ne of the most common questions we hear is, "How do we make our relationship work?" The answers are complicated, varied, and, after a while, can start to sound like muddled platitudes. But these commonplace sayings get repeated because they work. With this in mind, we pulled together 12 cliches that, in fact, reveal simple, tried-and-true advice for having a healthy, happy relationship. Read on and let us know what you think:
1. Mind your manners. "Please," "thank you" and "you're welcome," can go a long way in helping your partner remember that you respect and love him and don't take him for granted.
2. Variety is the spice of life. Studies have shown that dullness can lead to dissatisfaction with a relationship. Trying something new can be as simple as visiting an unfamiliar restaurant or as grand as a backpacking trip through Sri Lanka. Discoveries you make together will keep you feeling close.
ne of the most common questions we hear is, "How do we make our relationship work?" The answers are complicated, varied, and, after a while, can start to sound like muddled platitudes. But these commonplace sayings get repeated because they work. With this in mind, we pulled together 12 cliches that, in fact, reveal simple, tried-and-true advice for having a healthy, happy relationship. Read on and let us know what you think:
1. Mind your manners. "Please," "thank you" and "you're welcome," can go a long way in helping your partner remember that you respect and love him and don't take him for granted.
2. Variety is the spice of life. Studies have shown that dullness can lead to dissatisfaction with a relationship. Trying something new can be as simple as visiting an unfamiliar restaurant or as grand as a backpacking trip through Sri Lanka. Discoveries you make together will keep you feeling close.
3.The couple that plays together, stays together. Find a sport or hobby that you both love (no, watching TV does not count) and make that a priority in your relationship. Camping, biking, building model trains... whatever it is, find something you enjoy doing together.
4. Fight right. In order to have productive arguments, keep these rules in mind. Don't call your spouse names. When things get really tough, take a break from the argument. Let the other person finish his/her sentences. Don't initiate a discussion when you're angry.
5. I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine. No one likes demands (unless you're in a BDSM role play), but everyone can appreciate a compromise. If you want your lover to do something and you're not sure he'll be agreeable, the quickest way to avoid a confrontation is to sweeten the deal. For example: "Sure, I'll watch Monday Night Football if you take me to see the next movie of my choice."
6. Two heads are better than one. Being in a relationship basically means you've made a merger; you've not only joined assets but inherited the other's problems as well. Rather than looking at his problems as merely his own, tackle them together. For example, if he's gaining weight, rather than pushing him to diet on his own, enroll in an exercise program together.
7. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Maintain your own friendships and occasionally have a night out without your significant other. Doing things without your s.o. not only makes you miss him or her, it also keeps you sane. And, in case the relationship doesn't work out, you'll still have your friends.
8. Sound it out. It other words: communicate! Talking out the tough subjects—money, religion, fidelity, raising kids—will not be the most fun you've had, but it'll be valuable.
9. Laughter is the best medicine. Learn to laugh at yourself and at silly mistakes. If he throws your $300 cashmere sweater in the dryer, laughing it off is, in the long run, better than getting angry. It's is just a $300 cashmere sweater, not the end of the world.
10. Keep your eyes on the prize. Yes, he forgot your co-worker's name for the tenth time, but it probably doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. If you keep your perspective fixed on the goal—to be in a happy, functioning partnership—you're less likely to get tangled up in every minor annoyance. Remember, you both want the same thing.
11. Quitters never win. Find a ritual and keep it alive, no matter what. Whether it's always kissing each other good night, renewing wedding vows every year, sleeping in as late as you want once a month or committing to having sex once a week, pick something that makes you both feel good and stick to it, even when you're tempted to skip.
12. When the going gets tough, the tough get going... to therapy. Studies show that couples who seek counseling during rocky periods are more successful in resolving their issues than those who don't. Whether its from a religious figure, counselor or mental health professional, getting an expert to help sort out strife is as wise as forgoing self-installation and hiring a plumber to put in a new sink.
What keeps your relationship strong? Let us know in the comments.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Is it Possible to Make Women Happy?- Deniz Selcuk
Although, even women themselves may accept that to make women happy requires some effort, it is not very hard to do and is perfectly possible. After all, what men get after making their women happy can be infinite happiness and is certainly worth trying.
What a woman wants from her partner is generally much simpler then what a man might think. Many times women only need to talk. However, even this simple need may cause complex problems in a relationship and men start to believe that it is impossible to make women happy.
In reality, the problem occurs because of huge differences between men and women. When a woman wants to talk, she may just want to talk. On the other hand, when a woman starts talking, her partner may automatically try to solve the problem or to declare his opinions to everything she mentions. Actually, what a woman needs many times is only her partner's attention to what she is saying and to be listened to.
Another complex issue between women and men is one that actually unbelievably simple. It is a very well known fact that women want men to buy flowers for them. But men insistently think that it is very banal and old fashioned to buy flowers to their women. Even this simple issue may cause problems in a relationship, and men unfairly start to believe that to make women happy is not possible. Actually, what women want is to be thought of by their man and being showed it in a romantic way.
What men should do actually is that instead of making themselves believe hopelessly that women can't be made happy, they should start doing little things that they have always ignored. For example, they should call their women couple of times a day for no reason and just for insuring her that, regardless of how busy they are, they still think their women.
Finally, if men really want to make women happy, they should start doing the simple but always ignored things. Some of those things include sending flowers to their women unexpectedly, taking them to a romantic bar to listen to live music, or maybe leaving them a romantic note.
If you fail to make your woman happy and if you loose her love you may need to get some useful advice from a relationship expert.
What a woman wants from her partner is generally much simpler then what a man might think. Many times women only need to talk. However, even this simple need may cause complex problems in a relationship and men start to believe that it is impossible to make women happy.
In reality, the problem occurs because of huge differences between men and women. When a woman wants to talk, she may just want to talk. On the other hand, when a woman starts talking, her partner may automatically try to solve the problem or to declare his opinions to everything she mentions. Actually, what a woman needs many times is only her partner's attention to what she is saying and to be listened to.
Another complex issue between women and men is one that actually unbelievably simple. It is a very well known fact that women want men to buy flowers for them. But men insistently think that it is very banal and old fashioned to buy flowers to their women. Even this simple issue may cause problems in a relationship, and men unfairly start to believe that to make women happy is not possible. Actually, what women want is to be thought of by their man and being showed it in a romantic way.
What men should do actually is that instead of making themselves believe hopelessly that women can't be made happy, they should start doing little things that they have always ignored. For example, they should call their women couple of times a day for no reason and just for insuring her that, regardless of how busy they are, they still think their women.
Finally, if men really want to make women happy, they should start doing the simple but always ignored things. Some of those things include sending flowers to their women unexpectedly, taking them to a romantic bar to listen to live music, or maybe leaving them a romantic note.
If you fail to make your woman happy and if you loose her love you may need to get some useful advice from a relationship expert.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
3 Things Men Can't Resist in a Woman
A Woman Who Smiles (more powerful than you might realize)
A woman who smiles makes it easier for a man to approach her by conveying an attitude of confidence, warmth and playfulness. Since many women are fearful of giving men the wrong impression, they frequently guard their smiles.
While this approach is safer, it inadvertently sends the wrong message that she is someone who is overly cautious because she has been hurt.
In addition, smiling is a sign of acceptance. Men often need some signal that it is safe to approach a woman before they’re willing to risk introducing themselves (unless they are intoxicated).
A Woman Who Listens (instead of dominating the conversation)
Women are generally perceived as rarely really listening to men, at least not beyond a few minutes. Most of the time, a few minutes is all men really need. But since most men hate to be rejected, it is easier for them to keep conversations superficial. Men expect most women to want to talk, rather than be willing to listen.
If they happen to meet a woman who listens with her eyes (looks at him while he’s talking) as well as her ears, they are intrigued. If she continues to listen and not take over the conversation, she’s the kind of woman that men can’t resist and will eventually marry.
A Woman Who Dresses Feminine (men are really visual)
Everyone knows that men are visual. However, women often forget just how helpless men are to what they see. The right visual stimulation can hypnotize any man. Unfortunately, women hear this and often become fearful. They mistakenly believe that men only notice perfect women.
Forget perfect! If you really want to be noticed by men, think colors, dresses and curves. Men basically like any woman who has that soft and cuddly quality. It isn’t that men don’t find women attractive in pants or when they are dressed comfortably – they just don’t notice them as easily. It doesn’t catch their eye like sparkly earrings, pretty colors or flowing dresses and long hair does.
Conversely, a powerfully dressed woman (think lots of red) makes most men think of sex, or not notice her at all. She may have a soft side, but if men can’t see it, they often don’t know it exists. The more feminine (softer) a woman dresses, the more men she will attract.
A woman who smiles makes it easier for a man to approach her by conveying an attitude of confidence, warmth and playfulness. Since many women are fearful of giving men the wrong impression, they frequently guard their smiles.
While this approach is safer, it inadvertently sends the wrong message that she is someone who is overly cautious because she has been hurt.
In addition, smiling is a sign of acceptance. Men often need some signal that it is safe to approach a woman before they’re willing to risk introducing themselves (unless they are intoxicated).
A Woman Who Listens (instead of dominating the conversation)
Women are generally perceived as rarely really listening to men, at least not beyond a few minutes. Most of the time, a few minutes is all men really need. But since most men hate to be rejected, it is easier for them to keep conversations superficial. Men expect most women to want to talk, rather than be willing to listen.
If they happen to meet a woman who listens with her eyes (looks at him while he’s talking) as well as her ears, they are intrigued. If she continues to listen and not take over the conversation, she’s the kind of woman that men can’t resist and will eventually marry.
A Woman Who Dresses Feminine (men are really visual)
Everyone knows that men are visual. However, women often forget just how helpless men are to what they see. The right visual stimulation can hypnotize any man. Unfortunately, women hear this and often become fearful. They mistakenly believe that men only notice perfect women.
Forget perfect! If you really want to be noticed by men, think colors, dresses and curves. Men basically like any woman who has that soft and cuddly quality. It isn’t that men don’t find women attractive in pants or when they are dressed comfortably – they just don’t notice them as easily. It doesn’t catch their eye like sparkly earrings, pretty colors or flowing dresses and long hair does.
Conversely, a powerfully dressed woman (think lots of red) makes most men think of sex, or not notice her at all. She may have a soft side, but if men can’t see it, they often don’t know it exists. The more feminine (softer) a woman dresses, the more men she will attract.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
25 tips for relationship success by Susan Quilliam
What's the key to successful relationships? Here, Susan Quilliam reveals the simple things you need to know to deepen your partnership and make your relationship work
1. Without quality time, your relationship will not survive. Carve out at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when you the two of you spend time exclusively together.
2. You will both need security, comfort. A good relationship is built on compromise and a great deal of give and take on both sides.
3. Keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell and show your partner how much you need him, but don't cling, as that can make your partner feel trapped.
4. Encourage him to listen to you, by showing appreciation when he does. By the same token, show interest when he talks to you. Be aware that most men aren't mentally programmed for conversation in the way women are. They need more silence and internal time.
5. Make him appreciate you. Don't wait for a spontaneous compliment, but say something good about yourself and ask for his agreement.
6. Teach him, preferably early in your relationship, exactly how to give you a fail-safe orgasm because it's unlikely he'll find out alone. If you don't yet know yourself, find out.
7. Learn to do the one thing that is most likely to restore good feeling in your relationship - giving your partner a genuine, loving and approving smile.
8.Often those subtle quirks that first attracted you to your partner can, with time, turn around and become toe-curlingly annoying habits. Learn to love him, warts and all.
9. Hidden resentments poison a relationship; so if something bothers you, say it. Remember that while men are wary of emotional conversations, they love to find solutions. Express your problem and then ask him to help you find the answer.
10. Learn that punishing your partner won't work. It may make you feel better to give him a hard time, but it will actually make him dig his heels in more. A better tactic is to reward the things you like and ignore what you don't like.
11. Money is the number one cause of couple conflict. For a relationship to work, you need to address your finances and work out a budget.
12. If the domestic work is not divided fairly between you, it will cause friction in your relationship. Make a list of the domestic tasks, talk it through with your partner and mobilise the whole family, your partner included, to share the work.
13. If you have children, involve your partner as much as possible with the childcare - even if you feel he's not as good as it at you are. It's important to present a united front to your children.
14. Sort out your sex life. The sex may ebb and flow over the years, but if sex starts going downhill, don't just accept it. As soon as you notice a slide, question why and then work at bringing the passion back.
15. Don't assume you won't be tempted to have an affair as almost everyone is. You need to learn to resist. If you do stray, don't feel it spells the end of your relationship. Most couples recover, particularly from a one-night-stand, and often find that unrooting the cause of the affair helps them to get even closer. So, you need to learn to resist. But don't think that an affair is the end of everything.
16. Remember that boredom typically covers up anger. If you feel bored with him, ask yourself what you're angry about.
17. Be aware that men generally feel overwhelmed by emotion more than women do. If he's angry or tearful, half an hour's 'unflooding' time to himself will help get his balance back and make him more able to interact positively with you.
18. Learn how to argue well. The trick is to never say anything that you wouldn't want to hear said to you.
19. Research suggests you need five positive experiences to erase the memory of one negative experience. So give five kind words for each bitchy comment. Give five hugs for each cold shoulder.
20. Learn how to negotiate. Each of you states what you want, then both of you work together to find a way forward.
21. Accept the things that won't change. Some characteristics about your partner are there for life - and you have to face that.
22. Learn to forgive. If you know you will never forgive your partner over something important, then give him - and yourself - a break and start again, with someone else.
23. Realise that the two of you will shift and change over the years. So, even if you think you understand him, or believe you have agreements sorted, check regularly - at least once a year - to make sure that neither of you has changed your mind.
24. Know when to leave. If your life aims are incompatible, there are heavy drugs or violence around, or if there is consistently more pain than pleasure, then walk before the relationship destroys you.
25. Don't think that going to counselling equals failure. It can turn a bad relationship around. It can turn an average relationship into a brilliant one
1. Without quality time, your relationship will not survive. Carve out at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when you the two of you spend time exclusively together.
2. You will both need security, comfort. A good relationship is built on compromise and a great deal of give and take on both sides.
3. Keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell and show your partner how much you need him, but don't cling, as that can make your partner feel trapped.
4. Encourage him to listen to you, by showing appreciation when he does. By the same token, show interest when he talks to you. Be aware that most men aren't mentally programmed for conversation in the way women are. They need more silence and internal time.
5. Make him appreciate you. Don't wait for a spontaneous compliment, but say something good about yourself and ask for his agreement.
6. Teach him, preferably early in your relationship, exactly how to give you a fail-safe orgasm because it's unlikely he'll find out alone. If you don't yet know yourself, find out.
7. Learn to do the one thing that is most likely to restore good feeling in your relationship - giving your partner a genuine, loving and approving smile.
8.Often those subtle quirks that first attracted you to your partner can, with time, turn around and become toe-curlingly annoying habits. Learn to love him, warts and all.
9. Hidden resentments poison a relationship; so if something bothers you, say it. Remember that while men are wary of emotional conversations, they love to find solutions. Express your problem and then ask him to help you find the answer.
10. Learn that punishing your partner won't work. It may make you feel better to give him a hard time, but it will actually make him dig his heels in more. A better tactic is to reward the things you like and ignore what you don't like.
11. Money is the number one cause of couple conflict. For a relationship to work, you need to address your finances and work out a budget.
12. If the domestic work is not divided fairly between you, it will cause friction in your relationship. Make a list of the domestic tasks, talk it through with your partner and mobilise the whole family, your partner included, to share the work.
13. If you have children, involve your partner as much as possible with the childcare - even if you feel he's not as good as it at you are. It's important to present a united front to your children.
14. Sort out your sex life. The sex may ebb and flow over the years, but if sex starts going downhill, don't just accept it. As soon as you notice a slide, question why and then work at bringing the passion back.
15. Don't assume you won't be tempted to have an affair as almost everyone is. You need to learn to resist. If you do stray, don't feel it spells the end of your relationship. Most couples recover, particularly from a one-night-stand, and often find that unrooting the cause of the affair helps them to get even closer. So, you need to learn to resist. But don't think that an affair is the end of everything.
16. Remember that boredom typically covers up anger. If you feel bored with him, ask yourself what you're angry about.
17. Be aware that men generally feel overwhelmed by emotion more than women do. If he's angry or tearful, half an hour's 'unflooding' time to himself will help get his balance back and make him more able to interact positively with you.
18. Learn how to argue well. The trick is to never say anything that you wouldn't want to hear said to you.
19. Research suggests you need five positive experiences to erase the memory of one negative experience. So give five kind words for each bitchy comment. Give five hugs for each cold shoulder.
20. Learn how to negotiate. Each of you states what you want, then both of you work together to find a way forward.
21. Accept the things that won't change. Some characteristics about your partner are there for life - and you have to face that.
22. Learn to forgive. If you know you will never forgive your partner over something important, then give him - and yourself - a break and start again, with someone else.
23. Realise that the two of you will shift and change over the years. So, even if you think you understand him, or believe you have agreements sorted, check regularly - at least once a year - to make sure that neither of you has changed your mind.
24. Know when to leave. If your life aims are incompatible, there are heavy drugs or violence around, or if there is consistently more pain than pleasure, then walk before the relationship destroys you.
25. Don't think that going to counselling equals failure. It can turn a bad relationship around. It can turn an average relationship into a brilliant one
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Virtuous woman by Tracie Justice
A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman—who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls… (Proverbs 31:10 AMP)
When considering all the characteristics and personal attributes of the woman described in Proverbs, it’s easy for women in this era of busy-ness (or, “the microwave generation”) to feel inadequate and devalued in comparison. However, our loving Father did not provide this example of a Godly woman to condemn us for our own shortcomings, but to provide a successful role model for us to imitate. (Hebrews 6:12)
The Proverb’s woman is shown as trustworthy, peaceable, charitable, committed, wise, and responsible. She accomplishes many things in her life: she’s a wife, mother, homemaker, teacher, peacemaker, confidant, investor, gardener, cloth maker, seamstress, designer of good things, trader, saleswoman, distributor, speaker, and intercessor, to name just a few. But we must always remember that all she is, all she learns, and everything she accomplishes in her life came through a process. She is NEVER all of these things at one time! As she matures in knowing God’s ways, HE graduates her to each progressive level of glory, little by little—increasing her more and more—one small step at a time. (2 Corinthians 3:18; Exodus 23:30; Psalm 115:14)
Therefore, sisters, let’s not be so hard on ourselves for falling short of our Father’s glory as His Proverb’s woman. For God, alone, is the Author of His plan for our lives so only He can bring it to full completion—NOT us!
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city]! (Proverbs 31:30 AMP)
When considering all the characteristics and personal attributes of the woman described in Proverbs, it’s easy for women in this era of busy-ness (or, “the microwave generation”) to feel inadequate and devalued in comparison. However, our loving Father did not provide this example of a Godly woman to condemn us for our own shortcomings, but to provide a successful role model for us to imitate. (Hebrews 6:12)
The Proverb’s woman is shown as trustworthy, peaceable, charitable, committed, wise, and responsible. She accomplishes many things in her life: she’s a wife, mother, homemaker, teacher, peacemaker, confidant, investor, gardener, cloth maker, seamstress, designer of good things, trader, saleswoman, distributor, speaker, and intercessor, to name just a few. But we must always remember that all she is, all she learns, and everything she accomplishes in her life came through a process. She is NEVER all of these things at one time! As she matures in knowing God’s ways, HE graduates her to each progressive level of glory, little by little—increasing her more and more—one small step at a time. (2 Corinthians 3:18; Exodus 23:30; Psalm 115:14)
Therefore, sisters, let’s not be so hard on ourselves for falling short of our Father’s glory as His Proverb’s woman. For God, alone, is the Author of His plan for our lives so only He can bring it to full completion—NOT us!
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city]! (Proverbs 31:30 AMP)
Monday, October 12, 2009
Are You Being Authentic in Your Relationship?
"Authenticity occurs when the head and the heart meet at the lips; when what we think and what we feel is congruent with what we say and do." - Dr. Carl Hammerschlag, Speaker, Author, Healer
Dr. Hammerschlag's quote about sums it up, right? Are you talking the talk and not walking the walk? Are you experiencing the same problems in your relationship that you had last year? Are you living your relationship as an example you would want others to emulate? Are you living in sync with your own values and principles? When you're not authentic, who are you?
Being authentic is the key to truly happy, healthy relationships. It is not possible to be happy without being true to yourself. Unfortunately many people live their entire lives never discovering their authentic self. It is not only a matter of focusing on yourself, but also involves deliberation about how your commitments make a contribution to the good of the relationship.
Being authentic is being genuine. Being genuine is being true to the commitments you have made to each other. It means standing up for what is real. None of the fake persona we often see. The temptation to be fake, phony, or misleading is centered on the desire to feel smart, important, or better than someone else. That is your ego speaking. Shed those pretences. Not being authentic demands a lot of misguided energy. Being authentic is easy. It's being fake that is difficult.
I'm certain that you know you can fool some of the people some of the time (even yourself), but not all of the people all of the time. Authenticity reduces phoniness to nothing.
It seems to me that being authentic begins with being true to yourself. It's knowing that deep within, you know beyond a doubt that who you being is the real you. When you live an authentic life, you are living a life that resonates with your inner being, free from relationships that limit possibilities. Living authentically means to be happy with who you are, as you are. Living with authenticity is a journey that will lead you to your incredible self.
Carol Adrienne, Ph.D., says, "The voice of the authentic self seems to be the same as the intuitive voice, that quiet, but persistent voice that whispers new ideas to us in the middle of the night, on vacation, or after meditating. Intuition speaks in short; clear messages that are qualitatively different from the repetitive mind chatter that makes us feel anxious. Intuition tells us where the authentic choice is - for us."
The truth is, most people are intuitive and can feel when something is not right. They know when you are not being honest with them or yourself.
Shakespeare gave us this ethical principle: "This above all - to thine own self be true." It's practicing greatness - even when no one else is watching. We must learn to live in a way that expresses our real desires, principles and demonstrates our character. When our behavior doesn't match our values, we are not living authentically.
It's not trying to be someone you think your partner wants you to be. It's not doing what you do to just get by, it's doing whatever it takes to have your partner feel assured that you are who you say you are and are consistently doing what's right.
Demonstrating authenticity in your relationship is a prerequisite to having a healthy relationship. It certainly helps if you have a specific intention to be that way.
The great thing about authenticity is that it releases you from the requirement to be perfect. No one is perfect. Just be you own good self.
Authenticity is only one piece of the relationship puzzle. And it is an important piece. Strive to be honest in the sense of allowing your behavior and conversation to be a true and spontaneous expression of your inner feelings.
Being authentic is to be able to live with your guard down; to be venerable; to be able to be yourself, not someone that someone else thinks you should be.
Being authentic requires a balance between being forthright and gaining the interpersonal skillfulness that allows you to be more sensitive and caring to your partner. It means that what you say, what you mean, what you intend, and what you do, are all in alignment and You are worthy of trust and belief. Authenticity means that you are living with integrity, and aspiring to all the wonderful joys life has to offer and doing it with a peaceful heart.
Only when you have evolved into clarity and authenticity by resolving the conflicts, confusion, and self-doubt within, will you be accepted, respected and listened to by your partner. There is great power in being an example of authenticity to your partner.
Being authentic can be defined as unquestionable congruent living - the moment-to-moment alignment of your sincere thoughts, values, emotions and actions. - Anisa Aven
Perhaps your relationship would be much better if you spend less time trying to convince yourself that you are being authentic and more time demonstrating authenticity to your partner. The truth of who you are must be lived not just believed. Once these truths are discovered, you must bring them to life by living them through conscious action. It is through action not thought that you become authentic. Intention to be authentic is great however your actions always speak louder than your words.
The truth is you cannot not be authentic. Even a counterfeit one hundred dollar bill is a genuine counterfeit bill - it is what it is, a very real counterfeit one hundred dollar bill. You have your own personality. Be that. Be authentic. You are what you are doing.
Dr. Hammerschlag's quote about sums it up, right? Are you talking the talk and not walking the walk? Are you experiencing the same problems in your relationship that you had last year? Are you living your relationship as an example you would want others to emulate? Are you living in sync with your own values and principles? When you're not authentic, who are you?
Being authentic is the key to truly happy, healthy relationships. It is not possible to be happy without being true to yourself. Unfortunately many people live their entire lives never discovering their authentic self. It is not only a matter of focusing on yourself, but also involves deliberation about how your commitments make a contribution to the good of the relationship.
Being authentic is being genuine. Being genuine is being true to the commitments you have made to each other. It means standing up for what is real. None of the fake persona we often see. The temptation to be fake, phony, or misleading is centered on the desire to feel smart, important, or better than someone else. That is your ego speaking. Shed those pretences. Not being authentic demands a lot of misguided energy. Being authentic is easy. It's being fake that is difficult.
I'm certain that you know you can fool some of the people some of the time (even yourself), but not all of the people all of the time. Authenticity reduces phoniness to nothing.
It seems to me that being authentic begins with being true to yourself. It's knowing that deep within, you know beyond a doubt that who you being is the real you. When you live an authentic life, you are living a life that resonates with your inner being, free from relationships that limit possibilities. Living authentically means to be happy with who you are, as you are. Living with authenticity is a journey that will lead you to your incredible self.
Carol Adrienne, Ph.D., says, "The voice of the authentic self seems to be the same as the intuitive voice, that quiet, but persistent voice that whispers new ideas to us in the middle of the night, on vacation, or after meditating. Intuition speaks in short; clear messages that are qualitatively different from the repetitive mind chatter that makes us feel anxious. Intuition tells us where the authentic choice is - for us."
The truth is, most people are intuitive and can feel when something is not right. They know when you are not being honest with them or yourself.
Shakespeare gave us this ethical principle: "This above all - to thine own self be true." It's practicing greatness - even when no one else is watching. We must learn to live in a way that expresses our real desires, principles and demonstrates our character. When our behavior doesn't match our values, we are not living authentically.
It's not trying to be someone you think your partner wants you to be. It's not doing what you do to just get by, it's doing whatever it takes to have your partner feel assured that you are who you say you are and are consistently doing what's right.
Demonstrating authenticity in your relationship is a prerequisite to having a healthy relationship. It certainly helps if you have a specific intention to be that way.
The great thing about authenticity is that it releases you from the requirement to be perfect. No one is perfect. Just be you own good self.
Authenticity is only one piece of the relationship puzzle. And it is an important piece. Strive to be honest in the sense of allowing your behavior and conversation to be a true and spontaneous expression of your inner feelings.
Being authentic is to be able to live with your guard down; to be venerable; to be able to be yourself, not someone that someone else thinks you should be.
Being authentic requires a balance between being forthright and gaining the interpersonal skillfulness that allows you to be more sensitive and caring to your partner. It means that what you say, what you mean, what you intend, and what you do, are all in alignment and You are worthy of trust and belief. Authenticity means that you are living with integrity, and aspiring to all the wonderful joys life has to offer and doing it with a peaceful heart.
Only when you have evolved into clarity and authenticity by resolving the conflicts, confusion, and self-doubt within, will you be accepted, respected and listened to by your partner. There is great power in being an example of authenticity to your partner.
Being authentic can be defined as unquestionable congruent living - the moment-to-moment alignment of your sincere thoughts, values, emotions and actions. - Anisa Aven
Perhaps your relationship would be much better if you spend less time trying to convince yourself that you are being authentic and more time demonstrating authenticity to your partner. The truth of who you are must be lived not just believed. Once these truths are discovered, you must bring them to life by living them through conscious action. It is through action not thought that you become authentic. Intention to be authentic is great however your actions always speak louder than your words.
The truth is you cannot not be authentic. Even a counterfeit one hundred dollar bill is a genuine counterfeit bill - it is what it is, a very real counterfeit one hundred dollar bill. You have your own personality. Be that. Be authentic. You are what you are doing.
Friday, October 9, 2009
WHY ARE SOME WOMEN SINGLE? Venusian Art
1. You're too spiritual. You talk about God more than Jesus did. Can you communicate without it turning into a sermonette? I love the Lord. I truly do. But, I don't want to hear about God 24/7. There is a thing called BALANCE. Can we just talk? But, if you spend more time at church than a Baptist pew, I guess the Bible is the only thing that can come out of you.
2. Your standards are unrealistic. You are requiring that he bring to the table what you can't bring yourself. You want Denzel, yet you're content with being Aunt Esther. God may have the two of you to buy a load of wood and build a table together.
3. You compare him to your girlfriend's husband or your pastor. You assume you know who God has for you based on who God had for them. Did Eve choose Adam or was Adam chosen for her?
4. You're mad. All of your friends are mad. You hadn't gotten over yesterday. Your next man doesn't even know your last man. Why are you holding him hostage in the history of your pain he had nothing to do with? You have too many buttons. Certain buttons should disappear once you're healed.
5. You fellowship in all of the wrong places. Your husband may not be at church. Your husband may not even know the Lord. He may see you on aisle 3 and be so overwhelmed by you that he drives straight over to Damascus Road.
6. You want your husband "ready-made". You want him to come READY for you. HE doesn't even know you! Besides, were you made for him or was he made for you? You refuse to employ faith. You want to SEE him NOW.
7. Your expectations are too low. You don't believe they're any good Godly men left. As a woman thinketh in heart, so is she. You expect the worse and have your expectations met. You look for everything wrong and don't even notice what's right. Many woen have NO clue who a good man truly is. MAny women can't even get along with a man that she doesn't feel she needs to change.
8. You hadn't maxed out your singleness. You're simply not ready...and that's ok! Allow God to keep molding and shaping you.
9. You want him to take you as you are. He may not want a cigarette smoking sailor. Comb your hair. Brush your teeth. Pick your feet up when you walk. Have some self-respect. And by all means - PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.
10. You want to be married so bad you seem desperate. I can't speak for all men, but I don't want to be hunted. I wanted to do the hunting. Every man you meet will not be your husband. Stop seeing him at the wedding. Can you just see him for who is he today? Can you leave your expectations at home and just chill?
11. You're looking for the wrong things. You're looking for what the man drives opposed to what drives the man.
12. You have no idea who you are. You were created to help him. What are you qualified to do? Who are you exactly?
13. He can't tell you anything. Unless you hear it from your pastor or parent, you ain'trying to hear it. No real man wants an unteachable woman. I agree that you may know a great many things. But, you don't know everything and can only speculate what being a man truly is.
14. You want to bring your past into your future. Your friends may not be invited into your marriage. Why do you have to check with your girls? Why do you have all of these casual male friends? Yet, you expect him to automatically understand that. If they don't have a purpose that will edifiy the relationship - they don;t have a valid reason to be there.
15. You want to share headship. Just because you have more education, earn more money, have a higher credit score and can speak better English, does NOT qualify you to head a man. Nothing you will ever do will give you that role. Sure, a wise man will submit to your strengths; but at the beginning and end of every day, he's still your covering.
16. You're playing sex games. You agree to the wrong environment, get all hot and bothered and demand that he not expect anything. If he isn't strong enough to resist, which most men won't be, you say he's not from God and blame ALL of it on him.
17. You skip past FRIENDSHIP. Every man you encounter, you're interviewing as if he's your husband. Just interview for friendship and nothing more. Don't lay all of your cards on the table unless he has laid all of his on the table. Until then, just talk about the weather. Many women are hurting and discouraged unnecessarily because they take this premature failure personally. Every man you meet will NOT be the one.
2. Your standards are unrealistic. You are requiring that he bring to the table what you can't bring yourself. You want Denzel, yet you're content with being Aunt Esther. God may have the two of you to buy a load of wood and build a table together.
3. You compare him to your girlfriend's husband or your pastor. You assume you know who God has for you based on who God had for them. Did Eve choose Adam or was Adam chosen for her?
4. You're mad. All of your friends are mad. You hadn't gotten over yesterday. Your next man doesn't even know your last man. Why are you holding him hostage in the history of your pain he had nothing to do with? You have too many buttons. Certain buttons should disappear once you're healed.
5. You fellowship in all of the wrong places. Your husband may not be at church. Your husband may not even know the Lord. He may see you on aisle 3 and be so overwhelmed by you that he drives straight over to Damascus Road.
6. You want your husband "ready-made". You want him to come READY for you. HE doesn't even know you! Besides, were you made for him or was he made for you? You refuse to employ faith. You want to SEE him NOW.
7. Your expectations are too low. You don't believe they're any good Godly men left. As a woman thinketh in heart, so is she. You expect the worse and have your expectations met. You look for everything wrong and don't even notice what's right. Many woen have NO clue who a good man truly is. MAny women can't even get along with a man that she doesn't feel she needs to change.
8. You hadn't maxed out your singleness. You're simply not ready...and that's ok! Allow God to keep molding and shaping you.
9. You want him to take you as you are. He may not want a cigarette smoking sailor. Comb your hair. Brush your teeth. Pick your feet up when you walk. Have some self-respect. And by all means - PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.
10. You want to be married so bad you seem desperate. I can't speak for all men, but I don't want to be hunted. I wanted to do the hunting. Every man you meet will not be your husband. Stop seeing him at the wedding. Can you just see him for who is he today? Can you leave your expectations at home and just chill?
11. You're looking for the wrong things. You're looking for what the man drives opposed to what drives the man.
12. You have no idea who you are. You were created to help him. What are you qualified to do? Who are you exactly?
13. He can't tell you anything. Unless you hear it from your pastor or parent, you ain'trying to hear it. No real man wants an unteachable woman. I agree that you may know a great many things. But, you don't know everything and can only speculate what being a man truly is.
14. You want to bring your past into your future. Your friends may not be invited into your marriage. Why do you have to check with your girls? Why do you have all of these casual male friends? Yet, you expect him to automatically understand that. If they don't have a purpose that will edifiy the relationship - they don;t have a valid reason to be there.
15. You want to share headship. Just because you have more education, earn more money, have a higher credit score and can speak better English, does NOT qualify you to head a man. Nothing you will ever do will give you that role. Sure, a wise man will submit to your strengths; but at the beginning and end of every day, he's still your covering.
16. You're playing sex games. You agree to the wrong environment, get all hot and bothered and demand that he not expect anything. If he isn't strong enough to resist, which most men won't be, you say he's not from God and blame ALL of it on him.
17. You skip past FRIENDSHIP. Every man you encounter, you're interviewing as if he's your husband. Just interview for friendship and nothing more. Don't lay all of your cards on the table unless he has laid all of his on the table. Until then, just talk about the weather. Many women are hurting and discouraged unnecessarily because they take this premature failure personally. Every man you meet will NOT be the one.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Wandering Eye
Does your partner have a wandering eye, and ogle other people while with you?
First, it is natural for humans to appreciate beauty in all forms. Just as you might look at a gorgeous sunset, or a beautiful beach, you can appreciate the beauty of a well-formed man or woman.
The question is whether your partner appreciates your unique qualities more than that person, and if he/she shows this appreciation. If your mate is always staring at other people, but rarely compliments you on your own qualities, it is time to remedy this. Sit down and talk about why this happens.
If your partner neglects you in favor of spending time with others, it is time to talk with him/her. A partner should respect the mate over others, and if the choice is a lonely mate or a "fun" friend, the mate should come first.
If you are feeling neglected or overlooked, sit down and talk about this with your partner. Look through the jealousy tips - you need to be realistic about how needy you are, but you also need your partner to respect you.
First, it is natural for humans to appreciate beauty in all forms. Just as you might look at a gorgeous sunset, or a beautiful beach, you can appreciate the beauty of a well-formed man or woman.
The question is whether your partner appreciates your unique qualities more than that person, and if he/she shows this appreciation. If your mate is always staring at other people, but rarely compliments you on your own qualities, it is time to remedy this. Sit down and talk about why this happens.
If your partner neglects you in favor of spending time with others, it is time to talk with him/her. A partner should respect the mate over others, and if the choice is a lonely mate or a "fun" friend, the mate should come first.
If you are feeling neglected or overlooked, sit down and talk about this with your partner. Look through the jealousy tips - you need to be realistic about how needy you are, but you also need your partner to respect you.
Dealing With Conflict
Conflict in relationships is exacerbated when we think we must defend ourselves. Given that most people do not intentionally harm those they love, this is illogical. In fact, the majority of things leading to hurt feelings were never meant to have that outcome. No matter how upset you are, make a leap of faith that your partner loves you and wants you to be happy. When you attribute the problem to miscommunication vs. he/she doesn’t care or is trying to hurt you, it diffuses the emotional charge. Once your emotions have stopped telling you to attack or run, you have the benefit of logical thought. As you can imagine, this offers a tad more clarity to your perspective. In turn, resolution of the conflict becomes easier.
Relationship Conflicts
Relationship conflicts are fueled by allowing emotions to dictate behavior. We seem to forget that emotions are just emotions. They are not right or wrong, good or bad. However, when we operate from a place of allowing our emotions to propel, reactions problems result.
Managing conflict becomes much easier when we introduce logic to the process. This does not mean it is good to ignore your feelings. Allow yourself to have whatever emotions you have. Acknowledge them as how you feel. Use them as one form of information. Then, decide how you want to respond to the interpersonal conflict you are faced with.
Reactions are derived from emotions alone. Responses have the advantage of consulting with your brain before taking action.
Managing conflict becomes much easier when we introduce logic to the process. This does not mean it is good to ignore your feelings. Allow yourself to have whatever emotions you have. Acknowledge them as how you feel. Use them as one form of information. Then, decide how you want to respond to the interpersonal conflict you are faced with.
Reactions are derived from emotions alone. Responses have the advantage of consulting with your brain before taking action.
Handling Conflict
Interpersonal conflict, whether family conflict or conflict in the workplace, is often dealt with in nonproductive ways. Two traditional approaches are avoiding conflict and managing conflict. A third option is conflict resolution.
As you can imagine, and probably have experienced, avoiding conflict is problematic. There is no opportunity for resolution and a back log of negative experiences starts to accumulate. These unidentified or unresolved conflicts simmer under the surface causing a general feeling of irritability between the involved parties. Perceptions, feelings and interactions between the parties become colored. Eruptions over minor matters, at seemingly random times, may also occur.
Managing conflict can have a better outcome than avoidance. However, to minimize harm, it must be done in a purposeful way. This is an ongoing process in which goals are set, frequent and honest communication occurs and differences are discussed openly. When actual resolution of the conflict is unlikely, it is best to establish such a plan.
Conflict resolution works to resolve problems in a mutually favorable manner. This approach goes beyond acknowledging and coping with conflict. At its best, it embraces conflict as an invaluable means for achieving ongoing learning and growth .
Viewing conflict as an opportunity for growth can go against instinctive responses. When conflict arises, we often feel attacked. Our fight or flight response may be triggered. We think we must choose between passivity or defense. However, if you don’t personalize the problem (i.e. make it about you) then this level of reaction becomes unneeded. Instead, you can logically look at the situation, open to the other person’s input, and decide together what can be done to help make things better.
As you can imagine, and probably have experienced, avoiding conflict is problematic. There is no opportunity for resolution and a back log of negative experiences starts to accumulate. These unidentified or unresolved conflicts simmer under the surface causing a general feeling of irritability between the involved parties. Perceptions, feelings and interactions between the parties become colored. Eruptions over minor matters, at seemingly random times, may also occur.
Managing conflict can have a better outcome than avoidance. However, to minimize harm, it must be done in a purposeful way. This is an ongoing process in which goals are set, frequent and honest communication occurs and differences are discussed openly. When actual resolution of the conflict is unlikely, it is best to establish such a plan.
Conflict resolution works to resolve problems in a mutually favorable manner. This approach goes beyond acknowledging and coping with conflict. At its best, it embraces conflict as an invaluable means for achieving ongoing learning and growth .
Viewing conflict as an opportunity for growth can go against instinctive responses. When conflict arises, we often feel attacked. Our fight or flight response may be triggered. We think we must choose between passivity or defense. However, if you don’t personalize the problem (i.e. make it about you) then this level of reaction becomes unneeded. Instead, you can logically look at the situation, open to the other person’s input, and decide together what can be done to help make things better.
Resolving Conflicts
The key to managing conflict is always, always keep your eye on the prize. In other words, never lose sight of your goal. Too often we want a certain outcome but our behavior ensures we will get the direct opposite. To illustrate, let’s look at an example: Pretend you want your partner to spend more time with you. There are several things you could do to increase the chances of this happening. Some of these include:
Plan a nice dinner and lovingly tell him/her how much you miss having time together.
Schedule a romantic weekend away as a surprise.
Focus on ways to show your partner how much you appreciate him/her.
However, instead of working in a logical fashion to achieve the goal, emotions tend to take over. This leads to behaviors that move you away from getting what you want. If you don’t keep your goal in mind, you are more likely to:
Yell, blame, demand or ridicule your partner for not spending time with you.
Act annoyed but deny that anything is wrong.
Decrease your own availability to make a point.
Refuse to ask for more time together because it doesn’t “count” if you have to tell him/her what you want.
Although conflict in relationships is inevitable. Resolving conflict becomes much easier if you evaluate what you are trying to achieve. Then, compare your goal to your behavior. Are your actions helping you reach the desired outcome? If not, adjust your plan of action!
Plan a nice dinner and lovingly tell him/her how much you miss having time together.
Schedule a romantic weekend away as a surprise.
Focus on ways to show your partner how much you appreciate him/her.
However, instead of working in a logical fashion to achieve the goal, emotions tend to take over. This leads to behaviors that move you away from getting what you want. If you don’t keep your goal in mind, you are more likely to:
Yell, blame, demand or ridicule your partner for not spending time with you.
Act annoyed but deny that anything is wrong.
Decrease your own availability to make a point.
Refuse to ask for more time together because it doesn’t “count” if you have to tell him/her what you want.
Although conflict in relationships is inevitable. Resolving conflict becomes much easier if you evaluate what you are trying to achieve. Then, compare your goal to your behavior. Are your actions helping you reach the desired outcome? If not, adjust your plan of action!
Dealing With Conflicts
People have varying degrees of comfort with conflict. Some prefer avoiding it at all costs. Unfortunately, those costs tend to increase the longer issues are left unaddressed. Therefore, learning how to manage and resolve conflict is to your benefit. When dealing with conflict:
Treat it as normal and expected. Conflict need not be catastrophic or personal. Conflict is simply part of being human.
Deal with issues as they arise. Avoiding conflict makes situations worse. Time does not resolve matters. Instead, it decreases the chance of a positive outcome.
Attempt to understand the other person’s point of view. Dismissing the other’s views, assigning blame, and exclusive focus on your own perspective are all counterproductive.
Don’t judge emotions. No one’s feelings are more or less “right” than the other’s. Emotions reflect a valid perspective of an individual. Even if you don’t understand it, acknowledge the other person’s reaction as important.
Focus on the behavior, situation or problem area without attacking the person involved.
Do not assume your values or beliefs are “right.” They reflect a view of the world from your unique perspective. Respecting another’s viewpoint as equally valuable opens an opportunity for learning and growth.
Dealing with conflict does not need to be dreaded or feared. Interpersonal conflict is a natural component of human interaction. In fact, if the problem is the object of focus versus the people involved, disagreements can generate new ideas and growth. Dealing with issues as they occur, acknowledging the other party’s feelings and perspective, and avoiding judgment or blame further increase the chance of productive conflict resolution.
Treat it as normal and expected. Conflict need not be catastrophic or personal. Conflict is simply part of being human.
Deal with issues as they arise. Avoiding conflict makes situations worse. Time does not resolve matters. Instead, it decreases the chance of a positive outcome.
Attempt to understand the other person’s point of view. Dismissing the other’s views, assigning blame, and exclusive focus on your own perspective are all counterproductive.
Don’t judge emotions. No one’s feelings are more or less “right” than the other’s. Emotions reflect a valid perspective of an individual. Even if you don’t understand it, acknowledge the other person’s reaction as important.
Focus on the behavior, situation or problem area without attacking the person involved.
Do not assume your values or beliefs are “right.” They reflect a view of the world from your unique perspective. Respecting another’s viewpoint as equally valuable opens an opportunity for learning and growth.
Dealing with conflict does not need to be dreaded or feared. Interpersonal conflict is a natural component of human interaction. In fact, if the problem is the object of focus versus the people involved, disagreements can generate new ideas and growth. Dealing with issues as they occur, acknowledging the other party’s feelings and perspective, and avoiding judgment or blame further increase the chance of productive conflict resolution.
Distance and Space
Two people need to be comfortable with who they are before they can be a full partner to someone else. A partnership works best when both individuals are solid and strong on their own, and look to make a ´better´ situation by going together. If the partners are only together to run from something else, or neglect what they need personally, then things simply aren´t going to work well.
Of course, every individual needs a different amount of space to be content. It could be that the amount you need is to your partner not ´space´ but ´separation´. And indeed, sometimes when people look for space they really want to get away from their partner instead of just in towards themselves. Really think about why you want distance, and then talk to your partner about his/her concerns and the whole situation. Hopefully you´ll find a compromise!
Of course, every individual needs a different amount of space to be content. It could be that the amount you need is to your partner not ´space´ but ´separation´. And indeed, sometimes when people look for space they really want to get away from their partner instead of just in towards themselves. Really think about why you want distance, and then talk to your partner about his/her concerns and the whole situation. Hopefully you´ll find a compromise!
Avoiding Blame: Relationship Advice
Avoiding blame and judgment is important relationship advice. Openly share issues, emotions and concerns without blaming anyone for their existence. Even when you are upset by something your partner has done, challenge yourself to not view your partner’s behavior as “wrong.” While the behavior may be displeasing to you, this does not make you “right.” Your emotions are valid and important, that is different then your reaction being a standard of truth to measure another against. Explain what you thought and how you felt without assigning responsibility to the other person for your reactions. The response you have is based on your experiences, beliefs and assumptions versus the other person’s intent or actions.
Humor as a Relationship Strategy
Many times arguments appear silly once emotions have died down. Sometimes we can’t even remember what started the fight or why we got so upset. In the heat of the moment, however, we tend to take the situation very seriously. Successful relationships develop the ability to take a light approach to conflicts. Recognizing that arguments are inevitable and normal versus catastrophic is helpful. One way to do this is to practice taking a step back when involved in a dispute. See if you can view your contribution to the situation with a sense of humor. Perhaps you can even laugh at yourself. This can interrupt getting stuck in a defensive stance. This in turn allows logic to resume. You will also be more open and responsive to your partner’s feelings. This approach can help couples that are struggling as well as strengthen healthy relationships.
Relationship Commitment
When our partners do something we do not like, we tend to focus on what they did “wrong.” We criticize. We point out what we deem to be their faults. When this approach is taken, your partner will feel judged, hurt, angry. Whether in a new relationship or a long term relationship, this pattern does not build a solid relationship commitment.
A good relationship can be formed, however, by showing empathy and compassion to your partner.
Compassion shares similarities with love but goes beyond it. Compassion removes the judgment we place on individual differences and preferences. It means we approach the spectrum of human qualities with tolerance. This shows support, encourages a sense of safety and trust, and opens honest communication.
A good relationship can be formed, however, by showing empathy and compassion to your partner.
Compassion shares similarities with love but goes beyond it. Compassion removes the judgment we place on individual differences and preferences. It means we approach the spectrum of human qualities with tolerance. This shows support, encourages a sense of safety and trust, and opens honest communication.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Components of Successful Relationships
Long term relationships require care and work to maintain closeness. Common components found in successful relationships include: communication, respect, trust, sharing, individuality and self-care. In addition, it is helpful to approach the challenges and triumphs of life (and the relationship) as a team. Fighting fairly, supporting one another and not holding grudges all help with this goal.
Successful relationships are based on the following components:
· Communication. Listen to your partner. Avoid blame and judgment. Do not make assumptions. Don’t let your emotions dictate your behavior.
· Trust and respect. A sense of trust is present when each person feels safe to be open, honest and genuine. Respect helps build this through not judging or criticizing the other’s opinions, feelings and beliefs.
· Team approach. When tough times hit, try to remember you’re on the same team. You either both win or both lose. Support each other and work together. Relationships are not meant to be a tug of war against each other. In fact, you both should be on the same side pulling against the world.
· Deal with problems as they arise. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Addressing differences one at a time helps avoid bad feelings spoiling a good relationship. Do not hold grudges; work through the matter and let it go.
· Share responsibility and decision making. Healthy relationships are an equal partnership. This applies to the work involved as well as the power dynamics between the couple.
· Fight fair. Judging your partner undermines a relationship. Address behavior without criticizing the person. Know where your partner’s vulnerable spots are and never use these during conflicts.
· Take care of yourself. It is your responsibility to know what you want and determine how to achieve that. Make any requests of your partner clear and direct. It is not okay to blame someone for your failure to assert yourself.
Successful relationships are based on the following components:
· Communication. Listen to your partner. Avoid blame and judgment. Do not make assumptions. Don’t let your emotions dictate your behavior.
· Trust and respect. A sense of trust is present when each person feels safe to be open, honest and genuine. Respect helps build this through not judging or criticizing the other’s opinions, feelings and beliefs.
· Team approach. When tough times hit, try to remember you’re on the same team. You either both win or both lose. Support each other and work together. Relationships are not meant to be a tug of war against each other. In fact, you both should be on the same side pulling against the world.
· Deal with problems as they arise. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Addressing differences one at a time helps avoid bad feelings spoiling a good relationship. Do not hold grudges; work through the matter and let it go.
· Share responsibility and decision making. Healthy relationships are an equal partnership. This applies to the work involved as well as the power dynamics between the couple.
· Fight fair. Judging your partner undermines a relationship. Address behavior without criticizing the person. Know where your partner’s vulnerable spots are and never use these during conflicts.
· Take care of yourself. It is your responsibility to know what you want and determine how to achieve that. Make any requests of your partner clear and direct. It is not okay to blame someone for your failure to assert yourself.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
How to Have a Healthy Relationship
There are reliable tools that can be used to create a healthy relationship, many of which have not been taught in our culture. If you want to have a really healthy relationship, follow these simple guidelines.
Steps:
1-Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Ask yourself why you weren't happy? Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner. Your life is solely under your control, with your relationship you have to take the good with the bad. You need to give as well as take.
2-Make and keep clear agreements. Respect the difference between yourself and your partner. Don't expect he or she agrees with you on everything. Reach a mutual agreement or plan, and then commit to it. If you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time, or call if you're going to be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.
3-Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Many people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Fine, you're right." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that, while you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, you love and share and learn from those experiences. And if you can't reach any kind of mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you are wrong.
4-Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. A true relationship will consist of both partners who need to equally contribute. Not only is that the only type of relationship that will work out, but it will work out in both of your favor.
5-Tell the unarguable truth. Be truthful to yourself and your partner if you want true love. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner. Lies create disconnection between you and your relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it. For any sort of relationship to work you need to have trust.
6-Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a decision of letting go of the past and focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it. If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign. It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment, anger or resentment. Respect your partner, when your partner tells you to leave them alone, do give him or her the time and space.
7-Review your expectations. Try to be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money. Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation.
8-Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: Responsible means having the ability to respond. Respond to the real problem, to your true needs. It does not mean you or your partner are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it and say sorry. You'll be amazed how this works
9-Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.
10-Admit your mistakes and say sorry. Right after a misunderstanding or argument, tell your partner to give you some time to think of the wrong and right things that you and he/she did. Tell your partner to do the same thing and talk to them after 10-15 minutes. Tell your partner to give you time to talk and explain to them why you were angry, the wrong things you did, the things they did that you did not like and what you would like them to change. Ask your partner to do the same thing and give them a fair chance to talk and explain also. This will make your relationship stronger and help strengthen the communication between you and your partner.
11-Spend some quality time together. No matter how busy you two are, there is always an excitement when you do something together, when you share your precious time. Play a sport, eat at a restaurant, watch your favorite movies together. You will feel the magic of love and connection that you have with each other.
12-Laugh. Not only is it true that laughter is the best medicine, but it's also true that laughter can make a great relationship. In a tedious relationship, it is hard to communicate with your partner and share humorous feelings. Not only does laughing establish a connection, it can help keep passionate feelings in perspective.
Steps:
1-Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Ask yourself why you weren't happy? Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner. Your life is solely under your control, with your relationship you have to take the good with the bad. You need to give as well as take.
2-Make and keep clear agreements. Respect the difference between yourself and your partner. Don't expect he or she agrees with you on everything. Reach a mutual agreement or plan, and then commit to it. If you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time, or call if you're going to be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.
3-Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Many people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Fine, you're right." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that, while you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, you love and share and learn from those experiences. And if you can't reach any kind of mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you are wrong.
4-Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. A true relationship will consist of both partners who need to equally contribute. Not only is that the only type of relationship that will work out, but it will work out in both of your favor.
5-Tell the unarguable truth. Be truthful to yourself and your partner if you want true love. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner. Lies create disconnection between you and your relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it. For any sort of relationship to work you need to have trust.
6-Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a decision of letting go of the past and focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it. If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign. It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment, anger or resentment. Respect your partner, when your partner tells you to leave them alone, do give him or her the time and space.
7-Review your expectations. Try to be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money. Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation.
8-Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: Responsible means having the ability to respond. Respond to the real problem, to your true needs. It does not mean you or your partner are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it and say sorry. You'll be amazed how this works
9-Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.
10-Admit your mistakes and say sorry. Right after a misunderstanding or argument, tell your partner to give you some time to think of the wrong and right things that you and he/she did. Tell your partner to do the same thing and talk to them after 10-15 minutes. Tell your partner to give you time to talk and explain to them why you were angry, the wrong things you did, the things they did that you did not like and what you would like them to change. Ask your partner to do the same thing and give them a fair chance to talk and explain also. This will make your relationship stronger and help strengthen the communication between you and your partner.
11-Spend some quality time together. No matter how busy you two are, there is always an excitement when you do something together, when you share your precious time. Play a sport, eat at a restaurant, watch your favorite movies together. You will feel the magic of love and connection that you have with each other.
12-Laugh. Not only is it true that laughter is the best medicine, but it's also true that laughter can make a great relationship. In a tedious relationship, it is hard to communicate with your partner and share humorous feelings. Not only does laughing establish a connection, it can help keep passionate feelings in perspective.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Hearts, Flowers, and Cold Hard Facts
As a relationship progresses, it's tempting to pretend everything's OK even when it isn't. It may be embarrassing to end a relationship when you've told all your friends that this is "The One," but that's a whole lot better than ending up sad, betrayed, and/or broke. Some questions to ask yourself, while you're reveling in the new romance:
-- Do I know my partner's past? Someone who doesn't seem to have a history may be concealing a spouse -- or a prison record.
-- Have I met my partner's friends, roommates, or family? You don't need to have dinner at Mom's every Sunday, but someone who doesn't seem to have any social contacts may be married and cheating, or may be isolating you from people who know his or her real story.
-- Does my partner express anger appropriately? Everyone gets frustrated sometimes. If your partner's anger is out of control, doesn't seem to subside, or if you're somehow the one apologizing every time, there's a pattern of control going on.
-- Does this person seem to be making the relationship a priority? Some people genuinely have tough schedules. Or you may be dating a "player" who is concealing other loves.
-- Does this person seem to rely on alcohol or drugs? An active addict (one who is still using) will ALWAYS put the addiction ahead of everything else.
-- Are words of love accompanied by real listening and consideration for your needs?
-- Has this person asked you for money?
-- Does this person blame others for all his or her troubles?
-- Does this person put you down?
-- Do I know my partner's past? Someone who doesn't seem to have a history may be concealing a spouse -- or a prison record.
-- Have I met my partner's friends, roommates, or family? You don't need to have dinner at Mom's every Sunday, but someone who doesn't seem to have any social contacts may be married and cheating, or may be isolating you from people who know his or her real story.
-- Does my partner express anger appropriately? Everyone gets frustrated sometimes. If your partner's anger is out of control, doesn't seem to subside, or if you're somehow the one apologizing every time, there's a pattern of control going on.
-- Does this person seem to be making the relationship a priority? Some people genuinely have tough schedules. Or you may be dating a "player" who is concealing other loves.
-- Does this person seem to rely on alcohol or drugs? An active addict (one who is still using) will ALWAYS put the addiction ahead of everything else.
-- Are words of love accompanied by real listening and consideration for your needs?
-- Has this person asked you for money?
-- Does this person blame others for all his or her troubles?
-- Does this person put you down?
What to Do on Dates
Dating is a time to learn more about someone. Many people make the mistake of giving away their hearts too easily, without understanding more about their partners.
-- Movie or TV dates don't offer you a chance to learn that much about the other person because you're spending time watching the show. Try to spend time together afterward, and discuss what you've seen. Use this time to as questions and learn about your partner's attitudes.
-- Often, people on a date find awkward silences growing between you. Try to use this time to ask an open-ended question -- not a "yes" or "no" one -- about your partner's attitudes, past experiences, future goals and dreams.
-- A good way to get to know someone is to accomplish something together -- climbing a mountain, baking cookies, doing volunteer work, helping put on an event.
-- Don't try to surprise your date until you know his or her tastes. Not everyone enjoys balloon rides, slasher movies, or art classes.
-- Board games can teach you a lot about how your date views competition, winning, and losing.
-- After a few dates, slowly introduce your partner to the people who are important in your life. Watch how he or she interacts with them. Be wary of someone who wants to cut you off from your friends or family.
-- Movie or TV dates don't offer you a chance to learn that much about the other person because you're spending time watching the show. Try to spend time together afterward, and discuss what you've seen. Use this time to as questions and learn about your partner's attitudes.
-- Often, people on a date find awkward silences growing between you. Try to use this time to ask an open-ended question -- not a "yes" or "no" one -- about your partner's attitudes, past experiences, future goals and dreams.
-- A good way to get to know someone is to accomplish something together -- climbing a mountain, baking cookies, doing volunteer work, helping put on an event.
-- Don't try to surprise your date until you know his or her tastes. Not everyone enjoys balloon rides, slasher movies, or art classes.
-- Board games can teach you a lot about how your date views competition, winning, and losing.
-- After a few dates, slowly introduce your partner to the people who are important in your life. Watch how he or she interacts with them. Be wary of someone who wants to cut you off from your friends or family.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Before You Get Engaged
Despite romantic stories of down-on-one-knee proposals, most couples these days just decide together that it's time to get engaged. If you're at that point, or almost there, here are some things to think about before an engagement:
-- Why are you getting married?
-- What do you both envision for your life together?
-- Do you want children? If so, how many? Will one of you quit or cut back on work to raise them?
-- Do you want to live in the city? Country? Abroad?
-- What are your joint financial goals? How are you going to reach them?
-- How do you plan to balance "couple time" with "independent time"?
It's entirely likely that you will disagree on one or more of these issues. Having these discussions now, speaking honestly and making agreements in consensus, may save you a great deal of trouble after the marriage.
Frequently, the process of planning a wedding brings out differences in the ways you handle conflict, family expectations, household responsibilities, and social obligations. These, too, are opportunities for shared learning and growth (or, in extreme cases, signs that you should walk away now).
-- Why are you getting married?
-- What do you both envision for your life together?
-- Do you want children? If so, how many? Will one of you quit or cut back on work to raise them?
-- Do you want to live in the city? Country? Abroad?
-- What are your joint financial goals? How are you going to reach them?
-- How do you plan to balance "couple time" with "independent time"?
It's entirely likely that you will disagree on one or more of these issues. Having these discussions now, speaking honestly and making agreements in consensus, may save you a great deal of trouble after the marriage.
Frequently, the process of planning a wedding brings out differences in the ways you handle conflict, family expectations, household responsibilities, and social obligations. These, too, are opportunities for shared learning and growth (or, in extreme cases, signs that you should walk away now).
Talk Money Before Moving In Together
Moving in together is a huge step and a sign of a committed partnership between two people. Relationships break up quickly over problems and misunderstandings about money so have a serious discussion before any time is spent looking for the little bungalow and white picket fence.
1. Decide if the communal bills are going to be paid by one person or both, in other words, which checkbook will the monthly expenses come out of? Who is designated to physically pay the bill? Even if expenses are shared evenly, nothing starts an argument faster than having the electricity shut off when someone didn’t know they were supposed to pay the bill.
2. Decide how the monthly expenses such as rent, food and utilities are going to be divided each month. Having equality in these areas is the best way to start out. This way, each party is responsible for his or her own money.
3. Keep separate checking accounts. One of the worst mistakes two people make when living together is to combine checking accounts. Combined checking accounts are a topic for after the wedding, not at this stage of the relationship.
4. Decide in the beginning if asking to borrow money is “okay” or not. Every person runs out of money at the end of the month from time to time, so discuss if asking for a loan is going to work for each of you. Many people aren’t comfortable giving money to their partner and loans feel impersonal. Discuss your feelings about this before the situation comes up.
5. Talk about your philosophy regarding money before you move in together. Are you a saver or a spender? Does shopping and spending money make you ‘feel’ better? Are you living together to ‘save money’ on expenses? Does one person earn a lot more money than the other person and how does that feel?
Know yourself and your own personal beliefs about money and then discuss that with your partner. Get every detail regarding finances out on the table and this goes a long way to stopping arguments about money in the future.
1. Decide if the communal bills are going to be paid by one person or both, in other words, which checkbook will the monthly expenses come out of? Who is designated to physically pay the bill? Even if expenses are shared evenly, nothing starts an argument faster than having the electricity shut off when someone didn’t know they were supposed to pay the bill.
2. Decide how the monthly expenses such as rent, food and utilities are going to be divided each month. Having equality in these areas is the best way to start out. This way, each party is responsible for his or her own money.
3. Keep separate checking accounts. One of the worst mistakes two people make when living together is to combine checking accounts. Combined checking accounts are a topic for after the wedding, not at this stage of the relationship.
4. Decide in the beginning if asking to borrow money is “okay” or not. Every person runs out of money at the end of the month from time to time, so discuss if asking for a loan is going to work for each of you. Many people aren’t comfortable giving money to their partner and loans feel impersonal. Discuss your feelings about this before the situation comes up.
5. Talk about your philosophy regarding money before you move in together. Are you a saver or a spender? Does shopping and spending money make you ‘feel’ better? Are you living together to ‘save money’ on expenses? Does one person earn a lot more money than the other person and how does that feel?
Know yourself and your own personal beliefs about money and then discuss that with your partner. Get every detail regarding finances out on the table and this goes a long way to stopping arguments about money in the future.
Friday, September 4, 2009
So, Why Are You Not With Your Soulmate? by: Joanne B. Parrotta?
What’s keeping you and your ideal partner apart? Is it because finding and connecting with your soulmate is hard? No, I really don’t think so. In fact, meeting your ideal partner is not at all difficult.
Many people came to me and say, “Joanne, I’ve done the inner and outer work that you suggested in your book, A Matter of Destiny, so why haven’t I met my soulmate yet?” Unfortunately, it’s hard to say when your beloved will be given to you, as the timing is out of our hands. The sooner you accept this, the easier life will be for you. We must allow the universe to unfold in its own time.
There are many possible reasons why you have not yet reunited with your destined love. Before you can connect with your true love, you must first identify and let go of any beliefs that may be sabotaging your efforts. Here are some reasons for the wait:
• Unfinished business with someone else (this is a big one)
• Lack of confidence and self-love
• Fear of getting what you really want
• Karma (a spiritual debt may need to be balanced)
• Commitment issues
• Capacity to love
• Control issues
• Old emotional wounds
As you can see from this list, the only thing stopping you from connecting with your loved one is you.
You can, however, speed things along by working on yourself and dealing with some of the issues that may be keeping you apart. Of course, the more quickly you do your inner work and develop the qualities you want in your mate, the sooner you will connect. Those who are comfortable in their own skins are ready to connect with their beloved.
Quality love comes when we least expect it and when we are emotionally ready for it. While you may meet your soulmate before you are completely ready, the chances that the two of you will connect at this time are slim. Here is a little scenario to demonstrate this point:
You get a last minute invitation to a party. You have had a hard day at work and are tempted to decline, but change your mind at the last minute. A few minutes after you arrive, you notice a handsome man across the room. You lock eyes and smile at each other, but much to your disappointment he is with someone. As time goes on you often think about that handsome stranger. Approximately one year later you meet him at a work-related seminar, only now he is no longer in a relationship. He asks you out and the rest, as they say, is history.
Why do you think you had to wait a year after your first meeting to connect with your soulmate? Because when you first met, he had unfinished business with someone else, and you probably had a few issues you needed to work on as well.
When looking for the right love, patience is definitely called for. Trust and know in your heart of hearts that a wonderful love will be given to you when the time is right for both of you. You could be oceans apart, but somehow, somewhere you will find a way to connect. Have faith, and faith will deliver your soulmate. Your meeting is a matter of destiny.
Many people came to me and say, “Joanne, I’ve done the inner and outer work that you suggested in your book, A Matter of Destiny, so why haven’t I met my soulmate yet?” Unfortunately, it’s hard to say when your beloved will be given to you, as the timing is out of our hands. The sooner you accept this, the easier life will be for you. We must allow the universe to unfold in its own time.
There are many possible reasons why you have not yet reunited with your destined love. Before you can connect with your true love, you must first identify and let go of any beliefs that may be sabotaging your efforts. Here are some reasons for the wait:
• Unfinished business with someone else (this is a big one)
• Lack of confidence and self-love
• Fear of getting what you really want
• Karma (a spiritual debt may need to be balanced)
• Commitment issues
• Capacity to love
• Control issues
• Old emotional wounds
As you can see from this list, the only thing stopping you from connecting with your loved one is you.
You can, however, speed things along by working on yourself and dealing with some of the issues that may be keeping you apart. Of course, the more quickly you do your inner work and develop the qualities you want in your mate, the sooner you will connect. Those who are comfortable in their own skins are ready to connect with their beloved.
Quality love comes when we least expect it and when we are emotionally ready for it. While you may meet your soulmate before you are completely ready, the chances that the two of you will connect at this time are slim. Here is a little scenario to demonstrate this point:
You get a last minute invitation to a party. You have had a hard day at work and are tempted to decline, but change your mind at the last minute. A few minutes after you arrive, you notice a handsome man across the room. You lock eyes and smile at each other, but much to your disappointment he is with someone. As time goes on you often think about that handsome stranger. Approximately one year later you meet him at a work-related seminar, only now he is no longer in a relationship. He asks you out and the rest, as they say, is history.
Why do you think you had to wait a year after your first meeting to connect with your soulmate? Because when you first met, he had unfinished business with someone else, and you probably had a few issues you needed to work on as well.
When looking for the right love, patience is definitely called for. Trust and know in your heart of hearts that a wonderful love will be given to you when the time is right for both of you. You could be oceans apart, but somehow, somewhere you will find a way to connect. Have faith, and faith will deliver your soulmate. Your meeting is a matter of destiny.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
4 Women Men Avoid
The Needy Little Girl
This woman is every man’s worst fear. This type of woman is whiney and frequently verbalizes how desperate she is to get married. What is so frightening about this type of woman is that men can’t often identify her until they are well into a relationship.
Initially, this type of woman appears to be independent. She has been told that she is clingy or needy and often overcompensates by trying to be ultra independent.
However, once she is in a relationship and feels safe, her neediness begins to manifest.
TIP: Ironically, these women would do better to allow men to see some vulnerability right away, which is actually what most men expect, rather than give to everyone else but themselves and then expect a man to make up for their empty feelings.
The Man Hater, Witch (or other like words)
This type is different from all the others in one aspect. Most men will give this type of woman more of a chance and try and win her over, simply because she is a challenge.
Because of her strength (anger), most men don’t want to be in a committed relationship with her (and forget marriage), but they are intrigued with her perceived strength and view it as a conquest if they can get this type into bed.
This type of woman has the competitiveness of a man and the sensitivity of a woman. In an instant, she can switch from being very seductive to emotionally distant.
Put simply, she uses her hatred for men as a shield to avoid being hurt……again.
TIP: These women tend to be very guarded against getting hurt. In relationships, when they do give their heart to a man, they often allow the relationship to proceed too fast, which frequently overwhelms most men. The most important thing they need to learn is how to s-l-o-w-l-y allow a man to capture their heart.
The Career Queen
The common myth is that men are threatened by successful women. Actually, like most myths, there is an element of truth to this, which makes it so appealing. Men are not “threatened” by successful women as much as they feel that a successful woman doesn’t need them.
I have counseled many single, professional women who have told me, “I make good money, own my own house and have a wonderful social life. I don’t need a man to make me happy.” My reply to them is often, “Then why would any man want to be with you? What could he possibly contribute to your life when you are self-sufficient and self-fulfilled?”
Granted, men don’t want a woman who is totally dependent on them, but it is flattering to a man when a confident woman allows herself to depend on them, versus when they don’t appear to need a man at all.
TIP: Most men want to be the center of a woman’s interest, whether that is fair or not, and don’t want her devotion to work placed above her devotion to him.
The Motor Mouth
From a man’s perspective, a talkative woman isn’t good or bad. There is a perception that women use thousands more words per day than men. What most articles fail to mention is that this depends on the topic of conversation.
If the subject is sports, most men will talk a lot more than a woman will. Should the conversation change to something feminine, such as a friend’s baby, the woman will inevitably use more words.
Most women are accused of being too talkative when, in actuality, they are speaking more simply because they are discussing a subject that has great interest to them, not just because “women talk more.”
In addition, most men aren’t good at talking over each other, the way women do effortlessly with their girlfriends. In a woman’s world, I speak, you speak, and everyone speaks together. Just join in the conversation whenever the mood strikes you.
In the world of men, that is considered rude because men view conversation the same as “having the floor” of a debate. In other words, when he speaks, it’s his turn to speak and he is not to be interrupted until he’s done. Now that’s a little overdone, but not far from the truth.
Therefore, when a woman asks a man a question and he proceeds to answer her – and then she begins to interject her opinions for the next 10 minutes – he’ll just quit trying.
TIP: Men aren’t that different from women. Excessive talking is actually a form of conversation hogging. Don’t dominate the conversation unless you know it’s a topic that interests him
This woman is every man’s worst fear. This type of woman is whiney and frequently verbalizes how desperate she is to get married. What is so frightening about this type of woman is that men can’t often identify her until they are well into a relationship.
Initially, this type of woman appears to be independent. She has been told that she is clingy or needy and often overcompensates by trying to be ultra independent.
However, once she is in a relationship and feels safe, her neediness begins to manifest.
TIP: Ironically, these women would do better to allow men to see some vulnerability right away, which is actually what most men expect, rather than give to everyone else but themselves and then expect a man to make up for their empty feelings.
The Man Hater, Witch (or other like words)
This type is different from all the others in one aspect. Most men will give this type of woman more of a chance and try and win her over, simply because she is a challenge.
Because of her strength (anger), most men don’t want to be in a committed relationship with her (and forget marriage), but they are intrigued with her perceived strength and view it as a conquest if they can get this type into bed.
This type of woman has the competitiveness of a man and the sensitivity of a woman. In an instant, she can switch from being very seductive to emotionally distant.
Put simply, she uses her hatred for men as a shield to avoid being hurt……again.
TIP: These women tend to be very guarded against getting hurt. In relationships, when they do give their heart to a man, they often allow the relationship to proceed too fast, which frequently overwhelms most men. The most important thing they need to learn is how to s-l-o-w-l-y allow a man to capture their heart.
The Career Queen
The common myth is that men are threatened by successful women. Actually, like most myths, there is an element of truth to this, which makes it so appealing. Men are not “threatened” by successful women as much as they feel that a successful woman doesn’t need them.
I have counseled many single, professional women who have told me, “I make good money, own my own house and have a wonderful social life. I don’t need a man to make me happy.” My reply to them is often, “Then why would any man want to be with you? What could he possibly contribute to your life when you are self-sufficient and self-fulfilled?”
Granted, men don’t want a woman who is totally dependent on them, but it is flattering to a man when a confident woman allows herself to depend on them, versus when they don’t appear to need a man at all.
TIP: Most men want to be the center of a woman’s interest, whether that is fair or not, and don’t want her devotion to work placed above her devotion to him.
The Motor Mouth
From a man’s perspective, a talkative woman isn’t good or bad. There is a perception that women use thousands more words per day than men. What most articles fail to mention is that this depends on the topic of conversation.
If the subject is sports, most men will talk a lot more than a woman will. Should the conversation change to something feminine, such as a friend’s baby, the woman will inevitably use more words.
Most women are accused of being too talkative when, in actuality, they are speaking more simply because they are discussing a subject that has great interest to them, not just because “women talk more.”
In addition, most men aren’t good at talking over each other, the way women do effortlessly with their girlfriends. In a woman’s world, I speak, you speak, and everyone speaks together. Just join in the conversation whenever the mood strikes you.
In the world of men, that is considered rude because men view conversation the same as “having the floor” of a debate. In other words, when he speaks, it’s his turn to speak and he is not to be interrupted until he’s done. Now that’s a little overdone, but not far from the truth.
Therefore, when a woman asks a man a question and he proceeds to answer her – and then she begins to interject her opinions for the next 10 minutes – he’ll just quit trying.
TIP: Men aren’t that different from women. Excessive talking is actually a form of conversation hogging. Don’t dominate the conversation unless you know it’s a topic that interests him
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Attract More Positive Relationships into Your Life
Discover how to attract more positive relationships into your life. It's not as hard as you think! As we travel through our life's journey, many relationships will come into our lives. Some of them will be wonderful and long lasting; others, unfortunately, may be short term or unhappy.
. Patience. Wonderful relationships don't occur overnight. They take time to nurture and develop into something that's long lasting. To allow these relationships into your life, you must have the patience to let them grow.
• When you begin a relationship that you perceive as being a positive one,don't rush it. You may be very pleased to see what develops down the road.
2. Believe that you're deserving of it. Be positive and avoid negative feelings or perceptions about yourself. Know that you deserve to have happy, stable relationships in your life.
• If you begin to think negatively, you must turn these negative thoughts around immediately. Clear your mind and regain your self-confidence.
• Remember, positive attracts positive. When you think positive thoughts, you'll be rewarded with positive results.
• You'll ultimately attract positive relationships into your life with the positive energy you're giving off to others. So be a good example of the friend or partner you look to attract!
3. Be true to yourself and others. If you're not true to yourself, whether you believe it or not, others will sense this. Don't try to be something that you're not; this is a negative way of portraying yourself to others.
• As mentioned before, positive attracts positive, but negative attracts negative as well. Show others your true self, including your flaws. They'll appreciate your open and willing heart and be able to form a strong bond with you more easily.
• Be genuine to others and allow them to see your true feelings and personality. Trying too hard to act like someone else could lead to embarrassment for you.
4. Don't take relationships for granted. Remember to always give thanks for the valuable relationships in your life. They may not be as numerous as you'd like, but rather than complaining, be thankful for the ones you have now and have had in the past.
• By professing your gratitude genuinely, you'll have an easier time attracting future valuable relationships.
5. Be honest. If you're in a negative relationship right now, that will tend to keep positive relationships from coming into your life. Be honest with yourself and others. Make a conscious decision to either improve that relationship or end it.
• Honesty will pave the way for more positive, trusting relationships to enter your life.
As the old saying goes, "Nothing worth having in life comes easily." Attracting positive relationships - and weeding out the negative ones - may not be an easy task, but it'll make for a better and more fulfilling life.
. Patience. Wonderful relationships don't occur overnight. They take time to nurture and develop into something that's long lasting. To allow these relationships into your life, you must have the patience to let them grow.
• When you begin a relationship that you perceive as being a positive one,don't rush it. You may be very pleased to see what develops down the road.
2. Believe that you're deserving of it. Be positive and avoid negative feelings or perceptions about yourself. Know that you deserve to have happy, stable relationships in your life.
• If you begin to think negatively, you must turn these negative thoughts around immediately. Clear your mind and regain your self-confidence.
• Remember, positive attracts positive. When you think positive thoughts, you'll be rewarded with positive results.
• You'll ultimately attract positive relationships into your life with the positive energy you're giving off to others. So be a good example of the friend or partner you look to attract!
3. Be true to yourself and others. If you're not true to yourself, whether you believe it or not, others will sense this. Don't try to be something that you're not; this is a negative way of portraying yourself to others.
• As mentioned before, positive attracts positive, but negative attracts negative as well. Show others your true self, including your flaws. They'll appreciate your open and willing heart and be able to form a strong bond with you more easily.
• Be genuine to others and allow them to see your true feelings and personality. Trying too hard to act like someone else could lead to embarrassment for you.
4. Don't take relationships for granted. Remember to always give thanks for the valuable relationships in your life. They may not be as numerous as you'd like, but rather than complaining, be thankful for the ones you have now and have had in the past.
• By professing your gratitude genuinely, you'll have an easier time attracting future valuable relationships.
5. Be honest. If you're in a negative relationship right now, that will tend to keep positive relationships from coming into your life. Be honest with yourself and others. Make a conscious decision to either improve that relationship or end it.
• Honesty will pave the way for more positive, trusting relationships to enter your life.
As the old saying goes, "Nothing worth having in life comes easily." Attracting positive relationships - and weeding out the negative ones - may not be an easy task, but it'll make for a better and more fulfilling life.
Monday, August 24, 2009
50 Universal Truths About Men
50 Universal Truths About Men:
Why should I remind you that “I love you?” I already told you once.
I’ll do anything for sex; even commit to you for life.
I hate arguing with you. I’d much rather find a compromise.
I love long hair. Sorry, but I do.
When you speak softly, I can’t help but listen.
I need to be told “no” sometimes. Not a lot, but every now and again reminds me that you are expensive.
Please don’t ask me how you look unless you’re willing to trust my answer.
My eyes notice other women a lot more when you are upset with me.
When you’re happy with me I can’t help but want to please you.
If I don’t feel I can make you happy, it makes me feel less than a man.
I expect you to be ready when I pick you up.
Cigarettes make any woman look cheap and easy.
I'm scared if I let a woman inside my heart, she'll take advantage of me.
If you can’t stand up to me when I’m a brat, you’re too weak for me to open up to when I’m upset.
Sitting quietly next to me after you’ve made me a meal is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free ticket. You’ll be surprised how quickly I can forgive.
You did something hurtful. If I never bring it up, I’m considering leaving you.
I don’t read minds. Remember, I’m not a woman.
You may know fashion, but I wish you’d dress to please me, not other women.
If I’m losing my hair, it’s not funny. Would you like me to joke about your weight?
When I talk to you about golf and you act bored, it would be nice for you to remember all the times I’ve listened to you talk about what is important to you.
The woman I love is easy to please. She appreciates the effort I put into making her happy, even if I get the details wrong.
You look hot in a dress.
I hate being told what to do when I don't ask for help. It makes me feel like you're my mother.
If you sleep over, I might eventually marry you, but I'm less motivated.
During sex my ears are as sensitive to your words as your skin is to my touch.
I need some type of signal or cue to walk across the room and approach you. What if you’re married!?
It makes me feel like you trust me when you ask for my advice.
It feels competitive when you insist on being in charge.
Being respected is more important to me that being loved.
I want every man to envy me when we arrive as a couple. Please don’t let yourself go.
When I’m upset I am very tone sensitive. How you say it is more important than what you say.
I hate it when you minimize, ignore or tell me I don’t mean my compliments. It makes me want to stop giving them.
I’m more insecure than you think. Why do you think I need your respect so much?
I don’t always know how I feel. That’s why I don’t tell you.
I don’t need you to do things for me. What I crave is being able to please you.
If I do one thing and say something contradictory – go with my actions – that will always tell you what’s in my heart.
I find myself wanting to please you when you simply smile at me without asking for something (like a favor).
I really don’t want to hear about any of your ex-boyfriends, regardless of the point.
If I don’t share what I’m thinking, it’s because I don’t think you will listen without interrupting.
I don’t like to argue and I don’t like to guess what’s wrong. Just tell me so I can fix it.
I love it when you put your hair in a pony tail. Yes, it’s a Freudian thing.
Don’t ask me, “Are you going to wear that?” when I’m already dressed.
A gentleman should always be respected by his lady in public, even if she is disagreeing with him.
If you don’t believe you’re pretty, you won’t believe me when I tell you, no matter how many times I say it.
It isn’t how much you weigh, it’s that your body is proportionate, which is so attractive.
Sometimes I have weird, strange or very sexual thoughts. I don’t take them seriously and I don’t want to share them with you (or anyone).
Sometimes you really don’t want to know what I’m thinking. See above.
If you cheat on me, it is nearly impossible for me to get over it.
I don’t remember everything about our relationship but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
I need some time to myself to calm down when I’m upset so that I don’t say something I will regret.
Why should I remind you that “I love you?” I already told you once.
I’ll do anything for sex; even commit to you for life.
I hate arguing with you. I’d much rather find a compromise.
I love long hair. Sorry, but I do.
When you speak softly, I can’t help but listen.
I need to be told “no” sometimes. Not a lot, but every now and again reminds me that you are expensive.
Please don’t ask me how you look unless you’re willing to trust my answer.
My eyes notice other women a lot more when you are upset with me.
When you’re happy with me I can’t help but want to please you.
If I don’t feel I can make you happy, it makes me feel less than a man.
I expect you to be ready when I pick you up.
Cigarettes make any woman look cheap and easy.
I'm scared if I let a woman inside my heart, she'll take advantage of me.
If you can’t stand up to me when I’m a brat, you’re too weak for me to open up to when I’m upset.
Sitting quietly next to me after you’ve made me a meal is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free ticket. You’ll be surprised how quickly I can forgive.
You did something hurtful. If I never bring it up, I’m considering leaving you.
I don’t read minds. Remember, I’m not a woman.
You may know fashion, but I wish you’d dress to please me, not other women.
If I’m losing my hair, it’s not funny. Would you like me to joke about your weight?
When I talk to you about golf and you act bored, it would be nice for you to remember all the times I’ve listened to you talk about what is important to you.
The woman I love is easy to please. She appreciates the effort I put into making her happy, even if I get the details wrong.
You look hot in a dress.
I hate being told what to do when I don't ask for help. It makes me feel like you're my mother.
If you sleep over, I might eventually marry you, but I'm less motivated.
During sex my ears are as sensitive to your words as your skin is to my touch.
I need some type of signal or cue to walk across the room and approach you. What if you’re married!?
It makes me feel like you trust me when you ask for my advice.
It feels competitive when you insist on being in charge.
Being respected is more important to me that being loved.
I want every man to envy me when we arrive as a couple. Please don’t let yourself go.
When I’m upset I am very tone sensitive. How you say it is more important than what you say.
I hate it when you minimize, ignore or tell me I don’t mean my compliments. It makes me want to stop giving them.
I’m more insecure than you think. Why do you think I need your respect so much?
I don’t always know how I feel. That’s why I don’t tell you.
I don’t need you to do things for me. What I crave is being able to please you.
If I do one thing and say something contradictory – go with my actions – that will always tell you what’s in my heart.
I find myself wanting to please you when you simply smile at me without asking for something (like a favor).
I really don’t want to hear about any of your ex-boyfriends, regardless of the point.
If I don’t share what I’m thinking, it’s because I don’t think you will listen without interrupting.
I don’t like to argue and I don’t like to guess what’s wrong. Just tell me so I can fix it.
I love it when you put your hair in a pony tail. Yes, it’s a Freudian thing.
Don’t ask me, “Are you going to wear that?” when I’m already dressed.
A gentleman should always be respected by his lady in public, even if she is disagreeing with him.
If you don’t believe you’re pretty, you won’t believe me when I tell you, no matter how many times I say it.
It isn’t how much you weigh, it’s that your body is proportionate, which is so attractive.
Sometimes I have weird, strange or very sexual thoughts. I don’t take them seriously and I don’t want to share them with you (or anyone).
Sometimes you really don’t want to know what I’m thinking. See above.
If you cheat on me, it is nearly impossible for me to get over it.
I don’t remember everything about our relationship but that doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
I need some time to myself to calm down when I’m upset so that I don’t say something I will regret.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Top Ten Things Women always want to hear
Men fall in love with their eyes; women do so with their ears
” Below are top ten things women always want to hear from a guy. When it comes to love and relationships, there are a few key phrases that melt our hearts almost every time.
1. How was Your Day?
2. I love You
3. How do you feel?
4. You are My Best Friend.
5. I never knew you are so smart
6. You are so beautiful
7. Will you spend your life with me?
8. How can I help you?
9. You’re perfect for Me.
10. You are my one and only one
” Below are top ten things women always want to hear from a guy. When it comes to love and relationships, there are a few key phrases that melt our hearts almost every time.
1. How was Your Day?
2. I love You
3. How do you feel?
4. You are My Best Friend.
5. I never knew you are so smart
6. You are so beautiful
7. Will you spend your life with me?
8. How can I help you?
9. You’re perfect for Me.
10. You are my one and only one
Monday, August 17, 2009
5 Compliments Every Woman Loves To Hear
Words of appreciation spoken directly to your romantic partner go far in paving the way to a happy, healthy relationship. What is sometimes too easily forgotten: disagreements among couples (from trifling to serious) can nearly always be overcome with a few words of gratitude from a partner (a.k.a., a healthy dose of authentic compliments). But it takes more than a "Hey Baby, you're hot" to really win points with your partner here. These are the top five compliments every woman loves to hear. If you can't remember the words verbatim, remember the key principles: appreciation, support and acceptance. This is the triage to a strong, lasting and powerful romantic endeavor.
1.You're Irreplaceable. This is a surefire way to light up your partner’s eyes. Saying these words (with full eye contact, of course) lets the special one in your life know that you know who she is as a person and that you value her as a unique individual. Why is this so effective? Think about when you break up with someone and part ways. One of the worst ramifications of the break-up is finding out, via Facebook update or chattering among friends, that you've been replaced by someone new. On the flip side, hearing from your current partner that you're valued for more than what you look like scores big, meaningful points.
2. You bring light to my life. Yes, we know this sounds like a bit much. But bear with us and let us make one point: relationships can go off course when one or both partners takes for granted the contributions the other makes to their lives. Saying this shows that a man understands and remembers that a women chooses to be with her man and opts to give her energy and time to him. Showing he appreciates that she shares her life with him is symphonic to a woman's ears. If the word light is a tad too over-the-top for you try replacing it with happiness, joy, sunshine—whichever word you can say with genuine meaning.
3. You are perfect just the way that you are. This one takes the gold star award for ability to make a woman’s day, week, month or even year (if, that is, whenever she gets miffed at you for something small she recalls you saying this to her). Ingrid Michaelson sang it best with her lyrics to the song "The Way that I Am." If you really want to make your partner's day, we suggest e-mailing this song or youtube video to the woman you love. Deep, lasting love is unconditional. Showing that you comprehend and embrace this idea will touch your partner way more than superficial comments such as, "Your earrings are cute." Dating A Golddigger
4. I love your (fill in the blank: bright eyes, cute toes, toned arms, sleek legs, silky hair). We did not mean to give the impression above that we women do not like to hear you notice when we put extra effort into looking foxy for our man. But what’s key here is that what you say is genuine. Don’t just pick any random feature. Think about it. What is your partner’s best physical attribute and why do you like it? Telling your partner this will show her you pay attention to details, and to her.
5. I am so proud of you. A big deal-breaker in any relationship can be supporting one another’s life goals or not. Paying attention to your partner’s current goals she is working hard to achieve endear her to you for life. Whether it is paying off her credit card debt, completing a class, putting in extra hours to earn a promotion or even trying to better balance her life, show your loving support for your women. Her heart will melt then and every time thereafter she remembers when you supported along the way to making things happen and brushing off when the chips are down.
1.You're Irreplaceable. This is a surefire way to light up your partner’s eyes. Saying these words (with full eye contact, of course) lets the special one in your life know that you know who she is as a person and that you value her as a unique individual. Why is this so effective? Think about when you break up with someone and part ways. One of the worst ramifications of the break-up is finding out, via Facebook update or chattering among friends, that you've been replaced by someone new. On the flip side, hearing from your current partner that you're valued for more than what you look like scores big, meaningful points.
2. You bring light to my life. Yes, we know this sounds like a bit much. But bear with us and let us make one point: relationships can go off course when one or both partners takes for granted the contributions the other makes to their lives. Saying this shows that a man understands and remembers that a women chooses to be with her man and opts to give her energy and time to him. Showing he appreciates that she shares her life with him is symphonic to a woman's ears. If the word light is a tad too over-the-top for you try replacing it with happiness, joy, sunshine—whichever word you can say with genuine meaning.
3. You are perfect just the way that you are. This one takes the gold star award for ability to make a woman’s day, week, month or even year (if, that is, whenever she gets miffed at you for something small she recalls you saying this to her). Ingrid Michaelson sang it best with her lyrics to the song "The Way that I Am." If you really want to make your partner's day, we suggest e-mailing this song or youtube video to the woman you love. Deep, lasting love is unconditional. Showing that you comprehend and embrace this idea will touch your partner way more than superficial comments such as, "Your earrings are cute." Dating A Golddigger
4. I love your (fill in the blank: bright eyes, cute toes, toned arms, sleek legs, silky hair). We did not mean to give the impression above that we women do not like to hear you notice when we put extra effort into looking foxy for our man. But what’s key here is that what you say is genuine. Don’t just pick any random feature. Think about it. What is your partner’s best physical attribute and why do you like it? Telling your partner this will show her you pay attention to details, and to her.
5. I am so proud of you. A big deal-breaker in any relationship can be supporting one another’s life goals or not. Paying attention to your partner’s current goals she is working hard to achieve endear her to you for life. Whether it is paying off her credit card debt, completing a class, putting in extra hours to earn a promotion or even trying to better balance her life, show your loving support for your women. Her heart will melt then and every time thereafter she remembers when you supported along the way to making things happen and brushing off when the chips are down.
Monday, August 10, 2009
5 Top Reasons Why Relationships Break Up
There are five top reasons as to why relationships break up and although there are a thousand and one reasons why you may have lost a loved one, the chances are that it will fall into one of these main categories.
1. Infidelity - A lot more than just love is needed to make a relationship work; trust, honesty and respect are all required to keep things ticking over nicely and without one of these things, the rest will just fail. Infidelity causes a lack of trust, respect and honesty and this in turn leads to lessened feelings of love.
2. Abuse - Mental and physical abuse even if it is something as small as name calling can be one of the biggest killers of a relationship and many people are in an abusive relationship for a long time before it finally ends.
3. Emotionless and cold relationships - If a relationship is starting to lose the excitement that it once held then it is possible for one or both parties to fall out of love. This can also lead to infidelity where a partner is desperate to get the love and affection they need and therefore go elsewhere to get it.
4. No time for each other - Busy lives are one of top reasons that relationships fall apart with the people within the relationship not having enough time to show each other that they are loved and not being able to do the things that they enjoy doing together.
5. Falling in love with someone else - Sometimes this simply cannot be helped and falling for another person will inevitably break apart the existing relationship that a person is in.
1. Infidelity - A lot more than just love is needed to make a relationship work; trust, honesty and respect are all required to keep things ticking over nicely and without one of these things, the rest will just fail. Infidelity causes a lack of trust, respect and honesty and this in turn leads to lessened feelings of love.
2. Abuse - Mental and physical abuse even if it is something as small as name calling can be one of the biggest killers of a relationship and many people are in an abusive relationship for a long time before it finally ends.
3. Emotionless and cold relationships - If a relationship is starting to lose the excitement that it once held then it is possible for one or both parties to fall out of love. This can also lead to infidelity where a partner is desperate to get the love and affection they need and therefore go elsewhere to get it.
4. No time for each other - Busy lives are one of top reasons that relationships fall apart with the people within the relationship not having enough time to show each other that they are loved and not being able to do the things that they enjoy doing together.
5. Falling in love with someone else - Sometimes this simply cannot be helped and falling for another person will inevitably break apart the existing relationship that a person is in.
Friday, August 7, 2009
25 tips for relationship successby Susan Quilliam
25 tips for relationship successby Susan Quilliam What's the key to successful relationships? Here, Susan Quilliam reveals the simple things you need to know to deepen your partnership and make your relationship work
1. Without quality time, your relationship will not survive. Carve out at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when you the two of you spend time exclusively together.
2. You will both need security, comfort. A good relationship is built on compromise and a great deal of give and take on both sides.
3. Keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell and show your partner how much you need him, but don't cling, as that can make your partner feel trapped.
4. Encourage him to listen to you, by showing appreciation when he does. By the same token, show interest when he talks to you. Be aware that most men aren't mentally programmed for conversation in the way women are. They need more silence and internal time.
5. Make him appreciate you. Don't wait for a spontaneous compliment, but say something good about yourself and ask for his agreement.
6. Teach him, preferably early in your relationship, exactly how to give you a fail-safe orgasm because it's unlikely he'll find out alone. If you don't yet know yourself, find out.
7. Learn to do the one thing that is most likely to restore good feeling in your relationship - giving your partner a genuine, loving and approving smile.
8.Often those subtle quirks that first attracted you to your partner can, with time, turn around and become toe-curlingly annoying habits. Learn to love him, warts and all.
9. Hidden resentments poison a relationship; so if something bothers you, say it. Remember that while men are wary of emotional conversations, they love to find solutions. Express your problem and then ask him to help you find the answer.
10. Learn that punishing your partner won't work. It may make you feel better to give him a hard time, but it will actually make him dig his heels in more. A better tactic is to reward the things you like and ignore what you don't like.
11. Money is the number one cause of couple conflict. For a relationship to work, you need to address your finances and work out a budget.
12. If the domestic work is not divided fairly between you, it will cause friction in your relationship. Make a list of the domestic tasks, talk it through with your partner and mobilise the whole family, your partner included, to share the work.
13. If you have children, involve your partner as much as possible with the childcare - even if you feel he's not as good as it at you are. It's important to present a united front to your children.
14. Sort out your sex life. The sex may ebb and flow over the years, but if sex starts going downhill, don't just accept it. As soon as you notice a slide, question why and then work at bringing the passion back.
15. Don't assume you won't be tempted to have an affair as almost everyone is. You need to learn to resist. If you do stray, don't feel it spells the end of your relationship. Most couples recover, particularly from a one-night-stand, and often find that unrooting the cause of the affair helps them to get even closer. So, you need to learn to resist. But don't think that an affair is the end of everything.
16. Remember that boredom typically covers up anger. If you feel bored with him, ask yourself what you're angry about.
17. Be aware that men generally feel overwhelmed by emotion more than women do. If he's angry or tearful, half an hour's 'unflooding' time to himself will help get his balance back and make him more able to interact positively with you.
Learn how to argue well. The trick is to never say anything that you wouldn't want to hear said to you.
19. Research suggests you need five positive experiences to erase the memory of one negative experience. So give five kind words for each bitchy comment. Give five hugs for each cold shoulder.
20. Learn how to negotiate. Each of you states what you want, then both of you work together to find a way forward.
21. Accept the things that won't change. Some characteristics about your partner are there for life - and you have to face that.
22. Learn to forgive. If you know you will never forgive your partner over something important, then give him - and yourself - a break and start again, with someone else.
23. Realise that the two of you will shift and change over the years. So, even if you think you understand him, or believe you have agreements sorted, check regularly - at least once a year - to make sure that neither of you has changed your mind.
24. Know when to leave. If your life aims are incompatible, there are heavy drugs or violence around, or if there is consistently more pain than pleasure, then walk before the relationship destroys you.
25. Don't think that going to counselling equals failure. It can turn a bad relationship around. It can turn an average relationship into a brilliant one.
1. Without quality time, your relationship will not survive. Carve out at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when you the two of you spend time exclusively together.
2. You will both need security, comfort. A good relationship is built on compromise and a great deal of give and take on both sides.
3. Keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell and show your partner how much you need him, but don't cling, as that can make your partner feel trapped.
4. Encourage him to listen to you, by showing appreciation when he does. By the same token, show interest when he talks to you. Be aware that most men aren't mentally programmed for conversation in the way women are. They need more silence and internal time.
5. Make him appreciate you. Don't wait for a spontaneous compliment, but say something good about yourself and ask for his agreement.
6. Teach him, preferably early in your relationship, exactly how to give you a fail-safe orgasm because it's unlikely he'll find out alone. If you don't yet know yourself, find out.
7. Learn to do the one thing that is most likely to restore good feeling in your relationship - giving your partner a genuine, loving and approving smile.
8.Often those subtle quirks that first attracted you to your partner can, with time, turn around and become toe-curlingly annoying habits. Learn to love him, warts and all.
9. Hidden resentments poison a relationship; so if something bothers you, say it. Remember that while men are wary of emotional conversations, they love to find solutions. Express your problem and then ask him to help you find the answer.
10. Learn that punishing your partner won't work. It may make you feel better to give him a hard time, but it will actually make him dig his heels in more. A better tactic is to reward the things you like and ignore what you don't like.
11. Money is the number one cause of couple conflict. For a relationship to work, you need to address your finances and work out a budget.
12. If the domestic work is not divided fairly between you, it will cause friction in your relationship. Make a list of the domestic tasks, talk it through with your partner and mobilise the whole family, your partner included, to share the work.
13. If you have children, involve your partner as much as possible with the childcare - even if you feel he's not as good as it at you are. It's important to present a united front to your children.
14. Sort out your sex life. The sex may ebb and flow over the years, but if sex starts going downhill, don't just accept it. As soon as you notice a slide, question why and then work at bringing the passion back.
15. Don't assume you won't be tempted to have an affair as almost everyone is. You need to learn to resist. If you do stray, don't feel it spells the end of your relationship. Most couples recover, particularly from a one-night-stand, and often find that unrooting the cause of the affair helps them to get even closer. So, you need to learn to resist. But don't think that an affair is the end of everything.
16. Remember that boredom typically covers up anger. If you feel bored with him, ask yourself what you're angry about.
17. Be aware that men generally feel overwhelmed by emotion more than women do. If he's angry or tearful, half an hour's 'unflooding' time to himself will help get his balance back and make him more able to interact positively with you.
Learn how to argue well. The trick is to never say anything that you wouldn't want to hear said to you.
19. Research suggests you need five positive experiences to erase the memory of one negative experience. So give five kind words for each bitchy comment. Give five hugs for each cold shoulder.
20. Learn how to negotiate. Each of you states what you want, then both of you work together to find a way forward.
21. Accept the things that won't change. Some characteristics about your partner are there for life - and you have to face that.
22. Learn to forgive. If you know you will never forgive your partner over something important, then give him - and yourself - a break and start again, with someone else.
23. Realise that the two of you will shift and change over the years. So, even if you think you understand him, or believe you have agreements sorted, check regularly - at least once a year - to make sure that neither of you has changed your mind.
24. Know when to leave. If your life aims are incompatible, there are heavy drugs or violence around, or if there is consistently more pain than pleasure, then walk before the relationship destroys you.
25. Don't think that going to counselling equals failure. It can turn a bad relationship around. It can turn an average relationship into a brilliant one.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Financial: How to Communicate With Your Spouse About Money-By Dave Ramsey
Myth: My spouse and I shouldn’t talk about money because it only leads to fights.
Truth: You can’t have a great relationship until you can communicate and agree about money.
Larry Burkett, noted financial author, says, “Money is either the best or the worst area of communication in our marriages.” After years as a financial counselor and working with marriage counselors, Dave knows that money and money fights are the number one cause of divorce and the thing we fight about the most.
So if you are married and have money fights, you are normal. But if this is a real problem area for you, there is also an opportunity to improve your relationship and maybe even reach agreement with your spouse—not one brought on by surrender, but rather by each person getting a vote, understanding the other person’s view, and finding common ground.
Let’s face it—if we can agree on the checkbook, there would be nothing left to fight about except who gets the remote!
Men and Women are Different
When it comes to money, men tend to take more risks and don’t save for emergencies. Men use money as a scorecard and can struggle with self-esteem when there are financial problems.
Women tend to see money more as a security issue, so they will gravitate toward the rainy-day fund. Because of their need for security, ladies can have a level of fear—my wife, Sharon, calls it terror—when there are money problems.
Men and women are different in how they view money, and it is largely because they process problems and opportunities from different vantage points. On top of the fact that men and women are different, opposites attract. Chances are, if you’re married, one of you is good at working numbers (the nerd) and the other one isn’t good at working numbers (the free spirit). That isn’t the real problem. The problem is when the nerd neglects the input of the free spirit or when the free spirit avoids participating in the financial dealings altogether.
Marriage is a Partnership
Marriage is a partnership. The preacher said, “And now you are one.” Both parties need to be involved in the finances. Separating the finances and splitting the bills is a bad idea.
Listen up, nerds. Don’t keep the finances all to yourself. Don’t use your “power” to abuse the free spirit. Free spirits, don’t just nod your head and say, “Yeah, that looks great, honey.” You have a vote in the budget committee meetings, too. Give feedback, criticism and encouragement. Work on the budget together!
“But what if my spouse won’t get on board with me?” many of you wonder. It is tough, but with patience and kindness your spouse will eventually see the light (don’t beat them over the head with the need for a budget, and please don’t subject your spouse to a lecture of “Dave says…”).
As you work on your money together, you will begin to change your family tree. One of your main goals in your marriage should be to pass a legacy down to your children and grandchildren.
Dave Ramsey is a personal money management expert, an extremely popular national radio personality and best-selling author of The Total Money Makeover. Dave is changing the face of America by helping people get out of debt and build wealth. Ramsey exemplifies his life’s work of teaching others how to be financially responsible, so they can acquire enough wealth to take care of loved ones, live prosperously into old age, and give generously to others. Learn more about navigating through the current economy.
Truth: You can’t have a great relationship until you can communicate and agree about money.
Larry Burkett, noted financial author, says, “Money is either the best or the worst area of communication in our marriages.” After years as a financial counselor and working with marriage counselors, Dave knows that money and money fights are the number one cause of divorce and the thing we fight about the most.
So if you are married and have money fights, you are normal. But if this is a real problem area for you, there is also an opportunity to improve your relationship and maybe even reach agreement with your spouse—not one brought on by surrender, but rather by each person getting a vote, understanding the other person’s view, and finding common ground.
Let’s face it—if we can agree on the checkbook, there would be nothing left to fight about except who gets the remote!
Men and Women are Different
When it comes to money, men tend to take more risks and don’t save for emergencies. Men use money as a scorecard and can struggle with self-esteem when there are financial problems.
Women tend to see money more as a security issue, so they will gravitate toward the rainy-day fund. Because of their need for security, ladies can have a level of fear—my wife, Sharon, calls it terror—when there are money problems.
Men and women are different in how they view money, and it is largely because they process problems and opportunities from different vantage points. On top of the fact that men and women are different, opposites attract. Chances are, if you’re married, one of you is good at working numbers (the nerd) and the other one isn’t good at working numbers (the free spirit). That isn’t the real problem. The problem is when the nerd neglects the input of the free spirit or when the free spirit avoids participating in the financial dealings altogether.
Marriage is a Partnership
Marriage is a partnership. The preacher said, “And now you are one.” Both parties need to be involved in the finances. Separating the finances and splitting the bills is a bad idea.
Listen up, nerds. Don’t keep the finances all to yourself. Don’t use your “power” to abuse the free spirit. Free spirits, don’t just nod your head and say, “Yeah, that looks great, honey.” You have a vote in the budget committee meetings, too. Give feedback, criticism and encouragement. Work on the budget together!
“But what if my spouse won’t get on board with me?” many of you wonder. It is tough, but with patience and kindness your spouse will eventually see the light (don’t beat them over the head with the need for a budget, and please don’t subject your spouse to a lecture of “Dave says…”).
As you work on your money together, you will begin to change your family tree. One of your main goals in your marriage should be to pass a legacy down to your children and grandchildren.
Dave Ramsey is a personal money management expert, an extremely popular national radio personality and best-selling author of The Total Money Makeover. Dave is changing the face of America by helping people get out of debt and build wealth. Ramsey exemplifies his life’s work of teaching others how to be financially responsible, so they can acquire enough wealth to take care of loved ones, live prosperously into old age, and give generously to others. Learn more about navigating through the current economy.
Seven Success Keys-By Tom Ziglar
Right now with the economic meltdown going on, or not going on, depending on if it’s Monday or Friday, I think we all want our individual success to depend on us, not on the economy, not our employer, and certainly not the government! So here are a few keys to consider:
1. “You have to be before you can do, and you have to do before you can have,” Zig Ziglar www.ziglar.com. Dad lays it out pretty clearly right here. Success starts with being the right kind of person first. Build the proper character foundation in your life, then apply it with great work ethic, and only then can you have the things in life you want.
2. “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help enough other people get what they want,” Zig Ziglar. This is the philosophy that guides your be, do, and have mindset.
3. “All great failures are moral failures,” Fred Smith www.breakfastwithfred.com. Dad’s mentor Fred Smith points out that anytime you see a great failure, it is not because of their intellect, but because of some great moral failure. The current economic crisis is a perfect example of this. Greed and instant gratification are the two primary reasons we have a crisis right now. Isn’t it morally wrong to knowingly encourage someone to take a huge risk? Isn’t it morally wrong to take a huge risk for no other reason than instant gratification?
4. “The five predictors of success for someone starting and running their own business are passion, talent, determination, self-discipline, and faith,” Dan Miller, No More Mondays, www.48days.com. Do you have what it takes to be your own boss? Dan is the go-to guy for advice on this. How cool would it be to wake up every day doing what you are passionate about? (Trust me, it’s COOL!)
5. “Debt is dumb, cash is king,” Dave Ramsey, www.daveramsey.com. Imagine having no debt in your life. Would you sleep better? How much freedom would you have? Being debt free is a choice and Dave gives you a specific plan of action on how to become debt free. I must warn you though; the plan is very simple, although not necessarily easy because there are no gimmicks or shortcuts. It only requires common sense and uncommon discipline!
6. “Eat pure,” Tom Ziglar, The Purity Diet. The most important asset you have is your health. The best thing you can do to benefit your health is to eat right. If you “eat pure” every day you will be amazed at the results.
7. “I’ve heard it, too: Motivation is temporary, and I agree. But then, so is bathing and eating, but if you do both of them on a daily basis you will live longer and smell better in the process,” Zig Ziglar. What kind of fuel are you running your brain on? Put the good, the clean, the pure, the powerful and the positive into your brain on a daily basis and the amount of good stuff that comes out will astonish you!
1. “You have to be before you can do, and you have to do before you can have,” Zig Ziglar www.ziglar.com. Dad lays it out pretty clearly right here. Success starts with being the right kind of person first. Build the proper character foundation in your life, then apply it with great work ethic, and only then can you have the things in life you want.
2. “You can have everything in life you want, if you will just help enough other people get what they want,” Zig Ziglar. This is the philosophy that guides your be, do, and have mindset.
3. “All great failures are moral failures,” Fred Smith www.breakfastwithfred.com. Dad’s mentor Fred Smith points out that anytime you see a great failure, it is not because of their intellect, but because of some great moral failure. The current economic crisis is a perfect example of this. Greed and instant gratification are the two primary reasons we have a crisis right now. Isn’t it morally wrong to knowingly encourage someone to take a huge risk? Isn’t it morally wrong to take a huge risk for no other reason than instant gratification?
4. “The five predictors of success for someone starting and running their own business are passion, talent, determination, self-discipline, and faith,” Dan Miller, No More Mondays, www.48days.com. Do you have what it takes to be your own boss? Dan is the go-to guy for advice on this. How cool would it be to wake up every day doing what you are passionate about? (Trust me, it’s COOL!)
5. “Debt is dumb, cash is king,” Dave Ramsey, www.daveramsey.com. Imagine having no debt in your life. Would you sleep better? How much freedom would you have? Being debt free is a choice and Dave gives you a specific plan of action on how to become debt free. I must warn you though; the plan is very simple, although not necessarily easy because there are no gimmicks or shortcuts. It only requires common sense and uncommon discipline!
6. “Eat pure,” Tom Ziglar, The Purity Diet. The most important asset you have is your health. The best thing you can do to benefit your health is to eat right. If you “eat pure” every day you will be amazed at the results.
7. “I’ve heard it, too: Motivation is temporary, and I agree. But then, so is bathing and eating, but if you do both of them on a daily basis you will live longer and smell better in the process,” Zig Ziglar. What kind of fuel are you running your brain on? Put the good, the clean, the pure, the powerful and the positive into your brain on a daily basis and the amount of good stuff that comes out will astonish you!
…Failure Is Critical To Success- Zig Ziglar
“You’ve got to learn to lose in order to win” sounds like strange advice, but the man who says it has earned over three hundred million dollars. Even in today’s economy, that’s a considerable sum of money. Here’s the story.
In 1958 Frank and Dan Carney started a pizza parlor across from their family’s grocery store. Their goal was to pay for their college educations. Nineteen years later, Frank Carney sold the 3,100 outlet chain called “Pizza Hut” for three hundred million dollars.
Carney’s advice to those starting out in business sounds strange, but he explains the concept this way: “I’ve been involved in about 50 different business ventures and about fifteen of them were successful. That means I have about a thirty percent success average.” The major point Frank makes is this: You need to be “at bat” if you ever expect to get a hit, and it’s even more important to step back up to the plate after you strike out.
Carney says Pizza Hut was successful because he learned from his mistakes. For example, when an Oklahoma City expansion effort failed, he realized the importance of location and decor. He learned from his mistake so that the future would be brighter. When sales declined in New York, he came up with the innovative idea of introducing thick crust with substantial success. When regional pizza houses began to take part of the market share, Frank responded by introducing “Chicago-style pizza,” and again success came his way. Factually, Carney failed many times but in each case he made those failures work for him.
Failure is an experience common to all of us. Question: Will you let those failures work for you or against you? If you do as Frank Carney did, you will use your failures as learning experiences and I really will SEE YOU AT THE TOP!
In 1958 Frank and Dan Carney started a pizza parlor across from their family’s grocery store. Their goal was to pay for their college educations. Nineteen years later, Frank Carney sold the 3,100 outlet chain called “Pizza Hut” for three hundred million dollars.
Carney’s advice to those starting out in business sounds strange, but he explains the concept this way: “I’ve been involved in about 50 different business ventures and about fifteen of them were successful. That means I have about a thirty percent success average.” The major point Frank makes is this: You need to be “at bat” if you ever expect to get a hit, and it’s even more important to step back up to the plate after you strike out.
Carney says Pizza Hut was successful because he learned from his mistakes. For example, when an Oklahoma City expansion effort failed, he realized the importance of location and decor. He learned from his mistake so that the future would be brighter. When sales declined in New York, he came up with the innovative idea of introducing thick crust with substantial success. When regional pizza houses began to take part of the market share, Frank responded by introducing “Chicago-style pizza,” and again success came his way. Factually, Carney failed many times but in each case he made those failures work for him.
Failure is an experience common to all of us. Question: Will you let those failures work for you or against you? If you do as Frank Carney did, you will use your failures as learning experiences and I really will SEE YOU AT THE TOP!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
16 CONSIDERATIONS 4 CHOOSING A LIFE LONG PARTNER
The list isn’t intended in anyway to idealize what our partners should be or a life long relationship should be, but epitomizes there ability to commit to life long learning, through growth to become and have these qualities.
This will help to decrease conflict in relationship, albeit there is room for individuality, some of these qualities must already be present and they might just have problems articulating them and that’s where life long learning comes in, in order to help bring all the stored treasures out, for some individuals that won’t commit to self development or self growth are often very INTOLERANT IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS involving people
• Choose someone as though you were blind and see what you can feel about that person of their kindness, loyalty, Insight, Love for you, Devotion and there ability to be concerned with you about the issues in your world.
• Choose someone who when you hurt them they feel the pain and are willing to show it vice versa, also when they hurt you they can see your pain & they feel sorry for you and are willing to do what it takes within a reasonable amount of time to say sorry or make up. It is worrisome when you have a mate that does something that’s unkind & they show no reaction, that means they have lost touch with been fully human
• Choose someone who is on there own journey in life i.e. have a purpose and see you as there partner or traveller in that journey, wanting a co-creative experience with you, having that special bond that stretches which never breaks, not one which the stretching through conflict breaks the bond in your relationship.
• Choose someone who is willing to be your friend, not only your LOVER, but likes you as a person, who is willing to do for you what they can do for there friends, who can forgive your faults, , who in there humanity understands that mistakes are acceptable, since this is one outstanding quality that makes us all humans, in there humanity they are able to have compassion
• Choose someone who isn’t judgemental, who you feel relaxed around and you can be yourself with, someone who can laugh at themselves, who don’t take theirselves too seriously and are willing to stop an argument at a dime. Who has a purpose in life, but creates time to play with you and engages in stimulating conversations. Even if they aren’t tuned into jokes and like to win every argument, but are willing to learn how to end an argument before it escalates.
• Choose someone who is your soul mate, who will celebrate your strength and they see potential in you, who will persevere with your weaknesses or faults and willing to stick around and commit to help you become better and confident, until you change that thing about you which gives them concern, who will not betray the trust you have in them, sticking by you through thick & thin, through the varied challenges of life.
• Choose someone who has the ability to care for themselves, who is an independent being, who is interdependent, but not co-dependent. Someone who is willing to overlook some of your faults & annoying characteristics, someone who is tolerant within reason
• Choose someone who has the ability to learn, for those without knowledge are often intolerant about the issues of life. They must be open to learn newer ways of seeing things in a new light and be curious about this world, human nature and how people work
• Choose someone that isn’t closed up and don’t see things only in there way or that everything has to be this way and the only way. For life long relationship it is vital to have someone willing to evolve, learn and grow with you.
• Choose someone who is willing to be like you, who is strong but yet sensitive i.e. someone though on one side & also fragile on the other side. That is the ability to be flexible like a palm tree, yet strong & sensitive.
• Choose someone who has the ability to see things from the others perspective, one who is willing to be empathetic and understand where your coming from and be alert to things around oneself.
• Choose someone that has an inner life, who does something else besides there career or vocation i.e. they are religious, into painting, football, a form of escapism or into charity.
• Choose someone who has similar passions to you in life, for a relationship is for making memories together in life, it’s like a savings account to do things together, for they are the glue of the relationship, for pleasure & to tease each other, for both the good and bad times.
• Choose someone who is ready to support you, who have similar values about children, family members, child bearing, about your roots, the roles of men & women in relationship, about religion, about marriage and kinds of marriage.
• Choose someone who is compassionate, who is willing and able to listen and want to seat down and talk relationship problems over, giving equal time, building rhythm in your relationship, even though you have different views.
• The most important of all = choose someone that makes your life bigger, someone that challenges you, supports you, and encourages you, who don’t feel threatened by your success and achievement n life. Who feels comfortable & happy when you make great advancement or achieve greater heights in life
This will help to decrease conflict in relationship, albeit there is room for individuality, some of these qualities must already be present and they might just have problems articulating them and that’s where life long learning comes in, in order to help bring all the stored treasures out, for some individuals that won’t commit to self development or self growth are often very INTOLERANT IN ALL RELATIONSHIPS involving people
• Choose someone as though you were blind and see what you can feel about that person of their kindness, loyalty, Insight, Love for you, Devotion and there ability to be concerned with you about the issues in your world.
• Choose someone who when you hurt them they feel the pain and are willing to show it vice versa, also when they hurt you they can see your pain & they feel sorry for you and are willing to do what it takes within a reasonable amount of time to say sorry or make up. It is worrisome when you have a mate that does something that’s unkind & they show no reaction, that means they have lost touch with been fully human
• Choose someone who is on there own journey in life i.e. have a purpose and see you as there partner or traveller in that journey, wanting a co-creative experience with you, having that special bond that stretches which never breaks, not one which the stretching through conflict breaks the bond in your relationship.
• Choose someone who is willing to be your friend, not only your LOVER, but likes you as a person, who is willing to do for you what they can do for there friends, who can forgive your faults, , who in there humanity understands that mistakes are acceptable, since this is one outstanding quality that makes us all humans, in there humanity they are able to have compassion
• Choose someone who isn’t judgemental, who you feel relaxed around and you can be yourself with, someone who can laugh at themselves, who don’t take theirselves too seriously and are willing to stop an argument at a dime. Who has a purpose in life, but creates time to play with you and engages in stimulating conversations. Even if they aren’t tuned into jokes and like to win every argument, but are willing to learn how to end an argument before it escalates.
• Choose someone who is your soul mate, who will celebrate your strength and they see potential in you, who will persevere with your weaknesses or faults and willing to stick around and commit to help you become better and confident, until you change that thing about you which gives them concern, who will not betray the trust you have in them, sticking by you through thick & thin, through the varied challenges of life.
• Choose someone who has the ability to care for themselves, who is an independent being, who is interdependent, but not co-dependent. Someone who is willing to overlook some of your faults & annoying characteristics, someone who is tolerant within reason
• Choose someone who has the ability to learn, for those without knowledge are often intolerant about the issues of life. They must be open to learn newer ways of seeing things in a new light and be curious about this world, human nature and how people work
• Choose someone that isn’t closed up and don’t see things only in there way or that everything has to be this way and the only way. For life long relationship it is vital to have someone willing to evolve, learn and grow with you.
• Choose someone who is willing to be like you, who is strong but yet sensitive i.e. someone though on one side & also fragile on the other side. That is the ability to be flexible like a palm tree, yet strong & sensitive.
• Choose someone who has the ability to see things from the others perspective, one who is willing to be empathetic and understand where your coming from and be alert to things around oneself.
• Choose someone that has an inner life, who does something else besides there career or vocation i.e. they are religious, into painting, football, a form of escapism or into charity.
• Choose someone who has similar passions to you in life, for a relationship is for making memories together in life, it’s like a savings account to do things together, for they are the glue of the relationship, for pleasure & to tease each other, for both the good and bad times.
• Choose someone who is ready to support you, who have similar values about children, family members, child bearing, about your roots, the roles of men & women in relationship, about religion, about marriage and kinds of marriage.
• Choose someone who is compassionate, who is willing and able to listen and want to seat down and talk relationship problems over, giving equal time, building rhythm in your relationship, even though you have different views.
• The most important of all = choose someone that makes your life bigger, someone that challenges you, supports you, and encourages you, who don’t feel threatened by your success and achievement n life. Who feels comfortable & happy when you make great advancement or achieve greater heights in life
10 Most Important Questions to ASK Before You Get Married
Sometimes love just isn't enough to keep couples together. Communication, along with a willingness to grow closer together, learn about gender differences is one of the keys to a successful marriage. So often when married couples go for counselling after marriage, because issues are arising in a marriage. When asked if the issue was discussed prior to getting married, the answer is often "no."
Don't make that mistake. Don't get married without knowing your future spouse's thoughts on these issues that can kill a marriage.
Compromise is usually not an option if the two of you disagree on these issues that can be deal breakers.
1. Do you want to have children?
It is a huge red flag in your relationship if you and your future spouse can not agree on whether to have children or not. Thinking that you can deal with this issue later in your marriage is a mistake. Making a decision to have a baby when one parent doesn't want to have children is not fair to the child or to your marriage
2. Can we talk about money?
The mechanics of how the two of you will handle your finances really isn't the issue. Many couples in successful marriages have separate checking accounts and many couples in successful marriages have one account.
The issue is whether or not the two of you can calmly and practically talk about money. If how your money is spent, or saved, or not spent is an issue before you get married, it will be an even bigger issue after your wedding.
If your future spouse doesn't want to talk about money, or doesn't think talking about money is important, postpone your wedding until this issue is solved.
3. Can we talk about sex?
There is no way of predicting the future when it comes to an individual's sexual libido. Albeit abstaince is the key while courting, as this will affect your ability to master SKELETON WOMAN aka lady death when she surfaces in your relationship, get to work on your communication, friendship, parents, likes and dislikes before even venturing into the secluded world of spiritual fantasies and pleasure.
However, if the two of you are already having sexual issues, you shouldn't get married until the issues are settled.Differences in sexual frequency, desire, preferences, fantasies, masturbation, pornography, expectations, etc. will tear the two of you apart. If you and your partner are unable to talk about the issues, or if your future spouse doesn't see any real problem, or doesn't want to talk about sex with you, cancel the wedding.
4. How much time will we spend with our in-laws?
They may be wonderful people who love you both, but your in-laws should not be allowed to interfere in your marriage or relationship.
If either one of you will not set boundaries with your own parents when it comes to visits, phone calls, finances, children, etc., the problem with your in-laws will only worsen.
5. Will you clean the toilet?
If the answer is "no" or "why should I?" or "Isn't that your job?", you have several options.
• You can hire someone to do the chores that neither of you wants to do.
• You can accept that you will be doing 90% of the chores around the house.
• You can discuss the importance of sharing the household chores together.
If none of these options work out, call off the wedding. This is another one of those issues that won't suddenly get better after you sign the marriage license.
6. How do you want to spend our days off?
The answer to this question will reveal several things.
• How your future spouse likes to spend free time.
• The value your future spouse places on having fun together.
• Whether or not you will come first before work.
Balancing work and fun and family time and personal time is not easy.
Without talking about the time aspect of your life together, you may find yourself grumbling because your spouse is spending what you consider to be too much time with old friends and extended family, or on hobbies, sports, the computer, etc.
Living a balanced life together will create the time you both need, individually and together, for vacations, quiet time, and fun time.
7. How often do you Pray?
The answer to this question, or to questions about quite times with God and practising your faith unhibited, will reveal whether or not your future spouse has a potential to give you the freddom and liberty we find in Christ Jesus, cause if you have differing views about tyour faith and how you should lead your family devotion and time together this could end up not only threatening your marriage but could also put you in legal and financial jeopardy, when the divorce bells come ringing.
8. Have you ever hit someone?
If your future spouse has anger management issues, puts you down, tells her family about every thing that transpires in your relationship, quite jealous, have a domineering attitude, wants you to be like his or her parents or tries to control who you see and what you do, or is causing you to walk on egg shells, cancel your wedding.
These are signs of a potentially abusive personality. Don't think you can "save" him or her. You can't. This is a problem that needs professional counseling.
9. Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?
All marriages should be a monogamous relationship. Some certain individulas don’t see keeping one man or woman, even though they are married, If your future spouse and you have differing opinions on what cheating is or isn't, don't get married until this issue has been discussed.
10. What do you think we'll be doing in thirty or forty years?
If your future spouse can't answer this or won't answer this, then the two of you need to talk about long-lasting marriage expectations. Why marry someone who doesn't think your marriage will last?
Don't make that mistake. Don't get married without knowing your future spouse's thoughts on these issues that can kill a marriage.
Compromise is usually not an option if the two of you disagree on these issues that can be deal breakers.
1. Do you want to have children?
It is a huge red flag in your relationship if you and your future spouse can not agree on whether to have children or not. Thinking that you can deal with this issue later in your marriage is a mistake. Making a decision to have a baby when one parent doesn't want to have children is not fair to the child or to your marriage
2. Can we talk about money?
The mechanics of how the two of you will handle your finances really isn't the issue. Many couples in successful marriages have separate checking accounts and many couples in successful marriages have one account.
The issue is whether or not the two of you can calmly and practically talk about money. If how your money is spent, or saved, or not spent is an issue before you get married, it will be an even bigger issue after your wedding.
If your future spouse doesn't want to talk about money, or doesn't think talking about money is important, postpone your wedding until this issue is solved.
3. Can we talk about sex?
There is no way of predicting the future when it comes to an individual's sexual libido. Albeit abstaince is the key while courting, as this will affect your ability to master SKELETON WOMAN aka lady death when she surfaces in your relationship, get to work on your communication, friendship, parents, likes and dislikes before even venturing into the secluded world of spiritual fantasies and pleasure.
However, if the two of you are already having sexual issues, you shouldn't get married until the issues are settled.Differences in sexual frequency, desire, preferences, fantasies, masturbation, pornography, expectations, etc. will tear the two of you apart. If you and your partner are unable to talk about the issues, or if your future spouse doesn't see any real problem, or doesn't want to talk about sex with you, cancel the wedding.
4. How much time will we spend with our in-laws?
They may be wonderful people who love you both, but your in-laws should not be allowed to interfere in your marriage or relationship.
If either one of you will not set boundaries with your own parents when it comes to visits, phone calls, finances, children, etc., the problem with your in-laws will only worsen.
5. Will you clean the toilet?
If the answer is "no" or "why should I?" or "Isn't that your job?", you have several options.
• You can hire someone to do the chores that neither of you wants to do.
• You can accept that you will be doing 90% of the chores around the house.
• You can discuss the importance of sharing the household chores together.
If none of these options work out, call off the wedding. This is another one of those issues that won't suddenly get better after you sign the marriage license.
6. How do you want to spend our days off?
The answer to this question will reveal several things.
• How your future spouse likes to spend free time.
• The value your future spouse places on having fun together.
• Whether or not you will come first before work.
Balancing work and fun and family time and personal time is not easy.
Without talking about the time aspect of your life together, you may find yourself grumbling because your spouse is spending what you consider to be too much time with old friends and extended family, or on hobbies, sports, the computer, etc.
Living a balanced life together will create the time you both need, individually and together, for vacations, quiet time, and fun time.
7. How often do you Pray?
The answer to this question, or to questions about quite times with God and practising your faith unhibited, will reveal whether or not your future spouse has a potential to give you the freddom and liberty we find in Christ Jesus, cause if you have differing views about tyour faith and how you should lead your family devotion and time together this could end up not only threatening your marriage but could also put you in legal and financial jeopardy, when the divorce bells come ringing.
8. Have you ever hit someone?
If your future spouse has anger management issues, puts you down, tells her family about every thing that transpires in your relationship, quite jealous, have a domineering attitude, wants you to be like his or her parents or tries to control who you see and what you do, or is causing you to walk on egg shells, cancel your wedding.
These are signs of a potentially abusive personality. Don't think you can "save" him or her. You can't. This is a problem that needs professional counseling.
9. Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?
All marriages should be a monogamous relationship. Some certain individulas don’t see keeping one man or woman, even though they are married, If your future spouse and you have differing opinions on what cheating is or isn't, don't get married until this issue has been discussed.
10. What do you think we'll be doing in thirty or forty years?
If your future spouse can't answer this or won't answer this, then the two of you need to talk about long-lasting marriage expectations. Why marry someone who doesn't think your marriage will last?
Unleash The Power Within ( Six Human Needs ) = Tony Robbins
If these basic human needs are present in all relationships, then that's half the job done, however you need to treat your date and courtship similar to an interview session, whereby you not only use all that time for fun.
But before SKELETON WOMAN TURNS UP, you get as much information about your partner's personality type, see if you are compatible or not and based on their personality type, are they capable of providing you with what you want in life, doing it at their best, all the time and in the long term of your partnership together.
However if that's not the case, but you equally love one another so much and are both prepared to work hard at modifying your personality types to suit each other wants and needs i.e. change then you're on to a winner.
Note also, that transformational change is a journey and not a destination, you have to be patient enough and die to self, so you can live for your partner, as Jesus admonished us, simply meaning we should through education conquer our EGO'S, life is such fun, when we surrender to one another, than letting our ego's get in the way of things, by feeding on our emotions.
1) Certainty/Comfort = We all want comfort. And much of this comfort comes from certainty. Of course there is no ABSOLUTE certainty, but we want certainty the car will start, the water will flow from the tap when we turn it on and the currency we use will hold its value.
2) Variety = At the same time we want certainty, we also crave variety. Paradoxically, there needs to be enough UNcertainty to provide spice and adventure in our lives.
Variety, will be in the form of engaging in different activities, visiting different places together, supporting each others interest, taking a liking in one's partner hobby or events.
This will bring in new positive energy into your relationship, thereby helping to reduce stress, bring about growth and also eliminate boredom, due to each other becoming comfortable with one another and living repitious & mundane lives.
3) Significance = Deep down, we all want to be important. We want our life to have meaning and significance. I can imagine no worse a death than to think my life didn't matter.
4) Connection/Love = It would be hard to argue against the need for love. We want to feel part of a community. We want to be cared for and cared about.
5) Growth = There could be some people who say they don't want to grow, but I think they're simply fearful of doing so—or perhaps NOT doing so. To become better, to improve our skills, to stretch and excel may be more evident in some than others, but it's there.
6) Contribution = The desire to contribute something of value—to help others, to make the world a better place than we found it is in all of us.
If we refuse to contribute or support our partner, this will bring about resentment, it doesn't mean they aren't understanding, but due to human nature, their is a certain degree of expectation that a significant other in your life places on you, which is support and contribute something positive into their life purpose and dreams.
But before SKELETON WOMAN TURNS UP, you get as much information about your partner's personality type, see if you are compatible or not and based on their personality type, are they capable of providing you with what you want in life, doing it at their best, all the time and in the long term of your partnership together.
However if that's not the case, but you equally love one another so much and are both prepared to work hard at modifying your personality types to suit each other wants and needs i.e. change then you're on to a winner.
Note also, that transformational change is a journey and not a destination, you have to be patient enough and die to self, so you can live for your partner, as Jesus admonished us, simply meaning we should through education conquer our EGO'S, life is such fun, when we surrender to one another, than letting our ego's get in the way of things, by feeding on our emotions.
1) Certainty/Comfort = We all want comfort. And much of this comfort comes from certainty. Of course there is no ABSOLUTE certainty, but we want certainty the car will start, the water will flow from the tap when we turn it on and the currency we use will hold its value.
2) Variety = At the same time we want certainty, we also crave variety. Paradoxically, there needs to be enough UNcertainty to provide spice and adventure in our lives.
Variety, will be in the form of engaging in different activities, visiting different places together, supporting each others interest, taking a liking in one's partner hobby or events.
This will bring in new positive energy into your relationship, thereby helping to reduce stress, bring about growth and also eliminate boredom, due to each other becoming comfortable with one another and living repitious & mundane lives.
3) Significance = Deep down, we all want to be important. We want our life to have meaning and significance. I can imagine no worse a death than to think my life didn't matter.
4) Connection/Love = It would be hard to argue against the need for love. We want to feel part of a community. We want to be cared for and cared about.
5) Growth = There could be some people who say they don't want to grow, but I think they're simply fearful of doing so—or perhaps NOT doing so. To become better, to improve our skills, to stretch and excel may be more evident in some than others, but it's there.
6) Contribution = The desire to contribute something of value—to help others, to make the world a better place than we found it is in all of us.
If we refuse to contribute or support our partner, this will bring about resentment, it doesn't mean they aren't understanding, but due to human nature, their is a certain degree of expectation that a significant other in your life places on you, which is support and contribute something positive into their life purpose and dreams.
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