Yabatech University of Technology, Yaba recently announced the passing on of the first indigenous Principal of University-
'The first indigenous principal of Yaba College of Technology, Engr. (Dr.) Emmanuel Akintunde Olajire Akinleye has passed on. He died on Thursday, April 22, 2010 at the age of 81 years.
Dr. Akinleye was the first substantive Nigerian Principal appointed for Yaba College of Technology in January, 1971 after the promulgation of the college Decree No. 23 of July, 1969 making Yaba College of technology an autonomous institution.
Before his appointment, Dr. Akinleye was an acting Head of the Department of Electrical
Engineering in the Faculty of Engineering at the University of Lagos. He ended his term of office in Yaba College of Technology in January 1975.
The Governing Council, Rector and Management of Yaba College of Technology, on behalf of the students and staff commiserate with the family of Pa Akinleye and pray that God Almighty will grant him an eternal rest.
His burial has been slated for May 20 and 21, 2010 at Ibadan'
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Monday, November 2, 2009
12 Simple Tips For Relationship Bliss
ne of the most common questions we hear is, "How do we make our relationship work?" The answers are complicated, varied, and, after a while, can start to sound like muddled platitudes. But these commonplace sayings get repeated because they work. With this in mind, we pulled together 12 cliches that, in fact, reveal simple, tried-and-true advice for having a healthy, happy relationship. Read on and let us know what you think:
1. Mind your manners. "Please," "thank you" and "you're welcome," can go a long way in helping your partner remember that you respect and love him and don't take him for granted.
2. Variety is the spice of life. Studies have shown that dullness can lead to dissatisfaction with a relationship. Trying something new can be as simple as visiting an unfamiliar restaurant or as grand as a backpacking trip through Sri Lanka. Discoveries you make together will keep you feeling close.
ne of the most common questions we hear is, "How do we make our relationship work?" The answers are complicated, varied, and, after a while, can start to sound like muddled platitudes. But these commonplace sayings get repeated because they work. With this in mind, we pulled together 12 cliches that, in fact, reveal simple, tried-and-true advice for having a healthy, happy relationship. Read on and let us know what you think:
1. Mind your manners. "Please," "thank you" and "you're welcome," can go a long way in helping your partner remember that you respect and love him and don't take him for granted.
2. Variety is the spice of life. Studies have shown that dullness can lead to dissatisfaction with a relationship. Trying something new can be as simple as visiting an unfamiliar restaurant or as grand as a backpacking trip through Sri Lanka. Discoveries you make together will keep you feeling close.
3.The couple that plays together, stays together. Find a sport or hobby that you both love (no, watching TV does not count) and make that a priority in your relationship. Camping, biking, building model trains... whatever it is, find something you enjoy doing together.
4. Fight right. In order to have productive arguments, keep these rules in mind. Don't call your spouse names. When things get really tough, take a break from the argument. Let the other person finish his/her sentences. Don't initiate a discussion when you're angry.
5. I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine. No one likes demands (unless you're in a BDSM role play), but everyone can appreciate a compromise. If you want your lover to do something and you're not sure he'll be agreeable, the quickest way to avoid a confrontation is to sweeten the deal. For example: "Sure, I'll watch Monday Night Football if you take me to see the next movie of my choice."
6. Two heads are better than one. Being in a relationship basically means you've made a merger; you've not only joined assets but inherited the other's problems as well. Rather than looking at his problems as merely his own, tackle them together. For example, if he's gaining weight, rather than pushing him to diet on his own, enroll in an exercise program together.
7. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Maintain your own friendships and occasionally have a night out without your significant other. Doing things without your s.o. not only makes you miss him or her, it also keeps you sane. And, in case the relationship doesn't work out, you'll still have your friends.
8. Sound it out. It other words: communicate! Talking out the tough subjects—money, religion, fidelity, raising kids—will not be the most fun you've had, but it'll be valuable.
9. Laughter is the best medicine. Learn to laugh at yourself and at silly mistakes. If he throws your $300 cashmere sweater in the dryer, laughing it off is, in the long run, better than getting angry. It's is just a $300 cashmere sweater, not the end of the world.
10. Keep your eyes on the prize. Yes, he forgot your co-worker's name for the tenth time, but it probably doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. If you keep your perspective fixed on the goal—to be in a happy, functioning partnership—you're less likely to get tangled up in every minor annoyance. Remember, you both want the same thing.
11. Quitters never win. Find a ritual and keep it alive, no matter what. Whether it's always kissing each other good night, renewing wedding vows every year, sleeping in as late as you want once a month or committing to having sex once a week, pick something that makes you both feel good and stick to it, even when you're tempted to skip.
12. When the going gets tough, the tough get going... to therapy. Studies show that couples who seek counseling during rocky periods are more successful in resolving their issues than those who don't. Whether its from a religious figure, counselor or mental health professional, getting an expert to help sort out strife is as wise as forgoing self-installation and hiring a plumber to put in a new sink.
What keeps your relationship strong? Let us know in the comments.
1. Mind your manners. "Please," "thank you" and "you're welcome," can go a long way in helping your partner remember that you respect and love him and don't take him for granted.
2. Variety is the spice of life. Studies have shown that dullness can lead to dissatisfaction with a relationship. Trying something new can be as simple as visiting an unfamiliar restaurant or as grand as a backpacking trip through Sri Lanka. Discoveries you make together will keep you feeling close.
ne of the most common questions we hear is, "How do we make our relationship work?" The answers are complicated, varied, and, after a while, can start to sound like muddled platitudes. But these commonplace sayings get repeated because they work. With this in mind, we pulled together 12 cliches that, in fact, reveal simple, tried-and-true advice for having a healthy, happy relationship. Read on and let us know what you think:
1. Mind your manners. "Please," "thank you" and "you're welcome," can go a long way in helping your partner remember that you respect and love him and don't take him for granted.
2. Variety is the spice of life. Studies have shown that dullness can lead to dissatisfaction with a relationship. Trying something new can be as simple as visiting an unfamiliar restaurant or as grand as a backpacking trip through Sri Lanka. Discoveries you make together will keep you feeling close.
3.The couple that plays together, stays together. Find a sport or hobby that you both love (no, watching TV does not count) and make that a priority in your relationship. Camping, biking, building model trains... whatever it is, find something you enjoy doing together.
4. Fight right. In order to have productive arguments, keep these rules in mind. Don't call your spouse names. When things get really tough, take a break from the argument. Let the other person finish his/her sentences. Don't initiate a discussion when you're angry.
5. I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine. No one likes demands (unless you're in a BDSM role play), but everyone can appreciate a compromise. If you want your lover to do something and you're not sure he'll be agreeable, the quickest way to avoid a confrontation is to sweeten the deal. For example: "Sure, I'll watch Monday Night Football if you take me to see the next movie of my choice."
6. Two heads are better than one. Being in a relationship basically means you've made a merger; you've not only joined assets but inherited the other's problems as well. Rather than looking at his problems as merely his own, tackle them together. For example, if he's gaining weight, rather than pushing him to diet on his own, enroll in an exercise program together.
7. Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Maintain your own friendships and occasionally have a night out without your significant other. Doing things without your s.o. not only makes you miss him or her, it also keeps you sane. And, in case the relationship doesn't work out, you'll still have your friends.
8. Sound it out. It other words: communicate! Talking out the tough subjects—money, religion, fidelity, raising kids—will not be the most fun you've had, but it'll be valuable.
9. Laughter is the best medicine. Learn to laugh at yourself and at silly mistakes. If he throws your $300 cashmere sweater in the dryer, laughing it off is, in the long run, better than getting angry. It's is just a $300 cashmere sweater, not the end of the world.
10. Keep your eyes on the prize. Yes, he forgot your co-worker's name for the tenth time, but it probably doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. If you keep your perspective fixed on the goal—to be in a happy, functioning partnership—you're less likely to get tangled up in every minor annoyance. Remember, you both want the same thing.
11. Quitters never win. Find a ritual and keep it alive, no matter what. Whether it's always kissing each other good night, renewing wedding vows every year, sleeping in as late as you want once a month or committing to having sex once a week, pick something that makes you both feel good and stick to it, even when you're tempted to skip.
12. When the going gets tough, the tough get going... to therapy. Studies show that couples who seek counseling during rocky periods are more successful in resolving their issues than those who don't. Whether its from a religious figure, counselor or mental health professional, getting an expert to help sort out strife is as wise as forgoing self-installation and hiring a plumber to put in a new sink.
What keeps your relationship strong? Let us know in the comments.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Is it Possible to Make Women Happy?- Deniz Selcuk
Although, even women themselves may accept that to make women happy requires some effort, it is not very hard to do and is perfectly possible. After all, what men get after making their women happy can be infinite happiness and is certainly worth trying.
What a woman wants from her partner is generally much simpler then what a man might think. Many times women only need to talk. However, even this simple need may cause complex problems in a relationship and men start to believe that it is impossible to make women happy.
In reality, the problem occurs because of huge differences between men and women. When a woman wants to talk, she may just want to talk. On the other hand, when a woman starts talking, her partner may automatically try to solve the problem or to declare his opinions to everything she mentions. Actually, what a woman needs many times is only her partner's attention to what she is saying and to be listened to.
Another complex issue between women and men is one that actually unbelievably simple. It is a very well known fact that women want men to buy flowers for them. But men insistently think that it is very banal and old fashioned to buy flowers to their women. Even this simple issue may cause problems in a relationship, and men unfairly start to believe that to make women happy is not possible. Actually, what women want is to be thought of by their man and being showed it in a romantic way.
What men should do actually is that instead of making themselves believe hopelessly that women can't be made happy, they should start doing little things that they have always ignored. For example, they should call their women couple of times a day for no reason and just for insuring her that, regardless of how busy they are, they still think their women.
Finally, if men really want to make women happy, they should start doing the simple but always ignored things. Some of those things include sending flowers to their women unexpectedly, taking them to a romantic bar to listen to live music, or maybe leaving them a romantic note.
If you fail to make your woman happy and if you loose her love you may need to get some useful advice from a relationship expert.
What a woman wants from her partner is generally much simpler then what a man might think. Many times women only need to talk. However, even this simple need may cause complex problems in a relationship and men start to believe that it is impossible to make women happy.
In reality, the problem occurs because of huge differences between men and women. When a woman wants to talk, she may just want to talk. On the other hand, when a woman starts talking, her partner may automatically try to solve the problem or to declare his opinions to everything she mentions. Actually, what a woman needs many times is only her partner's attention to what she is saying and to be listened to.
Another complex issue between women and men is one that actually unbelievably simple. It is a very well known fact that women want men to buy flowers for them. But men insistently think that it is very banal and old fashioned to buy flowers to their women. Even this simple issue may cause problems in a relationship, and men unfairly start to believe that to make women happy is not possible. Actually, what women want is to be thought of by their man and being showed it in a romantic way.
What men should do actually is that instead of making themselves believe hopelessly that women can't be made happy, they should start doing little things that they have always ignored. For example, they should call their women couple of times a day for no reason and just for insuring her that, regardless of how busy they are, they still think their women.
Finally, if men really want to make women happy, they should start doing the simple but always ignored things. Some of those things include sending flowers to their women unexpectedly, taking them to a romantic bar to listen to live music, or maybe leaving them a romantic note.
If you fail to make your woman happy and if you loose her love you may need to get some useful advice from a relationship expert.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
3 Things Men Can't Resist in a Woman
A Woman Who Smiles (more powerful than you might realize)
A woman who smiles makes it easier for a man to approach her by conveying an attitude of confidence, warmth and playfulness. Since many women are fearful of giving men the wrong impression, they frequently guard their smiles.
While this approach is safer, it inadvertently sends the wrong message that she is someone who is overly cautious because she has been hurt.
In addition, smiling is a sign of acceptance. Men often need some signal that it is safe to approach a woman before they’re willing to risk introducing themselves (unless they are intoxicated).
A Woman Who Listens (instead of dominating the conversation)
Women are generally perceived as rarely really listening to men, at least not beyond a few minutes. Most of the time, a few minutes is all men really need. But since most men hate to be rejected, it is easier for them to keep conversations superficial. Men expect most women to want to talk, rather than be willing to listen.
If they happen to meet a woman who listens with her eyes (looks at him while he’s talking) as well as her ears, they are intrigued. If she continues to listen and not take over the conversation, she’s the kind of woman that men can’t resist and will eventually marry.
A Woman Who Dresses Feminine (men are really visual)
Everyone knows that men are visual. However, women often forget just how helpless men are to what they see. The right visual stimulation can hypnotize any man. Unfortunately, women hear this and often become fearful. They mistakenly believe that men only notice perfect women.
Forget perfect! If you really want to be noticed by men, think colors, dresses and curves. Men basically like any woman who has that soft and cuddly quality. It isn’t that men don’t find women attractive in pants or when they are dressed comfortably – they just don’t notice them as easily. It doesn’t catch their eye like sparkly earrings, pretty colors or flowing dresses and long hair does.
Conversely, a powerfully dressed woman (think lots of red) makes most men think of sex, or not notice her at all. She may have a soft side, but if men can’t see it, they often don’t know it exists. The more feminine (softer) a woman dresses, the more men she will attract.
A woman who smiles makes it easier for a man to approach her by conveying an attitude of confidence, warmth and playfulness. Since many women are fearful of giving men the wrong impression, they frequently guard their smiles.
While this approach is safer, it inadvertently sends the wrong message that she is someone who is overly cautious because she has been hurt.
In addition, smiling is a sign of acceptance. Men often need some signal that it is safe to approach a woman before they’re willing to risk introducing themselves (unless they are intoxicated).
A Woman Who Listens (instead of dominating the conversation)
Women are generally perceived as rarely really listening to men, at least not beyond a few minutes. Most of the time, a few minutes is all men really need. But since most men hate to be rejected, it is easier for them to keep conversations superficial. Men expect most women to want to talk, rather than be willing to listen.
If they happen to meet a woman who listens with her eyes (looks at him while he’s talking) as well as her ears, they are intrigued. If she continues to listen and not take over the conversation, she’s the kind of woman that men can’t resist and will eventually marry.
A Woman Who Dresses Feminine (men are really visual)
Everyone knows that men are visual. However, women often forget just how helpless men are to what they see. The right visual stimulation can hypnotize any man. Unfortunately, women hear this and often become fearful. They mistakenly believe that men only notice perfect women.
Forget perfect! If you really want to be noticed by men, think colors, dresses and curves. Men basically like any woman who has that soft and cuddly quality. It isn’t that men don’t find women attractive in pants or when they are dressed comfortably – they just don’t notice them as easily. It doesn’t catch their eye like sparkly earrings, pretty colors or flowing dresses and long hair does.
Conversely, a powerfully dressed woman (think lots of red) makes most men think of sex, or not notice her at all. She may have a soft side, but if men can’t see it, they often don’t know it exists. The more feminine (softer) a woman dresses, the more men she will attract.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
25 tips for relationship success by Susan Quilliam
What's the key to successful relationships? Here, Susan Quilliam reveals the simple things you need to know to deepen your partnership and make your relationship work
1. Without quality time, your relationship will not survive. Carve out at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when you the two of you spend time exclusively together.
2. You will both need security, comfort. A good relationship is built on compromise and a great deal of give and take on both sides.
3. Keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell and show your partner how much you need him, but don't cling, as that can make your partner feel trapped.
4. Encourage him to listen to you, by showing appreciation when he does. By the same token, show interest when he talks to you. Be aware that most men aren't mentally programmed for conversation in the way women are. They need more silence and internal time.
5. Make him appreciate you. Don't wait for a spontaneous compliment, but say something good about yourself and ask for his agreement.
6. Teach him, preferably early in your relationship, exactly how to give you a fail-safe orgasm because it's unlikely he'll find out alone. If you don't yet know yourself, find out.
7. Learn to do the one thing that is most likely to restore good feeling in your relationship - giving your partner a genuine, loving and approving smile.
8.Often those subtle quirks that first attracted you to your partner can, with time, turn around and become toe-curlingly annoying habits. Learn to love him, warts and all.
9. Hidden resentments poison a relationship; so if something bothers you, say it. Remember that while men are wary of emotional conversations, they love to find solutions. Express your problem and then ask him to help you find the answer.
10. Learn that punishing your partner won't work. It may make you feel better to give him a hard time, but it will actually make him dig his heels in more. A better tactic is to reward the things you like and ignore what you don't like.
11. Money is the number one cause of couple conflict. For a relationship to work, you need to address your finances and work out a budget.
12. If the domestic work is not divided fairly between you, it will cause friction in your relationship. Make a list of the domestic tasks, talk it through with your partner and mobilise the whole family, your partner included, to share the work.
13. If you have children, involve your partner as much as possible with the childcare - even if you feel he's not as good as it at you are. It's important to present a united front to your children.
14. Sort out your sex life. The sex may ebb and flow over the years, but if sex starts going downhill, don't just accept it. As soon as you notice a slide, question why and then work at bringing the passion back.
15. Don't assume you won't be tempted to have an affair as almost everyone is. You need to learn to resist. If you do stray, don't feel it spells the end of your relationship. Most couples recover, particularly from a one-night-stand, and often find that unrooting the cause of the affair helps them to get even closer. So, you need to learn to resist. But don't think that an affair is the end of everything.
16. Remember that boredom typically covers up anger. If you feel bored with him, ask yourself what you're angry about.
17. Be aware that men generally feel overwhelmed by emotion more than women do. If he's angry or tearful, half an hour's 'unflooding' time to himself will help get his balance back and make him more able to interact positively with you.
18. Learn how to argue well. The trick is to never say anything that you wouldn't want to hear said to you.
19. Research suggests you need five positive experiences to erase the memory of one negative experience. So give five kind words for each bitchy comment. Give five hugs for each cold shoulder.
20. Learn how to negotiate. Each of you states what you want, then both of you work together to find a way forward.
21. Accept the things that won't change. Some characteristics about your partner are there for life - and you have to face that.
22. Learn to forgive. If you know you will never forgive your partner over something important, then give him - and yourself - a break and start again, with someone else.
23. Realise that the two of you will shift and change over the years. So, even if you think you understand him, or believe you have agreements sorted, check regularly - at least once a year - to make sure that neither of you has changed your mind.
24. Know when to leave. If your life aims are incompatible, there are heavy drugs or violence around, or if there is consistently more pain than pleasure, then walk before the relationship destroys you.
25. Don't think that going to counselling equals failure. It can turn a bad relationship around. It can turn an average relationship into a brilliant one
1. Without quality time, your relationship will not survive. Carve out at least half an hour a night, and at least one day a month when you the two of you spend time exclusively together.
2. You will both need security, comfort. A good relationship is built on compromise and a great deal of give and take on both sides.
3. Keep your dependence and independence in balance. Tell and show your partner how much you need him, but don't cling, as that can make your partner feel trapped.
4. Encourage him to listen to you, by showing appreciation when he does. By the same token, show interest when he talks to you. Be aware that most men aren't mentally programmed for conversation in the way women are. They need more silence and internal time.
5. Make him appreciate you. Don't wait for a spontaneous compliment, but say something good about yourself and ask for his agreement.
6. Teach him, preferably early in your relationship, exactly how to give you a fail-safe orgasm because it's unlikely he'll find out alone. If you don't yet know yourself, find out.
7. Learn to do the one thing that is most likely to restore good feeling in your relationship - giving your partner a genuine, loving and approving smile.
8.Often those subtle quirks that first attracted you to your partner can, with time, turn around and become toe-curlingly annoying habits. Learn to love him, warts and all.
9. Hidden resentments poison a relationship; so if something bothers you, say it. Remember that while men are wary of emotional conversations, they love to find solutions. Express your problem and then ask him to help you find the answer.
10. Learn that punishing your partner won't work. It may make you feel better to give him a hard time, but it will actually make him dig his heels in more. A better tactic is to reward the things you like and ignore what you don't like.
11. Money is the number one cause of couple conflict. For a relationship to work, you need to address your finances and work out a budget.
12. If the domestic work is not divided fairly between you, it will cause friction in your relationship. Make a list of the domestic tasks, talk it through with your partner and mobilise the whole family, your partner included, to share the work.
13. If you have children, involve your partner as much as possible with the childcare - even if you feel he's not as good as it at you are. It's important to present a united front to your children.
14. Sort out your sex life. The sex may ebb and flow over the years, but if sex starts going downhill, don't just accept it. As soon as you notice a slide, question why and then work at bringing the passion back.
15. Don't assume you won't be tempted to have an affair as almost everyone is. You need to learn to resist. If you do stray, don't feel it spells the end of your relationship. Most couples recover, particularly from a one-night-stand, and often find that unrooting the cause of the affair helps them to get even closer. So, you need to learn to resist. But don't think that an affair is the end of everything.
16. Remember that boredom typically covers up anger. If you feel bored with him, ask yourself what you're angry about.
17. Be aware that men generally feel overwhelmed by emotion more than women do. If he's angry or tearful, half an hour's 'unflooding' time to himself will help get his balance back and make him more able to interact positively with you.
18. Learn how to argue well. The trick is to never say anything that you wouldn't want to hear said to you.
19. Research suggests you need five positive experiences to erase the memory of one negative experience. So give five kind words for each bitchy comment. Give five hugs for each cold shoulder.
20. Learn how to negotiate. Each of you states what you want, then both of you work together to find a way forward.
21. Accept the things that won't change. Some characteristics about your partner are there for life - and you have to face that.
22. Learn to forgive. If you know you will never forgive your partner over something important, then give him - and yourself - a break and start again, with someone else.
23. Realise that the two of you will shift and change over the years. So, even if you think you understand him, or believe you have agreements sorted, check regularly - at least once a year - to make sure that neither of you has changed your mind.
24. Know when to leave. If your life aims are incompatible, there are heavy drugs or violence around, or if there is consistently more pain than pleasure, then walk before the relationship destroys you.
25. Don't think that going to counselling equals failure. It can turn a bad relationship around. It can turn an average relationship into a brilliant one
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Virtuous woman by Tracie Justice
A capable, intelligent, and virtuous woman—who is he who can find her? She is far more precious than jewels and her value is far above rubies or pearls… (Proverbs 31:10 AMP)
When considering all the characteristics and personal attributes of the woman described in Proverbs, it’s easy for women in this era of busy-ness (or, “the microwave generation”) to feel inadequate and devalued in comparison. However, our loving Father did not provide this example of a Godly woman to condemn us for our own shortcomings, but to provide a successful role model for us to imitate. (Hebrews 6:12)
The Proverb’s woman is shown as trustworthy, peaceable, charitable, committed, wise, and responsible. She accomplishes many things in her life: she’s a wife, mother, homemaker, teacher, peacemaker, confidant, investor, gardener, cloth maker, seamstress, designer of good things, trader, saleswoman, distributor, speaker, and intercessor, to name just a few. But we must always remember that all she is, all she learns, and everything she accomplishes in her life came through a process. She is NEVER all of these things at one time! As she matures in knowing God’s ways, HE graduates her to each progressive level of glory, little by little—increasing her more and more—one small step at a time. (2 Corinthians 3:18; Exodus 23:30; Psalm 115:14)
Therefore, sisters, let’s not be so hard on ourselves for falling short of our Father’s glory as His Proverb’s woman. For God, alone, is the Author of His plan for our lives so only He can bring it to full completion—NOT us!
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city]! (Proverbs 31:30 AMP)
When considering all the characteristics and personal attributes of the woman described in Proverbs, it’s easy for women in this era of busy-ness (or, “the microwave generation”) to feel inadequate and devalued in comparison. However, our loving Father did not provide this example of a Godly woman to condemn us for our own shortcomings, but to provide a successful role model for us to imitate. (Hebrews 6:12)
The Proverb’s woman is shown as trustworthy, peaceable, charitable, committed, wise, and responsible. She accomplishes many things in her life: she’s a wife, mother, homemaker, teacher, peacemaker, confidant, investor, gardener, cloth maker, seamstress, designer of good things, trader, saleswoman, distributor, speaker, and intercessor, to name just a few. But we must always remember that all she is, all she learns, and everything she accomplishes in her life came through a process. She is NEVER all of these things at one time! As she matures in knowing God’s ways, HE graduates her to each progressive level of glory, little by little—increasing her more and more—one small step at a time. (2 Corinthians 3:18; Exodus 23:30; Psalm 115:14)
Therefore, sisters, let’s not be so hard on ourselves for falling short of our Father’s glory as His Proverb’s woman. For God, alone, is the Author of His plan for our lives so only He can bring it to full completion—NOT us!
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates [of the city]! (Proverbs 31:30 AMP)
Monday, October 12, 2009
Are You Being Authentic in Your Relationship?
"Authenticity occurs when the head and the heart meet at the lips; when what we think and what we feel is congruent with what we say and do." - Dr. Carl Hammerschlag, Speaker, Author, Healer
Dr. Hammerschlag's quote about sums it up, right? Are you talking the talk and not walking the walk? Are you experiencing the same problems in your relationship that you had last year? Are you living your relationship as an example you would want others to emulate? Are you living in sync with your own values and principles? When you're not authentic, who are you?
Being authentic is the key to truly happy, healthy relationships. It is not possible to be happy without being true to yourself. Unfortunately many people live their entire lives never discovering their authentic self. It is not only a matter of focusing on yourself, but also involves deliberation about how your commitments make a contribution to the good of the relationship.
Being authentic is being genuine. Being genuine is being true to the commitments you have made to each other. It means standing up for what is real. None of the fake persona we often see. The temptation to be fake, phony, or misleading is centered on the desire to feel smart, important, or better than someone else. That is your ego speaking. Shed those pretences. Not being authentic demands a lot of misguided energy. Being authentic is easy. It's being fake that is difficult.
I'm certain that you know you can fool some of the people some of the time (even yourself), but not all of the people all of the time. Authenticity reduces phoniness to nothing.
It seems to me that being authentic begins with being true to yourself. It's knowing that deep within, you know beyond a doubt that who you being is the real you. When you live an authentic life, you are living a life that resonates with your inner being, free from relationships that limit possibilities. Living authentically means to be happy with who you are, as you are. Living with authenticity is a journey that will lead you to your incredible self.
Carol Adrienne, Ph.D., says, "The voice of the authentic self seems to be the same as the intuitive voice, that quiet, but persistent voice that whispers new ideas to us in the middle of the night, on vacation, or after meditating. Intuition speaks in short; clear messages that are qualitatively different from the repetitive mind chatter that makes us feel anxious. Intuition tells us where the authentic choice is - for us."
The truth is, most people are intuitive and can feel when something is not right. They know when you are not being honest with them or yourself.
Shakespeare gave us this ethical principle: "This above all - to thine own self be true." It's practicing greatness - even when no one else is watching. We must learn to live in a way that expresses our real desires, principles and demonstrates our character. When our behavior doesn't match our values, we are not living authentically.
It's not trying to be someone you think your partner wants you to be. It's not doing what you do to just get by, it's doing whatever it takes to have your partner feel assured that you are who you say you are and are consistently doing what's right.
Demonstrating authenticity in your relationship is a prerequisite to having a healthy relationship. It certainly helps if you have a specific intention to be that way.
The great thing about authenticity is that it releases you from the requirement to be perfect. No one is perfect. Just be you own good self.
Authenticity is only one piece of the relationship puzzle. And it is an important piece. Strive to be honest in the sense of allowing your behavior and conversation to be a true and spontaneous expression of your inner feelings.
Being authentic is to be able to live with your guard down; to be venerable; to be able to be yourself, not someone that someone else thinks you should be.
Being authentic requires a balance between being forthright and gaining the interpersonal skillfulness that allows you to be more sensitive and caring to your partner. It means that what you say, what you mean, what you intend, and what you do, are all in alignment and You are worthy of trust and belief. Authenticity means that you are living with integrity, and aspiring to all the wonderful joys life has to offer and doing it with a peaceful heart.
Only when you have evolved into clarity and authenticity by resolving the conflicts, confusion, and self-doubt within, will you be accepted, respected and listened to by your partner. There is great power in being an example of authenticity to your partner.
Being authentic can be defined as unquestionable congruent living - the moment-to-moment alignment of your sincere thoughts, values, emotions and actions. - Anisa Aven
Perhaps your relationship would be much better if you spend less time trying to convince yourself that you are being authentic and more time demonstrating authenticity to your partner. The truth of who you are must be lived not just believed. Once these truths are discovered, you must bring them to life by living them through conscious action. It is through action not thought that you become authentic. Intention to be authentic is great however your actions always speak louder than your words.
The truth is you cannot not be authentic. Even a counterfeit one hundred dollar bill is a genuine counterfeit bill - it is what it is, a very real counterfeit one hundred dollar bill. You have your own personality. Be that. Be authentic. You are what you are doing.
Dr. Hammerschlag's quote about sums it up, right? Are you talking the talk and not walking the walk? Are you experiencing the same problems in your relationship that you had last year? Are you living your relationship as an example you would want others to emulate? Are you living in sync with your own values and principles? When you're not authentic, who are you?
Being authentic is the key to truly happy, healthy relationships. It is not possible to be happy without being true to yourself. Unfortunately many people live their entire lives never discovering their authentic self. It is not only a matter of focusing on yourself, but also involves deliberation about how your commitments make a contribution to the good of the relationship.
Being authentic is being genuine. Being genuine is being true to the commitments you have made to each other. It means standing up for what is real. None of the fake persona we often see. The temptation to be fake, phony, or misleading is centered on the desire to feel smart, important, or better than someone else. That is your ego speaking. Shed those pretences. Not being authentic demands a lot of misguided energy. Being authentic is easy. It's being fake that is difficult.
I'm certain that you know you can fool some of the people some of the time (even yourself), but not all of the people all of the time. Authenticity reduces phoniness to nothing.
It seems to me that being authentic begins with being true to yourself. It's knowing that deep within, you know beyond a doubt that who you being is the real you. When you live an authentic life, you are living a life that resonates with your inner being, free from relationships that limit possibilities. Living authentically means to be happy with who you are, as you are. Living with authenticity is a journey that will lead you to your incredible self.
Carol Adrienne, Ph.D., says, "The voice of the authentic self seems to be the same as the intuitive voice, that quiet, but persistent voice that whispers new ideas to us in the middle of the night, on vacation, or after meditating. Intuition speaks in short; clear messages that are qualitatively different from the repetitive mind chatter that makes us feel anxious. Intuition tells us where the authentic choice is - for us."
The truth is, most people are intuitive and can feel when something is not right. They know when you are not being honest with them or yourself.
Shakespeare gave us this ethical principle: "This above all - to thine own self be true." It's practicing greatness - even when no one else is watching. We must learn to live in a way that expresses our real desires, principles and demonstrates our character. When our behavior doesn't match our values, we are not living authentically.
It's not trying to be someone you think your partner wants you to be. It's not doing what you do to just get by, it's doing whatever it takes to have your partner feel assured that you are who you say you are and are consistently doing what's right.
Demonstrating authenticity in your relationship is a prerequisite to having a healthy relationship. It certainly helps if you have a specific intention to be that way.
The great thing about authenticity is that it releases you from the requirement to be perfect. No one is perfect. Just be you own good self.
Authenticity is only one piece of the relationship puzzle. And it is an important piece. Strive to be honest in the sense of allowing your behavior and conversation to be a true and spontaneous expression of your inner feelings.
Being authentic is to be able to live with your guard down; to be venerable; to be able to be yourself, not someone that someone else thinks you should be.
Being authentic requires a balance between being forthright and gaining the interpersonal skillfulness that allows you to be more sensitive and caring to your partner. It means that what you say, what you mean, what you intend, and what you do, are all in alignment and You are worthy of trust and belief. Authenticity means that you are living with integrity, and aspiring to all the wonderful joys life has to offer and doing it with a peaceful heart.
Only when you have evolved into clarity and authenticity by resolving the conflicts, confusion, and self-doubt within, will you be accepted, respected and listened to by your partner. There is great power in being an example of authenticity to your partner.
Being authentic can be defined as unquestionable congruent living - the moment-to-moment alignment of your sincere thoughts, values, emotions and actions. - Anisa Aven
Perhaps your relationship would be much better if you spend less time trying to convince yourself that you are being authentic and more time demonstrating authenticity to your partner. The truth of who you are must be lived not just believed. Once these truths are discovered, you must bring them to life by living them through conscious action. It is through action not thought that you become authentic. Intention to be authentic is great however your actions always speak louder than your words.
The truth is you cannot not be authentic. Even a counterfeit one hundred dollar bill is a genuine counterfeit bill - it is what it is, a very real counterfeit one hundred dollar bill. You have your own personality. Be that. Be authentic. You are what you are doing.
Friday, October 9, 2009
WHY ARE SOME WOMEN SINGLE? Venusian Art
1. You're too spiritual. You talk about God more than Jesus did. Can you communicate without it turning into a sermonette? I love the Lord. I truly do. But, I don't want to hear about God 24/7. There is a thing called BALANCE. Can we just talk? But, if you spend more time at church than a Baptist pew, I guess the Bible is the only thing that can come out of you.
2. Your standards are unrealistic. You are requiring that he bring to the table what you can't bring yourself. You want Denzel, yet you're content with being Aunt Esther. God may have the two of you to buy a load of wood and build a table together.
3. You compare him to your girlfriend's husband or your pastor. You assume you know who God has for you based on who God had for them. Did Eve choose Adam or was Adam chosen for her?
4. You're mad. All of your friends are mad. You hadn't gotten over yesterday. Your next man doesn't even know your last man. Why are you holding him hostage in the history of your pain he had nothing to do with? You have too many buttons. Certain buttons should disappear once you're healed.
5. You fellowship in all of the wrong places. Your husband may not be at church. Your husband may not even know the Lord. He may see you on aisle 3 and be so overwhelmed by you that he drives straight over to Damascus Road.
6. You want your husband "ready-made". You want him to come READY for you. HE doesn't even know you! Besides, were you made for him or was he made for you? You refuse to employ faith. You want to SEE him NOW.
7. Your expectations are too low. You don't believe they're any good Godly men left. As a woman thinketh in heart, so is she. You expect the worse and have your expectations met. You look for everything wrong and don't even notice what's right. Many woen have NO clue who a good man truly is. MAny women can't even get along with a man that she doesn't feel she needs to change.
8. You hadn't maxed out your singleness. You're simply not ready...and that's ok! Allow God to keep molding and shaping you.
9. You want him to take you as you are. He may not want a cigarette smoking sailor. Comb your hair. Brush your teeth. Pick your feet up when you walk. Have some self-respect. And by all means - PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.
10. You want to be married so bad you seem desperate. I can't speak for all men, but I don't want to be hunted. I wanted to do the hunting. Every man you meet will not be your husband. Stop seeing him at the wedding. Can you just see him for who is he today? Can you leave your expectations at home and just chill?
11. You're looking for the wrong things. You're looking for what the man drives opposed to what drives the man.
12. You have no idea who you are. You were created to help him. What are you qualified to do? Who are you exactly?
13. He can't tell you anything. Unless you hear it from your pastor or parent, you ain'trying to hear it. No real man wants an unteachable woman. I agree that you may know a great many things. But, you don't know everything and can only speculate what being a man truly is.
14. You want to bring your past into your future. Your friends may not be invited into your marriage. Why do you have to check with your girls? Why do you have all of these casual male friends? Yet, you expect him to automatically understand that. If they don't have a purpose that will edifiy the relationship - they don;t have a valid reason to be there.
15. You want to share headship. Just because you have more education, earn more money, have a higher credit score and can speak better English, does NOT qualify you to head a man. Nothing you will ever do will give you that role. Sure, a wise man will submit to your strengths; but at the beginning and end of every day, he's still your covering.
16. You're playing sex games. You agree to the wrong environment, get all hot and bothered and demand that he not expect anything. If he isn't strong enough to resist, which most men won't be, you say he's not from God and blame ALL of it on him.
17. You skip past FRIENDSHIP. Every man you encounter, you're interviewing as if he's your husband. Just interview for friendship and nothing more. Don't lay all of your cards on the table unless he has laid all of his on the table. Until then, just talk about the weather. Many women are hurting and discouraged unnecessarily because they take this premature failure personally. Every man you meet will NOT be the one.
2. Your standards are unrealistic. You are requiring that he bring to the table what you can't bring yourself. You want Denzel, yet you're content with being Aunt Esther. God may have the two of you to buy a load of wood and build a table together.
3. You compare him to your girlfriend's husband or your pastor. You assume you know who God has for you based on who God had for them. Did Eve choose Adam or was Adam chosen for her?
4. You're mad. All of your friends are mad. You hadn't gotten over yesterday. Your next man doesn't even know your last man. Why are you holding him hostage in the history of your pain he had nothing to do with? You have too many buttons. Certain buttons should disappear once you're healed.
5. You fellowship in all of the wrong places. Your husband may not be at church. Your husband may not even know the Lord. He may see you on aisle 3 and be so overwhelmed by you that he drives straight over to Damascus Road.
6. You want your husband "ready-made". You want him to come READY for you. HE doesn't even know you! Besides, were you made for him or was he made for you? You refuse to employ faith. You want to SEE him NOW.
7. Your expectations are too low. You don't believe they're any good Godly men left. As a woman thinketh in heart, so is she. You expect the worse and have your expectations met. You look for everything wrong and don't even notice what's right. Many woen have NO clue who a good man truly is. MAny women can't even get along with a man that she doesn't feel she needs to change.
8. You hadn't maxed out your singleness. You're simply not ready...and that's ok! Allow God to keep molding and shaping you.
9. You want him to take you as you are. He may not want a cigarette smoking sailor. Comb your hair. Brush your teeth. Pick your feet up when you walk. Have some self-respect. And by all means - PUT SOME CLOTHES ON.
10. You want to be married so bad you seem desperate. I can't speak for all men, but I don't want to be hunted. I wanted to do the hunting. Every man you meet will not be your husband. Stop seeing him at the wedding. Can you just see him for who is he today? Can you leave your expectations at home and just chill?
11. You're looking for the wrong things. You're looking for what the man drives opposed to what drives the man.
12. You have no idea who you are. You were created to help him. What are you qualified to do? Who are you exactly?
13. He can't tell you anything. Unless you hear it from your pastor or parent, you ain'trying to hear it. No real man wants an unteachable woman. I agree that you may know a great many things. But, you don't know everything and can only speculate what being a man truly is.
14. You want to bring your past into your future. Your friends may not be invited into your marriage. Why do you have to check with your girls? Why do you have all of these casual male friends? Yet, you expect him to automatically understand that. If they don't have a purpose that will edifiy the relationship - they don;t have a valid reason to be there.
15. You want to share headship. Just because you have more education, earn more money, have a higher credit score and can speak better English, does NOT qualify you to head a man. Nothing you will ever do will give you that role. Sure, a wise man will submit to your strengths; but at the beginning and end of every day, he's still your covering.
16. You're playing sex games. You agree to the wrong environment, get all hot and bothered and demand that he not expect anything. If he isn't strong enough to resist, which most men won't be, you say he's not from God and blame ALL of it on him.
17. You skip past FRIENDSHIP. Every man you encounter, you're interviewing as if he's your husband. Just interview for friendship and nothing more. Don't lay all of your cards on the table unless he has laid all of his on the table. Until then, just talk about the weather. Many women are hurting and discouraged unnecessarily because they take this premature failure personally. Every man you meet will NOT be the one.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Wandering Eye
Does your partner have a wandering eye, and ogle other people while with you?
First, it is natural for humans to appreciate beauty in all forms. Just as you might look at a gorgeous sunset, or a beautiful beach, you can appreciate the beauty of a well-formed man or woman.
The question is whether your partner appreciates your unique qualities more than that person, and if he/she shows this appreciation. If your mate is always staring at other people, but rarely compliments you on your own qualities, it is time to remedy this. Sit down and talk about why this happens.
If your partner neglects you in favor of spending time with others, it is time to talk with him/her. A partner should respect the mate over others, and if the choice is a lonely mate or a "fun" friend, the mate should come first.
If you are feeling neglected or overlooked, sit down and talk about this with your partner. Look through the jealousy tips - you need to be realistic about how needy you are, but you also need your partner to respect you.
First, it is natural for humans to appreciate beauty in all forms. Just as you might look at a gorgeous sunset, or a beautiful beach, you can appreciate the beauty of a well-formed man or woman.
The question is whether your partner appreciates your unique qualities more than that person, and if he/she shows this appreciation. If your mate is always staring at other people, but rarely compliments you on your own qualities, it is time to remedy this. Sit down and talk about why this happens.
If your partner neglects you in favor of spending time with others, it is time to talk with him/her. A partner should respect the mate over others, and if the choice is a lonely mate or a "fun" friend, the mate should come first.
If you are feeling neglected or overlooked, sit down and talk about this with your partner. Look through the jealousy tips - you need to be realistic about how needy you are, but you also need your partner to respect you.
Dealing With Conflict
Conflict in relationships is exacerbated when we think we must defend ourselves. Given that most people do not intentionally harm those they love, this is illogical. In fact, the majority of things leading to hurt feelings were never meant to have that outcome. No matter how upset you are, make a leap of faith that your partner loves you and wants you to be happy. When you attribute the problem to miscommunication vs. he/she doesn’t care or is trying to hurt you, it diffuses the emotional charge. Once your emotions have stopped telling you to attack or run, you have the benefit of logical thought. As you can imagine, this offers a tad more clarity to your perspective. In turn, resolution of the conflict becomes easier.
Relationship Conflicts
Relationship conflicts are fueled by allowing emotions to dictate behavior. We seem to forget that emotions are just emotions. They are not right or wrong, good or bad. However, when we operate from a place of allowing our emotions to propel, reactions problems result.
Managing conflict becomes much easier when we introduce logic to the process. This does not mean it is good to ignore your feelings. Allow yourself to have whatever emotions you have. Acknowledge them as how you feel. Use them as one form of information. Then, decide how you want to respond to the interpersonal conflict you are faced with.
Reactions are derived from emotions alone. Responses have the advantage of consulting with your brain before taking action.
Managing conflict becomes much easier when we introduce logic to the process. This does not mean it is good to ignore your feelings. Allow yourself to have whatever emotions you have. Acknowledge them as how you feel. Use them as one form of information. Then, decide how you want to respond to the interpersonal conflict you are faced with.
Reactions are derived from emotions alone. Responses have the advantage of consulting with your brain before taking action.
Handling Conflict
Interpersonal conflict, whether family conflict or conflict in the workplace, is often dealt with in nonproductive ways. Two traditional approaches are avoiding conflict and managing conflict. A third option is conflict resolution.
As you can imagine, and probably have experienced, avoiding conflict is problematic. There is no opportunity for resolution and a back log of negative experiences starts to accumulate. These unidentified or unresolved conflicts simmer under the surface causing a general feeling of irritability between the involved parties. Perceptions, feelings and interactions between the parties become colored. Eruptions over minor matters, at seemingly random times, may also occur.
Managing conflict can have a better outcome than avoidance. However, to minimize harm, it must be done in a purposeful way. This is an ongoing process in which goals are set, frequent and honest communication occurs and differences are discussed openly. When actual resolution of the conflict is unlikely, it is best to establish such a plan.
Conflict resolution works to resolve problems in a mutually favorable manner. This approach goes beyond acknowledging and coping with conflict. At its best, it embraces conflict as an invaluable means for achieving ongoing learning and growth .
Viewing conflict as an opportunity for growth can go against instinctive responses. When conflict arises, we often feel attacked. Our fight or flight response may be triggered. We think we must choose between passivity or defense. However, if you don’t personalize the problem (i.e. make it about you) then this level of reaction becomes unneeded. Instead, you can logically look at the situation, open to the other person’s input, and decide together what can be done to help make things better.
As you can imagine, and probably have experienced, avoiding conflict is problematic. There is no opportunity for resolution and a back log of negative experiences starts to accumulate. These unidentified or unresolved conflicts simmer under the surface causing a general feeling of irritability between the involved parties. Perceptions, feelings and interactions between the parties become colored. Eruptions over minor matters, at seemingly random times, may also occur.
Managing conflict can have a better outcome than avoidance. However, to minimize harm, it must be done in a purposeful way. This is an ongoing process in which goals are set, frequent and honest communication occurs and differences are discussed openly. When actual resolution of the conflict is unlikely, it is best to establish such a plan.
Conflict resolution works to resolve problems in a mutually favorable manner. This approach goes beyond acknowledging and coping with conflict. At its best, it embraces conflict as an invaluable means for achieving ongoing learning and growth .
Viewing conflict as an opportunity for growth can go against instinctive responses. When conflict arises, we often feel attacked. Our fight or flight response may be triggered. We think we must choose between passivity or defense. However, if you don’t personalize the problem (i.e. make it about you) then this level of reaction becomes unneeded. Instead, you can logically look at the situation, open to the other person’s input, and decide together what can be done to help make things better.
Resolving Conflicts
The key to managing conflict is always, always keep your eye on the prize. In other words, never lose sight of your goal. Too often we want a certain outcome but our behavior ensures we will get the direct opposite. To illustrate, let’s look at an example: Pretend you want your partner to spend more time with you. There are several things you could do to increase the chances of this happening. Some of these include:
Plan a nice dinner and lovingly tell him/her how much you miss having time together.
Schedule a romantic weekend away as a surprise.
Focus on ways to show your partner how much you appreciate him/her.
However, instead of working in a logical fashion to achieve the goal, emotions tend to take over. This leads to behaviors that move you away from getting what you want. If you don’t keep your goal in mind, you are more likely to:
Yell, blame, demand or ridicule your partner for not spending time with you.
Act annoyed but deny that anything is wrong.
Decrease your own availability to make a point.
Refuse to ask for more time together because it doesn’t “count” if you have to tell him/her what you want.
Although conflict in relationships is inevitable. Resolving conflict becomes much easier if you evaluate what you are trying to achieve. Then, compare your goal to your behavior. Are your actions helping you reach the desired outcome? If not, adjust your plan of action!
Plan a nice dinner and lovingly tell him/her how much you miss having time together.
Schedule a romantic weekend away as a surprise.
Focus on ways to show your partner how much you appreciate him/her.
However, instead of working in a logical fashion to achieve the goal, emotions tend to take over. This leads to behaviors that move you away from getting what you want. If you don’t keep your goal in mind, you are more likely to:
Yell, blame, demand or ridicule your partner for not spending time with you.
Act annoyed but deny that anything is wrong.
Decrease your own availability to make a point.
Refuse to ask for more time together because it doesn’t “count” if you have to tell him/her what you want.
Although conflict in relationships is inevitable. Resolving conflict becomes much easier if you evaluate what you are trying to achieve. Then, compare your goal to your behavior. Are your actions helping you reach the desired outcome? If not, adjust your plan of action!
Dealing With Conflicts
People have varying degrees of comfort with conflict. Some prefer avoiding it at all costs. Unfortunately, those costs tend to increase the longer issues are left unaddressed. Therefore, learning how to manage and resolve conflict is to your benefit. When dealing with conflict:
Treat it as normal and expected. Conflict need not be catastrophic or personal. Conflict is simply part of being human.
Deal with issues as they arise. Avoiding conflict makes situations worse. Time does not resolve matters. Instead, it decreases the chance of a positive outcome.
Attempt to understand the other person’s point of view. Dismissing the other’s views, assigning blame, and exclusive focus on your own perspective are all counterproductive.
Don’t judge emotions. No one’s feelings are more or less “right” than the other’s. Emotions reflect a valid perspective of an individual. Even if you don’t understand it, acknowledge the other person’s reaction as important.
Focus on the behavior, situation or problem area without attacking the person involved.
Do not assume your values or beliefs are “right.” They reflect a view of the world from your unique perspective. Respecting another’s viewpoint as equally valuable opens an opportunity for learning and growth.
Dealing with conflict does not need to be dreaded or feared. Interpersonal conflict is a natural component of human interaction. In fact, if the problem is the object of focus versus the people involved, disagreements can generate new ideas and growth. Dealing with issues as they occur, acknowledging the other party’s feelings and perspective, and avoiding judgment or blame further increase the chance of productive conflict resolution.
Treat it as normal and expected. Conflict need not be catastrophic or personal. Conflict is simply part of being human.
Deal with issues as they arise. Avoiding conflict makes situations worse. Time does not resolve matters. Instead, it decreases the chance of a positive outcome.
Attempt to understand the other person’s point of view. Dismissing the other’s views, assigning blame, and exclusive focus on your own perspective are all counterproductive.
Don’t judge emotions. No one’s feelings are more or less “right” than the other’s. Emotions reflect a valid perspective of an individual. Even if you don’t understand it, acknowledge the other person’s reaction as important.
Focus on the behavior, situation or problem area without attacking the person involved.
Do not assume your values or beliefs are “right.” They reflect a view of the world from your unique perspective. Respecting another’s viewpoint as equally valuable opens an opportunity for learning and growth.
Dealing with conflict does not need to be dreaded or feared. Interpersonal conflict is a natural component of human interaction. In fact, if the problem is the object of focus versus the people involved, disagreements can generate new ideas and growth. Dealing with issues as they occur, acknowledging the other party’s feelings and perspective, and avoiding judgment or blame further increase the chance of productive conflict resolution.
Distance and Space
Two people need to be comfortable with who they are before they can be a full partner to someone else. A partnership works best when both individuals are solid and strong on their own, and look to make a ´better´ situation by going together. If the partners are only together to run from something else, or neglect what they need personally, then things simply aren´t going to work well.
Of course, every individual needs a different amount of space to be content. It could be that the amount you need is to your partner not ´space´ but ´separation´. And indeed, sometimes when people look for space they really want to get away from their partner instead of just in towards themselves. Really think about why you want distance, and then talk to your partner about his/her concerns and the whole situation. Hopefully you´ll find a compromise!
Of course, every individual needs a different amount of space to be content. It could be that the amount you need is to your partner not ´space´ but ´separation´. And indeed, sometimes when people look for space they really want to get away from their partner instead of just in towards themselves. Really think about why you want distance, and then talk to your partner about his/her concerns and the whole situation. Hopefully you´ll find a compromise!
Avoiding Blame: Relationship Advice
Avoiding blame and judgment is important relationship advice. Openly share issues, emotions and concerns without blaming anyone for their existence. Even when you are upset by something your partner has done, challenge yourself to not view your partner’s behavior as “wrong.” While the behavior may be displeasing to you, this does not make you “right.” Your emotions are valid and important, that is different then your reaction being a standard of truth to measure another against. Explain what you thought and how you felt without assigning responsibility to the other person for your reactions. The response you have is based on your experiences, beliefs and assumptions versus the other person’s intent or actions.
Humor as a Relationship Strategy
Many times arguments appear silly once emotions have died down. Sometimes we can’t even remember what started the fight or why we got so upset. In the heat of the moment, however, we tend to take the situation very seriously. Successful relationships develop the ability to take a light approach to conflicts. Recognizing that arguments are inevitable and normal versus catastrophic is helpful. One way to do this is to practice taking a step back when involved in a dispute. See if you can view your contribution to the situation with a sense of humor. Perhaps you can even laugh at yourself. This can interrupt getting stuck in a defensive stance. This in turn allows logic to resume. You will also be more open and responsive to your partner’s feelings. This approach can help couples that are struggling as well as strengthen healthy relationships.
Relationship Commitment
When our partners do something we do not like, we tend to focus on what they did “wrong.” We criticize. We point out what we deem to be their faults. When this approach is taken, your partner will feel judged, hurt, angry. Whether in a new relationship or a long term relationship, this pattern does not build a solid relationship commitment.
A good relationship can be formed, however, by showing empathy and compassion to your partner.
Compassion shares similarities with love but goes beyond it. Compassion removes the judgment we place on individual differences and preferences. It means we approach the spectrum of human qualities with tolerance. This shows support, encourages a sense of safety and trust, and opens honest communication.
A good relationship can be formed, however, by showing empathy and compassion to your partner.
Compassion shares similarities with love but goes beyond it. Compassion removes the judgment we place on individual differences and preferences. It means we approach the spectrum of human qualities with tolerance. This shows support, encourages a sense of safety and trust, and opens honest communication.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Components of Successful Relationships
Long term relationships require care and work to maintain closeness. Common components found in successful relationships include: communication, respect, trust, sharing, individuality and self-care. In addition, it is helpful to approach the challenges and triumphs of life (and the relationship) as a team. Fighting fairly, supporting one another and not holding grudges all help with this goal.
Successful relationships are based on the following components:
· Communication. Listen to your partner. Avoid blame and judgment. Do not make assumptions. Don’t let your emotions dictate your behavior.
· Trust and respect. A sense of trust is present when each person feels safe to be open, honest and genuine. Respect helps build this through not judging or criticizing the other’s opinions, feelings and beliefs.
· Team approach. When tough times hit, try to remember you’re on the same team. You either both win or both lose. Support each other and work together. Relationships are not meant to be a tug of war against each other. In fact, you both should be on the same side pulling against the world.
· Deal with problems as they arise. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Addressing differences one at a time helps avoid bad feelings spoiling a good relationship. Do not hold grudges; work through the matter and let it go.
· Share responsibility and decision making. Healthy relationships are an equal partnership. This applies to the work involved as well as the power dynamics between the couple.
· Fight fair. Judging your partner undermines a relationship. Address behavior without criticizing the person. Know where your partner’s vulnerable spots are and never use these during conflicts.
· Take care of yourself. It is your responsibility to know what you want and determine how to achieve that. Make any requests of your partner clear and direct. It is not okay to blame someone for your failure to assert yourself.
Successful relationships are based on the following components:
· Communication. Listen to your partner. Avoid blame and judgment. Do not make assumptions. Don’t let your emotions dictate your behavior.
· Trust and respect. A sense of trust is present when each person feels safe to be open, honest and genuine. Respect helps build this through not judging or criticizing the other’s opinions, feelings and beliefs.
· Team approach. When tough times hit, try to remember you’re on the same team. You either both win or both lose. Support each other and work together. Relationships are not meant to be a tug of war against each other. In fact, you both should be on the same side pulling against the world.
· Deal with problems as they arise. Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Addressing differences one at a time helps avoid bad feelings spoiling a good relationship. Do not hold grudges; work through the matter and let it go.
· Share responsibility and decision making. Healthy relationships are an equal partnership. This applies to the work involved as well as the power dynamics between the couple.
· Fight fair. Judging your partner undermines a relationship. Address behavior without criticizing the person. Know where your partner’s vulnerable spots are and never use these during conflicts.
· Take care of yourself. It is your responsibility to know what you want and determine how to achieve that. Make any requests of your partner clear and direct. It is not okay to blame someone for your failure to assert yourself.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
How to Have a Healthy Relationship
There are reliable tools that can be used to create a healthy relationship, many of which have not been taught in our culture. If you want to have a really healthy relationship, follow these simple guidelines.
Steps:
1-Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Ask yourself why you weren't happy? Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner. Your life is solely under your control, with your relationship you have to take the good with the bad. You need to give as well as take.
2-Make and keep clear agreements. Respect the difference between yourself and your partner. Don't expect he or she agrees with you on everything. Reach a mutual agreement or plan, and then commit to it. If you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time, or call if you're going to be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.
3-Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Many people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Fine, you're right." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that, while you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, you love and share and learn from those experiences. And if you can't reach any kind of mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you are wrong.
4-Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. A true relationship will consist of both partners who need to equally contribute. Not only is that the only type of relationship that will work out, but it will work out in both of your favor.
5-Tell the unarguable truth. Be truthful to yourself and your partner if you want true love. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner. Lies create disconnection between you and your relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it. For any sort of relationship to work you need to have trust.
6-Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a decision of letting go of the past and focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it. If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign. It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment, anger or resentment. Respect your partner, when your partner tells you to leave them alone, do give him or her the time and space.
7-Review your expectations. Try to be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money. Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation.
8-Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: Responsible means having the ability to respond. Respond to the real problem, to your true needs. It does not mean you or your partner are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it and say sorry. You'll be amazed how this works
9-Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.
10-Admit your mistakes and say sorry. Right after a misunderstanding or argument, tell your partner to give you some time to think of the wrong and right things that you and he/she did. Tell your partner to do the same thing and talk to them after 10-15 minutes. Tell your partner to give you time to talk and explain to them why you were angry, the wrong things you did, the things they did that you did not like and what you would like them to change. Ask your partner to do the same thing and give them a fair chance to talk and explain also. This will make your relationship stronger and help strengthen the communication between you and your partner.
11-Spend some quality time together. No matter how busy you two are, there is always an excitement when you do something together, when you share your precious time. Play a sport, eat at a restaurant, watch your favorite movies together. You will feel the magic of love and connection that you have with each other.
12-Laugh. Not only is it true that laughter is the best medicine, but it's also true that laughter can make a great relationship. In a tedious relationship, it is hard to communicate with your partner and share humorous feelings. Not only does laughing establish a connection, it can help keep passionate feelings in perspective.
Steps:
1-Do not expect anyone to be responsible for your happiness. Ask yourself why you weren't happy? Too often relationships fail because someone is unhappy and blames their partner. Your life is solely under your control, with your relationship you have to take the good with the bad. You need to give as well as take.
2-Make and keep clear agreements. Respect the difference between yourself and your partner. Don't expect he or she agrees with you on everything. Reach a mutual agreement or plan, and then commit to it. If you say you're going to meet your partner for lunch at noon, be on time, or call if you're going to be late. If you agree to have a monogamous relationship, keep that agreement. Keeping agreements shows respect for yourself and your partner, as well as creating a sense of trust and safety.
3-Use communication to establish a common ground to understand different points of view and to create a mutual, collaborative agreement or plan. You can either choose to be right, or you can have a successful relationship. You can't always have both. Many people argue to be "right" about something. They say. "If you loved me, you would..." and argue to hear the other say, "Fine, you're right." If you are generally more interested in being right, this approach will not create a healthy relationship. Having a healthy relationship means that, while you have your experience, and your partner has his or her experience, you love and share and learn from those experiences. And if you can't reach any kind of mutual agreement, that doesn't mean either of you are wrong.
4-Approach your relationship as a learning experience. Each one has important information for you to learn. A true relationship will consist of both partners who need to equally contribute. Not only is that the only type of relationship that will work out, but it will work out in both of your favor.
5-Tell the unarguable truth. Be truthful to yourself and your partner if you want true love. Many people are taught to lie to protect someone's feelings, either their own or those of their partner. Lies create disconnection between you and your relationship, even if your partner never finds out about it. For any sort of relationship to work you need to have trust.
6-Forgive one another. Forgiveness is a decision of letting go of the past and focusing on the present. It's about taking control of your current situation. Talk about the issue and try to reach a mutual agreement on how to handle the situation in the future and then commit to it. If you can't reach an agreement, it's a bad sign. If you learn from the past and do not repeat the same pattern, it's a good sign. It's the only way to prevent yourself from more disappointment, anger or resentment. Respect your partner, when your partner tells you to leave them alone, do give him or her the time and space.
7-Review your expectations. Try to be as clear as you can about any expectations - including acceptable and unacceptable behaviour and attitudes, especially attitudes towards money. Everybody needs love, intimacy, affection, and affirmation.
8-Be Responsible. Here's a new definition: Responsible means having the ability to respond. Respond to the real problem, to your true needs. It does not mean you or your partner are to blame. There is tremendous power in claiming your creation. If you've been snippy to your partner, own up to it and say sorry. You'll be amazed how this works
9-Appreciate yourself and your partner. In the midst of an argument, it can be difficult to find something to appreciate. Start by generating appreciation in moments of non-stress, and that way when you need to be able to do it during a stressful conversation, it will be easier. One definition of appreciation is to be sensitively aware so you don't have to be sugar-coating anything; so tell your beloved that you love him or her, and that you don't want to argue but to talk and make it better.
10-Admit your mistakes and say sorry. Right after a misunderstanding or argument, tell your partner to give you some time to think of the wrong and right things that you and he/she did. Tell your partner to do the same thing and talk to them after 10-15 minutes. Tell your partner to give you time to talk and explain to them why you were angry, the wrong things you did, the things they did that you did not like and what you would like them to change. Ask your partner to do the same thing and give them a fair chance to talk and explain also. This will make your relationship stronger and help strengthen the communication between you and your partner.
11-Spend some quality time together. No matter how busy you two are, there is always an excitement when you do something together, when you share your precious time. Play a sport, eat at a restaurant, watch your favorite movies together. You will feel the magic of love and connection that you have with each other.
12-Laugh. Not only is it true that laughter is the best medicine, but it's also true that laughter can make a great relationship. In a tedious relationship, it is hard to communicate with your partner and share humorous feelings. Not only does laughing establish a connection, it can help keep passionate feelings in perspective.
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