is not. Either way, we learn to surrender to passion because of the promise of what it can deliver.
Lessons learned
I accepted her friend request and thought for a moment about what type of comment I should write. The first thing that came to mind was to ask, once again, for some forgiveness. She provided that in her reply. Time may not cause us to forget, but it does provide some space for some healing.
After exchanging a few more messages which attempted to cover the past 30 years, I logged out and went on with my day although the feelings that were churned up stayed with me.
Somewhere along the way, I had forgotten that teenager who had a whole life in front of him. Like most 16-year-olds, I felt invincible and incapable of aging. The world was mine to shape into anything I wanted it to be. Dreams of medical school and experiencing fantastic adventures filled my mind with great anticipation. And then, I found love and someone who made my heart beat differently than it had ever had before.
Falling in love for the first time didn’t cause me to stop dreaming. Just the opposite. My first love helped me to realize a life with meaning is intended to be enjoyed together. We have the ability to accomplish whatever we set our minds to achieving, but having someone to share our life with makes all the difference.
My first love taught me the lessons of passion and the power my actions can have on another. It taught me I was worthy to be loved unconditionally. My first love prepared me to be a better lover next time.
My 46-year-old heart now knows the power of love and hope. There is still plenty of life left in front of me and there is no need to rush. I learned these things from my first love.
The Stimulus of Understanding by Wendy Strgar
“A man doesn’t learn to understand anything unless he loves it.” Goethe
There is a guy banging his head against a brick wall. When asked why he is banging his head against the brick wall, he pauses and says because “it feels so good when I stop.” It is a silly story of truth for millions. We continue to bang our heads against the same brick walls, partly because it feels good when we stop, but also because we don’t know how to do it differently. More often than not, our response to life stimulus remains the same. In order for any stimulus to really move us into a new place we have learn how to think in a new way and risk giving up the old brick wall.
In one of my favorite reads of late, Stumbling on Happiness, author Daniel Gilbert gives a thorough understanding of the way we are fooled not just by our memory of what has happened but also by our imagination when we project what will happen in the future and how we will feel about it. We humans don’t really learn from each other. Whether it is planning to have a child or starting a new business, we simply refuse to believe that other people’s experience will inform our own. I remember distinctly the advice I got from another local small business owner when I was starting out and I was convinced at the time that my experience would be different. Same for parenting; questions answered from more experienced parents just sounded jaded; little did I know how soon my own responses would resemble theirs.
The reason that we can’t learn from other’s experience is because it is the experience itself which is the teacher. We retain less than 5% of what we are told, (lecturers take note), 10% of what we read, 30% of what we are shown, but what we teach we actually own. This of course begs the question; what is the point of education – to learn or to teach? As far as life lessons go, the answer is one and the same. Our education in life is at once student and teacher. This too is the rub, for how do we expand our capacity to imagine and re-think our life and relationships in a new way, when our personal experience is not broad enough to help us out of where we are stuck?
Learning is a two step process- discovery and mastery. We all have innate capacity for both. Keeping our capacity for discovery vital is one key to lifelong learning and the ability to make different choices with the same stimulus. Children have a penchant for discovery: that is what their days are about. Adults can lose sight of this part of the learning process as they strive for mastery in their life, which is the other half of learning. Mastery is essential; it is where our experience teaches both ourselves and others. It builds our sense of self and as adults defines our identity. But without the openness to discovery, mastery can turn into a short walk to a brick wall. In relationships it often looks like how we leave. Love demands that we continuously discover the other and our relationship over and over again.
President Obama was quoted recently on what keeps his relationship with his wife so vital. “Sometimes when we’re lying together, I look at her and I feel dizzy with the realization that here is another distinct person from me, who has memories, origins, thoughts, feelings that are different from my own. That tension between familiarity and mystery meshes something strong between us. Even if one builds a life together based on trust, attentiveness and mutual support, I think that it is important that a partner continues to surprise.” Recognizing the mystery that exists in every relationship is another way of defining a learning life.
It is true that we don’t really understand anything until we love it, which is the continuous dance between discovery and mastery in the hours we spend at what matters most to us.
There is a guy banging his head against a brick wall. When asked why he is banging his head against the brick wall, he pauses and says because “it feels so good when I stop.” It is a silly story of truth for millions. We continue to bang our heads against the same brick walls, partly because it feels good when we stop, but also because we don’t know how to do it differently. More often than not, our response to life stimulus remains the same. In order for any stimulus to really move us into a new place we have learn how to think in a new way and risk giving up the old brick wall.
In one of my favorite reads of late, Stumbling on Happiness, author Daniel Gilbert gives a thorough understanding of the way we are fooled not just by our memory of what has happened but also by our imagination when we project what will happen in the future and how we will feel about it. We humans don’t really learn from each other. Whether it is planning to have a child or starting a new business, we simply refuse to believe that other people’s experience will inform our own. I remember distinctly the advice I got from another local small business owner when I was starting out and I was convinced at the time that my experience would be different. Same for parenting; questions answered from more experienced parents just sounded jaded; little did I know how soon my own responses would resemble theirs.
The reason that we can’t learn from other’s experience is because it is the experience itself which is the teacher. We retain less than 5% of what we are told, (lecturers take note), 10% of what we read, 30% of what we are shown, but what we teach we actually own. This of course begs the question; what is the point of education – to learn or to teach? As far as life lessons go, the answer is one and the same. Our education in life is at once student and teacher. This too is the rub, for how do we expand our capacity to imagine and re-think our life and relationships in a new way, when our personal experience is not broad enough to help us out of where we are stuck?
Learning is a two step process- discovery and mastery. We all have innate capacity for both. Keeping our capacity for discovery vital is one key to lifelong learning and the ability to make different choices with the same stimulus. Children have a penchant for discovery: that is what their days are about. Adults can lose sight of this part of the learning process as they strive for mastery in their life, which is the other half of learning. Mastery is essential; it is where our experience teaches both ourselves and others. It builds our sense of self and as adults defines our identity. But without the openness to discovery, mastery can turn into a short walk to a brick wall. In relationships it often looks like how we leave. Love demands that we continuously discover the other and our relationship over and over again.
President Obama was quoted recently on what keeps his relationship with his wife so vital. “Sometimes when we’re lying together, I look at her and I feel dizzy with the realization that here is another distinct person from me, who has memories, origins, thoughts, feelings that are different from my own. That tension between familiarity and mystery meshes something strong between us. Even if one builds a life together based on trust, attentiveness and mutual support, I think that it is important that a partner continues to surprise.” Recognizing the mystery that exists in every relationship is another way of defining a learning life.
It is true that we don’t really understand anything until we love it, which is the continuous dance between discovery and mastery in the hours we spend at what matters most to us.
First Encounters,Not a Time for Fairytales by Simeon Oaks
Everyone puts on a show to impress someone at the beginning of a relationship. You meet a guy, you feel connection, and you want the connection to develop into something stronger. You don't want him losing interest in you and moving on, so you exaggerate a bit to keep him interested. Guys get that. It's only natural.
But first impressions count with guys. You shouldn't come with fine print that he's going to miss and regret later. This is a key area where women shoot themselves in the foot, and it's so unnecessary. The balance of power in the world of dating belongs to women. You hold the power of veto. You are always the one who can say, "Thanks, but no thanks." However, he might walk away if he finds out your first meeting happened behind a facade. So don't give him a reason not to trust you.
Statistics say men lie five times more often than women. (Now ask yourself, is that true, or did I just make it up?) Despite human progress and enlightened times, we're still slaves to our genes. Males are hardwired to impress women. Watch the elaborate dances some birds go through to win over a female -- puffing up their chests and using their feathers to exaggerate how big they are. Human males are no different. They're going to tell you they're richer, stronger, taller and more important than the next guy to win your affections.
The problem is that our equal opportunity world has skewed the curve somewhat. The days of women sitting back, waiting to be picked up are over. Women can now go on the offensive and pick up guys if they desire. With these turned tables, it has become more important for women to impress men.
This new need for women to be proactive when picking up guys increases the chance that you might exaggerate, or fudge certain details to land your man. Don't try to be like us, ladies. Stay true to who you are and don't let the game turn you into an ugly player.
Don't false advertise. Make yourself interesting, but please don't invent stuff. Wild exaggerations backfire for two reasons. First, he feels pretty dumb for believing you. Second, you're not the person he's looking for. He wanted the person you pretended to be, not the real you.
So don't tell him that you're up for threesomes with another girl if you don't mean it, or he's going to be mightily disappointed. Trust me, he is. Don't portray yourself as a hard-drinking, party girl who likes to play fast and loose like Samantha from Sex in the City if that's not you. No man likes to discover his sex kitten is in fact a quiet cat that likes to sleep eighteen hours a day.
The problem kicks in when the exaggerations go beyond shaving a few pounds off your usual weight and using a pushup bra. A minor exaggeration shouldn't develop into a full-blown lie and you want to avoid the Cinderella syndrome. Sure, she ended up with Prince Charming at the end, but do you really think the Prince bought the whole glass slipper-thing hook, line, and sinker? Think again.
The Prince's Version
After the clock chimes twelve and he's left holding nothing but a glass slipper, he checks in with his boys to report on the night.
"Dude, did you see the hottie I was with?"
"Yeah, man. Who is she?"
"Calls herself Cinderella. She's got a real nice ride. Doesn't go anywhere without her entourage in tow. And she sports these tiny glass slippers. Where the hell do you buy glass slippers?"
"Don't know, bro. Did you get her number?"
"Nah."
"Reeejected!"
"No way, man. She was in a rush. I did get one of her glass slippers though. She'll be back for that bad boy."
After waiting around for the three-day no-call period, the Prince figures his glass-footed beauty must've forgot where she left her shoe, so he launches a full-scale search to show off his power.
It takes him a while, but he tracks down Cinderella. Only a whole lot's changed from the night of the ball. Her carriage has turned back into a pumpkin, her entourage is a pack of rodents, and her knockout designer number is just a bunch of rags.
He knows these are just superficial things, but he can't shake the fact that she lied. If she lied about all that, what else is she hiding?
Despite what the fairytale says, Prince Charming isn't going to be as easily forgiving. The issue here is that no guy likes to be deceived. He feels stupid. And regardless of what he previously thought about you, you just turned real unattractive real fast.
Now it sounds like I'm making guys out to be angels. They aren't. Just like you, when they first encounter someone who catches their eye, they're likely to exaggerate just as much, if not more. The key difference between you and him exaggerating is that you expect it. You have a heightened sense for bullshit. Your bullshit detector is NASA quality in comparison to his.
Just remember, be yourself. I know this sounds dumb, but it's not. If you're a quiet girl, then be a quiet girl. If you're a sassy lass, then be a sassy lass. Different men will be attracted to different kinds of women. There are men out there who prefer a quiet girl as much as there are guys who dig dangerous ladies. By not being yourself, you're not only attracting guys you won't like, but you're turning off the guys who would like you for being you.
But first impressions count with guys. You shouldn't come with fine print that he's going to miss and regret later. This is a key area where women shoot themselves in the foot, and it's so unnecessary. The balance of power in the world of dating belongs to women. You hold the power of veto. You are always the one who can say, "Thanks, but no thanks." However, he might walk away if he finds out your first meeting happened behind a facade. So don't give him a reason not to trust you.
Statistics say men lie five times more often than women. (Now ask yourself, is that true, or did I just make it up?) Despite human progress and enlightened times, we're still slaves to our genes. Males are hardwired to impress women. Watch the elaborate dances some birds go through to win over a female -- puffing up their chests and using their feathers to exaggerate how big they are. Human males are no different. They're going to tell you they're richer, stronger, taller and more important than the next guy to win your affections.
The problem is that our equal opportunity world has skewed the curve somewhat. The days of women sitting back, waiting to be picked up are over. Women can now go on the offensive and pick up guys if they desire. With these turned tables, it has become more important for women to impress men.
This new need for women to be proactive when picking up guys increases the chance that you might exaggerate, or fudge certain details to land your man. Don't try to be like us, ladies. Stay true to who you are and don't let the game turn you into an ugly player.
Don't false advertise. Make yourself interesting, but please don't invent stuff. Wild exaggerations backfire for two reasons. First, he feels pretty dumb for believing you. Second, you're not the person he's looking for. He wanted the person you pretended to be, not the real you.
So don't tell him that you're up for threesomes with another girl if you don't mean it, or he's going to be mightily disappointed. Trust me, he is. Don't portray yourself as a hard-drinking, party girl who likes to play fast and loose like Samantha from Sex in the City if that's not you. No man likes to discover his sex kitten is in fact a quiet cat that likes to sleep eighteen hours a day.
The problem kicks in when the exaggerations go beyond shaving a few pounds off your usual weight and using a pushup bra. A minor exaggeration shouldn't develop into a full-blown lie and you want to avoid the Cinderella syndrome. Sure, she ended up with Prince Charming at the end, but do you really think the Prince bought the whole glass slipper-thing hook, line, and sinker? Think again.
The Prince's Version
After the clock chimes twelve and he's left holding nothing but a glass slipper, he checks in with his boys to report on the night.
"Dude, did you see the hottie I was with?"
"Yeah, man. Who is she?"
"Calls herself Cinderella. She's got a real nice ride. Doesn't go anywhere without her entourage in tow. And she sports these tiny glass slippers. Where the hell do you buy glass slippers?"
"Don't know, bro. Did you get her number?"
"Nah."
"Reeejected!"
"No way, man. She was in a rush. I did get one of her glass slippers though. She'll be back for that bad boy."
After waiting around for the three-day no-call period, the Prince figures his glass-footed beauty must've forgot where she left her shoe, so he launches a full-scale search to show off his power.
It takes him a while, but he tracks down Cinderella. Only a whole lot's changed from the night of the ball. Her carriage has turned back into a pumpkin, her entourage is a pack of rodents, and her knockout designer number is just a bunch of rags.
He knows these are just superficial things, but he can't shake the fact that she lied. If she lied about all that, what else is she hiding?
Despite what the fairytale says, Prince Charming isn't going to be as easily forgiving. The issue here is that no guy likes to be deceived. He feels stupid. And regardless of what he previously thought about you, you just turned real unattractive real fast.
Now it sounds like I'm making guys out to be angels. They aren't. Just like you, when they first encounter someone who catches their eye, they're likely to exaggerate just as much, if not more. The key difference between you and him exaggerating is that you expect it. You have a heightened sense for bullshit. Your bullshit detector is NASA quality in comparison to his.
Just remember, be yourself. I know this sounds dumb, but it's not. If you're a quiet girl, then be a quiet girl. If you're a sassy lass, then be a sassy lass. Different men will be attracted to different kinds of women. There are men out there who prefer a quiet girl as much as there are guys who dig dangerous ladies. By not being yourself, you're not only attracting guys you won't like, but you're turning off the guys who would like you for being you.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
The Simple Truth about Falling and Living In Love by Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
"We never ask the meaning of life when we are in love."
Bhagwan
We are meant to live a life of love. When we're not in love, something's the matter. Unfortunately, most of us, unaware of this, become resigned to disappointment, loss and upset in relationships. No matter how successful we are in other aspects of our lives, many do not feel entitled to the same success in love. This is considered natural as one "grows up" and gives up the fantasies, foolishness and dreams of childhood.
But nothing could be further from the truth. It is the fantasies, foolishness, and confused expectations we develop as we grow older that put us into the constricted position most describe as being an "adult" or "becoming realistic about relationships." We don't realize that when we are not in love, something very precious is missing.
Being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. It immediately dispels the sense of purposelessness and disconnection that many grapple with. The body heals, the heart is happy. As a great teacher once said, "We never ask the meaning of life when we are in love."
Being in love is our natural state. The real question we should be asking is, why aren't we in love all the time? What is it that keeps this most precious inheritance away? How can we reclaim it and return to the intrinsic wisdom and spontaneity we had as children, when each moment was fresh and exciting and filled with adventure?
Many recoil from intimacy due to fear. But contrary to popular opinion, real love never hurts or wounds. It is only our confused expectations that can undermine our lives and lead us to painful consequences. There is a Buddhist saying "Give up poisonous food wherever it is offered to you." But most of us have little idea what is poison and what is nourishing in our relationships. Once we know the difference between real and counterfeit love, once we learn the laws of love and how to practice them, we will be able to live a life of love and build relationships that cannot fail. The fact of the matter is that we can turn our lives around at any time.
First we must find a completely different way of looking at love. In this process we are asked to suspend judgment and disbelief, to be willing to become a child once again - to explore, play, hug, cry and feel that the world is filled with endless possibilities. We also need the ability to say No to all of the people, beliefs, habits and desires which can take our faith and love away. Falling in love doesn't mean being blind, or entering into fantasy. It means waking up out of darkened dreams to finally see the beauty which surrounds us. A little endurance is required, along with the willingness to face the shadows that will dispel as soon as we invite in the light.
To begin this process, let us look a little deeper at what goes on in our hearts. We all want love. Then when we get it, we become afraid and start to run in the opposite direction. On the one hand, we are searching for love, searching for some lasting relationship. On the other hand, we are relieved when the person goes away.
It always seems as if relationships are difficult-difficult to find, to keep and to enjoy. Yet the fundamental truth is that there is no inherent problem with relationships at all. There is never a scarcity of relationships; there is never a scarcity of love. What is it that really keeps us from this love we are so hungry for?
The usual answer to this question is that there are no good men or women around, or there is something fatally flawed about our partner. No matter who we meet or are with, something is wrong. In the beginning we may feel we have finally found the perfect person. Then before we know it, conflict develops, irritation grows. Joy, pleasure and excitement, the feeling of being loved and valued, fade imperceptibly. Most people have no idea why.
Let's start by looking within. So many relate to others by immediately looking for what is wrong. .No one can ever really live up to the image of the partner they had in mind. While they had high hopes in the beginning, before long they begin looking for a way out. Others know just what to do to cause their partners to leave.
When some individuals have bitter or disappointing experiences in love, they shut down, and look past every person they meet. These individuals are present in body only. As soon as someone tries to make contact, they run a million miles away.
Ultimately, from the psychological point of view, not falling in love is not so unusual. In fact, many can do very well, become quite healthy, and yet never get over their disappointments in love. They may never be able to develop satisfying, primary love relationships, but this in itself is not central. There are many ways to sublimate this need, and have other meaningful relationships, a productive work life, and experience a satisfying life.
Spiritually speaking, however, we ask is a person's very life at stake if they aren't able to truly love? The answer is Yes. Without the ability to know real love, the precious taste of this life is thwarted, and a person may be doomed to living her days as a "Hungry Ghost."
All of us have the hungry ghosts within us at times. But we can change this at any moment. To begin, all we need do is be willing to allow ourselves to look for and find that which is beautiful and worthwhile in everyone, (including ourselves).
During this holiday season, let's give it a try. It only takes a moment to do so, but the happiness lasts all day long.
Bhagwan
We are meant to live a life of love. When we're not in love, something's the matter. Unfortunately, most of us, unaware of this, become resigned to disappointment, loss and upset in relationships. No matter how successful we are in other aspects of our lives, many do not feel entitled to the same success in love. This is considered natural as one "grows up" and gives up the fantasies, foolishness and dreams of childhood.
But nothing could be further from the truth. It is the fantasies, foolishness, and confused expectations we develop as we grow older that put us into the constricted position most describe as being an "adult" or "becoming realistic about relationships." We don't realize that when we are not in love, something very precious is missing.
Being in love is the most mature and realistic thing you can do. It energizes your life, fills you with positivity, creates generosity and makes every moment beautiful. It immediately dispels the sense of purposelessness and disconnection that many grapple with. The body heals, the heart is happy. As a great teacher once said, "We never ask the meaning of life when we are in love."
Being in love is our natural state. The real question we should be asking is, why aren't we in love all the time? What is it that keeps this most precious inheritance away? How can we reclaim it and return to the intrinsic wisdom and spontaneity we had as children, when each moment was fresh and exciting and filled with adventure?
Many recoil from intimacy due to fear. But contrary to popular opinion, real love never hurts or wounds. It is only our confused expectations that can undermine our lives and lead us to painful consequences. There is a Buddhist saying "Give up poisonous food wherever it is offered to you." But most of us have little idea what is poison and what is nourishing in our relationships. Once we know the difference between real and counterfeit love, once we learn the laws of love and how to practice them, we will be able to live a life of love and build relationships that cannot fail. The fact of the matter is that we can turn our lives around at any time.
First we must find a completely different way of looking at love. In this process we are asked to suspend judgment and disbelief, to be willing to become a child once again - to explore, play, hug, cry and feel that the world is filled with endless possibilities. We also need the ability to say No to all of the people, beliefs, habits and desires which can take our faith and love away. Falling in love doesn't mean being blind, or entering into fantasy. It means waking up out of darkened dreams to finally see the beauty which surrounds us. A little endurance is required, along with the willingness to face the shadows that will dispel as soon as we invite in the light.
To begin this process, let us look a little deeper at what goes on in our hearts. We all want love. Then when we get it, we become afraid and start to run in the opposite direction. On the one hand, we are searching for love, searching for some lasting relationship. On the other hand, we are relieved when the person goes away.
It always seems as if relationships are difficult-difficult to find, to keep and to enjoy. Yet the fundamental truth is that there is no inherent problem with relationships at all. There is never a scarcity of relationships; there is never a scarcity of love. What is it that really keeps us from this love we are so hungry for?
The usual answer to this question is that there are no good men or women around, or there is something fatally flawed about our partner. No matter who we meet or are with, something is wrong. In the beginning we may feel we have finally found the perfect person. Then before we know it, conflict develops, irritation grows. Joy, pleasure and excitement, the feeling of being loved and valued, fade imperceptibly. Most people have no idea why.
Let's start by looking within. So many relate to others by immediately looking for what is wrong. .No one can ever really live up to the image of the partner they had in mind. While they had high hopes in the beginning, before long they begin looking for a way out. Others know just what to do to cause their partners to leave.
When some individuals have bitter or disappointing experiences in love, they shut down, and look past every person they meet. These individuals are present in body only. As soon as someone tries to make contact, they run a million miles away.
Ultimately, from the psychological point of view, not falling in love is not so unusual. In fact, many can do very well, become quite healthy, and yet never get over their disappointments in love. They may never be able to develop satisfying, primary love relationships, but this in itself is not central. There are many ways to sublimate this need, and have other meaningful relationships, a productive work life, and experience a satisfying life.
Spiritually speaking, however, we ask is a person's very life at stake if they aren't able to truly love? The answer is Yes. Without the ability to know real love, the precious taste of this life is thwarted, and a person may be doomed to living her days as a "Hungry Ghost."
All of us have the hungry ghosts within us at times. But we can change this at any moment. To begin, all we need do is be willing to allow ourselves to look for and find that which is beautiful and worthwhile in everyone, (including ourselves).
During this holiday season, let's give it a try. It only takes a moment to do so, but the happiness lasts all day long.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Why Do Women Love Men? by Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Hey Doc,
I have a question: why are women attracted to men (and not to each other)?
I know what attracts me to women, women are beautiful and soft but I wonder what’s in women's brains that make them see men as more attractive than women? I can’t imagine my self kissing another man but why do women see it as enjoyable?
I asked this question to few girls before and they don't seem to know the answer.
Can you explain this? Thanks!
==============================
Hello!
Some of the questions I get are more of the same and I answer them. Some of them (like yours) are excellent and I can hardly wait to get to them. Thanks!
Yes, this is a great question. Let me see if I can shed some light on this.
There are many things to admire about women: their looks, the softness of their skin and bodies, their smell, their hair and their nurturing, giving qualities. We both agree on all of these.
Most women however see these things not as sexual attractiveness, but as weakness. Therein lies your answer.
There's a lot of evolutionary sociology behind all of this and I'll try not to bore you with much science, but consider this: you evolved to admire primarily sexual characteristics of women; things that make her look young, healthy and vibrant primarily because these are the types of characteristics that produce healthy offspring able to reproduce. Characteristics that produce unhealthy offspring died off with them because they weren't around to reproduce!
Women did the same thing, but in a different way, with a different motivation.
Women; being burdened with doing most of the child raising had to naturally look for others to protect them, help them gather food and help them raise their young. They too want offspring that will be healthy and to survive into sexual adulthood.
In effect, this means strength and power. Those are the most attractive qualities that women see in men. You see, just as you want healthy offspring, so do women, but we go about creating them from different motivations.
Now, just as some men prefer brunettes and some prefer blonds, women have physical and emotional choices too, but they define "attractiveness" differently than you do based on this programming.
To a woman, the thought of being with a powerful man creates security and safety. Women need this security in order to feel love - and loved by the way. Part of this is sexual attraction too.
Women are motivated by their own genes to find men who can produce strong healthy children as sexually attractive. Aspects like kissing, cuddling, having sex, etc., are all things that build positive physical and emotional sensations in us because we are pre-wired that way. Women get emotional, physical and sexual arousal from those things that they equate with basic sexual characteristics - just like we guys do. The difference is that we need different things.
You run into some confusion here however. How come women simply don't go for the biggest, brutish types of men they can find? Simple: these guys also consume the most resources! (There are some other reasons behind this too but again, it gets pretty complicated pretty quickly!)
Women view other things as "powerful" too: someone with attitude, someone with confidence, high-income earners, intelligence, men with social status, etc. These are guys that CREATE the greatest resources. Today, it's fundamentally within the home and the culture. With our ancestors, it was the guys that went out on the hunt to bring back protein for the family at great personal risk to themselves. By the way consider that a group of individuals - even if they are all women - are "strong" too. This is why women also developed much keener communication and social skills than men did. By creating a community, women were able to provide better for their own offspring. Of course they also competed together for limited resources - food, shelter, protection - and men.
This explains why so many women can be catty towards each other too. It comes from a basis of competition with each other.
Now, these things are highly over-simplified, but if you consider them, you'll get a very good idea not only of what women are looking for in men, but why they find someone you don't think is attractive, so appealing.
Best regards...
I have a question: why are women attracted to men (and not to each other)?
I know what attracts me to women, women are beautiful and soft but I wonder what’s in women's brains that make them see men as more attractive than women? I can’t imagine my self kissing another man but why do women see it as enjoyable?
I asked this question to few girls before and they don't seem to know the answer.
Can you explain this? Thanks!
==============================
Hello!
Some of the questions I get are more of the same and I answer them. Some of them (like yours) are excellent and I can hardly wait to get to them. Thanks!
Yes, this is a great question. Let me see if I can shed some light on this.
There are many things to admire about women: their looks, the softness of their skin and bodies, their smell, their hair and their nurturing, giving qualities. We both agree on all of these.
Most women however see these things not as sexual attractiveness, but as weakness. Therein lies your answer.
There's a lot of evolutionary sociology behind all of this and I'll try not to bore you with much science, but consider this: you evolved to admire primarily sexual characteristics of women; things that make her look young, healthy and vibrant primarily because these are the types of characteristics that produce healthy offspring able to reproduce. Characteristics that produce unhealthy offspring died off with them because they weren't around to reproduce!
Women did the same thing, but in a different way, with a different motivation.
Women; being burdened with doing most of the child raising had to naturally look for others to protect them, help them gather food and help them raise their young. They too want offspring that will be healthy and to survive into sexual adulthood.
In effect, this means strength and power. Those are the most attractive qualities that women see in men. You see, just as you want healthy offspring, so do women, but we go about creating them from different motivations.
Now, just as some men prefer brunettes and some prefer blonds, women have physical and emotional choices too, but they define "attractiveness" differently than you do based on this programming.
To a woman, the thought of being with a powerful man creates security and safety. Women need this security in order to feel love - and loved by the way. Part of this is sexual attraction too.
Women are motivated by their own genes to find men who can produce strong healthy children as sexually attractive. Aspects like kissing, cuddling, having sex, etc., are all things that build positive physical and emotional sensations in us because we are pre-wired that way. Women get emotional, physical and sexual arousal from those things that they equate with basic sexual characteristics - just like we guys do. The difference is that we need different things.
You run into some confusion here however. How come women simply don't go for the biggest, brutish types of men they can find? Simple: these guys also consume the most resources! (There are some other reasons behind this too but again, it gets pretty complicated pretty quickly!)
Women view other things as "powerful" too: someone with attitude, someone with confidence, high-income earners, intelligence, men with social status, etc. These are guys that CREATE the greatest resources. Today, it's fundamentally within the home and the culture. With our ancestors, it was the guys that went out on the hunt to bring back protein for the family at great personal risk to themselves. By the way consider that a group of individuals - even if they are all women - are "strong" too. This is why women also developed much keener communication and social skills than men did. By creating a community, women were able to provide better for their own offspring. Of course they also competed together for limited resources - food, shelter, protection - and men.
This explains why so many women can be catty towards each other too. It comes from a basis of competition with each other.
Now, these things are highly over-simplified, but if you consider them, you'll get a very good idea not only of what women are looking for in men, but why they find someone you don't think is attractive, so appealing.
Best regards...
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