Abandonment
The ongoing fear that people will leave is at the root of this emotional style. These people may fear that if they rock the boat in the smallest way, the ones they love will leave. Or, they may adapt by running away from a relationship before they can be hurt.
If this emotional style applies to you, it's important to learn that you won't fall apart if someone leaves you. Be aware of the fear that any kind of abandonment stirs up — hypersensitivity to separation, dread of being isolated. Mindfulness can help track this emotional style and prevent it from ruling your life.
Entitlement
People with this emotional style feel that rules don't apply to them. They may have been spoiled as a child, or the love they received was based on a certain quality — looks, academics, athletic skills. These people often exaggerate their prowess, usually to hide a feeling of inadequacy, or feel they are entitled to more than their fair share of compensation. They also display a lack of self-discipline, and the inability to delay gratification.
If your emotional style is entitlement, try to be aware of the negative impact your actions have on the people around you. Mindfulness can help you learn to catch yourself before you overstep appropriate limits, and connect with your deeper feelings so you can deal with them directly.
Subjugation
This emotional style revolves around the feeling that your own needs never take priority in an intimate relationship. These people give in easily, but their hidden resentment can smolder into anger and rage. Some will overreact at the least sign of being controlled, while others are unable to make even a simple commitment.
If this describes you, get in touch with your resentment, so that you can begin to assert your wishes and needs effectively. Being mindful will help you track your automatic reactions — the anger or thoughts that are primed by the fear that you will be controlled
Exclusion
Finding yourself on the outside of things often leads to this emotional style. The perceived message is, "You're not like us." This feeling typically causes a person to stay on the edge of the action, reinforcing the feeling of exclusion. This may lead avoidance of groups in adulthood, or conversely, cause someone to revel in their outcast role.
If you feel excluded, learn to feel and challenge your fears by making efforts to initiate conversations, and learning to master your anxiety. Mindfulness will help you step back from thoughts that make you uncomfortable.
Mistrust
Suspiciousness and a quick temper are typical of this emotional style. Often the mistrust stems from having been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused. People of this style tend to gravitate to relationships in which their worst fears are confirmed, getting involved with people who treat them badly.
If this describes you, you may want to work with a therapist specializing in clients who have been abused. Treatment may involve revisiting your memories and expressing your anger, which is an essential emotional step. Mindfulness can help you become aware of your tendency to assume betrayal, and help you challenge those thoughts.
Failure
A typical feeling in this emotional style is being deficient despite one's accomplishments. This can lead people to push themselves extremely hard, despite the constant fear of failure. Some fall prey to the imposter phenomenon — you succeed, but secretly feel you're a fraud and will be found out. Others discover that believing they will fail becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
If you see yourself in this emotional style, learn to more accurately assess your talents and abilities, as well as accept that your accomplishments are truly deserved. Being mindful will help you identify and challenge your internal negative thoughts.
Unlovability
The automatic assumption that "I'm not lovable" typifies this emotional style. Shame and humiliation, along with a feeling of being flawed, are this style's prominent emotions. Two patterns are seen in people who feel unlovable. Some give in to their deep feeling of unworthiness, while others hide behind arrogance, seeking public recognition and adulation.
People with this emotional style may find it hard to be genuine in a relationship. One thing you can do is challenge the thoughts that amplify your flaws. Mindfulness will help you learn to feel confident that those close to you know and love you as you are, and you will begin to heal.
Perfectionism
People with this emotional style unrelentingly hold themselves to the highest standards. No matter how well they do, it's never good enough, so they drive themselves until the rest of their life suffers. This emotional style drives people to push themselves in sports, at school, in physical appearance, or for social status.
If this emotional style applies to you, realize that lowering your standards will be a relief. You will have time and energy to have your other needs met, including the need for downtime. Being mindful will help you examine and challenge the self-criticism.
Deprivation
At the heart of this emotional style is the belief, "My needs won't be met." No matter how much is given to people of this style, it never feels like enough. Some people overindulge in an attempt to nurture themselves, while others become the caretaker they never had, and may gravitate to careers in which they help others, like social work or nursing.
If your emotional style is deprivation, examine how your need to be nurtured affects your relationships. You should become aware of a tendency to distort your interpretation of the actions of others. People might enjoy your company without wanting anything more. Mindfulness will help you begin to communicate your needs more clearly, and to seek more emotionally available partners.
Vulnerability
The key element of this emotional style is an exaggerated fear that something terrible is about to happen. This can lead to thriftiness to the point of denying yourself pleasure, or embracing some health fad to ward of disease. At its extreme, it takes the form of a phobia, like fear of flying. Some people react by constantly seeking reassurance, while others overcompensate by taking risks.
People with this emotional style can win emotional freedom by mindfully monitoring their thoughts, rather than letting them dictate their behavior. Meditation can also help calm your mind
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
An illicit affair gone awry By Chinyere Fred-Adegbulugbe
Ekene met Kenneth when she was still a student in one of the universities in the South West.
His niece who was her friend and school mate took her to his office one day and when she was leaving they exchanged phone numbers.
Obviously the so-called niece was not much in love with Kenneth‘s wife because as Ekene‘ recalled, she encouraged her friend to date her uncle. She said, ”She kept telling me that her uncle was a very generous man who would take care of me and that his wife would not dare do anything. That was how I started dating Kenneth who then was a production manager in a manufacturing company. And true to my friend‘s words, he really took care of me. I wondered if he ever spent any time or affection on his wife because he was all over me.
”Many weekends he would leave Lagos and come and spend weekend with me while I was still a student. I would leave my hostel to spend nights with him in a hotel whenever he was in town. Anytime I needed money, I would tell him and he would send it to my account without any hassles.
”The relationship continued even after I left school. I was like his wife as he was even spending more time with me than he spent on his wife and children. After about two years of dating him, I got pregnant and though he wanted me to abort the baby I insisted I wanted to have it. I didn‘t want to be a second wife, and he didn‘t even propose but because I had tasted the good life I felt having a child for me would ensure that he perpetually catered for my needs. And to be fair to him, he was very caring throughout the time the pregnancy lasted and I was better taken care of than many of my friends who were legally married. I guess at a point his wife realised he was having extramarital affairs but couldn‘t do anything about it. After 18 months, I had another child for him, making it two boys and with that, I assumed that my relationship with him was sealed.
“Therefore I was surprised when after my second son‘s first birthday he started behaving funny. He would hardly visit me and the children. And each time I offered to visit him, he would come up with one excuse or the other. It is almost two years now and even though we speak on phone once in a while and he sends money for his children‘s upkeep, I haven‘t set my eyes on him. Anytime I complained, he would remind me that he was a married man (as if he didn‘t know that when he was carrying on with me). Now I don‘t really know what to do because it is obvious he is not interested in me again. But how do I cope because I don‘t really have a good job, have never made enough efforts to get one because he had always been taking care of my bills.”
As she later said, right now, her friends are advising her to meet the wife and let her know what has been going on for the past five years.
Ekene‘s story can be said to be very typical. But then it is very unfortunate that many women continue to allow themselves to be used by randy men who have proved incapable of controlling the contents of the trousers.
Many of these married men who date other women don‘t do it because they no longer love their wives (even though sometimes they tell lies to their mistresses about how they could no longer get it up with their wives and those women believe). You see the majority of these men simply believe they are just having fun and displaying their big boy status by engaging in extra-marital affairs. And no thanks to our culture which over the years have continued to condole excesses from men, they do get away with such destructive habits
But having said that, I also think it is high time women and girls began to reap whatever they have sown without much whining. Many of the women in Ekene‘s shoes didn‘t go into adulterous relationships because they love the men (there can be exceptions though but it is still not right). More often than not, it has been a case of a woman seeing the man as a meal or social ticket. They get involved with married men knowing full well the possible consequences of their actions, that they could eventually break the men‘s homes. But do they usually care? No way, they are only interested in what they can get and too bad if the man‘s marriage is destroyed in the process.
Now Ekene is crying foul because her lover boy has probably come to his senses and realised that his wife didn‘t deserve his infidelity. The question I usually ask women like Ekene is how they would react if they were in their lover‘s wife‘s shoes. Of course they won‘t take it, yet, they inflict such pains on other women and expect things to continue to be rosy. What an irony.
But it suffices to say here that since her illicit affair with her lover have produced two children already (without his wife‘s knowledge) the man is bound by moral and legal obligation to take care of those children. But to expect him to abandon his wife yet again in order to make her happy, would definitely be asking for too much. And for what is worth, telling his wife won‘t really achieve much. Even if the woman gets angry and leaves her marriage, be sure that it won‘t bring her former lover running to her.
His niece who was her friend and school mate took her to his office one day and when she was leaving they exchanged phone numbers.
Obviously the so-called niece was not much in love with Kenneth‘s wife because as Ekene‘ recalled, she encouraged her friend to date her uncle. She said, ”She kept telling me that her uncle was a very generous man who would take care of me and that his wife would not dare do anything. That was how I started dating Kenneth who then was a production manager in a manufacturing company. And true to my friend‘s words, he really took care of me. I wondered if he ever spent any time or affection on his wife because he was all over me.
”Many weekends he would leave Lagos and come and spend weekend with me while I was still a student. I would leave my hostel to spend nights with him in a hotel whenever he was in town. Anytime I needed money, I would tell him and he would send it to my account without any hassles.
”The relationship continued even after I left school. I was like his wife as he was even spending more time with me than he spent on his wife and children. After about two years of dating him, I got pregnant and though he wanted me to abort the baby I insisted I wanted to have it. I didn‘t want to be a second wife, and he didn‘t even propose but because I had tasted the good life I felt having a child for me would ensure that he perpetually catered for my needs. And to be fair to him, he was very caring throughout the time the pregnancy lasted and I was better taken care of than many of my friends who were legally married. I guess at a point his wife realised he was having extramarital affairs but couldn‘t do anything about it. After 18 months, I had another child for him, making it two boys and with that, I assumed that my relationship with him was sealed.
“Therefore I was surprised when after my second son‘s first birthday he started behaving funny. He would hardly visit me and the children. And each time I offered to visit him, he would come up with one excuse or the other. It is almost two years now and even though we speak on phone once in a while and he sends money for his children‘s upkeep, I haven‘t set my eyes on him. Anytime I complained, he would remind me that he was a married man (as if he didn‘t know that when he was carrying on with me). Now I don‘t really know what to do because it is obvious he is not interested in me again. But how do I cope because I don‘t really have a good job, have never made enough efforts to get one because he had always been taking care of my bills.”
As she later said, right now, her friends are advising her to meet the wife and let her know what has been going on for the past five years.
Ekene‘s story can be said to be very typical. But then it is very unfortunate that many women continue to allow themselves to be used by randy men who have proved incapable of controlling the contents of the trousers.
Many of these married men who date other women don‘t do it because they no longer love their wives (even though sometimes they tell lies to their mistresses about how they could no longer get it up with their wives and those women believe). You see the majority of these men simply believe they are just having fun and displaying their big boy status by engaging in extra-marital affairs. And no thanks to our culture which over the years have continued to condole excesses from men, they do get away with such destructive habits
But having said that, I also think it is high time women and girls began to reap whatever they have sown without much whining. Many of the women in Ekene‘s shoes didn‘t go into adulterous relationships because they love the men (there can be exceptions though but it is still not right). More often than not, it has been a case of a woman seeing the man as a meal or social ticket. They get involved with married men knowing full well the possible consequences of their actions, that they could eventually break the men‘s homes. But do they usually care? No way, they are only interested in what they can get and too bad if the man‘s marriage is destroyed in the process.
Now Ekene is crying foul because her lover boy has probably come to his senses and realised that his wife didn‘t deserve his infidelity. The question I usually ask women like Ekene is how they would react if they were in their lover‘s wife‘s shoes. Of course they won‘t take it, yet, they inflict such pains on other women and expect things to continue to be rosy. What an irony.
But it suffices to say here that since her illicit affair with her lover have produced two children already (without his wife‘s knowledge) the man is bound by moral and legal obligation to take care of those children. But to expect him to abandon his wife yet again in order to make her happy, would definitely be asking for too much. And for what is worth, telling his wife won‘t really achieve much. Even if the woman gets angry and leaves her marriage, be sure that it won‘t bring her former lover running to her.
What makes women feel loved? By GIDEON OPARINDE
Some people wonder whether there is anything more pleasurable than a world of opulence, in which all the good things of life are at one’s beck and call. But in reality, does money answer all questions in the home? When it comes to matters of the home and, perhaps, the heart, women have proved to know where the shoe pinches. But what exactly would make them feel loved aside money?
MRS ONUNYERE RUTH
There are various ways a woman can feel loved. For instance, women love husbands who appreciate them when they prepare a good meal. Wives also love husbands who correct them with love; but should not be done in the presence of his in-laws, her in-laws or before the children.
Also, the husband should endeavour to send love text messages to his wife. This would assure her that there is someone there for her, who thinks well of her at all times. Husbands should be of help to their wives, especially if she is sick or when she returns tired from work. This gives the wife a sense of belonging and that she is still part of the family.
Lastly, the wife needs attention whenever she is trying to communicate or discuss vital issues with the husband. Women don’t like being shunned or ignored.
SENAMI OKOOSI
A woman needs love, tender care, attention and closeness in order to feel loved.
GRACE AMEH
A woman feels loved when she is given genuine attention and care. The man must accept us the way we are. If there must be complaint, it should be done with love. Men should not compare their wives with other women and should be willing to show adequate commitment. An important aspect is that infidelity should never set in. He should not give me reasons to doubt him. There must be mutual understanding. As my pastor would say, “marry your friend, who you can be free with and open to.”
MRS TEMITOPE OKOOSI
For a woman to feel loved, she needs to be appreciated whenever she does what is right. When a man snubs a woman, it is as bad as making her sad for the rest of her life. So no matter what a woman does in the home, she should be appreciated. She will cherish this more than any other gift.
OMOWUMI FALOLA
Every woman needs attention, to be appreciated and adored. Wives love husbands who communicate regularly. For instance, text messages are an assurance that she still holds a special place in her husband’s heart.
When women are not shown enough love, negative thoughts creep in, and can be the beginning of sorrow for them. No woman wants to be isolated. Sex alone is not what makes a woman feel she is loved. There is more to it than sex or romance. Women believe in what they are told. So when a man tells his wife sweet words, she is always happy.
AWI FUNKE
A woman feels loved when the husband shows concern, care and corrects her with love. My husband should accept me the way I am because no one is perfect. We are all human beings and as long as we remain at the flesh, we are bound to make mistakes. He should be able to show more commitment in the home and be nice during my birthday, our wedding anniversary through gifts.
MRS CHRISTIANA JAMES
Men, sometime, think sex is the only way to make your wife feel loved. On the contrary, some men are wicked in the area of care. They have sex with their wife only because they want children, after which they leave the woman dejected and frustrated. Very few men really care for their wives while a few others fall below average in the ratings. When men don’t care as they should, it indirectly pushes the woman to begin to look outside their marriage.
IDOWU BUKKY
Women feel loved when their opinions are appreciated, accepted and implemented. Wives like to be given freedom of expression while the husband, in turn, gives his rightful support.
ADEYEMI OPEYEMI
Despite his tight schedule, if a man sends romantic text message to his wife during the day, the woman will feel loved just the way she will feel if he is proud enough to kiss her in public. Women feel loved when they are appreciated by their husband in whatever they do.
MRS AUGUSTINA BIEM
As love is the bedrock of every successful marriage, so is every man the architect of either the success or failure in marriage. Men, as we know, are our motivators. But when this is not the case, we feel disappointed. Without encouragement from the husband, a woman cannot do much. Some men do not appreciate their wife’s meal or the time spent in the kitchen. Some do not value the stress it took the wife to go to the market to get foodstuff for the house. The worst is that some men see nothing painful in giving birth. When a woman lives under the same roof with a man legally married, he has the responsibility of making her happy. That was why her parents handed her over to you, with the belief that you will take up the mantle from where they stopped. But many wives today are not happily married. Some have died suddenly from high blood pressure and heart failure due to lack of happiness.
FADAHUNSI DAMMY
Husbands should make sure they live up to expectation in the home. He should be able to defend the wife/family and meet the daily challenges. He should speak good and sweet words that would encourage her at all times. The husband should lift her spirit when she is going through any odd experience, whether psychological, emotional and otherwise. Once in a while, the man should endeavour to take his wife out, especially at weekends.
ABIKE RACHAEL
The man should not concentrate on the weaknesses of the wife. If there is something to be corrected, it should be done with love. There should be understanding in whatever we do as the family.
Post your comments here - http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=7971&uid=90462444736
MRS ONUNYERE RUTH
There are various ways a woman can feel loved. For instance, women love husbands who appreciate them when they prepare a good meal. Wives also love husbands who correct them with love; but should not be done in the presence of his in-laws, her in-laws or before the children.
Also, the husband should endeavour to send love text messages to his wife. This would assure her that there is someone there for her, who thinks well of her at all times. Husbands should be of help to their wives, especially if she is sick or when she returns tired from work. This gives the wife a sense of belonging and that she is still part of the family.
Lastly, the wife needs attention whenever she is trying to communicate or discuss vital issues with the husband. Women don’t like being shunned or ignored.
SENAMI OKOOSI
A woman needs love, tender care, attention and closeness in order to feel loved.
GRACE AMEH
A woman feels loved when she is given genuine attention and care. The man must accept us the way we are. If there must be complaint, it should be done with love. Men should not compare their wives with other women and should be willing to show adequate commitment. An important aspect is that infidelity should never set in. He should not give me reasons to doubt him. There must be mutual understanding. As my pastor would say, “marry your friend, who you can be free with and open to.”
MRS TEMITOPE OKOOSI
For a woman to feel loved, she needs to be appreciated whenever she does what is right. When a man snubs a woman, it is as bad as making her sad for the rest of her life. So no matter what a woman does in the home, she should be appreciated. She will cherish this more than any other gift.
OMOWUMI FALOLA
Every woman needs attention, to be appreciated and adored. Wives love husbands who communicate regularly. For instance, text messages are an assurance that she still holds a special place in her husband’s heart.
When women are not shown enough love, negative thoughts creep in, and can be the beginning of sorrow for them. No woman wants to be isolated. Sex alone is not what makes a woman feel she is loved. There is more to it than sex or romance. Women believe in what they are told. So when a man tells his wife sweet words, she is always happy.
AWI FUNKE
A woman feels loved when the husband shows concern, care and corrects her with love. My husband should accept me the way I am because no one is perfect. We are all human beings and as long as we remain at the flesh, we are bound to make mistakes. He should be able to show more commitment in the home and be nice during my birthday, our wedding anniversary through gifts.
MRS CHRISTIANA JAMES
Men, sometime, think sex is the only way to make your wife feel loved. On the contrary, some men are wicked in the area of care. They have sex with their wife only because they want children, after which they leave the woman dejected and frustrated. Very few men really care for their wives while a few others fall below average in the ratings. When men don’t care as they should, it indirectly pushes the woman to begin to look outside their marriage.
IDOWU BUKKY
Women feel loved when their opinions are appreciated, accepted and implemented. Wives like to be given freedom of expression while the husband, in turn, gives his rightful support.
ADEYEMI OPEYEMI
Despite his tight schedule, if a man sends romantic text message to his wife during the day, the woman will feel loved just the way she will feel if he is proud enough to kiss her in public. Women feel loved when they are appreciated by their husband in whatever they do.
MRS AUGUSTINA BIEM
As love is the bedrock of every successful marriage, so is every man the architect of either the success or failure in marriage. Men, as we know, are our motivators. But when this is not the case, we feel disappointed. Without encouragement from the husband, a woman cannot do much. Some men do not appreciate their wife’s meal or the time spent in the kitchen. Some do not value the stress it took the wife to go to the market to get foodstuff for the house. The worst is that some men see nothing painful in giving birth. When a woman lives under the same roof with a man legally married, he has the responsibility of making her happy. That was why her parents handed her over to you, with the belief that you will take up the mantle from where they stopped. But many wives today are not happily married. Some have died suddenly from high blood pressure and heart failure due to lack of happiness.
FADAHUNSI DAMMY
Husbands should make sure they live up to expectation in the home. He should be able to defend the wife/family and meet the daily challenges. He should speak good and sweet words that would encourage her at all times. The husband should lift her spirit when she is going through any odd experience, whether psychological, emotional and otherwise. Once in a while, the man should endeavour to take his wife out, especially at weekends.
ABIKE RACHAEL
The man should not concentrate on the weaknesses of the wife. If there is something to be corrected, it should be done with love. There should be understanding in whatever we do as the family.
Post your comments here - http://www.facebook.com/topic.php?topic=7971&uid=90462444736
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)