To Love or To Be Loved by Dr. John Douillard

Have you ever asked yourself, "Am I my authentic self?"

Is there a deeper more real version of yourself waiting for the right time to show up, but for the most part letting that person out is just way too risky?!

Maybe when you were three years old, someone hurt your feelings and to survive you had to protect. To do this you employed the services of your mind to help you create a personality that would keep you safe. Maybe you became the class clown, a straight A student or Mom's best helper - the better you played these roles the more they liked you. You were safe, loved and appreciated - who could ask for more?

We are all playing a lead role in a movie made by our minds designed to protect us from getting hurt and we try very hard to make a movie that everyone will like. We casted ourselves in this part when we were three years old and we are still reading the same lines from the same script in that same movie thirty of forty years later. Instead of pleasing our parents we find ourselves pleasing our boss, our spouse and even our kids because the script says if I do these things they will like me. Our minds have convinced us that in order to feel loved we have to continue to perform - even into a state of exhaustion. Soon we become resentful because while bending over backwards for everyone else, sooner or later they will let you down. "For crying out loud! I do so much for them, you would think they would show some appreciation!" When we expect everyone in our world to love us back as a return on the investment we made to them, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment and disaster.

The mind has created this world of illusion to keep us safe at a time when our senses, emotions and intellect were not yet developed. When we were two, we needed this type of protection, but now at thirty-two we can become the director of our movie and change the script, create a new scene and even take on that role that you were always meant to play - your real, vulnerable, loving and powerful self. Living a life without access to this part of yourself will be, in due time, a very depressing experience. Our senses will only offer you temporary pleasure, your emotions will only distract you from the yearning to be yourself for so long until - sooner or later you have to step into this new role. The problem is that the mind has got you convinced that you can't do this. "If you just be yourself and love everyone unconditionally and they don't love you back you will be hurt, devastated, it is way too risky. Just play it safe and stick with what has been working."

The mind will use your senses and emotions to distract you. It will use fear to make sure you never cross over and drive this chariot to the true - real and powerful part of yourself. It has convinced you that you are not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tall enough, skinny enough so you better stay put, safely living out a life in the illusion of the mind.

In the world of illusion we can only be happy when something good happens, if something bad happens we become un-happy. Our happiness is totally dependent on "what's happening!" The joy of our soul is available to all of us, all the time. It is not dependant on something happening - it is the expression of our true nature -- and by definition, truth never changes. It is the emotions that change, or mood changes but who we really are is all-ways there for us. A flower, for example, doesn't count the number of bees that come nor does it pump up its smell just when you walk by. Its nature, as is ours, is to expand itself no matter if anyone ever loves you back. We think that we will feel better when Mr. Right comes along and loves us, fully making all our dreams come true. The reality is that this kind of love will never satisfy you.

Please try this exercise: Take a piece of paper and write a love letter to someone you love fully, completely. Someone you trust with all your heart. Tell them all the ways that you love and appreciate them - really go for it. While writing it know that they will never read this letter - it is for your eyes only. As you write it - become aware of how you feel writing this letter. If possible write that now and then come back and finish this article after you've finished. You will see that as you write this letter you will actually feel loved, feel appreciated, you will feel cared for and even feel important. All the things we so desperately think we need from someone else to make us feel good, we actually experience all by ourselves when we give love freely - without any concern that they will read it and then love you back.

This is the game the mind has been playing on us for all these years. To win this game we have to taste the vulnerability of true love by allowing us to love them without the need for any return of investment. "I love you --- but it is no concern of yours" means I now know that what I really seek is to love rather than to be loved.

True Love is Just a Breath Away
Next time your husband/wife hurts your feelings or irritates you it may be the perfect time to test the water of true love. When hurt, we want them to make up - prove they love us. But maybe we seek permission to love them. So next time he/she leaves the cupboards open, try my One Minute Meditation. Go in the next room, sit comfortably and bellows breathe for 30 seconds, followed by 30 seconds sitting still, both with your eyes closed. A bellows breath is a long, deep and fast nasal breath, using your entire rib cage. This will oxygenate the blood in your brain - disarm your protective nervous system and allow you to reset your access to the truth - which is - you love him/her. Go back, hug and kiss him or her and see how insignificant the cupboard was in a moment of true love

10 Ways To Improve Your Marriage While It’s Raining by Corey Allan

Your environment has a dramatic impact on your mood. You wake up in the morning and glance outside, the sun is up without a cloud in the sky, you get in the sunny day mood. Perhaps you feel a bit more energy, You want to get outside and enjoy the weather. On cold blustery days you long to sit by the fire with something warm to drink, or the other extreme of throwing on extra layers and playing in the snow. But nothing has more impact than when it’s raining. If you’re like most of us, you feel apathetic, tired, you want to crawl back into bed even though you just climbed out 5 minutes earlier.

Let’s say it’s been raining for several days in a row, you’re bored, cooped up, and to top it off, so is your spouse. You’re feeding off each other’s mood. It’s a vicious spiral.

Before you reach the point of needing therapy in order to climb out of your depression, recognize the weather’s influence on your mood. You are stronger than the weather. You can’t control it, weather forecasters can’t even accurately predict it, but you can choose how you react to it. I have often thought about moving to Seattle and opening a therapy practice specializing in depression, but I digress.

What if you chose to try something with your spouse while it’s raining? Make the most of the time. Here are few suggestions:

Read. Seek out a comfortable place for both of you and read. This can be to each other or different books for each of you. Just be together. Sit by each other. Intertwine your legs. You may fall asleep, that’s ok. Then you both get to enjoy a nap. Nothing wrong with that.
Sit on the porch. My wife and I love to sit on our deck while it’s raining. It’s wonderful to just sit together and listen to the rain. Add a cup of something warm to drink and you’ve got a relaxing time together.
Play a game. Break open the game closet and play something together. Yahtzee, Monopoly, or find a deck of cards. Interact. Have fun. You could even crank up the Wii. Just play something together. No time pressures. Play.
Talk. Plan something for the future. Tackle an issue that’s been bugging you. Catch up on your spouse’s life. Find a comfortable place to sit. Relax. Have a conversation.
Work around the house. You are both already stuck inside. Finish some of the projects around the house. Organize an area. Declutter. Go through your clothes and get rid of things. When the sun returns, your house will be more organized and simplified. A double boost of energy.
Go for a walk. Some of my wife and I’s favorite memories are of walking together in the rain. We live by the saying: there’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad gear. Even if you don’t have the gear to keep you completely dry, so what. You’re not going to melt.
Have sex. What better way to break out of feeling down? Rain can be very romantic. Light some candles. Maybe open the window a bit to hear the raindrops. Climb into bed together and take your time. Maybe it’s time to establish the “naked rainy day” policy with your spouse.
Listen to good jazz. While you don’t have to listen to jazz, turn on music you enjoy. Relax. Add in any of the other ideas to this one. Good music often improves whatever is going on together.
Dance. This naturally goes with the good music suggestion. In fact, this could lead to another suggestion as well. Either way, dance with your spouse. Seek them out and ask them to dance. It’s a great way to add spark to your marriage.
Watch a movie. Pop some popcorn. Dim the lights. Cuddle with each other and turn on a good movie

The Stimulus of Understanding by Wendy Strgar

“A man doesn’t learn to understand anything unless he loves it.” Goethe

There is a guy banging his head against a brick wall. When asked why he is banging his head against the brick wall, he pauses and says because “it feels so good when I stop.” It is a silly story of truth for millions. We continue to bang our heads against the same brick walls, partly because it feels good when we stop, but also because we don’t know how to do it differently. More often than not, our response to life stimulus remains the same. In order for any stimulus to really move us into a new place we have learn how to think in a new way and risk giving up the old brick wall.

In one of my favorite reads of late, Stumbling on Happiness, author Daniel Gilbert gives a thorough understanding of the way we are fooled not just by our memory of what has happened but also by our imagination when we project what will happen in the future and how we will feel about it. We humans don’t really learn from each other. Whether it is planning to have a child or starting a new business, we simply refuse to believe that other people’s experience will inform our own. I remember distinctly the advice I got from another local small business owner when I was starting out and I was convinced at the time that my experience would be different. Same for parenting; questions answered from more experienced parents just sounded jaded; little did I know how soon my own responses would resemble theirs.

The reason that we can’t learn from other’s experience is because it is the experience itself which is the teacher. We retain less than 5% of what we are told, (lecturers take note), 10% of what we read, 30% of what we are shown, but what we teach we actually own. This of course begs the question; what is the point of education – to learn or to teach? As far as life lessons go, the answer is one and the same. Our education in life is at once student and teacher. This too is the rub, for how do we expand our capacity to imagine and re-think our life and relationships in a new way, when our personal experience is not broad enough to help us out of where we are stuck?

Learning is a two step process- discovery and mastery. We all have innate capacity for both. Keeping our capacity for discovery vital is one key to lifelong learning and the ability to make different choices with the same stimulus. Children have a penchant for discovery: that is what their days are about. Adults can lose sight of this part of the learning process as they strive for mastery in their life, which is the other half of learning. Mastery is essential; it is where our experience teaches both ourselves and others. It builds our sense of self and as adults defines our identity. But without the openness to discovery, mastery can turn into a short walk to a brick wall. In relationships it often looks like how we leave. Love demands that we continuously discover the other and our relationship over and over again.

President Obama was quoted recently on what keeps his relationship with his wife so vital. “Sometimes when we’re lying together, I look at her and I feel dizzy with the realization that here is another distinct person from me, who has memories, origins, thoughts, feelings that are different from my own. That tension between familiarity and mystery meshes something strong between us. Even if one builds a life together based on trust, attentiveness and mutual support, I think that it is important that a partner continues to surprise.” Recognizing the mystery that exists in every relationship is another way of defining a learning life.


It is true that we don’t really understand anything until we love it, which is the continuous dance between discovery and mastery in the hours we spend at what matters most to us.