Don't let the magic fade after years of marriage. Sandra Magsamen, author of "Living Artfully" and an expert on making meaningful moments, offers advice on how to make love last ─ including ending each day with a smooch, for real.
If you ask 100 people to share a bit of advice regarding how to make a happy marriage, I'll bet you'll get 100 different thoughts on the subject. I'm pretty sure that everything from housekeeping to home wrecking would be covered in the responses you'll hear.
In my experience, the advice people share comes mostly from their own lives, and more often than not it's advice they might want to consider taking themselves. The advice I have to impart certainly falls in that category. I've been married 26 years and, without oversharing, can honestly say it's been a pretty darn fine ride. Don't get me wrong — there have been difficult days, lessons learned and obstacles faced, but I've always known that's pretty much how life goes.
The way I see it, life is a journey. Sometimes it's stormy and you get caught in a downpour, sometimes you dance in the sunlight and occasionally you get to see a big, bright, beautiful rainbow. What makes the journey so interesting is who travels with you and how you decide to travel. I'm pretty sure the bumper sticker that reads, "The joy of the journey is not in reaching the destination but in the ride," is one of those simple truths and is most assuredly an ancient wisdom.
If along the journey you meet someone you want to marry, my advice in a nutshell is, "Never forget to kiss each other good night." I know it seems like surprisingly basic and pleasant advice, but it is also time-tested and downright good for you.
Let's face it: We are running so fast through life. Our days are packed with work, chores, obligations, dirty dishes, laundry, phone calls, text messages, the Internet, e-mails, high gas prices, low stock prices and more to do than we want to. Although we have every intention of putting our partners first, sometimes we get swept up in the tsunami of life and they get washed out with our good intentions.
Without knowing it, we suddenly find ourselves floating in a sea of things to do and, although not intended, our relationships are taken for granted. We don't plan it — we really don't even see it or feel it — but before we know it, we have floated away from each other.
When you never forget to kiss each other good night, you create a life raft, and you can't float away so quickly because you acknowledge each other, pause, connect and express your love. The golden rule seems to work here. If you treat your partner the way you want to be treated, you'll have a really great shot at creating the kind of marriage that you want. If you stretch throughout the day my advice of never forgetting to kiss each other good night and create small ways to put love in your life, you'll build intimacy and closeness and your kindness and care will honor your partner and grow your relationship.
There are as many ways to connect and express your love as there are stars in the sky. I am not talking about the big stuff like the gift of jewelry or throwing surprise parties. I am suggesting you infuse and nourish your relationship with small, thoughtful, meaningful acts of love. Let your imagination run wild. Be creative, playful, romantic, silly and, above all, be yourself.
1. Tape a little love note on the bottom of your loved one's glass of milk or juice. Watch as he or she finds the treasure at the bottom of the glass.
2. Start the day off by bringing your partner coffee in bed or with a little love by making heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast.
3. Say thank you for the little things you share.
4. Be gentle and conscious about creating a relationship and a home that is a safe, loving oasis.
5. Instead of dinner at the dining room table, surprise your partner with a picnic on the living room floor or in the backyard if it's a beautiful evening.
6. Wrap a candy bar in a note that says, "You're my sweetheart," or "You're the sweetest thing in my life" or "Have a sweet day."
7. Leave a little note on the steering wheel that reads, "I love you with all of my heart."
8. Have a CD of you partner's favorite music or a book on tape they have wanted to hear waiting on the dash of his or her car, with a note, telling him/her to listen.
9. Surprise him or her at the office with a special lunch brought in for two.
10. Send a text message that reads, "Thinking of you" or "You're hot" or something sassy and sexy.
11. Cut a bunch of flowers from the garden or just one and place in a vase on the night stand.
12. Leave a little note under the pillow that simply says, "I love you."
13. Create a simple, elegant, handmade card by cutting a heart out of a paper you like (a piece of wrapping paper, newspaper, tissue or floral wallpaper) and gluing it to a blank card. Fill the inside of the card with quotes on love.
Try these ideas and create a million more of your own. Each of these gestures is a small acknowledgment of the love you feel in your heart, and they will resonate with the one you love. I promise you these little acts will multiply in a big way. Simple, heartfelt acts beautifully break through the chaos of your days, infusing them with a gentle order. Time slows, and the person you touch will feel inclined to pass along this newfound sense of happiness and love.
Showing posts with label Balanced Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Balanced Life. Show all posts
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Why You Haven't Met 'The One' by Amy Spencer
If you're stuck in an unsuccessful dating rut and wondering why The One is so elusive, perhaps it's time to change your thinking about how and whom you date. Read on!
It happens to the best of us: There you are, going on date after date, but none of them seem to be panning out. Maybe you’re just having a string of bad luck. But then again, sometimes — just sometimes — there’s more out there for you than you’ve noticed. Just because you’re keeping your eyes peeled for love doesn’t mean your heart is entirely open. If you can’t put your finger on why you’re still looking, check our list of the most common dating ruts. If you’re in one of them now, you have the power to change your outlook. Then, when someone with potential crosses your path, you’ll recognize it immediately and be ready to pounce!
Problem: You aren’t feeling instant sparks
Solution: Forget romance for a sec and use the "friend" filter
When we go on a date, we’re usually looking for some hit-us-over-the-head romantic chemistry, and when we don’t feel it, we think the date is a waste of time. But that’s not true! "If you have a strong negative reaction to someone you meet, that’s one thing, but a neutral or unsure reaction to a person can turn into chemistry down the line — and those who shut the door right away won’t get to find that out," says Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D., author of the Boomer’s Guide to Dating (Again) and creator of Wakingdesire.com. So how can you be sure you’re open to later-blooming chemistry? Simple: Instead of using the "romance" filter that measures that love-at-first-sight chemistry, use the "friend" filter on your next date. Think about it: When you talk to a new person at a party, you don’t use cocktail conversation to search out what the two of you don’t have in common; you look for the things you do have in common. Try doing that on your next date. Instead of casting off your date too quickly (as in "Oh, he’s not into music," or "Oh, she’s far too quiet compared to me"), hone in on whether you both love Frasier reruns, have similar views on immigration, or can’t stand cheese plates.
The pursuit of friendship takes the pressure off by making the goal of the date learning about the person," says Dr. Helgoe. Which, let’s be honest, is what a first date should be anyway. Because the more common ground you discover, the more likely chemistry can develop later.
Problem: Your dates look great on paper… but that’s it
Solution: Pay attention to how you’re feeling vs. your date’s résumé
So this person has a ton of wonderful qualities. That’s fine, for a start. But amazing chemistry isn’t just about finding someone you admire or think would be a great life partner. It’s about how you feel when you’re with that person. For instance, if the date you had last night was friendly and gregarious, but you felt more meek or quiet than usual in his or her shadow, that doesn’t make for strong chemistry. "You want to really feel like yourself — your happiest, most excited self," explains Rhonda Findling, author of The Dating Cure. So on your next rendezvous, don’t merely ask, "Do I like this person?" Also ask yourself, "Do I like myself when I’m around this person?" And with an attitude like that, you just may recognize something brilliant very soon.
Problem: You don’t think this person has long-term potential
Solution: Try the "Carpe date-’em" trick
We single people are so afraid of "settling" that we can’t help looking ahead to the future in the first few minutes on a date. In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson asks Diane Keaton if she wants to go for a walk along the beach. She stammers and wavers until finally he says, "It’s just a walk, not a marriage proposal!" Try to think of your dates the same way. It’s not a long-term commitment... it’s a latte. Take it one step at a time. You know that saying "carpe diem" — in Latin, it means seize the day? Instead of carpe diem, carpe date-’em! Go one a date for what it is, and don’t start obsessing about whether this person wants the same number of kids as you do. Going slow is fine.
Problem: You swear all the good ones are taken already
Solution: Look again… at people you usually pass over
Thanks to all the adorably hopeful romantic comedy movies they keep making, it’s sometimes hard to shake the thought that someone, somewhere, someday, will sweep you off your feet and move with you to an old vineyard in Italy. But what about your neighbor who hits the same coffee shop in the morning 30 seconds after you do? Like traffic accidents, love accidents often happen close to home. You may be looking for a fairy tale, but remember that sometimes, the fairy tale is finding someone when you’re taking out the trash.
"Think about the happy ending in Bridget Jones’ Diary," says Dr. Helgoe. "She didn’t end up with her sexy boss… she ended up with the guy she met at the family party wearing a reindeer sweater!" So keep your antenna up 24/7 and the next time you wonder, "Where are all the good single men and women?" remind yourself they may be standing next to you on line at Old Navy or Whole Foods.
Problem: You feel down about yourself and not date-worthy
Solution: Give yourself a pre-date pep rally
After traveling a few miles on the road to nobody special, it’s easy to start blaming yourself. You wind up going out and socializing or turning up on a date with a sad-sack attitude. (Hint: Not a turn-on…) Nobody wants to date a downer, so it’s time to corral the cheerleaders in your life to remind you why you’re such a catch. One hour before your next date, give one of your cheerleaders a call. Maybe it’s an older brother who says, "Dude, you are a fine specimen. Go get ’em!" When I’m having a down dating spell, I email my gay friend (the Will to my Grace) my latest dating sob story just so he’ll write back, "Are you kidding? You’re the prettiest girl in the world! If I liked girls, I would have wanted to marry you five years ago!" Is it hokey? Yes. Does it work every time? You betcha.
It happens to the best of us: There you are, going on date after date, but none of them seem to be panning out. Maybe you’re just having a string of bad luck. But then again, sometimes — just sometimes — there’s more out there for you than you’ve noticed. Just because you’re keeping your eyes peeled for love doesn’t mean your heart is entirely open. If you can’t put your finger on why you’re still looking, check our list of the most common dating ruts. If you’re in one of them now, you have the power to change your outlook. Then, when someone with potential crosses your path, you’ll recognize it immediately and be ready to pounce!
Problem: You aren’t feeling instant sparks
Solution: Forget romance for a sec and use the "friend" filter
When we go on a date, we’re usually looking for some hit-us-over-the-head romantic chemistry, and when we don’t feel it, we think the date is a waste of time. But that’s not true! "If you have a strong negative reaction to someone you meet, that’s one thing, but a neutral or unsure reaction to a person can turn into chemistry down the line — and those who shut the door right away won’t get to find that out," says Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D., author of the Boomer’s Guide to Dating (Again) and creator of Wakingdesire.com. So how can you be sure you’re open to later-blooming chemistry? Simple: Instead of using the "romance" filter that measures that love-at-first-sight chemistry, use the "friend" filter on your next date. Think about it: When you talk to a new person at a party, you don’t use cocktail conversation to search out what the two of you don’t have in common; you look for the things you do have in common. Try doing that on your next date. Instead of casting off your date too quickly (as in "Oh, he’s not into music," or "Oh, she’s far too quiet compared to me"), hone in on whether you both love Frasier reruns, have similar views on immigration, or can’t stand cheese plates.
The pursuit of friendship takes the pressure off by making the goal of the date learning about the person," says Dr. Helgoe. Which, let’s be honest, is what a first date should be anyway. Because the more common ground you discover, the more likely chemistry can develop later.
Problem: Your dates look great on paper… but that’s it
Solution: Pay attention to how you’re feeling vs. your date’s résumé
So this person has a ton of wonderful qualities. That’s fine, for a start. But amazing chemistry isn’t just about finding someone you admire or think would be a great life partner. It’s about how you feel when you’re with that person. For instance, if the date you had last night was friendly and gregarious, but you felt more meek or quiet than usual in his or her shadow, that doesn’t make for strong chemistry. "You want to really feel like yourself — your happiest, most excited self," explains Rhonda Findling, author of The Dating Cure. So on your next rendezvous, don’t merely ask, "Do I like this person?" Also ask yourself, "Do I like myself when I’m around this person?" And with an attitude like that, you just may recognize something brilliant very soon.
Problem: You don’t think this person has long-term potential
Solution: Try the "Carpe date-’em" trick
We single people are so afraid of "settling" that we can’t help looking ahead to the future in the first few minutes on a date. In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson asks Diane Keaton if she wants to go for a walk along the beach. She stammers and wavers until finally he says, "It’s just a walk, not a marriage proposal!" Try to think of your dates the same way. It’s not a long-term commitment... it’s a latte. Take it one step at a time. You know that saying "carpe diem" — in Latin, it means seize the day? Instead of carpe diem, carpe date-’em! Go one a date for what it is, and don’t start obsessing about whether this person wants the same number of kids as you do. Going slow is fine.
Problem: You swear all the good ones are taken already
Solution: Look again… at people you usually pass over
Thanks to all the adorably hopeful romantic comedy movies they keep making, it’s sometimes hard to shake the thought that someone, somewhere, someday, will sweep you off your feet and move with you to an old vineyard in Italy. But what about your neighbor who hits the same coffee shop in the morning 30 seconds after you do? Like traffic accidents, love accidents often happen close to home. You may be looking for a fairy tale, but remember that sometimes, the fairy tale is finding someone when you’re taking out the trash.
"Think about the happy ending in Bridget Jones’ Diary," says Dr. Helgoe. "She didn’t end up with her sexy boss… she ended up with the guy she met at the family party wearing a reindeer sweater!" So keep your antenna up 24/7 and the next time you wonder, "Where are all the good single men and women?" remind yourself they may be standing next to you on line at Old Navy or Whole Foods.
Problem: You feel down about yourself and not date-worthy
Solution: Give yourself a pre-date pep rally
After traveling a few miles on the road to nobody special, it’s easy to start blaming yourself. You wind up going out and socializing or turning up on a date with a sad-sack attitude. (Hint: Not a turn-on…) Nobody wants to date a downer, so it’s time to corral the cheerleaders in your life to remind you why you’re such a catch. One hour before your next date, give one of your cheerleaders a call. Maybe it’s an older brother who says, "Dude, you are a fine specimen. Go get ’em!" When I’m having a down dating spell, I email my gay friend (the Will to my Grace) my latest dating sob story just so he’ll write back, "Are you kidding? You’re the prettiest girl in the world! If I liked girls, I would have wanted to marry you five years ago!" Is it hokey? Yes. Does it work every time? You betcha.
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