It’s always easy to find reasons to avoid sex: you’re exhausted, not in the mood. There are a thousand things running through your head that merely thinking about it drains the life out of you; or you just don’t feel sexy anymore. Having sex is simply out of the question to a lot of women who is recovering from childbirth, dealing with hormonal imbalances, or fighting with a spouse. Is there a way to ignite passion amidst the stresses of everyday life? Can one stay sexually connected during unsexy times? Simple arguments and misunderstandings can make one lose interest in making love.
However, it is crucial to sustain a couple’s sex life. When a couple makes love after an argument, both are easily pacified, thus, there is less damage to the relationship. Body language that says I’m sorry (such as an imploring look, a smile or even a tender touch) should not be ignored. Humour and laughter is a potent aphrodisiac—tickle each other while kissing or play-wrestle your spouse. It may feel awkward getting sexually connected after a fight, especially when you start to mentally go over the problem. Just take a deep breath and enjoy the moment—save the discussion for later.
Giving birth is no easy feat, but what ensues after childbirth is even more challenging. Taking care of a baby round the clock is exhausting physically and emotionally, so when you hit the bed, all you want to do is sleep. Many women also say that their libido is very low at this time and that they don’t feel sexually connected at all. Physiologically speaking, this is totally normal. A woman’s estrogen levels are extremely low after childbirth, and there is an increase in prolactin, which causes a decrease in the production of lubrication that makes sexual intercourse comfortable. Every woman heals differently; some resume sex after six weeks post birth, while others may take up to a year before their sex life goes back to normal.
A lot of couples complain that there isn’t enough time for each other during this adjustment phase of having a baby in the family. It is important for both partners to talk about their feelings—a husband may feel rejected if the woman isn’t up to having sex, so it’s important for her to explain the physical discomfort or anxieties that may hold her back. Hugs and kisses can do a lot to express love and affection, as well as back massages. After all, being intimate doesn’t always spell s-e-x. Perimenopausal or menopausal symptoms – hot flashes, weight gain, difficulty sleeping, short-term memory loss and decreased sex drive—can make a woman kiss her sex life goodbye.
On the upside, this can be a liberating time for a woman, because the danger of getting pregnant without birth control is suddenly eliminated. It is very important to be honest with one’s husband—warn him that there will be good days, and there will be days when he won’t be getting any. Make him understand that it’s not about him, and shouldn’t take it personally when you’re not in the mood. Vaginal dryness can cause painful sex, but there are water-based lubricants such as KY Jelly, as well as vaginal estrogen therapy or hormone replacement therapy if needed. Exercise was also found to be directly related to ease of arousal.
Perimenopausal women who were effortlessly aroused also exercised regularly as they aged. Contrary to popular belief, men aren’t always “ready to go”. A man’s robust libido may decline due to a number of reasons. This decline in his desire shouldn’t be taken personally and treated as a crisis. Talk about it but in a non-accusatory tone. He may not even be aware of it—a check-up should confirm if there is a thyroid problem, low testosterone level or increased prolactin (hormone that contributes to sexual dysfunction).
Friday, March 27, 2009
27 Things Every Woman Should Know to Have Better Sex
Lock on the bedroom door? Check. Lustful twinkle in your eye? Check. The must-haves for better sex are pretty simple. The must-knows are right here. Read on for the bedroom wisdom you can't live without.
1. Every woman has a surefire happy-making position — find yours.
By all means, try new things, mix it up, find an alternate use for your baby's exersaucer when she's asleep if it adds to the variety — but figure out your no-fail move or position so you know you can always have an orgasm when you need one.
2. That position may change.
Maybe in your misspent youth you were all about acrobatics and funky props, but now you strive for a deep connection with your guy. (Or maybe it's the other way around!) What you crave, both physically and emotionally, can shift over time, says Mary Jane Minkin, M.D., a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Yale School of Medicine. Pay attention to what you're feeling (or not feeling) and adapt to your new normal.
3. He doesn't have a flaw-o-meter.
That would be you scanning your body for an errant pudge or a dimple in the wrong place. "During sexual arousal, men are experiencing such a neurochemical cocktail rush, they're really just caught up in the intoxication of it all," says REDBOOK Love Network expert and sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First. In other words, he's too overwhelmed with joy to notice your "flaws." Put aside your body angst and you'll soon be having as much fun as he is.
4. Sex in a soft, clean, comfy bed is underrated.
You're supposed to want to do it on the kitchen floor, in the airplane bathroom, and hanging from your light fixtures. Bah! There's no shame in enjoying your good sheets.
5. Sex clichés are clichés for a reason: They work.
Get a hotel room. Have date night. Take a bubble bath. For God's sake, buy some scented candles already!
6. Everyone else is not having more (or better) sex than you are.
There is no "normal" amount we should all aspire to, no magic number of times per month that signifies your relationship is hunky-dory. There's only one question you need to answer: Are you having enough sex for you?
7. Asking for what you want is worth the embarrassment.
What's a brief awkward moment of sounding like one of those women at the end of a 900 number compared to, well, getting what you need?
8. You need transition time into sex.
Look at all the people who want a piece of you — your kid, your client, the guy who's supposed to be renovating your kitchen. So don't expect to make the leap from corporate exec or general contractor or mommy-on-the-spot to sex goddess without a little time to reassemble yourself. When you're done with the dinner dishes, take a shower — alone! — or read a book. Better yet, get your guy to do the dishes. After that, you might want to give him some action, after all.
9. The more sex you have, the more you want.
It's simple: Delicious recent memories make you want to reenact the fun. But the reverse is also often true — if you go too long without, you forget how much you like it.
10. Masturbating isn't just for dry spells.
First of all, it's plain fun, and second, when was the last time you disappointed yourself? Not to mention the fact that more frequent orgasms will keep you craving partner play, too (see above).
11. Worrying about your orgasm is the best way to chase it away.
When your mind is roiling, It's not happening ... concentrate ... he'll think he failed ... what's wrong with me? you're thinking, not feeling. Focus on the lovely physical sensations instead and soon you won't be able to think straight — in a good way.
12. Planned sex can be even better than spontaneous sex.
Anticipation as foreplay. Think about it.
13. Yes, you can give him a hand.
Touching yourself to speed up your happy ending is not only allowed, it's appreciated, especially when your guy has had his neck in an awkward position for the better part of an hour.
14. He doesn't need you to know any fancy techniques.
"There are many paths to male orgasm," says Kerner. As long as you pay attention to his reactions, refrain from inflicting pain (unless invited to) and don't do anything involving teeth (again, unless he asks), you won't hear any complaints.
15. Sometimes what your body lusts for most is sleep.
An "off" night or a dry spell doesn't mean your relationship is tanking. It usually means you have children or a demanding job or you need to be alone in your head. Go ahead, take the night off.
16. But sometimes "Just do it" really does work.
If you wait to be struck with a spontaneous urge to tear his clothes off, you may be waiting a very long time. But if you simply decide to give it a go, your body (and your desire) will often catch up.
17. Kegels are key.
These exercises strengthen your pubococcygeal (PC) muscles, a.k.a. your pelvic floor muscles, giving you more control during sex and intensifying orgasm, says Minkin. To do them, squeeze as if you're holding back urine, then release.
18. Your birth control method is not till death do us part.
You need to reevaluate your pregnancy-prevention method at least twice in your adult life, says Minkin: when you go from wild woman to a mutually monogamous relationship, and after you have children. Not only does your body change post-baby, but your habits may change, too (making you a less reliable Pill taker, for example).
19. Doggie-style can be fun — really!
It can make you feel a bit raunchy — and that's a good thing. It just suffers from bad PR. Let's change the name — like how the marketing people changed prunes to "dried plums." Hands-free sex? Getting the backstory? Taking the bull by the horns? Heck, call it Loretta, but try it.
20. Pain during intercourse is not normal.
Occasional discomfort may just mean that you're tense or haven't had enough foreplay, but if sex hurts often, see your doctor. "It could be as simple as a low-grade urinary tract infection," says Minkin. Whatever it is, you don't have to suffer.
21. The way your vagina looks, however, is perfectly normal.
And no, we don't have to see it to know that.
22. Props are your friends.
Vibrators, fun feathers, unusually shaped pillows — you name it, someone has probably patented it. At the very least, these tools will make you laugh, which can be its own turn-on.
23. Sex is how he shows love.
It's an age-old problem: We gals need to feel cozy and loving to want to have sex, and guys need to have sex to access those cozy and loving feelings. "A lot of guys don't have many outlets for communication, and for them sex is a powerful form of emotional expression," says Kerner. Remember that the next time he wants to have make-up sex before you've really made up — to him, sex is a peace offering and a gift of love, all in one.
24. No matter how badly you want to cuddle and fall asleep, you gotta get up and pee after sex.
Why? So you don't get a urinary tract infection.
25. He'll be snoring by the time you return from the bathroom.
The buildup to his ejaculation involves a lot of muscular tension, explains Kerner. When the wave has subsided, he relaxes and sleep-inducing hormones are released. In short, he can't help it.
26. It's okay to simply take.
Consider how you feel when you perform a one-way act on your guy — you get a certain pleasure out of that, right? Don't deny him the same joy.
27. Sex gets better with age.
(Or practice, or time with one partner, or all of the above.) The future is looking bright!
1. Every woman has a surefire happy-making position — find yours.
By all means, try new things, mix it up, find an alternate use for your baby's exersaucer when she's asleep if it adds to the variety — but figure out your no-fail move or position so you know you can always have an orgasm when you need one.
2. That position may change.
Maybe in your misspent youth you were all about acrobatics and funky props, but now you strive for a deep connection with your guy. (Or maybe it's the other way around!) What you crave, both physically and emotionally, can shift over time, says Mary Jane Minkin, M.D., a clinical professor of obstetrics and gynecology at Yale School of Medicine. Pay attention to what you're feeling (or not feeling) and adapt to your new normal.
3. He doesn't have a flaw-o-meter.
That would be you scanning your body for an errant pudge or a dimple in the wrong place. "During sexual arousal, men are experiencing such a neurochemical cocktail rush, they're really just caught up in the intoxication of it all," says REDBOOK Love Network expert and sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First. In other words, he's too overwhelmed with joy to notice your "flaws." Put aside your body angst and you'll soon be having as much fun as he is.
4. Sex in a soft, clean, comfy bed is underrated.
You're supposed to want to do it on the kitchen floor, in the airplane bathroom, and hanging from your light fixtures. Bah! There's no shame in enjoying your good sheets.
5. Sex clichés are clichés for a reason: They work.
Get a hotel room. Have date night. Take a bubble bath. For God's sake, buy some scented candles already!
6. Everyone else is not having more (or better) sex than you are.
There is no "normal" amount we should all aspire to, no magic number of times per month that signifies your relationship is hunky-dory. There's only one question you need to answer: Are you having enough sex for you?
7. Asking for what you want is worth the embarrassment.
What's a brief awkward moment of sounding like one of those women at the end of a 900 number compared to, well, getting what you need?
8. You need transition time into sex.
Look at all the people who want a piece of you — your kid, your client, the guy who's supposed to be renovating your kitchen. So don't expect to make the leap from corporate exec or general contractor or mommy-on-the-spot to sex goddess without a little time to reassemble yourself. When you're done with the dinner dishes, take a shower — alone! — or read a book. Better yet, get your guy to do the dishes. After that, you might want to give him some action, after all.
9. The more sex you have, the more you want.
It's simple: Delicious recent memories make you want to reenact the fun. But the reverse is also often true — if you go too long without, you forget how much you like it.
10. Masturbating isn't just for dry spells.
First of all, it's plain fun, and second, when was the last time you disappointed yourself? Not to mention the fact that more frequent orgasms will keep you craving partner play, too (see above).
11. Worrying about your orgasm is the best way to chase it away.
When your mind is roiling, It's not happening ... concentrate ... he'll think he failed ... what's wrong with me? you're thinking, not feeling. Focus on the lovely physical sensations instead and soon you won't be able to think straight — in a good way.
12. Planned sex can be even better than spontaneous sex.
Anticipation as foreplay. Think about it.
13. Yes, you can give him a hand.
Touching yourself to speed up your happy ending is not only allowed, it's appreciated, especially when your guy has had his neck in an awkward position for the better part of an hour.
14. He doesn't need you to know any fancy techniques.
"There are many paths to male orgasm," says Kerner. As long as you pay attention to his reactions, refrain from inflicting pain (unless invited to) and don't do anything involving teeth (again, unless he asks), you won't hear any complaints.
15. Sometimes what your body lusts for most is sleep.
An "off" night or a dry spell doesn't mean your relationship is tanking. It usually means you have children or a demanding job or you need to be alone in your head. Go ahead, take the night off.
16. But sometimes "Just do it" really does work.
If you wait to be struck with a spontaneous urge to tear his clothes off, you may be waiting a very long time. But if you simply decide to give it a go, your body (and your desire) will often catch up.
17. Kegels are key.
These exercises strengthen your pubococcygeal (PC) muscles, a.k.a. your pelvic floor muscles, giving you more control during sex and intensifying orgasm, says Minkin. To do them, squeeze as if you're holding back urine, then release.
18. Your birth control method is not till death do us part.
You need to reevaluate your pregnancy-prevention method at least twice in your adult life, says Minkin: when you go from wild woman to a mutually monogamous relationship, and after you have children. Not only does your body change post-baby, but your habits may change, too (making you a less reliable Pill taker, for example).
19. Doggie-style can be fun — really!
It can make you feel a bit raunchy — and that's a good thing. It just suffers from bad PR. Let's change the name — like how the marketing people changed prunes to "dried plums." Hands-free sex? Getting the backstory? Taking the bull by the horns? Heck, call it Loretta, but try it.
20. Pain during intercourse is not normal.
Occasional discomfort may just mean that you're tense or haven't had enough foreplay, but if sex hurts often, see your doctor. "It could be as simple as a low-grade urinary tract infection," says Minkin. Whatever it is, you don't have to suffer.
21. The way your vagina looks, however, is perfectly normal.
And no, we don't have to see it to know that.
22. Props are your friends.
Vibrators, fun feathers, unusually shaped pillows — you name it, someone has probably patented it. At the very least, these tools will make you laugh, which can be its own turn-on.
23. Sex is how he shows love.
It's an age-old problem: We gals need to feel cozy and loving to want to have sex, and guys need to have sex to access those cozy and loving feelings. "A lot of guys don't have many outlets for communication, and for them sex is a powerful form of emotional expression," says Kerner. Remember that the next time he wants to have make-up sex before you've really made up — to him, sex is a peace offering and a gift of love, all in one.
24. No matter how badly you want to cuddle and fall asleep, you gotta get up and pee after sex.
Why? So you don't get a urinary tract infection.
25. He'll be snoring by the time you return from the bathroom.
The buildup to his ejaculation involves a lot of muscular tension, explains Kerner. When the wave has subsided, he relaxes and sleep-inducing hormones are released. In short, he can't help it.
26. It's okay to simply take.
Consider how you feel when you perform a one-way act on your guy — you get a certain pleasure out of that, right? Don't deny him the same joy.
27. Sex gets better with age.
(Or practice, or time with one partner, or all of the above.) The future is looking bright!
The Truth About Why Men Cheat
Counselor M. Gary Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity.
What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife's point of view. Wouldn't it make more sense to ask the guys? he thought. So for his new book, The Truth About Cheating, Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity — including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:
48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.
So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about sex: Only 8 percent of men said that sexual dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is sex," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness — and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."
66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your husband swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the marriage you want.
77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.
Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it. You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values — it'll create an environment that supports marriage.
40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.
"Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home." Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up — and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.
Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.
In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get better sex with a better-looking body. "In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and sex comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering new sexual positions. (But know that sex does matter — it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)
Only 6% of cheating men had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.
Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs — you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for sex, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating — especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control — your own behavior — and take the lead in bringing your marriage to a better place. Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate sex more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try, "I think we've started to lose something important in our marriage, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.
What makes men cheat? Marriage counselor M. Gary Neuman dug through past research on male infidelity and found that most answers came from the wife's point of view. Wouldn't it make more sense to ask the guys? he thought. So for his new book, The Truth About Cheating, Neuman surveyed 200 cheating and noncheating husbands to get at the real reasons behind men's infidelity — including what cheating men say could have prevented them from straying. Here, some of his findings:
48% of men rated emotional dissatisfaction as the primary reason they cheated.
So much for the myth that for men, cheating is all about sex: Only 8 percent of men said that sexual dissatisfaction was the main factor in their infidelity. "Our culture tells us that all men need to be happy is sex," Neuman says. "But men are emotionally driven beings too. They want their wives to show them that they're appreciated, and they want women to understand how hard they're trying to get things right." The problem is that men are less likely than women to express these feelings, so you won't always know when your guy is in need of a little affirmation. "Most men consider it unmanly to ask for a pat on the back, which is why their emotional needs are often overlooked," Neuman says. "But you can create a marital culture of appreciation and thoughtfulness — and once you set the tone, he's likely to match it."
66% of cheating men report feeling guilt during the affair.
The implications are a little scary: It isn't just uncaring jerks who cheat. In fact, 68 percent of cheaters never dreamed they'd be unfaithful, and almost all of them wished they hadn't done it, Neuman says. Clearly, guilt isn't enough to stop a man from cheating. "Men are good at compartmentalizing feelings," Neuman explains. "They can hold on to their emotions and deal with them later." So even if your husband swears he would never cheat, don't assume it can't happen. It's important for both of you to take steps toward creating the marriage you want.
77% of cheating men have a good friend who cheated.
Hanging around friends who stray makes cheating seem normal and legitimizes it as a possibility. The message he's subconsciously telling himself: My friend is a good guy who happens to be cheating on his wife. I guess even the best of us do it. You can't simply ban your husband from hanging out with Mr. Wandering Eyes, Neuman says, but you can request that they spend their time together in an environment that offers less temptation, like at a sporting event or a restaurant for lunch rather than at a bar or club. Another strategy: Build your social circle around happily married couples that share your values — it'll create an environment that supports marriage.
40% of cheating men met the other woman at work.
"Oftentimes the woman he cheats with at the office is someone who praises him, looks up to him, and compliments his efforts," Neuman says. "That's another reason why it's so critical that he feel valued at home." Luckily, there's a clear warning sign that your husband is getting a little too cozy with a colleague: If he praises or mentions the name of a female coworker more than he would a male counterpart, your antennae should go up — and it's time for the two of you to set boundaries about what is and isn't okay at work, Neuman says. Is it acceptable for him to work late if it's only him and her? Can they travel together to conferences? Have dinners out to discuss a project? Ask him what he'd feel comfortable with you doing with a male colleague.
Only 12% of cheating men said their mistress was more physically attractive than their wife.
In other words, a man doesn't stray because he thinks he'll get better sex with a better-looking body. "In most cases, he's cheating to fill an emotional void," Neuman says. "He feels a connection with the other woman, and sex comes along for the ride." If you're worried about infidelity, focus on making your relationship more loving and connected, not on getting your body just right or mastering new sexual positions. (But know that sex does matter — it's one of the key ways your guy expresses his love and feels close to you, so be sure to keep it a priority.)
Only 6% of cheating men had sex with a woman after meeting her that same day or night.
Actually, 73 percent of men got to know the other woman for more than a month before they cheated. This means that you may have time to see the warning signs before infidelity occurs — you might even see it coming before he does. Keep an eye out for these common signals: He spends more time away from home, stops asking for sex, picks fights more frequently, or avoids your calls. Your gut reaction may be to confront him, but most men will deny even thinking about cheating — especially if nothing physical has occurred yet. Instead, Neuman suggests, take charge of what you can control — your own behavior — and take the lead in bringing your marriage to a better place. Don't hesitate to show your appreciation for him, prioritize time together, and initiate sex more. Give him a reason to keep you at the front of his mind, Neuman says. And be open about how you feel about what's going on between the two of you (again, without mentioning any third parties). Try, "I think we've started to lose something important in our marriage, and I don't want it to disappear." In the meantime, commit to keeping tabs on your relationship and doing what it takes to keep it working for you.
Are You Having an Emotional Affair?
An email here, a smile there. Maybe that 'innocent' friendship with your guy friend isn't so innocent after all...
Relationship alert: 82 percent of affairs happen with someone who was at first "just a friend," according to noted infidelity researcher Shirley P. Glass.
You've Probably Crossed the Line if You...
1. Touch your male friend in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his blazer.
2. Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him.
3. Think crush-like thoughts like "He'd love this song!"
4. Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner.
5. No longer feel comfortable telling your mate about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.
6. Experience increasing sensual tension; you admit your attraction to him but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it.
It's About to Get Physical When You...
1. Find yourself feeling vulnerable and turn to the other man for support rather than to your mate or a trusted relative or girlfriend.
2. Accelerate the level of intimacy through sensual or suggestive talk over email or the phone.
3. Put yourself in a situation where the two of you could be alone.
You Can Avoid the Potential Affair if You...
1. Stay honest with your partner. Share with him all your hopes, triumphs, and failures -- as well as your attractions and temptations, which will help keep you from acting on them.
2. Make time for just the two of you on a regular basis -- away from the kids, your friends, and family.
3. Surround yourself with happy couples who don't believe in fooling around. Having positive, emotionally connected role models will help you stay on track.
Readers Reveal: "I Knew I'd Gone too Far When..."
"The guy who I was flirting with regularly over email attended the same event as me and my fiance. When I introduced them, my face flushed as red as a tomato -- I felt embarrassed and guilty about my fiance meeting this guy, so I knew what I was doing was wrong." -- Carolyn, 31, Westfield, NJ
"During one night of partying, my best guy friend and I confessed we had always liked each other. He was a perfect gentleman and left my place before we crossed the physical line. The next day I was completely embarrassed and knew that I didn't want to jeopardize the relationship with my boyfriend so I ended the friendship. And now the boyfriend is my husband, so I'm glad I did." -- Allie, 29, Yonkers, NY
"The cute tech guy who I'd been flirting with at my office said to me, 'You're not going to invite me in?' after I accepted a ride home from him. I liked the attention of him buying me vending machine snacks and complimenting me, but my husband would've had a heart attack if he knew." -- Amy, 38, Chicago
"My best guy friend and I were snuggled on his couch underneath a blanket when I realized that neither his girlfriend nor my boyfriend would be happy if they saw us -- and that our platonic relationship wasn't as platonic as we thought." -- Kim, 35, New Orleans
Relationship alert: 82 percent of affairs happen with someone who was at first "just a friend," according to noted infidelity researcher Shirley P. Glass.
You've Probably Crossed the Line if You...
1. Touch your male friend in "legal" ways, like picking lint off his blazer.
2. Pay extra attention to how you look before you see him.
3. Think crush-like thoughts like "He'd love this song!"
4. Tell him more details about your day than you do your partner.
5. No longer feel comfortable telling your mate about this person and begin to cover up your relationship.
6. Experience increasing sensual tension; you admit your attraction to him but also insist to yourself that you would never act on it.
It's About to Get Physical When You...
1. Find yourself feeling vulnerable and turn to the other man for support rather than to your mate or a trusted relative or girlfriend.
2. Accelerate the level of intimacy through sensual or suggestive talk over email or the phone.
3. Put yourself in a situation where the two of you could be alone.
You Can Avoid the Potential Affair if You...
1. Stay honest with your partner. Share with him all your hopes, triumphs, and failures -- as well as your attractions and temptations, which will help keep you from acting on them.
2. Make time for just the two of you on a regular basis -- away from the kids, your friends, and family.
3. Surround yourself with happy couples who don't believe in fooling around. Having positive, emotionally connected role models will help you stay on track.
Readers Reveal: "I Knew I'd Gone too Far When..."
"The guy who I was flirting with regularly over email attended the same event as me and my fiance. When I introduced them, my face flushed as red as a tomato -- I felt embarrassed and guilty about my fiance meeting this guy, so I knew what I was doing was wrong." -- Carolyn, 31, Westfield, NJ
"During one night of partying, my best guy friend and I confessed we had always liked each other. He was a perfect gentleman and left my place before we crossed the physical line. The next day I was completely embarrassed and knew that I didn't want to jeopardize the relationship with my boyfriend so I ended the friendship. And now the boyfriend is my husband, so I'm glad I did." -- Allie, 29, Yonkers, NY
"The cute tech guy who I'd been flirting with at my office said to me, 'You're not going to invite me in?' after I accepted a ride home from him. I liked the attention of him buying me vending machine snacks and complimenting me, but my husband would've had a heart attack if he knew." -- Amy, 38, Chicago
"My best guy friend and I were snuggled on his couch underneath a blanket when I realized that neither his girlfriend nor my boyfriend would be happy if they saw us -- and that our platonic relationship wasn't as platonic as we thought." -- Kim, 35, New Orleans
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
How to Get Good Sleep After Having a Newborn Baby
If you're a new parent, you know how difficult it is to sleep well with your precious newborn baby now in your life. Here are some ways to get some solid, deep sleep every night.
Step1-Always sleep when the baby sleeps. Always. Do not read or look things up online. Do not do chores. Do not call your friends and family. Just sleep.
Step2-Inevitably, your friends and family will ask to meet your newborn baby. Schedule no more than two visits a day and allow 30 minutes to an hour per visit. Ask if your guests can bring with them meals that are easily reheated. Also, if you feel comfortable asking them to help with chores, do it. All of these things will give you more time to sleep.
Step3-Break your night down into two shifts. For example, make the early shift from 9pm to 3am and the late shift from 3am and 9am. When you are on duty, your partner must sleep. Likewise, if your partner is on duty, then you must sleep. During your shift, you are the one responsible for all baby duties. If the shift change occurs while your baby is awake, then wake your partner and pass the duties off to him/her. If it occurs while your newborn is asleep, that means that you are also asleep--remember step #1--and you should make certain to wake your partner to take on his/her shift. With the baby sleeping at the beginning or end of the shifts, this two-shift method will generally allow for about seven hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Step4-For those exclusively breastfeeding: during the non-nursing partner's shift, he/she should bring the baby to the nursing parent for each feed. An excellent way to sleep through the feeding session is to nurse lying down side-by-side with the baby in bed. (There are excellent guides online on how to do this. Do a Google search for "breastfeeding in bed" or "nursing in bed.") If the nursing parent has a pump, it may be easier to pump enough breast milk for the non-nursing partner to bottle-feed during his/her shift.
Step5-If it suits your chosen parenting method, put the baby to sleep in a separate room than yours. This way, if it is your turn to sleep, you will be less likely to wake up every time the baby cries.
Step6-Don't obsess over checking on the baby in the middle of the night. As a new parent, you can't help but check to see if your baby is still breathing while he/she sleeps. Try to limit your night-time checks as best you can.
Step7-Cluster-feed your newborn baby in the late evenings leading up to bedtime. For example, if bedtime is at 8pm, feed your baby every two hours starting at 4pm. This will help your baby sleep a bit longer and allow the parent on the early shift to get a longer nap.
Step8-If you and your partner get to a point where you cannot safely handle the baby, make sure you have enough breast milk or baby formula for a full day of feedings and ask a trusted friend or relative to come over to babysit. While they take care of your newborn baby, be certain to do nothing but sleep.
Step1-Always sleep when the baby sleeps. Always. Do not read or look things up online. Do not do chores. Do not call your friends and family. Just sleep.
Step2-Inevitably, your friends and family will ask to meet your newborn baby. Schedule no more than two visits a day and allow 30 minutes to an hour per visit. Ask if your guests can bring with them meals that are easily reheated. Also, if you feel comfortable asking them to help with chores, do it. All of these things will give you more time to sleep.
Step3-Break your night down into two shifts. For example, make the early shift from 9pm to 3am and the late shift from 3am and 9am. When you are on duty, your partner must sleep. Likewise, if your partner is on duty, then you must sleep. During your shift, you are the one responsible for all baby duties. If the shift change occurs while your baby is awake, then wake your partner and pass the duties off to him/her. If it occurs while your newborn is asleep, that means that you are also asleep--remember step #1--and you should make certain to wake your partner to take on his/her shift. With the baby sleeping at the beginning or end of the shifts, this two-shift method will generally allow for about seven hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Step4-For those exclusively breastfeeding: during the non-nursing partner's shift, he/she should bring the baby to the nursing parent for each feed. An excellent way to sleep through the feeding session is to nurse lying down side-by-side with the baby in bed. (There are excellent guides online on how to do this. Do a Google search for "breastfeeding in bed" or "nursing in bed.") If the nursing parent has a pump, it may be easier to pump enough breast milk for the non-nursing partner to bottle-feed during his/her shift.
Step5-If it suits your chosen parenting method, put the baby to sleep in a separate room than yours. This way, if it is your turn to sleep, you will be less likely to wake up every time the baby cries.
Step6-Don't obsess over checking on the baby in the middle of the night. As a new parent, you can't help but check to see if your baby is still breathing while he/she sleeps. Try to limit your night-time checks as best you can.
Step7-Cluster-feed your newborn baby in the late evenings leading up to bedtime. For example, if bedtime is at 8pm, feed your baby every two hours starting at 4pm. This will help your baby sleep a bit longer and allow the parent on the early shift to get a longer nap.
Step8-If you and your partner get to a point where you cannot safely handle the baby, make sure you have enough breast milk or baby formula for a full day of feedings and ask a trusted friend or relative to come over to babysit. While they take care of your newborn baby, be certain to do nothing but sleep.
How to Be A Positive Role Model With Our Teens & Build Self-Esteem
In the world we live in raising teens, with hip hop, you tube and my space, when do we have the opportunity to be that positive role model? Is it during breakfast in the morning, activities after school, during homework, or just before we all go our separate ways for that good night sleep. \
It's not easy being parents and making that daily connection with all the busy schedules. How can we know we are being a good role model and making sure that our teens have that strong self-esteem. Well it's by everything we do and say. It doesn't just start when they are teens. It started when they were babies. Not only by what we said, but by what they saw us do. When our children are little, they're like sponges, soaking up everything. As little girls we imitate our mother in the kitchen, we wear her shoes and try on her clothes. Little boys imitate their father trying to shave, helping dad with the grass, or handing him that tool while he works on the car. So what steps can we take to be good role models and how do we ensure self-esteem? Here are a few tips;
Step 1-Stop! If breakfast, or dinner is the only time you can connect with your teen, take that time to connect. Talk with your teen. Whether you are discussing school work, news and events, or family vacation. Communication is the key. Allow this time to set boundaries, so your teen knows what acceptable behavior is. If your teen has after school activities, don't just drop them off, stick around. Make time for you teen.
Step2-Look! Whether your teen is into hip-hop, my space, or you tube, check it out, look and see what they are doing. Know their friends and the parents. The more you look, the more you can see, the more you can encourage, instill goal setting and inspire their talents, gifts.
Step3-Listen! Let them know your door is open. If something bad happens, not only listen, but hear and allow your teen the opportunity to explain as they deserve just as much as you. Use the negative situation as a learning tool. Avoid blaming, criticizing, fault finding, which can undermine self-esteem and can lead to resentment. Remind them that your love is unconditional.
Step4 Lead by example. Live a healthy life style, stay educated, informed and most of all stay involved.
It's not easy being parents and making that daily connection with all the busy schedules. How can we know we are being a good role model and making sure that our teens have that strong self-esteem. Well it's by everything we do and say. It doesn't just start when they are teens. It started when they were babies. Not only by what we said, but by what they saw us do. When our children are little, they're like sponges, soaking up everything. As little girls we imitate our mother in the kitchen, we wear her shoes and try on her clothes. Little boys imitate their father trying to shave, helping dad with the grass, or handing him that tool while he works on the car. So what steps can we take to be good role models and how do we ensure self-esteem? Here are a few tips;
Step 1-Stop! If breakfast, or dinner is the only time you can connect with your teen, take that time to connect. Talk with your teen. Whether you are discussing school work, news and events, or family vacation. Communication is the key. Allow this time to set boundaries, so your teen knows what acceptable behavior is. If your teen has after school activities, don't just drop them off, stick around. Make time for you teen.
Step2-Look! Whether your teen is into hip-hop, my space, or you tube, check it out, look and see what they are doing. Know their friends and the parents. The more you look, the more you can see, the more you can encourage, instill goal setting and inspire their talents, gifts.
Step3-Listen! Let them know your door is open. If something bad happens, not only listen, but hear and allow your teen the opportunity to explain as they deserve just as much as you. Use the negative situation as a learning tool. Avoid blaming, criticizing, fault finding, which can undermine self-esteem and can lead to resentment. Remind them that your love is unconditional.
Step4 Lead by example. Live a healthy life style, stay educated, informed and most of all stay involved.
How to be a charming woman
I am not writing this article pretending to be perfect, because nobody is. BUT i know the key personality traits and everyday actions that a woman requires to make men wish they could marry you, companies want to hire you and people wish they'd be your friend!
Take a look at yourself. How much time do you spend(if your a mother) thinking about your kids, husband, job or even household chores everyday of your life?How much time do you spend(if you are a teen or a young adult) thinking about fashion, shopping, t.v. shows, or boyfriend? After analyzing this in the most honest way possible, with no if ands or buts,you probably spend too much unnecessary time on things that are indeed important, but yet how much time do you spend on yourself(unselfishly speaking)and other issues outside your life?To be a charming, well rounded woman you need a lot more than good looks and a fancy wardrobe and i mean MUCH MORE.
Step2 You don't have to become Mother Teresa, but there are plenty of ways to get involved, do some reaserach! Be active! And with that said, i mean:
1)Join a gym and attend at least 2 days a week. I discovered Zumba and Yoga for example, which are two classes that are so much more than a good workout. Zumba is a latin dance class that teaches you in a fun fast paced way how to dance. Men love a woman who can go out and dance, have fun! It's sexy, attractive, extremely fun and brings out energy you never knew you had.
And yoga, what can i say...it's a lifestyle! In this class you release so much stress its amazing, you get in touch with your inner peace and become more flexible and tone your muscles at the same time without feeling like you can't breathe of how hard your panting or stressing your body out.
2) Do something(anything!)to help out the community. Volunteer, donate, learn and be informed because if you're in your house right now and have food in your fridge believe it or not, you are more fortunate than 80% of rest of the world. Yes, 80% of the world lives in EXTREME poverty. We are very lucky and should never take anything for granted.
Step3 Smile at people you see, it's contagious.If somethings funny, let it out! Are you a bit of a "potty mouth"? Try not to curse as much specially in public because whether you like it or not it gives people a bad first impression.
Smile! Nobody likes a serious old grouch, and I'm not saying to be a ray of golden sunshine all day long(because most of the time thats not possible)but just try to smile, think of positive things and take deep breaths when somethings been bothering you because believe me it can ALWAYS get worse.
Step4 Whether you do it at home or at a salon, it's a great way of feeling beautiful and surprisingly in control of your life! Now my last tips are mostly so you can feel better about yourself therefore achieving a higher self esteem, projecting positiveness and confidence. There is nothing more charming or attractive to a man than a woman who is secure of herself and has her OWN LIFE TO LIVE!
People want to be surrounded by positive personalities, so listen up!
1)Take care of inner self. By that i mean eating well rounded meals and not starving yourself either! Vegetables, meats(in moderation),fish, nuts fruits are all great feel-good foods!After all, you are what you eat.
2)Take a few minutes out of you oh-so-busy schedule for some YOU time! At home you can pamper yourself, take a nice warm shower, fix your hair nicely, groom yourself :) maybe even go get a needed manicure pedicure or haircut every once in a while! When you forget about yourself you slowly start letting yourself go and caring less about how you look when all of a sudden you don't like how you look anymore and your self esteem is down on the ground.
Note:
Be honest! It's hard to tell the truth all the time(specially to strangers)but believe me most people know when your lying and there's nothing worse than a liar.
High self-esteem is great! But don't let it get too high because there is nothing further from charming than someone arrogant!
Take care of your image but don't overdo it with the makeup because you don't want to pretend to look a certain way, when your completely the opposite. Besides, its not good for your skin!
Take a look at yourself. How much time do you spend(if your a mother) thinking about your kids, husband, job or even household chores everyday of your life?How much time do you spend(if you are a teen or a young adult) thinking about fashion, shopping, t.v. shows, or boyfriend? After analyzing this in the most honest way possible, with no if ands or buts,you probably spend too much unnecessary time on things that are indeed important, but yet how much time do you spend on yourself(unselfishly speaking)and other issues outside your life?To be a charming, well rounded woman you need a lot more than good looks and a fancy wardrobe and i mean MUCH MORE.
Step2 You don't have to become Mother Teresa, but there are plenty of ways to get involved, do some reaserach! Be active! And with that said, i mean:
1)Join a gym and attend at least 2 days a week. I discovered Zumba and Yoga for example, which are two classes that are so much more than a good workout. Zumba is a latin dance class that teaches you in a fun fast paced way how to dance. Men love a woman who can go out and dance, have fun! It's sexy, attractive, extremely fun and brings out energy you never knew you had.
And yoga, what can i say...it's a lifestyle! In this class you release so much stress its amazing, you get in touch with your inner peace and become more flexible and tone your muscles at the same time without feeling like you can't breathe of how hard your panting or stressing your body out.
2) Do something(anything!)to help out the community. Volunteer, donate, learn and be informed because if you're in your house right now and have food in your fridge believe it or not, you are more fortunate than 80% of rest of the world. Yes, 80% of the world lives in EXTREME poverty. We are very lucky and should never take anything for granted.
Step3 Smile at people you see, it's contagious.If somethings funny, let it out! Are you a bit of a "potty mouth"? Try not to curse as much specially in public because whether you like it or not it gives people a bad first impression.
Smile! Nobody likes a serious old grouch, and I'm not saying to be a ray of golden sunshine all day long(because most of the time thats not possible)but just try to smile, think of positive things and take deep breaths when somethings been bothering you because believe me it can ALWAYS get worse.
Step4 Whether you do it at home or at a salon, it's a great way of feeling beautiful and surprisingly in control of your life! Now my last tips are mostly so you can feel better about yourself therefore achieving a higher self esteem, projecting positiveness and confidence. There is nothing more charming or attractive to a man than a woman who is secure of herself and has her OWN LIFE TO LIVE!
People want to be surrounded by positive personalities, so listen up!
1)Take care of inner self. By that i mean eating well rounded meals and not starving yourself either! Vegetables, meats(in moderation),fish, nuts fruits are all great feel-good foods!After all, you are what you eat.
2)Take a few minutes out of you oh-so-busy schedule for some YOU time! At home you can pamper yourself, take a nice warm shower, fix your hair nicely, groom yourself :) maybe even go get a needed manicure pedicure or haircut every once in a while! When you forget about yourself you slowly start letting yourself go and caring less about how you look when all of a sudden you don't like how you look anymore and your self esteem is down on the ground.
Note:
Be honest! It's hard to tell the truth all the time(specially to strangers)but believe me most people know when your lying and there's nothing worse than a liar.
High self-esteem is great! But don't let it get too high because there is nothing further from charming than someone arrogant!
Take care of your image but don't overdo it with the makeup because you don't want to pretend to look a certain way, when your completely the opposite. Besides, its not good for your skin!
How to Charm a Woman
So, are you wondering how to charm a certain woman, or just ladies in general? Let me show you how it's done.
Step 1-ooks are not the first thing a woman looks for when choosing mate. For example, how many times have you seen someone that is not so great looking with a good looking woman? I have seen it, many of times. So this may be good news for some. A woman knows within seconds of looking at someone that may be mate material. So before you can charm her, you are going to get her attention first. I will show you how.
Step2-When looking for a mate, a lady will look for many, many things. She will asses him right away, and not even know it. She will look at his cleanliness, over all health, confidence, friendliness, and stamina, among many, many other things. The first thing you want is confidence. If you do not have it, learn it.
Step3-Make sure you are well groomed and clean.
Step4-Be friendly, this will show her that you are not going to hurt her. She wants someone that may be intimidating if need be, to others, but not her. Don't get me wrong, you are not going into a place dogging others out, this is a no, no. You should carry yourself with good posture, and look others in the eye. Never become aggressive though. You should make this impression on her within the first few seconds you meet her, this is when it is very important.
Step5-Now that you have her attention, you may relax a little. You should first off listen to her, and listen good, ask her questions. Females are of talking nature, so you should have good verbal communication skills.
Step6-Never look clingy, too exited, just remember, cool, calm, and collective. This will help you quite a bit.
Step7-Show her you are interested, just not over interested. You want to give her the impression that their are other females that can be interesting, besides her, without verbalizing it, or starring to hard at other females. You do not want her to think that she can have you anytime she wants too, because let's face it, sometimes people want something that may be in reach, but just out of reach, if you can understand this, you are doing fine.
Step8-When you decide you have found someone that you are going to go on a date with, smile often, and listen a lot. You should ask many interesting questions, but nothing too personal. Offer a little information on your self. You may give more information later. Remember, that a lady loves to verbalize. If you give her a compliment, start off small. Leave her wanting more. Say something like,"you have the most adorable laugh." You may compliment more later.
Step9-Be a gentleman. Open her doors for her, show her that she is lady.
Step10-After you have followed the steps above, you have charmed her just enough, to make it just right. You may then proceed to taking her places you will both enjoy, and just have fun. Later you may do things like surprise her with special gifts or notes to let her know you are thinking about her. Never over do it, though. You should never over do it though.
Step11-Communication is very important to a lady. You should have good communication and listening skills, never forget this. Best of luck to you!
Step 1-ooks are not the first thing a woman looks for when choosing mate. For example, how many times have you seen someone that is not so great looking with a good looking woman? I have seen it, many of times. So this may be good news for some. A woman knows within seconds of looking at someone that may be mate material. So before you can charm her, you are going to get her attention first. I will show you how.
Step2-When looking for a mate, a lady will look for many, many things. She will asses him right away, and not even know it. She will look at his cleanliness, over all health, confidence, friendliness, and stamina, among many, many other things. The first thing you want is confidence. If you do not have it, learn it.
Step3-Make sure you are well groomed and clean.
Step4-Be friendly, this will show her that you are not going to hurt her. She wants someone that may be intimidating if need be, to others, but not her. Don't get me wrong, you are not going into a place dogging others out, this is a no, no. You should carry yourself with good posture, and look others in the eye. Never become aggressive though. You should make this impression on her within the first few seconds you meet her, this is when it is very important.
Step5-Now that you have her attention, you may relax a little. You should first off listen to her, and listen good, ask her questions. Females are of talking nature, so you should have good verbal communication skills.
Step6-Never look clingy, too exited, just remember, cool, calm, and collective. This will help you quite a bit.
Step7-Show her you are interested, just not over interested. You want to give her the impression that their are other females that can be interesting, besides her, without verbalizing it, or starring to hard at other females. You do not want her to think that she can have you anytime she wants too, because let's face it, sometimes people want something that may be in reach, but just out of reach, if you can understand this, you are doing fine.
Step8-When you decide you have found someone that you are going to go on a date with, smile often, and listen a lot. You should ask many interesting questions, but nothing too personal. Offer a little information on your self. You may give more information later. Remember, that a lady loves to verbalize. If you give her a compliment, start off small. Leave her wanting more. Say something like,"you have the most adorable laugh." You may compliment more later.
Step9-Be a gentleman. Open her doors for her, show her that she is lady.
Step10-After you have followed the steps above, you have charmed her just enough, to make it just right. You may then proceed to taking her places you will both enjoy, and just have fun. Later you may do things like surprise her with special gifts or notes to let her know you are thinking about her. Never over do it, though. You should never over do it though.
Step11-Communication is very important to a lady. You should have good communication and listening skills, never forget this. Best of luck to you!
How to Impress a Girl or Woman on a First Date
Every woman wants Prince Charming to sweep her off of her feet. You may not be anything from a fairytale, but this article will help you impress a special lady on your first date.
Step1-Ask her out, if you already haven't. A date does not have to be anything really fancy- it can just be lunch or a cup of coffee and dessert. Avoid going to the movies on the first date because you do not get a chance to talk and get to know one another. Offer to pick her up.
Step2-Once you have secured the date, start grooming. Wash your clothes. The date of the date, shower and shave. Put on some cologne and your fresh clothes. Make sure that you have some cash in your wallet for the date. Buy minty gum before the date.
Step3-If you want to go the extra mile, pick up a flower for her. A bouquet of roses may be a little bit formal for the first date if you do not know the person very well, and she may feel uncomfortable. However, a single rose will impress her and seem very elegant, classy, and romantic. Give her the flower when you pick her up for the date. If you are picking her up, clean your car.
Step4-During the date, be a gentleman. Open the door for her. Offer her your court. We're suckers for those gestures.
Step5-Before the date, think of a few things that you can talk about. There is nothing worse than an akward silence during a first date. Ask her abuot herself, and let the questions lead the conversation: Where are you from? How long have you lived here? Where did you go to school? What do you like to do for fun? Think of some interesting things to say about yourself that you can highlight. Don't gloat about yourself, but if the conversation seems appropriate, mention your good points.
Step6-Relax and enjoy yourself. Even if the date doesn't go well, you will have met someone new. You may even learn something about yourself. Only kiss on the first date if she initiates it. You want to keep her wishing for more.
Notes:
DO NOT make your date pay for her dinner/ entertainment. That will not impress her at all, especially on the first date. If you can't afford to pay for her, then you don't get to go out with her.
Remember that the first impression is very important. Brush your teeth, floss, and smile. You want to seem like a nice guy.
If the date seems to be going smoothly and you need to relocate to your place, make sure in advance that it is clean, especially the bathroom. Make sure the bed is made, otherwise she will think you are lazy... plus, you don't want her to have to worry whether or not the sheets are clean. You don't want to gross her out with your body hair that you shedded. Have wine and protection on hand.
Step1-Ask her out, if you already haven't. A date does not have to be anything really fancy- it can just be lunch or a cup of coffee and dessert. Avoid going to the movies on the first date because you do not get a chance to talk and get to know one another. Offer to pick her up.
Step2-Once you have secured the date, start grooming. Wash your clothes. The date of the date, shower and shave. Put on some cologne and your fresh clothes. Make sure that you have some cash in your wallet for the date. Buy minty gum before the date.
Step3-If you want to go the extra mile, pick up a flower for her. A bouquet of roses may be a little bit formal for the first date if you do not know the person very well, and she may feel uncomfortable. However, a single rose will impress her and seem very elegant, classy, and romantic. Give her the flower when you pick her up for the date. If you are picking her up, clean your car.
Step4-During the date, be a gentleman. Open the door for her. Offer her your court. We're suckers for those gestures.
Step5-Before the date, think of a few things that you can talk about. There is nothing worse than an akward silence during a first date. Ask her abuot herself, and let the questions lead the conversation: Where are you from? How long have you lived here? Where did you go to school? What do you like to do for fun? Think of some interesting things to say about yourself that you can highlight. Don't gloat about yourself, but if the conversation seems appropriate, mention your good points.
Step6-Relax and enjoy yourself. Even if the date doesn't go well, you will have met someone new. You may even learn something about yourself. Only kiss on the first date if she initiates it. You want to keep her wishing for more.
Notes:
DO NOT make your date pay for her dinner/ entertainment. That will not impress her at all, especially on the first date. If you can't afford to pay for her, then you don't get to go out with her.
Remember that the first impression is very important. Brush your teeth, floss, and smile. You want to seem like a nice guy.
If the date seems to be going smoothly and you need to relocate to your place, make sure in advance that it is clean, especially the bathroom. Make sure the bed is made, otherwise she will think you are lazy... plus, you don't want her to have to worry whether or not the sheets are clean. You don't want to gross her out with your body hair that you shedded. Have wine and protection on hand.
How to Impress a Girl or Woman on a First Date
Step1-Ask her out, if you already haven't. A date does not have to be anything really fancy- it can just be lunch or a cup of coffee and dessert. Avoid going to the movies on the first date because you do not get a chance to talk and get to know one another. Offer to pick her up.
Step2-Once you have secured the date, start grooming. Wash your clothes. The date of the date, shower and shave. Put on some cologne and your fresh clothes. Make sure that you have some cash in your wallet for the date. Buy minty gum before the date.
Step3-If you want to go the extra mile, pick up a flower for her. A bouquet of roses may be a little bit formal for the first date if you do not know the person very well, and she may feel uncomfortable. However, a single rose will impress her and seem very elegant, classy, and romantic. Give her the flower when you pick her up for the date. If you are picking her up, clean your car.
Step4-During the date, be a gentleman. Open the door for her. Offer her your court. We're suckers for those gestures.
Step5-Before the date, think of a few things that you can talk about. There is nothing worse than an akward silence during a first date. Ask her abuot herself, and let the questions lead the conversation: Where are you from? How long have you lived here? Where did you go to school? What do you like to do for fun? Think of some interesting things to say about yourself that you can highlight. Don't gloat about yourself, but if the conversation seems appropriate, mention your good points.
Step6-Relax and enjoy yourself. Even if the date doesn't go well, you will have met someone new. You may even learn something about yourself. Only kiss on the first date if she initiates it. You want to keep her wishing for more.
Note;
DO NOT make your date pay for her dinner/ entertainment. That will not impress her at all, especially on the first date. If you can't afford to pay for her, then you don't get to go out with her.
Remember that the first impression is very important. Brush your teeth, floss, and smile. You want to seem like a nice guy.
If the date seems to be going smoothly and you need to relocate to your place, make sure in advance that it is clean, especially the bathroom. Make sure the bed is made, otherwise she will think you are lazy... plus, you don't want her to have to worry whether or not the sheets are clean. You don't want to gross her out with your body hair that you shedded. Have wine and protection on hand.
Step2-Once you have secured the date, start grooming. Wash your clothes. The date of the date, shower and shave. Put on some cologne and your fresh clothes. Make sure that you have some cash in your wallet for the date. Buy minty gum before the date.
Step3-If you want to go the extra mile, pick up a flower for her. A bouquet of roses may be a little bit formal for the first date if you do not know the person very well, and she may feel uncomfortable. However, a single rose will impress her and seem very elegant, classy, and romantic. Give her the flower when you pick her up for the date. If you are picking her up, clean your car.
Step4-During the date, be a gentleman. Open the door for her. Offer her your court. We're suckers for those gestures.
Step5-Before the date, think of a few things that you can talk about. There is nothing worse than an akward silence during a first date. Ask her abuot herself, and let the questions lead the conversation: Where are you from? How long have you lived here? Where did you go to school? What do you like to do for fun? Think of some interesting things to say about yourself that you can highlight. Don't gloat about yourself, but if the conversation seems appropriate, mention your good points.
Step6-Relax and enjoy yourself. Even if the date doesn't go well, you will have met someone new. You may even learn something about yourself. Only kiss on the first date if she initiates it. You want to keep her wishing for more.
Note;
DO NOT make your date pay for her dinner/ entertainment. That will not impress her at all, especially on the first date. If you can't afford to pay for her, then you don't get to go out with her.
Remember that the first impression is very important. Brush your teeth, floss, and smile. You want to seem like a nice guy.
If the date seems to be going smoothly and you need to relocate to your place, make sure in advance that it is clean, especially the bathroom. Make sure the bed is made, otherwise she will think you are lazy... plus, you don't want her to have to worry whether or not the sheets are clean. You don't want to gross her out with your body hair that you shedded. Have wine and protection on hand.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
How to Understand A Wife's Unspoken Needs
In most cases, a wife needs to feel loved and to actually *know* by her husband's demonstration that she is loved. She needs to feel valued in the areas of affection, sacrifice, and intellect. Furthermore, not only does she need to know that she can trust her husband, she needs to be able to actually *see* her husband's loyalty - not necessarily in the sole area of marital fidelity. (I have friends who would deny that they need to *see* their husbands' loyalty because they relate that thought to jealousy. But it does not necessarily have anything to do with jealousy. Many wives observe their husbands' reactions when other beautiful women walk by. We also compare our husbands' sacrifice for us to their sacrifice for others after we've been placed on the back burner at certain points in time.)
A wife wants to be assured of her place in her husband's life and how she is prioritized. Many men have become frustrated with demonstrating their love. Many attempts of demonstrating his love for his wife may not be what she needs in order to feel secure. And many women will show appreciation for those attempts but still find themselves longing for more than demonstrations of love through sex and other routine gestures. Simple gestures yet sometimes complex, thought-out sacrifices reach women's hearts. For instance, a simple warm cuddle at night can assure a wife that her husband delights in touching her without always having to be sexual. Also, for certain women, the sacrifice of cooking her a special dinner can reach deeper into her heart than taking her out to dinner for the fifth time in a month. In order to understand her needs that she sometimes can't or won't verbalize due to the complexity of her heart, begin with the following:
Step1-
Listen to her. Listening to her does not mean just letting her talk. Respond verbally and demonstratively with long-term actions. This does not mean that you have to do every single thing she tells you to do. But demonstrate that you've taken mental notes of her concerns. And along the way, speak to her about what you are doing in light of what she has mentioned. Even if you have to make a choice about something that she has verbally objected to previously, voluntarily tell her that you understand her reservation but that you had to make a decision based on... Listen to her and communicate to her, in various ways, what you've heard her tell you.
Step2-
Ask for her opinion on different important issues. You may find she will express her opinion about a number of things based on her innermost heart. Some women like to talk about how they feel and will take every opportunity possible to do so. Others, who don't talk much, need opportunities - like being asked their opinions - in order to open up. This can prove effective over time. So, do not get discouraged after a few attempts that yielded limited or no results.
Make a habit of asking for her opinion and communicate that opinion with her. You just might actually learn something from your wife about very technical subjects, like repairs.
Step3-
Listen to those who knew her before you or those who talk on the phone with her all the time - like any family and/or friends who have a positive relationship with her. Listen to funny stories about her. There is something new to learn about her all the time. You may have been married for twenty years and can still receive some insight about your wife. Sometimes close friends know more intimate details than you. And the intimate details can be how she might feel about minor issues that you never thought existed.
Step4-
Strike up little conversations with her while she is very sleepy - without exhausting her. Have talks with her in the night before bed. You can find out a little more of what might be on her mind when she expresses it approaching slumber - especially if she's taking worries to bed. For example, if she mumbles some concerns about your child's school work in a very relaxed state-of-mind, during that week she would love to see you making an extended effort to help the child with the school work.
Step5-Finally, be open with her about your own concerns and your own activities. Be willing to be transparent. And when you open up, don't present yourself as somebody who has no shortcomings or as somebody who can't bounce back from any shortcomings. Doing so, you will find that she can open up more. Over time, you can begin to understand your wife more.
Note:
I understand that there are some men who don't always feel like hearing their wife's innermost thoughts. (My husband sometimes gets exhausted by my verbalized thoughts.) But just stick it out sometimes. And after you've proven to her that you can stick out listening over time, at other times, gently tell her that you know there is a need to hear what she has to say but at another time (and be up-front, specific about the time so that she'll know you care enough to follow up).
This does not apply to all wives - but to many.
A wife wants to be assured of her place in her husband's life and how she is prioritized. Many men have become frustrated with demonstrating their love. Many attempts of demonstrating his love for his wife may not be what she needs in order to feel secure. And many women will show appreciation for those attempts but still find themselves longing for more than demonstrations of love through sex and other routine gestures. Simple gestures yet sometimes complex, thought-out sacrifices reach women's hearts. For instance, a simple warm cuddle at night can assure a wife that her husband delights in touching her without always having to be sexual. Also, for certain women, the sacrifice of cooking her a special dinner can reach deeper into her heart than taking her out to dinner for the fifth time in a month. In order to understand her needs that she sometimes can't or won't verbalize due to the complexity of her heart, begin with the following:
Step1-
Listen to her. Listening to her does not mean just letting her talk. Respond verbally and demonstratively with long-term actions. This does not mean that you have to do every single thing she tells you to do. But demonstrate that you've taken mental notes of her concerns. And along the way, speak to her about what you are doing in light of what she has mentioned. Even if you have to make a choice about something that she has verbally objected to previously, voluntarily tell her that you understand her reservation but that you had to make a decision based on... Listen to her and communicate to her, in various ways, what you've heard her tell you.
Step2-
Ask for her opinion on different important issues. You may find she will express her opinion about a number of things based on her innermost heart. Some women like to talk about how they feel and will take every opportunity possible to do so. Others, who don't talk much, need opportunities - like being asked their opinions - in order to open up. This can prove effective over time. So, do not get discouraged after a few attempts that yielded limited or no results.
Make a habit of asking for her opinion and communicate that opinion with her. You just might actually learn something from your wife about very technical subjects, like repairs.
Step3-
Listen to those who knew her before you or those who talk on the phone with her all the time - like any family and/or friends who have a positive relationship with her. Listen to funny stories about her. There is something new to learn about her all the time. You may have been married for twenty years and can still receive some insight about your wife. Sometimes close friends know more intimate details than you. And the intimate details can be how she might feel about minor issues that you never thought existed.
Step4-
Strike up little conversations with her while she is very sleepy - without exhausting her. Have talks with her in the night before bed. You can find out a little more of what might be on her mind when she expresses it approaching slumber - especially if she's taking worries to bed. For example, if she mumbles some concerns about your child's school work in a very relaxed state-of-mind, during that week she would love to see you making an extended effort to help the child with the school work.
Step5-Finally, be open with her about your own concerns and your own activities. Be willing to be transparent. And when you open up, don't present yourself as somebody who has no shortcomings or as somebody who can't bounce back from any shortcomings. Doing so, you will find that she can open up more. Over time, you can begin to understand your wife more.
Note:
I understand that there are some men who don't always feel like hearing their wife's innermost thoughts. (My husband sometimes gets exhausted by my verbalized thoughts.) But just stick it out sometimes. And after you've proven to her that you can stick out listening over time, at other times, gently tell her that you know there is a need to hear what she has to say but at another time (and be up-front, specific about the time so that she'll know you care enough to follow up).
This does not apply to all wives - but to many.
How to be a sweet husband to your wife
Step 1-
My parents dated at 17. Roosevelt was President as they grew up. Dad served in the USAF in Okinawa. They married when the marriage license cost one dollar. They worked, raised 4 kids...all married with kids of their own... and traveled many parts of the globe on vacations. Both turned 78 this year and are in failing health. I dedicate this "how to" to my Dad, the sweetest Husband ever. He likes to say that $1 to marry my Mom is the best dollar he ever spent!
Step2-
Pres. Roosevelt Little things mean a lot. Pump gas in her car; check her tire pressure; carry the grocery bags in for her. Get the repairman out to the house promptly if the washing machine breaks, the roof leaks or the sliding door goes off the track. Remember her favorite color and buy her flowers, a scarf, or gloves in that color.
Step3-
right on!! Compliments. Praise each meal she cooks for you. Help with the dishes & clean-up even if you had to eat a burned dinner. Tell your wife she looks nice, hold her hand, put your arm around her, peck her cheek, say "I love you" often. Ask her to dance. Give your wife the fanciest Mother's Day card you can find at the card shop.
Step4-
turtles candy Make occasions special. Buy her a box of her favorite gourmet chocolates on her birthday. Split a rootbeer float on New Year's Eve, if you don't drink. Yes, the big events matter but don't forget the smaller events. Celebrate little milestones such as your first date. My folks have a sandwich lunch together every year on the annivesary of their first date, which was a lunch date. Awwwwwww!! How sweet!!! Think of an occasion or two you and your wife can make into an annual celebration.
Note:
Stuffs You’ll Need:
-a wife
-attention to detail
My parents dated at 17. Roosevelt was President as they grew up. Dad served in the USAF in Okinawa. They married when the marriage license cost one dollar. They worked, raised 4 kids...all married with kids of their own... and traveled many parts of the globe on vacations. Both turned 78 this year and are in failing health. I dedicate this "how to" to my Dad, the sweetest Husband ever. He likes to say that $1 to marry my Mom is the best dollar he ever spent!
Step2-
Pres. Roosevelt Little things mean a lot. Pump gas in her car; check her tire pressure; carry the grocery bags in for her. Get the repairman out to the house promptly if the washing machine breaks, the roof leaks or the sliding door goes off the track. Remember her favorite color and buy her flowers, a scarf, or gloves in that color.
Step3-
right on!! Compliments. Praise each meal she cooks for you. Help with the dishes & clean-up even if you had to eat a burned dinner. Tell your wife she looks nice, hold her hand, put your arm around her, peck her cheek, say "I love you" often. Ask her to dance. Give your wife the fanciest Mother's Day card you can find at the card shop.
Step4-
turtles candy Make occasions special. Buy her a box of her favorite gourmet chocolates on her birthday. Split a rootbeer float on New Year's Eve, if you don't drink. Yes, the big events matter but don't forget the smaller events. Celebrate little milestones such as your first date. My folks have a sandwich lunch together every year on the annivesary of their first date, which was a lunch date. Awwwwwww!! How sweet!!! Think of an occasion or two you and your wife can make into an annual celebration.
Note:
Stuffs You’ll Need:
-a wife
-attention to detail
How to Be a Better Mom
When I first became a mother, the only thing I knew was that I wanted to be the very best mom there ever was. To say I have failed a few times would be an understatement. However, I learned as time passed just by watching my daughter's expressions. Observation can be the greatest tool you have. Use it!
Step1-Be observant. When you have a discussion, argument, or heart-to-heart, watch your child's expression. You can tell if things are going well by paying attention. Children wear their hearts on their sleeves. When you see a look of disapproval, this is the best time to straighten it out and take a new avenue to relate your point of view. Never make your child feel inferior.
Step2-When your child has something to say, LISTEN. Truly listen to what they have to say. This is not the time to let your mind wander and get sidetracked. When you are listening to what they are saying it is also easy to hear what they are not telling you. Pay attention. Keep the lines of communication open by making them feel that right at that moment, there is nothing else going on in your world.
Step3-Always pray together. Your child needs guidance and there is no better place to get it than from God. If you ask Him, He will guide you in the right direction.
Step4-Each morning give thanks for the things you have. Talk to your children about what they have that is important to them. By focusing on the thankfulness of our possessions we will forget about what someone else has that we envy them for. Children have a really hard time with this one because of peer pressure. Often times they don't realize that they also have things that someone else doesn't have but wants.
Step5-Teach your child/children the rewards of giving. Take them with you when you deliver unwanted items to Goodwill or Salvation Army. Allow them to see you giving to the less fortunate. Children learn by example and you are their example.
Note;
Always make your children feel important.
Always reward them with a smile and your love.
Always build them up.
Always be there for them when they need you.
Always give plenty of hugs and kisses.
Avoid negativity.
Avoid giving into wants you can't afford.
Avoid being too busy for your child.
Avoid belittling your children
Stuffs You’ll Need:
A keen eye
A listening ear
A warm Smile
A hug
A kiss
A compassionate heart
Step1-Be observant. When you have a discussion, argument, or heart-to-heart, watch your child's expression. You can tell if things are going well by paying attention. Children wear their hearts on their sleeves. When you see a look of disapproval, this is the best time to straighten it out and take a new avenue to relate your point of view. Never make your child feel inferior.
Step2-When your child has something to say, LISTEN. Truly listen to what they have to say. This is not the time to let your mind wander and get sidetracked. When you are listening to what they are saying it is also easy to hear what they are not telling you. Pay attention. Keep the lines of communication open by making them feel that right at that moment, there is nothing else going on in your world.
Step3-Always pray together. Your child needs guidance and there is no better place to get it than from God. If you ask Him, He will guide you in the right direction.
Step4-Each morning give thanks for the things you have. Talk to your children about what they have that is important to them. By focusing on the thankfulness of our possessions we will forget about what someone else has that we envy them for. Children have a really hard time with this one because of peer pressure. Often times they don't realize that they also have things that someone else doesn't have but wants.
Step5-Teach your child/children the rewards of giving. Take them with you when you deliver unwanted items to Goodwill or Salvation Army. Allow them to see you giving to the less fortunate. Children learn by example and you are their example.
Note;
Always make your children feel important.
Always reward them with a smile and your love.
Always build them up.
Always be there for them when they need you.
Always give plenty of hugs and kisses.
Avoid negativity.
Avoid giving into wants you can't afford.
Avoid being too busy for your child.
Avoid belittling your children
Stuffs You’ll Need:
A keen eye
A listening ear
A warm Smile
A hug
A kiss
A compassionate heart
Monday, March 23, 2009
Talk Money Before Moving In Together
Moving in together is a huge step and a sign of a committed partnership between two people. Relationships break up quickly over problems and misunderstandings about money so have a serious discussion before any time is spent looking for the little bungalow and white picket fence.
1. Decide if the communal bills are going to be paid by one person or both, in other words, which checkbook will the monthly expenses come out of? Who is designated to physically pay the bill? Even if expenses are shared evenly, nothing starts an argument faster than having the electricity shut off when someone didn’t know they were supposed to pay the bill.
2. Decide how the monthly expenses such as rent, food and utilities are going to be divided each month. Having equality in these areas is the best way to start out. This way, each party is responsible for his or her own money.
3. Keep separate checking accounts. One of the worst mistakes two people make when living together is to combine checking accounts. Combined checking accounts are a topic for after the wedding, not at this stage of the relationship.
4. Decide in the beginning if asking to borrow money is “okay” or not. Every person runs out of money at the end of the month from time to time, so discuss if asking for a loan is going to work for each of you. Many people aren’t comfortable giving money to their partner and loans feel impersonal. Discuss your feelings about this before the situation comes up.
5. Talk about your philosophy regarding money before you move in together. Are you a saver or a spender? Does shopping and spending money make you ‘feel’ better? Are you living together to ‘save money’ on expenses? Does one person earn a lot more money than the other person and how does that feel?
Know yourself and your own personal beliefs about money and then discuss that with your partner. Get every detail regarding finances out on the table and this goes a long way to stopping arguments about money in the future.
1. Decide if the communal bills are going to be paid by one person or both, in other words, which checkbook will the monthly expenses come out of? Who is designated to physically pay the bill? Even if expenses are shared evenly, nothing starts an argument faster than having the electricity shut off when someone didn’t know they were supposed to pay the bill.
2. Decide how the monthly expenses such as rent, food and utilities are going to be divided each month. Having equality in these areas is the best way to start out. This way, each party is responsible for his or her own money.
3. Keep separate checking accounts. One of the worst mistakes two people make when living together is to combine checking accounts. Combined checking accounts are a topic for after the wedding, not at this stage of the relationship.
4. Decide in the beginning if asking to borrow money is “okay” or not. Every person runs out of money at the end of the month from time to time, so discuss if asking for a loan is going to work for each of you. Many people aren’t comfortable giving money to their partner and loans feel impersonal. Discuss your feelings about this before the situation comes up.
5. Talk about your philosophy regarding money before you move in together. Are you a saver or a spender? Does shopping and spending money make you ‘feel’ better? Are you living together to ‘save money’ on expenses? Does one person earn a lot more money than the other person and how does that feel?
Know yourself and your own personal beliefs about money and then discuss that with your partner. Get every detail regarding finances out on the table and this goes a long way to stopping arguments about money in the future.
Relationship to Self
Even if not consciously aware, people crave a return to a state of complete, divine love. During our search, relationships with others are meant to mirror our own current issues. This is a gift as it assists our learning and development.
When you react strongly to someone, whether positive or negative, its purpose is to draw your attention. You are reacting because you hold a judgment about whatever attribute or situation has prompted your response. As long as you hold judgment of others, you can not find the peace you desire within. Whether you are interested in a Jewish relationship or a Christian relationship, the opportunity exists to learn self-acceptance from these interactions.
In practical terms, your spiritual development will be aided by working to overcome the need to defend yourself or prove another “wrong.” Treating your partner and yourself with compassion, instead of criticism and judgment, will develop the most beautiful relationships we are capable of.
Rodegast and Stanton (1994) state this beautifully:
“There is nothing but love. Don’t let the masks and postures fool you. Love is the glue that holds the Universe together. The greatest need in a soul is to achieve that loving of self which will bring about the unity wherein the judgments that have caused such pain are eliminated. Love and compassion for others cannot exist until there is a goodly supply for self. How can you feel the love of God if you do not love yourself? Are they not one and the same thing?”
A loving relationship with yourself is the key to the love and joy you seek.
When you react strongly to someone, whether positive or negative, its purpose is to draw your attention. You are reacting because you hold a judgment about whatever attribute or situation has prompted your response. As long as you hold judgment of others, you can not find the peace you desire within. Whether you are interested in a Jewish relationship or a Christian relationship, the opportunity exists to learn self-acceptance from these interactions.
In practical terms, your spiritual development will be aided by working to overcome the need to defend yourself or prove another “wrong.” Treating your partner and yourself with compassion, instead of criticism and judgment, will develop the most beautiful relationships we are capable of.
Rodegast and Stanton (1994) state this beautifully:
“There is nothing but love. Don’t let the masks and postures fool you. Love is the glue that holds the Universe together. The greatest need in a soul is to achieve that loving of self which will bring about the unity wherein the judgments that have caused such pain are eliminated. Love and compassion for others cannot exist until there is a goodly supply for self. How can you feel the love of God if you do not love yourself? Are they not one and the same thing?”
A loving relationship with yourself is the key to the love and joy you seek.
Ready for a Relationship?
No matter how much you may want a partner in your life, there are times when being single is the best choice. Ask yourself these questions to start:
-- Am I too young for a relationship? Sexual relationships can be harmful physically and emotionally if you're too young to make good decisions. Young teens may like the idea of dating, but if a boyfriend or girlfriend becomes the focus of your life, you may be missing out on the chance to know other people and grow up socially.
-- Do I have time for a relationship? If you're working every weekend and going to school full-time, when are you going to see your date? If you have full custody of the kids, what arrangements can you make to allow for an adults-only social life? If you're in an intensive grad-school program, can you spare the energy to get to know someone new?
-- Am I over my last relationship? Many experts recommend waiting a year after a divorce or the end of a major relationship before exploring a serious new romance. (Of course, many divorced people violate that "rule" all the time.) If you can't get through a first date without talking about your ex, it's too soon.
-- What have I learned about relationships? Your past romances, the experiences of the people around you, and your interactions with friends all contain lessons about getting along with others, avoiding unhealthy situations, and building strong connections. Knowing your own goals and deal-breakers can help you make good choices.
-- Am I too young for a relationship? Sexual relationships can be harmful physically and emotionally if you're too young to make good decisions. Young teens may like the idea of dating, but if a boyfriend or girlfriend becomes the focus of your life, you may be missing out on the chance to know other people and grow up socially.
-- Do I have time for a relationship? If you're working every weekend and going to school full-time, when are you going to see your date? If you have full custody of the kids, what arrangements can you make to allow for an adults-only social life? If you're in an intensive grad-school program, can you spare the energy to get to know someone new?
-- Am I over my last relationship? Many experts recommend waiting a year after a divorce or the end of a major relationship before exploring a serious new romance. (Of course, many divorced people violate that "rule" all the time.) If you can't get through a first date without talking about your ex, it's too soon.
-- What have I learned about relationships? Your past romances, the experiences of the people around you, and your interactions with friends all contain lessons about getting along with others, avoiding unhealthy situations, and building strong connections. Knowing your own goals and deal-breakers can help you make good choices.
Hearts, Flowers, and Cold Hard Facts
As a relationship progresses, it's tempting to pretend everything's OK even when it isn't. It may be embarrassing to end a relationship when you've told all your friends that this is "The One," but that's a whole lot better than ending up sad, betrayed, and/or broke. Some questions to ask yourself, while you're reveling in the new romance:
-- Do I know my partner's past? Someone who doesn't seem to have a history may be concealing a spouse -- or a prison record.
-- Have I met my partner's friends, roommates, or family? You don't need to have dinner at Mom's every Sunday, but someone who doesn't seem to have any social contacts may be married and cheating, or may be isolating you from people who know his or her real story.
-- Does my partner express anger appropriately? Everyone gets frustrated sometimes. If your partner's anger is out of control, doesn't seem to subside, or if you're somehow the one apologizing every time, there's a pattern of control going on.
-- Does this person seem to be making the relationship a priority? Some people genuinely have tough schedules. Or you may be dating a "player" who is concealing other loves.
-- Does this person seem to rely on alcohol or drugs? An active addict (one who is still using) will ALWAYS put the addiction ahead of everything else.
-- Are words of love accompanied by real listening and consideration for your needs?
-- Has this person asked you for money?
-- Does this person blame others for all his or her troubles?
-- Does this person put you down?
-- Do I know my partner's past? Someone who doesn't seem to have a history may be concealing a spouse -- or a prison record.
-- Have I met my partner's friends, roommates, or family? You don't need to have dinner at Mom's every Sunday, but someone who doesn't seem to have any social contacts may be married and cheating, or may be isolating you from people who know his or her real story.
-- Does my partner express anger appropriately? Everyone gets frustrated sometimes. If your partner's anger is out of control, doesn't seem to subside, or if you're somehow the one apologizing every time, there's a pattern of control going on.
-- Does this person seem to be making the relationship a priority? Some people genuinely have tough schedules. Or you may be dating a "player" who is concealing other loves.
-- Does this person seem to rely on alcohol or drugs? An active addict (one who is still using) will ALWAYS put the addiction ahead of everything else.
-- Are words of love accompanied by real listening and consideration for your needs?
-- Has this person asked you for money?
-- Does this person blame others for all his or her troubles?
-- Does this person put you down?
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