Although, even women themselves may accept that to make women happy requires some effort, it is not very hard to do and is perfectly possible. After all, what men get after making their women happy can be infinite happiness and is certainly worth trying.
What a woman wants from her partner is generally much simpler then what a man might think. Many times women only need to talk. However, even this simple need may cause complex problems in a relationship and men start to believe that it is impossible to make women happy.
In reality, the problem occurs because of huge differences between men and women. When a woman wants to talk, she may just want to talk. On the other hand, when a woman starts talking, her partner may automatically try to solve the problem or to declare his opinions to everything she mentions. Actually, what a woman needs many times is only her partner's attention to what she is saying and to be listened to.
Another complex issue between women and men is one that actually unbelievably simple. It is a very well known fact that women want men to buy flowers for them. But men insistently think that it is very banal and old fashioned to buy flowers to their women. Even this simple issue may cause problems in a relationship, and men unfairly start to believe that to make women happy is not possible. Actually, what women want is to be thought of by their man and being showed it in a romantic way.
What men should do actually is that instead of making themselves believe hopelessly that women can't be made happy, they should start doing little things that they have always ignored. For example, they should call their women couple of times a day for no reason and just for insuring her that, regardless of how busy they are, they still think their women.
Finally, if men really want to make women happy, they should start doing the simple but always ignored things. Some of those things include sending flowers to their women unexpectedly, taking them to a romantic bar to listen to live music, or maybe leaving them a romantic note.
If you fail to make your woman happy and if you loose her love you may need to get some useful advice from a relationship expert.
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
Before You Get Engaged
Despite romantic stories of down-on-one-knee proposals, most couples these days just decide together that it's time to get engaged. If you're at that point, or almost there, here are some things to think about before an engagement:
-- Why are you getting married?
-- What do you both envision for your life together?
-- Do you want children? If so, how many? Will one of you quit or cut back on work to raise them?
-- Do you want to live in the city? Country? Abroad?
-- What are your joint financial goals? How are you going to reach them?
-- How do you plan to balance "couple time" with "independent time"?
It's entirely likely that you will disagree on one or more of these issues. Having these discussions now, speaking honestly and making agreements in consensus, may save you a great deal of trouble after the marriage.
Frequently, the process of planning a wedding brings out differences in the ways you handle conflict, family expectations, household responsibilities, and social obligations. These, too, are opportunities for shared learning and growth (or, in extreme cases, signs that you should walk away now).
-- Why are you getting married?
-- What do you both envision for your life together?
-- Do you want children? If so, how many? Will one of you quit or cut back on work to raise them?
-- Do you want to live in the city? Country? Abroad?
-- What are your joint financial goals? How are you going to reach them?
-- How do you plan to balance "couple time" with "independent time"?
It's entirely likely that you will disagree on one or more of these issues. Having these discussions now, speaking honestly and making agreements in consensus, may save you a great deal of trouble after the marriage.
Frequently, the process of planning a wedding brings out differences in the ways you handle conflict, family expectations, household responsibilities, and social obligations. These, too, are opportunities for shared learning and growth (or, in extreme cases, signs that you should walk away now).
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Always Kiss Each Other Good Night by Sandra Magsamen
Don't let the magic fade after years of marriage. Sandra Magsamen, author of "Living Artfully" and an expert on making meaningful moments, offers advice on how to make love last ─ including ending each day with a smooch, for real.
If you ask 100 people to share a bit of advice regarding how to make a happy marriage, I'll bet you'll get 100 different thoughts on the subject. I'm pretty sure that everything from housekeeping to home wrecking would be covered in the responses you'll hear.
In my experience, the advice people share comes mostly from their own lives, and more often than not it's advice they might want to consider taking themselves. The advice I have to impart certainly falls in that category. I've been married 26 years and, without oversharing, can honestly say it's been a pretty darn fine ride. Don't get me wrong — there have been difficult days, lessons learned and obstacles faced, but I've always known that's pretty much how life goes.
The way I see it, life is a journey. Sometimes it's stormy and you get caught in a downpour, sometimes you dance in the sunlight and occasionally you get to see a big, bright, beautiful rainbow. What makes the journey so interesting is who travels with you and how you decide to travel. I'm pretty sure the bumper sticker that reads, "The joy of the journey is not in reaching the destination but in the ride," is one of those simple truths and is most assuredly an ancient wisdom.
If along the journey you meet someone you want to marry, my advice in a nutshell is, "Never forget to kiss each other good night." I know it seems like surprisingly basic and pleasant advice, but it is also time-tested and downright good for you.
Let's face it: We are running so fast through life. Our days are packed with work, chores, obligations, dirty dishes, laundry, phone calls, text messages, the Internet, e-mails, high gas prices, low stock prices and more to do than we want to. Although we have every intention of putting our partners first, sometimes we get swept up in the tsunami of life and they get washed out with our good intentions.
Without knowing it, we suddenly find ourselves floating in a sea of things to do and, although not intended, our relationships are taken for granted. We don't plan it — we really don't even see it or feel it — but before we know it, we have floated away from each other.
When you never forget to kiss each other good night, you create a life raft, and you can't float away so quickly because you acknowledge each other, pause, connect and express your love. The golden rule seems to work here. If you treat your partner the way you want to be treated, you'll have a really great shot at creating the kind of marriage that you want. If you stretch throughout the day my advice of never forgetting to kiss each other good night and create small ways to put love in your life, you'll build intimacy and closeness and your kindness and care will honor your partner and grow your relationship.
There are as many ways to connect and express your love as there are stars in the sky. I am not talking about the big stuff like the gift of jewelry or throwing surprise parties. I am suggesting you infuse and nourish your relationship with small, thoughtful, meaningful acts of love. Let your imagination run wild. Be creative, playful, romantic, silly and, above all, be yourself.
1. Tape a little love note on the bottom of your loved one's glass of milk or juice. Watch as he or she finds the treasure at the bottom of the glass.
2. Start the day off by bringing your partner coffee in bed or with a little love by making heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast.
3. Say thank you for the little things you share.
4. Be gentle and conscious about creating a relationship and a home that is a safe, loving oasis.
5. Instead of dinner at the dining room table, surprise your partner with a picnic on the living room floor or in the backyard if it's a beautiful evening.
6. Wrap a candy bar in a note that says, "You're my sweetheart," or "You're the sweetest thing in my life" or "Have a sweet day."
7. Leave a little note on the steering wheel that reads, "I love you with all of my heart."
8. Have a CD of you partner's favorite music or a book on tape they have wanted to hear waiting on the dash of his or her car, with a note, telling him/her to listen.
9. Surprise him or her at the office with a special lunch brought in for two.
10. Send a text message that reads, "Thinking of you" or "You're hot" or something sassy and sexy.
11. Cut a bunch of flowers from the garden or just one and place in a vase on the night stand.
12. Leave a little note under the pillow that simply says, "I love you."
13. Create a simple, elegant, handmade card by cutting a heart out of a paper you like (a piece of wrapping paper, newspaper, tissue or floral wallpaper) and gluing it to a blank card. Fill the inside of the card with quotes on love.
Try these ideas and create a million more of your own. Each of these gestures is a small acknowledgment of the love you feel in your heart, and they will resonate with the one you love. I promise you these little acts will multiply in a big way. Simple, heartfelt acts beautifully break through the chaos of your days, infusing them with a gentle order. Time slows, and the person you touch will feel inclined to pass along this newfound sense of happiness and love.
If you ask 100 people to share a bit of advice regarding how to make a happy marriage, I'll bet you'll get 100 different thoughts on the subject. I'm pretty sure that everything from housekeeping to home wrecking would be covered in the responses you'll hear.
In my experience, the advice people share comes mostly from their own lives, and more often than not it's advice they might want to consider taking themselves. The advice I have to impart certainly falls in that category. I've been married 26 years and, without oversharing, can honestly say it's been a pretty darn fine ride. Don't get me wrong — there have been difficult days, lessons learned and obstacles faced, but I've always known that's pretty much how life goes.
The way I see it, life is a journey. Sometimes it's stormy and you get caught in a downpour, sometimes you dance in the sunlight and occasionally you get to see a big, bright, beautiful rainbow. What makes the journey so interesting is who travels with you and how you decide to travel. I'm pretty sure the bumper sticker that reads, "The joy of the journey is not in reaching the destination but in the ride," is one of those simple truths and is most assuredly an ancient wisdom.
If along the journey you meet someone you want to marry, my advice in a nutshell is, "Never forget to kiss each other good night." I know it seems like surprisingly basic and pleasant advice, but it is also time-tested and downright good for you.
Let's face it: We are running so fast through life. Our days are packed with work, chores, obligations, dirty dishes, laundry, phone calls, text messages, the Internet, e-mails, high gas prices, low stock prices and more to do than we want to. Although we have every intention of putting our partners first, sometimes we get swept up in the tsunami of life and they get washed out with our good intentions.
Without knowing it, we suddenly find ourselves floating in a sea of things to do and, although not intended, our relationships are taken for granted. We don't plan it — we really don't even see it or feel it — but before we know it, we have floated away from each other.
When you never forget to kiss each other good night, you create a life raft, and you can't float away so quickly because you acknowledge each other, pause, connect and express your love. The golden rule seems to work here. If you treat your partner the way you want to be treated, you'll have a really great shot at creating the kind of marriage that you want. If you stretch throughout the day my advice of never forgetting to kiss each other good night and create small ways to put love in your life, you'll build intimacy and closeness and your kindness and care will honor your partner and grow your relationship.
There are as many ways to connect and express your love as there are stars in the sky. I am not talking about the big stuff like the gift of jewelry or throwing surprise parties. I am suggesting you infuse and nourish your relationship with small, thoughtful, meaningful acts of love. Let your imagination run wild. Be creative, playful, romantic, silly and, above all, be yourself.
1. Tape a little love note on the bottom of your loved one's glass of milk or juice. Watch as he or she finds the treasure at the bottom of the glass.
2. Start the day off by bringing your partner coffee in bed or with a little love by making heart-shaped pancakes for breakfast.
3. Say thank you for the little things you share.
4. Be gentle and conscious about creating a relationship and a home that is a safe, loving oasis.
5. Instead of dinner at the dining room table, surprise your partner with a picnic on the living room floor or in the backyard if it's a beautiful evening.
6. Wrap a candy bar in a note that says, "You're my sweetheart," or "You're the sweetest thing in my life" or "Have a sweet day."
7. Leave a little note on the steering wheel that reads, "I love you with all of my heart."
8. Have a CD of you partner's favorite music or a book on tape they have wanted to hear waiting on the dash of his or her car, with a note, telling him/her to listen.
9. Surprise him or her at the office with a special lunch brought in for two.
10. Send a text message that reads, "Thinking of you" or "You're hot" or something sassy and sexy.
11. Cut a bunch of flowers from the garden or just one and place in a vase on the night stand.
12. Leave a little note under the pillow that simply says, "I love you."
13. Create a simple, elegant, handmade card by cutting a heart out of a paper you like (a piece of wrapping paper, newspaper, tissue or floral wallpaper) and gluing it to a blank card. Fill the inside of the card with quotes on love.
Try these ideas and create a million more of your own. Each of these gestures is a small acknowledgment of the love you feel in your heart, and they will resonate with the one you love. I promise you these little acts will multiply in a big way. Simple, heartfelt acts beautifully break through the chaos of your days, infusing them with a gentle order. Time slows, and the person you touch will feel inclined to pass along this newfound sense of happiness and love.
Why You Haven't Met 'The One' by Amy Spencer
If you're stuck in an unsuccessful dating rut and wondering why The One is so elusive, perhaps it's time to change your thinking about how and whom you date. Read on!
It happens to the best of us: There you are, going on date after date, but none of them seem to be panning out. Maybe you’re just having a string of bad luck. But then again, sometimes — just sometimes — there’s more out there for you than you’ve noticed. Just because you’re keeping your eyes peeled for love doesn’t mean your heart is entirely open. If you can’t put your finger on why you’re still looking, check our list of the most common dating ruts. If you’re in one of them now, you have the power to change your outlook. Then, when someone with potential crosses your path, you’ll recognize it immediately and be ready to pounce!
Problem: You aren’t feeling instant sparks
Solution: Forget romance for a sec and use the "friend" filter
When we go on a date, we’re usually looking for some hit-us-over-the-head romantic chemistry, and when we don’t feel it, we think the date is a waste of time. But that’s not true! "If you have a strong negative reaction to someone you meet, that’s one thing, but a neutral or unsure reaction to a person can turn into chemistry down the line — and those who shut the door right away won’t get to find that out," says Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D., author of the Boomer’s Guide to Dating (Again) and creator of Wakingdesire.com. So how can you be sure you’re open to later-blooming chemistry? Simple: Instead of using the "romance" filter that measures that love-at-first-sight chemistry, use the "friend" filter on your next date. Think about it: When you talk to a new person at a party, you don’t use cocktail conversation to search out what the two of you don’t have in common; you look for the things you do have in common. Try doing that on your next date. Instead of casting off your date too quickly (as in "Oh, he’s not into music," or "Oh, she’s far too quiet compared to me"), hone in on whether you both love Frasier reruns, have similar views on immigration, or can’t stand cheese plates.
The pursuit of friendship takes the pressure off by making the goal of the date learning about the person," says Dr. Helgoe. Which, let’s be honest, is what a first date should be anyway. Because the more common ground you discover, the more likely chemistry can develop later.
Problem: Your dates look great on paper… but that’s it
Solution: Pay attention to how you’re feeling vs. your date’s résumé
So this person has a ton of wonderful qualities. That’s fine, for a start. But amazing chemistry isn’t just about finding someone you admire or think would be a great life partner. It’s about how you feel when you’re with that person. For instance, if the date you had last night was friendly and gregarious, but you felt more meek or quiet than usual in his or her shadow, that doesn’t make for strong chemistry. "You want to really feel like yourself — your happiest, most excited self," explains Rhonda Findling, author of The Dating Cure. So on your next rendezvous, don’t merely ask, "Do I like this person?" Also ask yourself, "Do I like myself when I’m around this person?" And with an attitude like that, you just may recognize something brilliant very soon.
Problem: You don’t think this person has long-term potential
Solution: Try the "Carpe date-’em" trick
We single people are so afraid of "settling" that we can’t help looking ahead to the future in the first few minutes on a date. In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson asks Diane Keaton if she wants to go for a walk along the beach. She stammers and wavers until finally he says, "It’s just a walk, not a marriage proposal!" Try to think of your dates the same way. It’s not a long-term commitment... it’s a latte. Take it one step at a time. You know that saying "carpe diem" — in Latin, it means seize the day? Instead of carpe diem, carpe date-’em! Go one a date for what it is, and don’t start obsessing about whether this person wants the same number of kids as you do. Going slow is fine.
Problem: You swear all the good ones are taken already
Solution: Look again… at people you usually pass over
Thanks to all the adorably hopeful romantic comedy movies they keep making, it’s sometimes hard to shake the thought that someone, somewhere, someday, will sweep you off your feet and move with you to an old vineyard in Italy. But what about your neighbor who hits the same coffee shop in the morning 30 seconds after you do? Like traffic accidents, love accidents often happen close to home. You may be looking for a fairy tale, but remember that sometimes, the fairy tale is finding someone when you’re taking out the trash.
"Think about the happy ending in Bridget Jones’ Diary," says Dr. Helgoe. "She didn’t end up with her sexy boss… she ended up with the guy she met at the family party wearing a reindeer sweater!" So keep your antenna up 24/7 and the next time you wonder, "Where are all the good single men and women?" remind yourself they may be standing next to you on line at Old Navy or Whole Foods.
Problem: You feel down about yourself and not date-worthy
Solution: Give yourself a pre-date pep rally
After traveling a few miles on the road to nobody special, it’s easy to start blaming yourself. You wind up going out and socializing or turning up on a date with a sad-sack attitude. (Hint: Not a turn-on…) Nobody wants to date a downer, so it’s time to corral the cheerleaders in your life to remind you why you’re such a catch. One hour before your next date, give one of your cheerleaders a call. Maybe it’s an older brother who says, "Dude, you are a fine specimen. Go get ’em!" When I’m having a down dating spell, I email my gay friend (the Will to my Grace) my latest dating sob story just so he’ll write back, "Are you kidding? You’re the prettiest girl in the world! If I liked girls, I would have wanted to marry you five years ago!" Is it hokey? Yes. Does it work every time? You betcha.
It happens to the best of us: There you are, going on date after date, but none of them seem to be panning out. Maybe you’re just having a string of bad luck. But then again, sometimes — just sometimes — there’s more out there for you than you’ve noticed. Just because you’re keeping your eyes peeled for love doesn’t mean your heart is entirely open. If you can’t put your finger on why you’re still looking, check our list of the most common dating ruts. If you’re in one of them now, you have the power to change your outlook. Then, when someone with potential crosses your path, you’ll recognize it immediately and be ready to pounce!
Problem: You aren’t feeling instant sparks
Solution: Forget romance for a sec and use the "friend" filter
When we go on a date, we’re usually looking for some hit-us-over-the-head romantic chemistry, and when we don’t feel it, we think the date is a waste of time. But that’s not true! "If you have a strong negative reaction to someone you meet, that’s one thing, but a neutral or unsure reaction to a person can turn into chemistry down the line — and those who shut the door right away won’t get to find that out," says Laurie Helgoe, Ph.D., author of the Boomer’s Guide to Dating (Again) and creator of Wakingdesire.com. So how can you be sure you’re open to later-blooming chemistry? Simple: Instead of using the "romance" filter that measures that love-at-first-sight chemistry, use the "friend" filter on your next date. Think about it: When you talk to a new person at a party, you don’t use cocktail conversation to search out what the two of you don’t have in common; you look for the things you do have in common. Try doing that on your next date. Instead of casting off your date too quickly (as in "Oh, he’s not into music," or "Oh, she’s far too quiet compared to me"), hone in on whether you both love Frasier reruns, have similar views on immigration, or can’t stand cheese plates.
The pursuit of friendship takes the pressure off by making the goal of the date learning about the person," says Dr. Helgoe. Which, let’s be honest, is what a first date should be anyway. Because the more common ground you discover, the more likely chemistry can develop later.
Problem: Your dates look great on paper… but that’s it
Solution: Pay attention to how you’re feeling vs. your date’s résumé
So this person has a ton of wonderful qualities. That’s fine, for a start. But amazing chemistry isn’t just about finding someone you admire or think would be a great life partner. It’s about how you feel when you’re with that person. For instance, if the date you had last night was friendly and gregarious, but you felt more meek or quiet than usual in his or her shadow, that doesn’t make for strong chemistry. "You want to really feel like yourself — your happiest, most excited self," explains Rhonda Findling, author of The Dating Cure. So on your next rendezvous, don’t merely ask, "Do I like this person?" Also ask yourself, "Do I like myself when I’m around this person?" And with an attitude like that, you just may recognize something brilliant very soon.
Problem: You don’t think this person has long-term potential
Solution: Try the "Carpe date-’em" trick
We single people are so afraid of "settling" that we can’t help looking ahead to the future in the first few minutes on a date. In the movie Something’s Gotta Give, Jack Nicholson asks Diane Keaton if she wants to go for a walk along the beach. She stammers and wavers until finally he says, "It’s just a walk, not a marriage proposal!" Try to think of your dates the same way. It’s not a long-term commitment... it’s a latte. Take it one step at a time. You know that saying "carpe diem" — in Latin, it means seize the day? Instead of carpe diem, carpe date-’em! Go one a date for what it is, and don’t start obsessing about whether this person wants the same number of kids as you do. Going slow is fine.
Problem: You swear all the good ones are taken already
Solution: Look again… at people you usually pass over
Thanks to all the adorably hopeful romantic comedy movies they keep making, it’s sometimes hard to shake the thought that someone, somewhere, someday, will sweep you off your feet and move with you to an old vineyard in Italy. But what about your neighbor who hits the same coffee shop in the morning 30 seconds after you do? Like traffic accidents, love accidents often happen close to home. You may be looking for a fairy tale, but remember that sometimes, the fairy tale is finding someone when you’re taking out the trash.
"Think about the happy ending in Bridget Jones’ Diary," says Dr. Helgoe. "She didn’t end up with her sexy boss… she ended up with the guy she met at the family party wearing a reindeer sweater!" So keep your antenna up 24/7 and the next time you wonder, "Where are all the good single men and women?" remind yourself they may be standing next to you on line at Old Navy or Whole Foods.
Problem: You feel down about yourself and not date-worthy
Solution: Give yourself a pre-date pep rally
After traveling a few miles on the road to nobody special, it’s easy to start blaming yourself. You wind up going out and socializing or turning up on a date with a sad-sack attitude. (Hint: Not a turn-on…) Nobody wants to date a downer, so it’s time to corral the cheerleaders in your life to remind you why you’re such a catch. One hour before your next date, give one of your cheerleaders a call. Maybe it’s an older brother who says, "Dude, you are a fine specimen. Go get ’em!" When I’m having a down dating spell, I email my gay friend (the Will to my Grace) my latest dating sob story just so he’ll write back, "Are you kidding? You’re the prettiest girl in the world! If I liked girls, I would have wanted to marry you five years ago!" Is it hokey? Yes. Does it work every time? You betcha.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
First Encounters,Not a Time for Fairytales by Simeon Oaks
Everyone puts on a show to impress someone at the beginning of a relationship. You meet a guy, you feel connection, and you want the connection to develop into something stronger. You don't want him losing interest in you and moving on, so you exaggerate a bit to keep him interested. Guys get that. It's only natural.
But first impressions count with guys. You shouldn't come with fine print that he's going to miss and regret later. This is a key area where women shoot themselves in the foot, and it's so unnecessary. The balance of power in the world of dating belongs to women. You hold the power of veto. You are always the one who can say, "Thanks, but no thanks." However, he might walk away if he finds out your first meeting happened behind a facade. So don't give him a reason not to trust you.
Statistics say men lie five times more often than women. (Now ask yourself, is that true, or did I just make it up?) Despite human progress and enlightened times, we're still slaves to our genes. Males are hardwired to impress women. Watch the elaborate dances some birds go through to win over a female -- puffing up their chests and using their feathers to exaggerate how big they are. Human males are no different. They're going to tell you they're richer, stronger, taller and more important than the next guy to win your affections.
The problem is that our equal opportunity world has skewed the curve somewhat. The days of women sitting back, waiting to be picked up are over. Women can now go on the offensive and pick up guys if they desire. With these turned tables, it has become more important for women to impress men.
This new need for women to be proactive when picking up guys increases the chance that you might exaggerate, or fudge certain details to land your man. Don't try to be like us, ladies. Stay true to who you are and don't let the game turn you into an ugly player.
Don't false advertise. Make yourself interesting, but please don't invent stuff. Wild exaggerations backfire for two reasons. First, he feels pretty dumb for believing you. Second, you're not the person he's looking for. He wanted the person you pretended to be, not the real you.
So don't tell him that you're up for threesomes with another girl if you don't mean it, or he's going to be mightily disappointed. Trust me, he is. Don't portray yourself as a hard-drinking, party girl who likes to play fast and loose like Samantha from Sex in the City if that's not you. No man likes to discover his sex kitten is in fact a quiet cat that likes to sleep eighteen hours a day.
The problem kicks in when the exaggerations go beyond shaving a few pounds off your usual weight and using a pushup bra. A minor exaggeration shouldn't develop into a full-blown lie and you want to avoid the Cinderella syndrome. Sure, she ended up with Prince Charming at the end, but do you really think the Prince bought the whole glass slipper-thing hook, line, and sinker? Think again.
The Prince's Version
After the clock chimes twelve and he's left holding nothing but a glass slipper, he checks in with his boys to report on the night.
"Dude, did you see the hottie I was with?"
"Yeah, man. Who is she?"
"Calls herself Cinderella. She's got a real nice ride. Doesn't go anywhere without her entourage in tow. And she sports these tiny glass slippers. Where the hell do you buy glass slippers?"
"Don't know, bro. Did you get her number?"
"Nah."
"Reeejected!"
"No way, man. She was in a rush. I did get one of her glass slippers though. She'll be back for that bad boy."
After waiting around for the three-day no-call period, the Prince figures his glass-footed beauty must've forgot where she left her shoe, so he launches a full-scale search to show off his power.
It takes him a while, but he tracks down Cinderella. Only a whole lot's changed from the night of the ball. Her carriage has turned back into a pumpkin, her entourage is a pack of rodents, and her knockout designer number is just a bunch of rags.
He knows these are just superficial things, but he can't shake the fact that she lied. If she lied about all that, what else is she hiding?
Despite what the fairytale says, Prince Charming isn't going to be as easily forgiving. The issue here is that no guy likes to be deceived. He feels stupid. And regardless of what he previously thought about you, you just turned real unattractive real fast.
Now it sounds like I'm making guys out to be angels. They aren't. Just like you, when they first encounter someone who catches their eye, they're likely to exaggerate just as much, if not more. The key difference between you and him exaggerating is that you expect it. You have a heightened sense for bullshit. Your bullshit detector is NASA quality in comparison to his.
Just remember, be yourself. I know this sounds dumb, but it's not. If you're a quiet girl, then be a quiet girl. If you're a sassy lass, then be a sassy lass. Different men will be attracted to different kinds of women. There are men out there who prefer a quiet girl as much as there are guys who dig dangerous ladies. By not being yourself, you're not only attracting guys you won't like, but you're turning off the guys who would like you for being you.
But first impressions count with guys. You shouldn't come with fine print that he's going to miss and regret later. This is a key area where women shoot themselves in the foot, and it's so unnecessary. The balance of power in the world of dating belongs to women. You hold the power of veto. You are always the one who can say, "Thanks, but no thanks." However, he might walk away if he finds out your first meeting happened behind a facade. So don't give him a reason not to trust you.
Statistics say men lie five times more often than women. (Now ask yourself, is that true, or did I just make it up?) Despite human progress and enlightened times, we're still slaves to our genes. Males are hardwired to impress women. Watch the elaborate dances some birds go through to win over a female -- puffing up their chests and using their feathers to exaggerate how big they are. Human males are no different. They're going to tell you they're richer, stronger, taller and more important than the next guy to win your affections.
The problem is that our equal opportunity world has skewed the curve somewhat. The days of women sitting back, waiting to be picked up are over. Women can now go on the offensive and pick up guys if they desire. With these turned tables, it has become more important for women to impress men.
This new need for women to be proactive when picking up guys increases the chance that you might exaggerate, or fudge certain details to land your man. Don't try to be like us, ladies. Stay true to who you are and don't let the game turn you into an ugly player.
Don't false advertise. Make yourself interesting, but please don't invent stuff. Wild exaggerations backfire for two reasons. First, he feels pretty dumb for believing you. Second, you're not the person he's looking for. He wanted the person you pretended to be, not the real you.
So don't tell him that you're up for threesomes with another girl if you don't mean it, or he's going to be mightily disappointed. Trust me, he is. Don't portray yourself as a hard-drinking, party girl who likes to play fast and loose like Samantha from Sex in the City if that's not you. No man likes to discover his sex kitten is in fact a quiet cat that likes to sleep eighteen hours a day.
The problem kicks in when the exaggerations go beyond shaving a few pounds off your usual weight and using a pushup bra. A minor exaggeration shouldn't develop into a full-blown lie and you want to avoid the Cinderella syndrome. Sure, she ended up with Prince Charming at the end, but do you really think the Prince bought the whole glass slipper-thing hook, line, and sinker? Think again.
The Prince's Version
After the clock chimes twelve and he's left holding nothing but a glass slipper, he checks in with his boys to report on the night.
"Dude, did you see the hottie I was with?"
"Yeah, man. Who is she?"
"Calls herself Cinderella. She's got a real nice ride. Doesn't go anywhere without her entourage in tow. And she sports these tiny glass slippers. Where the hell do you buy glass slippers?"
"Don't know, bro. Did you get her number?"
"Nah."
"Reeejected!"
"No way, man. She was in a rush. I did get one of her glass slippers though. She'll be back for that bad boy."
After waiting around for the three-day no-call period, the Prince figures his glass-footed beauty must've forgot where she left her shoe, so he launches a full-scale search to show off his power.
It takes him a while, but he tracks down Cinderella. Only a whole lot's changed from the night of the ball. Her carriage has turned back into a pumpkin, her entourage is a pack of rodents, and her knockout designer number is just a bunch of rags.
He knows these are just superficial things, but he can't shake the fact that she lied. If she lied about all that, what else is she hiding?
Despite what the fairytale says, Prince Charming isn't going to be as easily forgiving. The issue here is that no guy likes to be deceived. He feels stupid. And regardless of what he previously thought about you, you just turned real unattractive real fast.
Now it sounds like I'm making guys out to be angels. They aren't. Just like you, when they first encounter someone who catches their eye, they're likely to exaggerate just as much, if not more. The key difference between you and him exaggerating is that you expect it. You have a heightened sense for bullshit. Your bullshit detector is NASA quality in comparison to his.
Just remember, be yourself. I know this sounds dumb, but it's not. If you're a quiet girl, then be a quiet girl. If you're a sassy lass, then be a sassy lass. Different men will be attracted to different kinds of women. There are men out there who prefer a quiet girl as much as there are guys who dig dangerous ladies. By not being yourself, you're not only attracting guys you won't like, but you're turning off the guys who would like you for being you.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Relationship to Self
Even if not consciously aware, people crave a return to a state of complete, divine love. During our search, relationships with others are meant to mirror our own current issues. This is a gift as it assists our learning and development.
When you react strongly to someone, whether positive or negative, its purpose is to draw your attention. You are reacting because you hold a judgment about whatever attribute or situation has prompted your response. As long as you hold judgment of others, you can not find the peace you desire within. Whether you are interested in a Jewish relationship or a Christian relationship, the opportunity exists to learn self-acceptance from these interactions.
In practical terms, your spiritual development will be aided by working to overcome the need to defend yourself or prove another “wrong.” Treating your partner and yourself with compassion, instead of criticism and judgment, will develop the most beautiful relationships we are capable of.
Rodegast and Stanton (1994) state this beautifully:
“There is nothing but love. Don’t let the masks and postures fool you. Love is the glue that holds the Universe together. The greatest need in a soul is to achieve that loving of self which will bring about the unity wherein the judgments that have caused such pain are eliminated. Love and compassion for others cannot exist until there is a goodly supply for self. How can you feel the love of God if you do not love yourself? Are they not one and the same thing?”
A loving relationship with yourself is the key to the love and joy you seek.
When you react strongly to someone, whether positive or negative, its purpose is to draw your attention. You are reacting because you hold a judgment about whatever attribute or situation has prompted your response. As long as you hold judgment of others, you can not find the peace you desire within. Whether you are interested in a Jewish relationship or a Christian relationship, the opportunity exists to learn self-acceptance from these interactions.
In practical terms, your spiritual development will be aided by working to overcome the need to defend yourself or prove another “wrong.” Treating your partner and yourself with compassion, instead of criticism and judgment, will develop the most beautiful relationships we are capable of.
Rodegast and Stanton (1994) state this beautifully:
“There is nothing but love. Don’t let the masks and postures fool you. Love is the glue that holds the Universe together. The greatest need in a soul is to achieve that loving of self which will bring about the unity wherein the judgments that have caused such pain are eliminated. Love and compassion for others cannot exist until there is a goodly supply for self. How can you feel the love of God if you do not love yourself? Are they not one and the same thing?”
A loving relationship with yourself is the key to the love and joy you seek.
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