Does your partner have a wandering eye, and ogle other people while with you?
First, it is natural for humans to appreciate beauty in all forms. Just as you might look at a gorgeous sunset, or a beautiful beach, you can appreciate the beauty of a well-formed man or woman.
The question is whether your partner appreciates your unique qualities more than that person, and if he/she shows this appreciation. If your mate is always staring at other people, but rarely compliments you on your own qualities, it is time to remedy this. Sit down and talk about why this happens.
If your partner neglects you in favor of spending time with others, it is time to talk with him/her. A partner should respect the mate over others, and if the choice is a lonely mate or a "fun" friend, the mate should come first.
If you are feeling neglected or overlooked, sit down and talk about this with your partner. Look through the jealousy tips - you need to be realistic about how needy you are, but you also need your partner to respect you.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Dealing With Conflict
Conflict in relationships is exacerbated when we think we must defend ourselves. Given that most people do not intentionally harm those they love, this is illogical. In fact, the majority of things leading to hurt feelings were never meant to have that outcome. No matter how upset you are, make a leap of faith that your partner loves you and wants you to be happy. When you attribute the problem to miscommunication vs. he/she doesn’t care or is trying to hurt you, it diffuses the emotional charge. Once your emotions have stopped telling you to attack or run, you have the benefit of logical thought. As you can imagine, this offers a tad more clarity to your perspective. In turn, resolution of the conflict becomes easier.
Relationship Conflicts
Relationship conflicts are fueled by allowing emotions to dictate behavior. We seem to forget that emotions are just emotions. They are not right or wrong, good or bad. However, when we operate from a place of allowing our emotions to propel, reactions problems result.
Managing conflict becomes much easier when we introduce logic to the process. This does not mean it is good to ignore your feelings. Allow yourself to have whatever emotions you have. Acknowledge them as how you feel. Use them as one form of information. Then, decide how you want to respond to the interpersonal conflict you are faced with.
Reactions are derived from emotions alone. Responses have the advantage of consulting with your brain before taking action.
Managing conflict becomes much easier when we introduce logic to the process. This does not mean it is good to ignore your feelings. Allow yourself to have whatever emotions you have. Acknowledge them as how you feel. Use them as one form of information. Then, decide how you want to respond to the interpersonal conflict you are faced with.
Reactions are derived from emotions alone. Responses have the advantage of consulting with your brain before taking action.
Handling Conflict
Interpersonal conflict, whether family conflict or conflict in the workplace, is often dealt with in nonproductive ways. Two traditional approaches are avoiding conflict and managing conflict. A third option is conflict resolution.
As you can imagine, and probably have experienced, avoiding conflict is problematic. There is no opportunity for resolution and a back log of negative experiences starts to accumulate. These unidentified or unresolved conflicts simmer under the surface causing a general feeling of irritability between the involved parties. Perceptions, feelings and interactions between the parties become colored. Eruptions over minor matters, at seemingly random times, may also occur.
Managing conflict can have a better outcome than avoidance. However, to minimize harm, it must be done in a purposeful way. This is an ongoing process in which goals are set, frequent and honest communication occurs and differences are discussed openly. When actual resolution of the conflict is unlikely, it is best to establish such a plan.
Conflict resolution works to resolve problems in a mutually favorable manner. This approach goes beyond acknowledging and coping with conflict. At its best, it embraces conflict as an invaluable means for achieving ongoing learning and growth .
Viewing conflict as an opportunity for growth can go against instinctive responses. When conflict arises, we often feel attacked. Our fight or flight response may be triggered. We think we must choose between passivity or defense. However, if you don’t personalize the problem (i.e. make it about you) then this level of reaction becomes unneeded. Instead, you can logically look at the situation, open to the other person’s input, and decide together what can be done to help make things better.
As you can imagine, and probably have experienced, avoiding conflict is problematic. There is no opportunity for resolution and a back log of negative experiences starts to accumulate. These unidentified or unresolved conflicts simmer under the surface causing a general feeling of irritability between the involved parties. Perceptions, feelings and interactions between the parties become colored. Eruptions over minor matters, at seemingly random times, may also occur.
Managing conflict can have a better outcome than avoidance. However, to minimize harm, it must be done in a purposeful way. This is an ongoing process in which goals are set, frequent and honest communication occurs and differences are discussed openly. When actual resolution of the conflict is unlikely, it is best to establish such a plan.
Conflict resolution works to resolve problems in a mutually favorable manner. This approach goes beyond acknowledging and coping with conflict. At its best, it embraces conflict as an invaluable means for achieving ongoing learning and growth .
Viewing conflict as an opportunity for growth can go against instinctive responses. When conflict arises, we often feel attacked. Our fight or flight response may be triggered. We think we must choose between passivity or defense. However, if you don’t personalize the problem (i.e. make it about you) then this level of reaction becomes unneeded. Instead, you can logically look at the situation, open to the other person’s input, and decide together what can be done to help make things better.
Resolving Conflicts
The key to managing conflict is always, always keep your eye on the prize. In other words, never lose sight of your goal. Too often we want a certain outcome but our behavior ensures we will get the direct opposite. To illustrate, let’s look at an example: Pretend you want your partner to spend more time with you. There are several things you could do to increase the chances of this happening. Some of these include:
Plan a nice dinner and lovingly tell him/her how much you miss having time together.
Schedule a romantic weekend away as a surprise.
Focus on ways to show your partner how much you appreciate him/her.
However, instead of working in a logical fashion to achieve the goal, emotions tend to take over. This leads to behaviors that move you away from getting what you want. If you don’t keep your goal in mind, you are more likely to:
Yell, blame, demand or ridicule your partner for not spending time with you.
Act annoyed but deny that anything is wrong.
Decrease your own availability to make a point.
Refuse to ask for more time together because it doesn’t “count” if you have to tell him/her what you want.
Although conflict in relationships is inevitable. Resolving conflict becomes much easier if you evaluate what you are trying to achieve. Then, compare your goal to your behavior. Are your actions helping you reach the desired outcome? If not, adjust your plan of action!
Plan a nice dinner and lovingly tell him/her how much you miss having time together.
Schedule a romantic weekend away as a surprise.
Focus on ways to show your partner how much you appreciate him/her.
However, instead of working in a logical fashion to achieve the goal, emotions tend to take over. This leads to behaviors that move you away from getting what you want. If you don’t keep your goal in mind, you are more likely to:
Yell, blame, demand or ridicule your partner for not spending time with you.
Act annoyed but deny that anything is wrong.
Decrease your own availability to make a point.
Refuse to ask for more time together because it doesn’t “count” if you have to tell him/her what you want.
Although conflict in relationships is inevitable. Resolving conflict becomes much easier if you evaluate what you are trying to achieve. Then, compare your goal to your behavior. Are your actions helping you reach the desired outcome? If not, adjust your plan of action!
Dealing With Conflicts
People have varying degrees of comfort with conflict. Some prefer avoiding it at all costs. Unfortunately, those costs tend to increase the longer issues are left unaddressed. Therefore, learning how to manage and resolve conflict is to your benefit. When dealing with conflict:
Treat it as normal and expected. Conflict need not be catastrophic or personal. Conflict is simply part of being human.
Deal with issues as they arise. Avoiding conflict makes situations worse. Time does not resolve matters. Instead, it decreases the chance of a positive outcome.
Attempt to understand the other person’s point of view. Dismissing the other’s views, assigning blame, and exclusive focus on your own perspective are all counterproductive.
Don’t judge emotions. No one’s feelings are more or less “right” than the other’s. Emotions reflect a valid perspective of an individual. Even if you don’t understand it, acknowledge the other person’s reaction as important.
Focus on the behavior, situation or problem area without attacking the person involved.
Do not assume your values or beliefs are “right.” They reflect a view of the world from your unique perspective. Respecting another’s viewpoint as equally valuable opens an opportunity for learning and growth.
Dealing with conflict does not need to be dreaded or feared. Interpersonal conflict is a natural component of human interaction. In fact, if the problem is the object of focus versus the people involved, disagreements can generate new ideas and growth. Dealing with issues as they occur, acknowledging the other party’s feelings and perspective, and avoiding judgment or blame further increase the chance of productive conflict resolution.
Treat it as normal and expected. Conflict need not be catastrophic or personal. Conflict is simply part of being human.
Deal with issues as they arise. Avoiding conflict makes situations worse. Time does not resolve matters. Instead, it decreases the chance of a positive outcome.
Attempt to understand the other person’s point of view. Dismissing the other’s views, assigning blame, and exclusive focus on your own perspective are all counterproductive.
Don’t judge emotions. No one’s feelings are more or less “right” than the other’s. Emotions reflect a valid perspective of an individual. Even if you don’t understand it, acknowledge the other person’s reaction as important.
Focus on the behavior, situation or problem area without attacking the person involved.
Do not assume your values or beliefs are “right.” They reflect a view of the world from your unique perspective. Respecting another’s viewpoint as equally valuable opens an opportunity for learning and growth.
Dealing with conflict does not need to be dreaded or feared. Interpersonal conflict is a natural component of human interaction. In fact, if the problem is the object of focus versus the people involved, disagreements can generate new ideas and growth. Dealing with issues as they occur, acknowledging the other party’s feelings and perspective, and avoiding judgment or blame further increase the chance of productive conflict resolution.
Distance and Space
Two people need to be comfortable with who they are before they can be a full partner to someone else. A partnership works best when both individuals are solid and strong on their own, and look to make a ´better´ situation by going together. If the partners are only together to run from something else, or neglect what they need personally, then things simply aren´t going to work well.
Of course, every individual needs a different amount of space to be content. It could be that the amount you need is to your partner not ´space´ but ´separation´. And indeed, sometimes when people look for space they really want to get away from their partner instead of just in towards themselves. Really think about why you want distance, and then talk to your partner about his/her concerns and the whole situation. Hopefully you´ll find a compromise!
Of course, every individual needs a different amount of space to be content. It could be that the amount you need is to your partner not ´space´ but ´separation´. And indeed, sometimes when people look for space they really want to get away from their partner instead of just in towards themselves. Really think about why you want distance, and then talk to your partner about his/her concerns and the whole situation. Hopefully you´ll find a compromise!
Avoiding Blame: Relationship Advice
Avoiding blame and judgment is important relationship advice. Openly share issues, emotions and concerns without blaming anyone for their existence. Even when you are upset by something your partner has done, challenge yourself to not view your partner’s behavior as “wrong.” While the behavior may be displeasing to you, this does not make you “right.” Your emotions are valid and important, that is different then your reaction being a standard of truth to measure another against. Explain what you thought and how you felt without assigning responsibility to the other person for your reactions. The response you have is based on your experiences, beliefs and assumptions versus the other person’s intent or actions.
Humor as a Relationship Strategy
Many times arguments appear silly once emotions have died down. Sometimes we can’t even remember what started the fight or why we got so upset. In the heat of the moment, however, we tend to take the situation very seriously. Successful relationships develop the ability to take a light approach to conflicts. Recognizing that arguments are inevitable and normal versus catastrophic is helpful. One way to do this is to practice taking a step back when involved in a dispute. See if you can view your contribution to the situation with a sense of humor. Perhaps you can even laugh at yourself. This can interrupt getting stuck in a defensive stance. This in turn allows logic to resume. You will also be more open and responsive to your partner’s feelings. This approach can help couples that are struggling as well as strengthen healthy relationships.
Relationship Commitment
When our partners do something we do not like, we tend to focus on what they did “wrong.” We criticize. We point out what we deem to be their faults. When this approach is taken, your partner will feel judged, hurt, angry. Whether in a new relationship or a long term relationship, this pattern does not build a solid relationship commitment.
A good relationship can be formed, however, by showing empathy and compassion to your partner.
Compassion shares similarities with love but goes beyond it. Compassion removes the judgment we place on individual differences and preferences. It means we approach the spectrum of human qualities with tolerance. This shows support, encourages a sense of safety and trust, and opens honest communication.
A good relationship can be formed, however, by showing empathy and compassion to your partner.
Compassion shares similarities with love but goes beyond it. Compassion removes the judgment we place on individual differences and preferences. It means we approach the spectrum of human qualities with tolerance. This shows support, encourages a sense of safety and trust, and opens honest communication.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Components of Successful Relationships
Long term relationships require care and work to maintain closeness. Common components found in successful relationships include: communication, respect, trust, sharing, individuality and self-care. In addition, it is helpful to approach the challenges and triumphs of life (and the relationship) as a team. Fighting fairly, supporting one another and not holding grudges all help with this goal.
Successful relationships are based on the following components:
· Communication. Listen to your partner. Avoid blame and judgment. Do not make assumptions. Don’t let your emotions dictate your behavior.
· Trust and respect. A sense of trust is present when each person feels safe to be open, honest and genuine. Respect helps build this through not judging or criticizing the other’s opinions, feelings and beliefs.
· Team approach. When tough times hit, try to remember you’re on the same team. You either both win or both lose. Support each other and work together. Relationships are not meant to be a tug of war against each other. In fact, you both should be on the same side pulling against the world.
· Deal with problems as they arise. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Addressing differences one at a time helps avoid bad feelings spoiling a good relationship. Do not hold grudges; work through the matter and let it go.
· Share responsibility and decision making. Healthy relationships are an equal partnership. This applies to the work involved as well as the power dynamics between the couple.
· Fight fair. Judging your partner undermines a relationship. Address behavior without criticizing the person. Know where your partner’s vulnerable spots are and never use these during conflicts.
· Take care of yourself. It is your responsibility to know what you want and determine how to achieve that. Make any requests of your partner clear and direct. It is not okay to blame someone for your failure to assert yourself.
Successful relationships are based on the following components:
· Communication. Listen to your partner. Avoid blame and judgment. Do not make assumptions. Don’t let your emotions dictate your behavior.
· Trust and respect. A sense of trust is present when each person feels safe to be open, honest and genuine. Respect helps build this through not judging or criticizing the other’s opinions, feelings and beliefs.
· Team approach. When tough times hit, try to remember you’re on the same team. You either both win or both lose. Support each other and work together. Relationships are not meant to be a tug of war against each other. In fact, you both should be on the same side pulling against the world.
· Deal with problems as they arise. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Addressing differences one at a time helps avoid bad feelings spoiling a good relationship. Do not hold grudges; work through the matter and let it go.
· Share responsibility and decision making. Healthy relationships are an equal partnership. This applies to the work involved as well as the power dynamics between the couple.
· Fight fair. Judging your partner undermines a relationship. Address behavior without criticizing the person. Know where your partner’s vulnerable spots are and never use these during conflicts.
· Take care of yourself. It is your responsibility to know what you want and determine how to achieve that. Make any requests of your partner clear and direct. It is not okay to blame someone for your failure to assert yourself.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
How to Have a Healthy Relationship
There are reliable tools that can be used to create a healthy relationship, many of which have not been taught in our culture. If you want to have a really healthy relationship, follow these simple guidelines.
Steps:
1-Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Ask yourself why you weren't happy? Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner. Your life is solely under your control, with your relationship you have to take the good with the bad. You need to give as well as take.
2-Make and keep clear agreements. Respect the difference between yourself and your partner. Don't expect he or she agrees with you on everything. Reach a mutual agreement or plan, and then commit to it. If you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time, or call if you're going to be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.
3-Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Many people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Fine, you're right." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that, while you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, you love and share and learn from those experiences. And if you can't reach any kind of mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you are wrong.
4-Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. A true relationship will consist of both partners who need to equally contribute. Not only is that the only type of relationship that will work out, but it will work out in both of your favor.
5-Tell the unarguable truth. Be truthful to yourself and your partner if you want true love. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner. Lies create disconnection between you and your relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it. For any sort of relationship to work you need to have trust.
6-Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a decision of letting go of the past and focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it. If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign. It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment, anger or resentment. Respect your partner, when your partner tells you to leave them alone, do give him or her the time and space.
7-Review your expectations. Try to be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money. Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation.
8-Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: Responsible means having the ability to respond. Respond to the real problem, to your true needs. It does not mean you or your partner are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it and say sorry. You'll be amazed how this works
9-Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.
10-Admit your mistakes and say sorry. Right after a misunderstanding or argument, tell your partner to give you some time to think of the wrong and right things that you and he/she did. Tell your partner to do the same thing and talk to them after 10-15 minutes. Tell your partner to give you time to talk and explain to them why you were angry, the wrong things you did, the things they did that you did not like and what you would like them to change. Ask your partner to do the same thing and give them a fair chance to talk and explain also. This will make your relationship stronger and help strengthen the communication between you and your partner.
11-Spend some quality time together. No matter how busy you two are, there is always an excitement when you do something together, when you share your precious time. Play a sport, eat at a restaurant, watch your favorite movies together. You will feel the magic of love and connection that you have with each other.
12-Laugh. Not only is it true that laughter is the best medicine, but it's also true that laughter can make a great relationship. In a tedious relationship, it is hard to communicate with your partner and share humorous feelings. Not only does laughing establish a connection, it can help keep passionate feelings in perspective.
Steps:
1-Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Ask yourself why you weren't happy? Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner. Your life is solely under your control, with your relationship you have to take the good with the bad. You need to give as well as take.
2-Make and keep clear agreements. Respect the difference between yourself and your partner. Don't expect he or she agrees with you on everything. Reach a mutual agreement or plan, and then commit to it. If you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time, or call if you're going to be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.
3-Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Many people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Fine, you're right." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that, while you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, you love and share and learn from those experiences. And if you can't reach any kind of mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you are wrong.
4-Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. A true relationship will consist of both partners who need to equally contribute. Not only is that the only type of relationship that will work out, but it will work out in both of your favor.
5-Tell the unarguable truth. Be truthful to yourself and your partner if you want true love. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner. Lies create disconnection between you and your relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it. For any sort of relationship to work you need to have trust.
6-Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a decision of letting go of the past and focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it. If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign. It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment, anger or resentment. Respect your partner, when your partner tells you to leave them alone, do give him or her the time and space.
7-Review your expectations. Try to be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money. Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation.
8-Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: Responsible means having the ability to respond. Respond to the real problem, to your true needs. It does not mean you or your partner are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it and say sorry. You'll be amazed how this works
9-Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.
10-Admit your mistakes and say sorry. Right after a misunderstanding or argument, tell your partner to give you some time to think of the wrong and right things that you and he/she did. Tell your partner to do the same thing and talk to them after 10-15 minutes. Tell your partner to give you time to talk and explain to them why you were angry, the wrong things you did, the things they did that you did not like and what you would like them to change. Ask your partner to do the same thing and give them a fair chance to talk and explain also. This will make your relationship stronger and help strengthen the communication between you and your partner.
11-Spend some quality time together. No matter how busy you two are, there is always an excitement when you do something together, when you share your precious time. Play a sport, eat at a restaurant, watch your favorite movies together. You will feel the magic of love and connection that you have with each other.
12-Laugh. Not only is it true that laughter is the best medicine, but it's also true that laughter can make a great relationship. In a tedious relationship, it is hard to communicate with your partner and share humorous feelings. Not only does laughing establish a connection, it can help keep passionate feelings in perspective.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Hearts, Flowers, and Cold Hard Facts
As a relationship progresses, it's tempting to pretend everything's OK even when it isn't. It may be embarrassing to end a relationship when you've told all your friends that this is "The One," but that's a whole lot better than ending up sad, betrayed, and/or broke. Some questions to ask yourself, while you're reveling in the new romance:
-- Do I know my partner's past? Someone who doesn't seem to have a history may be concealing a spouse -- or a prison record.
-- Have I met my partner's friends, roommates, or family? You don't need to have dinner at Mom's every Sunday, but someone who doesn't seem to have any social contacts may be married and cheating, or may be isolating you from people who know his or her real story.
-- Does my partner express anger appropriately? Everyone gets frustrated sometimes. If your partner's anger is out of control, doesn't seem to subside, or if you're somehow the one apologizing every time, there's a pattern of control going on.
-- Does this person seem to be making the relationship a priority? Some people genuinely have tough schedules. Or you may be dating a "player" who is concealing other loves.
-- Does this person seem to rely on alcohol or drugs? An active addict (one who is still using) will ALWAYS put the addiction ahead of everything else.
-- Are words of love accompanied by real listening and consideration for your needs?
-- Has this person asked you for money?
-- Does this person blame others for all his or her troubles?
-- Does this person put you down?
-- Do I know my partner's past? Someone who doesn't seem to have a history may be concealing a spouse -- or a prison record.
-- Have I met my partner's friends, roommates, or family? You don't need to have dinner at Mom's every Sunday, but someone who doesn't seem to have any social contacts may be married and cheating, or may be isolating you from people who know his or her real story.
-- Does my partner express anger appropriately? Everyone gets frustrated sometimes. If your partner's anger is out of control, doesn't seem to subside, or if you're somehow the one apologizing every time, there's a pattern of control going on.
-- Does this person seem to be making the relationship a priority? Some people genuinely have tough schedules. Or you may be dating a "player" who is concealing other loves.
-- Does this person seem to rely on alcohol or drugs? An active addict (one who is still using) will ALWAYS put the addiction ahead of everything else.
-- Are words of love accompanied by real listening and consideration for your needs?
-- Has this person asked you for money?
-- Does this person blame others for all his or her troubles?
-- Does this person put you down?
What to Do on Dates
Dating is a time to learn more about someone. Many people make the mistake of giving away their hearts too easily, without understanding more about their partners.
-- Movie or TV dates don't offer you a chance to learn that much about the other person because you're spending time watching the show. Try to spend time together afterward, and discuss what you've seen. Use this time to as questions and learn about your partner's attitudes.
-- Often, people on a date find awkward silences growing between you. Try to use this time to ask an open-ended question -- not a "yes" or "no" one -- about your partner's attitudes, past experiences, future goals and dreams.
-- A good way to get to know someone is to accomplish something together -- climbing a mountain, baking cookies, doing volunteer work, helping put on an event.
-- Don't try to surprise your date until you know his or her tastes. Not everyone enjoys balloon rides, slasher movies, or art classes.
-- Board games can teach you a lot about how your date views competition, winning, and losing.
-- After a few dates, slowly introduce your partner to the people who are important in your life. Watch how he or she interacts with them. Be wary of someone who wants to cut you off from your friends or family.
-- Movie or TV dates don't offer you a chance to learn that much about the other person because you're spending time watching the show. Try to spend time together afterward, and discuss what you've seen. Use this time to as questions and learn about your partner's attitudes.
-- Often, people on a date find awkward silences growing between you. Try to use this time to ask an open-ended question -- not a "yes" or "no" one -- about your partner's attitudes, past experiences, future goals and dreams.
-- A good way to get to know someone is to accomplish something together -- climbing a mountain, baking cookies, doing volunteer work, helping put on an event.
-- Don't try to surprise your date until you know his or her tastes. Not everyone enjoys balloon rides, slasher movies, or art classes.
-- Board games can teach you a lot about how your date views competition, winning, and losing.
-- After a few dates, slowly introduce your partner to the people who are important in your life. Watch how he or she interacts with them. Be wary of someone who wants to cut you off from your friends or family.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Before You Get Engaged
Despite romantic stories of down-on-one-knee proposals, most couples these days just decide together that it's time to get engaged. If you're at that point, or almost there, here are some things to think about before an engagement:
-- Why are you getting married?
-- What do you both envision for your life together?
-- Do you want children? If so, how many? Will one of you quit or cut back on work to raise them?
-- Do you want to live in the city? Country? Abroad?
-- What are your joint financial goals? How are you going to reach them?
-- How do you plan to balance "couple time" with "independent time"?
It's entirely likely that you will disagree on one or more of these issues. Having these discussions now, speaking honestly and making agreements in consensus, may save you a great deal of trouble after the marriage.
Frequently, the process of planning a wedding brings out differences in the ways you handle conflict, family expectations, household responsibilities, and social obligations. These, too, are opportunities for shared learning and growth (or, in extreme cases, signs that you should walk away now).
-- Why are you getting married?
-- What do you both envision for your life together?
-- Do you want children? If so, how many? Will one of you quit or cut back on work to raise them?
-- Do you want to live in the city? Country? Abroad?
-- What are your joint financial goals? How are you going to reach them?
-- How do you plan to balance "couple time" with "independent time"?
It's entirely likely that you will disagree on one or more of these issues. Having these discussions now, speaking honestly and making agreements in consensus, may save you a great deal of trouble after the marriage.
Frequently, the process of planning a wedding brings out differences in the ways you handle conflict, family expectations, household responsibilities, and social obligations. These, too, are opportunities for shared learning and growth (or, in extreme cases, signs that you should walk away now).
Talk Money Before Moving In Together
Moving in together is a huge step and a sign of a committed partnership between two people. Relationships break up quickly over problems and misunderstandings about money so have a serious discussion before any time is spent looking for the little bungalow and white picket fence.
1. Decide if the communal bills are going to be paid by one person or both, in other words, which checkbook will the monthly expenses come out of? Who is designated to physically pay the bill? Even if expenses are shared evenly, nothing starts an argument faster than having the electricity shut off when someone didn’t know they were supposed to pay the bill.
2. Decide how the monthly expenses such as rent, food and utilities are going to be divided each month. Having equality in these areas is the best way to start out. This way, each party is responsible for his or her own money.
3. Keep separate checking accounts. One of the worst mistakes two people make when living together is to combine checking accounts. Combined checking accounts are a topic for after the wedding, not at this stage of the relationship.
4. Decide in the beginning if asking to borrow money is “okay” or not. Every person runs out of money at the end of the month from time to time, so discuss if asking for a loan is going to work for each of you. Many people aren’t comfortable giving money to their partner and loans feel impersonal. Discuss your feelings about this before the situation comes up.
5. Talk about your philosophy regarding money before you move in together. Are you a saver or a spender? Does shopping and spending money make you ‘feel’ better? Are you living together to ‘save money’ on expenses? Does one person earn a lot more money than the other person and how does that feel?
Know yourself and your own personal beliefs about money and then discuss that with your partner. Get every detail regarding finances out on the table and this goes a long way to stopping arguments about money in the future.
1. Decide if the communal bills are going to be paid by one person or both, in other words, which checkbook will the monthly expenses come out of? Who is designated to physically pay the bill? Even if expenses are shared evenly, nothing starts an argument faster than having the electricity shut off when someone didn’t know they were supposed to pay the bill.
2. Decide how the monthly expenses such as rent, food and utilities are going to be divided each month. Having equality in these areas is the best way to start out. This way, each party is responsible for his or her own money.
3. Keep separate checking accounts. One of the worst mistakes two people make when living together is to combine checking accounts. Combined checking accounts are a topic for after the wedding, not at this stage of the relationship.
4. Decide in the beginning if asking to borrow money is “okay” or not. Every person runs out of money at the end of the month from time to time, so discuss if asking for a loan is going to work for each of you. Many people aren’t comfortable giving money to their partner and loans feel impersonal. Discuss your feelings about this before the situation comes up.
5. Talk about your philosophy regarding money before you move in together. Are you a saver or a spender? Does shopping and spending money make you ‘feel’ better? Are you living together to ‘save money’ on expenses? Does one person earn a lot more money than the other person and how does that feel?
Know yourself and your own personal beliefs about money and then discuss that with your partner. Get every detail regarding finances out on the table and this goes a long way to stopping arguments about money in the future.
Friday, September 4, 2009
So, Why Are You Not With Your Soulmate? by: Joanne B. Parrotta?
What’s keeping you and your ideal partner apart? Is it because finding and connecting with your soulmate is hard? No, I really don’t think so. In fact, meeting your ideal partner is not at all difficult.
Many people came to me and say, “Joanne, I’ve done the inner and outer work that you suggested in your book, A Matter of Destiny, so why haven’t I met my soulmate yet?” Unfortunately, it’s hard to say when your beloved will be given to you, as the timing is out of our hands. The sooner you accept this, the easier life will be for you. We must allow the universe to unfold in its own time.
There are many possible reasons why you have not yet reunited with your destined love. Before you can connect with your true love, you must first identify and let go of any beliefs that may be sabotaging your efforts. Here are some reasons for the wait:
• Unfinished business with someone else (this is a big one)
• Lack of confidence and self-love
• Fear of getting what you really want
• Karma (a spiritual debt may need to be balanced)
• Commitment issues
• Capacity to love
• Control issues
• Old emotional wounds
As you can see from this list, the only thing stopping you from connecting with your loved one is you.
You can, however, speed things along by working on yourself and dealing with some of the issues that may be keeping you apart. Of course, the more quickly you do your inner work and develop the qualities you want in your mate, the sooner you will connect. Those who are comfortable in their own skins are ready to connect with their beloved.
Quality love comes when we least expect it and when we are emotionally ready for it. While you may meet your soulmate before you are completely ready, the chances that the two of you will connect at this time are slim. Here is a little scenario to demonstrate this point:
You get a last minute invitation to a party. You have had a hard day at work and are tempted to decline, but change your mind at the last minute. A few minutes after you arrive, you notice a handsome man across the room. You lock eyes and smile at each other, but much to your disappointment he is with someone. As time goes on you often think about that handsome stranger. Approximately one year later you meet him at a work-related seminar, only now he is no longer in a relationship. He asks you out and the rest, as they say, is history.
Why do you think you had to wait a year after your first meeting to connect with your soulmate? Because when you first met, he had unfinished business with someone else, and you probably had a few issues you needed to work on as well.
When looking for the right love, patience is definitely called for. Trust and know in your heart of hearts that a wonderful love will be given to you when the time is right for both of you. You could be oceans apart, but somehow, somewhere you will find a way to connect. Have faith, and faith will deliver your soulmate. Your meeting is a matter of destiny.
Many people came to me and say, “Joanne, I’ve done the inner and outer work that you suggested in your book, A Matter of Destiny, so why haven’t I met my soulmate yet?” Unfortunately, it’s hard to say when your beloved will be given to you, as the timing is out of our hands. The sooner you accept this, the easier life will be for you. We must allow the universe to unfold in its own time.
There are many possible reasons why you have not yet reunited with your destined love. Before you can connect with your true love, you must first identify and let go of any beliefs that may be sabotaging your efforts. Here are some reasons for the wait:
• Unfinished business with someone else (this is a big one)
• Lack of confidence and self-love
• Fear of getting what you really want
• Karma (a spiritual debt may need to be balanced)
• Commitment issues
• Capacity to love
• Control issues
• Old emotional wounds
As you can see from this list, the only thing stopping you from connecting with your loved one is you.
You can, however, speed things along by working on yourself and dealing with some of the issues that may be keeping you apart. Of course, the more quickly you do your inner work and develop the qualities you want in your mate, the sooner you will connect. Those who are comfortable in their own skins are ready to connect with their beloved.
Quality love comes when we least expect it and when we are emotionally ready for it. While you may meet your soulmate before you are completely ready, the chances that the two of you will connect at this time are slim. Here is a little scenario to demonstrate this point:
You get a last minute invitation to a party. You have had a hard day at work and are tempted to decline, but change your mind at the last minute. A few minutes after you arrive, you notice a handsome man across the room. You lock eyes and smile at each other, but much to your disappointment he is with someone. As time goes on you often think about that handsome stranger. Approximately one year later you meet him at a work-related seminar, only now he is no longer in a relationship. He asks you out and the rest, as they say, is history.
Why do you think you had to wait a year after your first meeting to connect with your soulmate? Because when you first met, he had unfinished business with someone else, and you probably had a few issues you needed to work on as well.
When looking for the right love, patience is definitely called for. Trust and know in your heart of hearts that a wonderful love will be given to you when the time is right for both of you. You could be oceans apart, but somehow, somewhere you will find a way to connect. Have faith, and faith will deliver your soulmate. Your meeting is a matter of destiny.
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